You are totally unaware of the effect you have on me

3RD MARCH 2013

The paintbrush stroked the canvas, so soft and delicate, the way a man would caress his lover. Gentler, even. Definitely far more passionate.

I stood in my studio for what felt like a few fleeting minutes but in reality, was more than three hours. The brush stroked his hair, darkening it, adding dimension that most people would probably never notice. This was the third consecutive day now that I was working on his hair, adding darker patches here and there, taking pregnant pauses to take a step back and survey the situation.

This was my baby, my masterpiece. This would be the one painting that I would never sell, not even for all the money in the world.

I had spent years working on this painting now, working on it whenever I felt the need. Sometimes, I could go weeks, or even months without even looking at it while other times, times like recent times, I had to see it every day.

It was messed up, I knew that, and most definitely not everyone would understand, but having a painting of him in my studio which I had spent years perfecting felt natural to me; almost second nature now. If ever any pigment faded then I would go over it, if I noticed something different about him, I would make that change on the canvas. I didn't really paint much on it anymore, more so just caressed it with my brush and make tiny details here and there but it wasn't finished just yet.

I didn't know what was missing, but I knew that it wasn't done.

Being a painter was difficult, and being an artist in New York was even more difficult. This was my full-time job, not that I would change anything about it. It was just that my income fluctuated so it was a good thing that I was good with my money and saved a lot of it in times where I needed it. Despite my father being able to financially support me with his successful business, I wanted to make a name for myself and painting was the way I would go about it.

The past couple of weeks had been good to me. I had held three art galleries in the past three weeks to showcase my work, and all but two pieces of my work had been sold. Though I was sure that they would soon be snatched up too. That meant that money was flowing in at the moment, allowing me time and the right state of mind to work on some more of my paintings, especially since a wealthy business man had requested me to

I guess have a rich and successful father did have some perks, especially regarding the right kind of clientele. I was immensely grateful to my father and he knew that. He had done the job of both a mother and father, raising me all on his own.

Speaking on my father, I hadn't seen him in a few days. I made a mental note to call him tonight to arrange something.

As much as I loved my studio and spending my time working on my art pieces, even the best artists – not that I was calling myself one of the greats – needed a break.

As great as it had been to immerse myself into my art work, I needed to come up from this bubble and breathe. But I feared the real reason that I had buried myself in work these past few days. That had been my ulterior motive, despite how much I tried to convince myself otherwise.

Caylus and Taylor had been dating for over a month now and as much as I wanted my best friend to be happy, I wished he could be happy with me. But alas, I was not one for fairy tales or distorted realities.

Them being together all the time and me being helplessly in love with him, made things very difficult. For me, not them.

Taylor was always around the apartment and Caylus and her were always doing things together, be it a romantic dinner or a movie night in.

The worst part was that Taylor was perfect. Absolutely perfect.

She was kind, generous and always thought of others. Whenever I was around, she would always try to include me but I usually tried to ease myself out of the situation. It was one thing knowing they were dating and seeing glimpses of them together, but it was another thing having to spend time together with them.

I knew she made Caylus happy, and that's all that mattered.

She was everything I was not.

Tall, blonde and gorgeous. There was no way that I could compete with her. Not that it mattered too much the way she looked because Caylus always dated beautiful girls – far more beautiful than me – but they were all flawed in some major way. Most had terrible personalities and usually treated his friends and me especially really badly but Taylor was different.

She treated us like she was our friend, like she was one of us.

They had fallen into this comfortable routine where regardless if they had spent the whole day together or separately at their respective work places, Taylor always came over to spend the night. Comfortable for them, not me.

Seeing them doing things together, functional like an actual couple wounded me deeply.

I think what bothered me the most was knowing that Taylor was different, that Caylus was actually capable of loving her. If he wasn't already in love with her, that is. I know everyone else was. I, too, loved Taylor but how I wish I didn't. I wish we had never gone to the club that night and that they hadn't met, as horrible as that was.

I have no choice but to be around them most of the day and I can't help but wish that it was me he was absolutely infatuated with. I can't help but wish it was that Caylus was hugging, or flirting with or even simply doing things together. I can't help but wish that I was the one that Caylus liked and wanted to spend an endless amount of time with.

I needed some space. From Caylus and from Taylor. From them both.

He was always busy now. He just simply didn't have enough time for me. That was usually the case with all of his girlfriends, but it was different this time. Taylor was always over so it didn't feel like our apartment anymore. Now it was Caylus, Taylor's and my apartment, and I was the constant third wheel. It was bad enough that I had to fall asleep to the sound of their headboard banging against the wall and their moans which they didn't try very hard to supress.

Every morning, Caylus would apologise if they had been too loud the night before indulging in how great his girlfriend was while she showered and got ready for work. The mornings while I made breakfast was usually the only time that I got with Caylus, yet he chose to spend it speaking about her.

I know that we're best friends, that didn't mean that I wanted to know everything about his relationship that didn't involve me.

I feared I was becoming more and more selfish every day.

I hated being left aside so that he and Taylor could spend time together. It's always me being put second. Sometimes, I wish that Taylor would be put second and me first even though it had been just over a month that they had been dating. Just once, just for a change.

And then I can't help but feel bad for thinking like this. Taylor was a great person and didn't deserve to be the centre of my hatred. She hadn't done anything wrong. It wasn't her fault that the man that I was madly in love with, had never noticed me and was currently head over heels in love with her. It wasn't her who wasn't able to tell her best friend that she had been in love with him her whole life.

That's why I've made a pact. A pact for me just as much as it was for Taylor. Although she knew nothing about this pact and never would.

I would stop loving Caylus.

Don't get me wrong, I would still love him; I don't think I could ever stop loving him. But now I would love him like a brother and a best friend; or I would try to. I would no longer love him like I used to. It's not right for me to love him and for Taylor to suffer, even if she didn't know anything about it. It's not fair to Taylor and it's especially not fair to me, though I had no one to blame but myself. It's not right for me to put myself through this. It's not right for me to love Caylus and for him to know nothing about it. It's not fair for me to love someone and for them to be totally clueless about it.

I deserved to be loved just like everyone else.

It was time to meet new people and move on. Then I would really be able to move on from this little crush. I scoffed aloud at the notion. It was pretty demeaning to call my love for Caylus a crush.

I deserved to be in love with someone who would actually be capable of returning my feelings.

It wouldn't be fair to me to just pretend that everything was normal, when it really wasn't. It wouldn't be fair to me at all. And it was obvious that Caylus has no romantic feelings towards me, so there was no point on hurting myself further.

It was time to move on and maybe, just maybe, try to find my own someone special.

-

NOTE - not edited

You can wait for the next chapter which will be uploaded on 06/05/2020

OR

You can read the next couple of chapters, for FREE on Inkitt! Just search 'Half of a Love Story' or use this link: https://inkitt.app.link/RA__illuminating_

The link can also be found on my Wattpad profile.

Layla Knight

28.02.2020