🍒 HALF HEARTED 🍒
TWO: Spilled Secrets

Lani stares at herself in the mirror in her locker, biting the inside of her cheek. The mirror is small – so small that she can barely see her whole head in it. It's the only thing she put in her locker this year because this year there's no polaroids of her and Sarah or her and Topper...It's just as it is...A dull, gray locker with a magnetic mirror on the inside that she got at the dollar store for, like, two dollars a couple years ago. It's scratched up from her dropping it several times, and there's a few lipstick smudges from when Sarah kissed it the previous year to irritate Lani.

Lani didn't even try to clean it again this year.

On the outside, she looks the same, but if you look at her eyes, like, really look, you'll see there's nothing there. No light anymore. Enhanced by glitter and eyeliner like always but now drowned in alcohol and sorrows and a raging headache just behind it.

There's feedback that suddenly surrounds her, a high ringing that can only mean one thing: An announcement. Typical for the first day of school. Welcoming everyone to the new school year and reminding them they need to be in their classrooms by the time the second bell rings.

"Please report to the gymnasium for a mandatory meeting after the bell," it says.

A meeting? What could they possibly want to meet about –?

She feels a presence behind her locker door, and she closes it with a slam!. Topper leans against the neighboring locker and crosses his arms over his chest. He looks like he doesn't have a hangover...Unlike her. Rude. "What's that about?" she asks then.

He shrugs a single shoulder and mumbles, "Memorial for Sarah, I heard. Big speech and condolences. I don't know."

It's a kick in the gut to hear it. She expected waves of flashbacks to hit her upon entering the school but a whole memorial? A speech from teachers that are only going to tell her she can visit the fucking guidance counselor if she needs to talk to someone about her dead best friend? As if they're going to do more than fucking reflect the questions right back at her. How does that make you feel? Really, really bad, Brenda, thank you for asking. All cured. It's miraculous.

"Yeah, I'm not going to that," she says and turns to leave – hide in the bathroom for the next hour or something. She doesn't know but anything is better than going to the gymnasium where everyone will surely stare at her and just wait for her to show some sort of emotion – which she won't. She'd sooner die than show the entire school that she's anything less than perfect. Like she's always said, if someone else can look at you and read your emotions, they're officially too close to you. There shouldn't be more than four people in your life that can read you like a whole book; it's dangerous.

Lani, well...she has three people who can do that. Well...one now – Topper, Sarah, and (unfortunately) JJ Maybank. Take a guess which one is still around.

She feels a tug on her backpack as Topper reaches into the side pocket and pulls something out. "Lani..." he whispers accusingly. "Did you bring alcohol to school?"

Lani grumbles under her breath, cracking her neck and closing her eyes. She so does not want to be talking about this. When she opens her eyes, she lands on a girl across the hall, eyes trained on her. She must be a freshman, or she wouldn't be staring like she was – all small and curious. Like she's judging her or something. Lani raises a brow in her direction. "Is there a problem?" she calls out.

The girl shakes her head like she didn't even realize she had been staring at Lani before she twists on her heels and walks in the other direction.

"God," Lani exhales. When she finally looks back at Topper, he's just staring at her, his hand holding the flask between them as if he's fucking showcasing it for the whole damn school. The freshman must have looked right at it. God forbid someone drinks in this place. She's sure all the teachers stash alcohol in their desk drawers just to deal with all these fucking teenagers five days a week. "What, Topper?" she mumbles, snatching the half-empty flask back from his grasp. "You gonna tattle on me or something?"

He sighs. "Obviously not...I'm just – I'm worried about you."

"Well, don't."

"Lani –"

"Topper, Sarah died a few days ago, OK?" she says then. She clenches the flask between her hands, nails digging into her fingers. Topper looks tired – like he's sick of fighting his feelings and sick of fighting Lani and her temperament. Life was easier when Topper was dating Sarah and Lani was at her happiest just being around Sarah. Sarah was stability for them, like a seesaw balancing between Topper and Lani, leaning either which way whenever necessary but always keeping them together. Since Sarah died it's been a never-ending battle for Topper trying to keep Lani grounded and balanced but nothing he is doing seems to be working. When he pushes one way, she pushes back twice as hard. "Let me grieve how I need to, and I'll let you do the same, yeah?"

"You know," Topper mumbles, tucking his hands into his front pockets. He fails to look at Lani – looking anywhere but actually at her. He's nervous, doesn't want to say the wrong thing. "I loved her, too, OK?"

Lani thinks that's bullshit. As if Topper actually loved Sarah. Heat swirls in her stomach – pain, anger, she doesn't know. So, she scoffs. "Bullshit," she mutters.

"What?" he asks. He finally looks at her, shocked. Eyes wide, mouth agape.

She bites her lip, already regretting what's about to leave her mouth. Already knowing she will be apologizing come tomorrow. But right now...Well, right now she's just pissed. She can feel the fire in her veins, pumping harshly as Topper claims his love for Sarah was anything similar to hers. "I don't think you really know what love is, Topper. At least, not being in love."

"What?" he repeats.

"You know love. I know that because I know you love me and your friends and everything but...You – you don't love Sarah the way you think you do – or did," she says. "You're selfish, Topper. That's not being in love. Being in love is anything but selfish. It's – it's patient and it's kind and it's fun and it's indulgent and – and –"

"And it's what you felt for her?" he asks, brows pulled together inquisitively.

"That's not what I said –"

"It's what you implied," he says.

"I'm just saying, Topper," she replies with a huff. "What we felt for Sarah was completely different. Love or not, you didn't always do it right."

Topper doesn't say anything to this. What would he say? It's obvious Lani has already made up her mind and decided that Topper was a piece of shit boyfriend or something. Lani steps back to leave, stumbling on her feet in the process.

Topper closes his eyes briefly, exhaling a deep breath before opening them again. "You're drunk?"

Lani just shrugs. "Maybe I am." And then she leaves.

🍒

The clouds move across the sky in a way that tells her the rain is nearing – the sun disappears, hiding behind a friend that wishes to make an appearance, a gray cloud with a frown on its face. Funny enough, the sun going away makes her feel safer. Like she really belongs with the clouds – the ones drifting through life with only one purpose. To rain, to cry – to make something else grow with its tears. Making yourself sadder only to make something else happier.

It's all Lani really wants, to be able to make something else happy because she can't be happy right now.

The clouds don't judge, and if they did...Well, they'd be judging Lani. A lot.

She sits at this old playground – one kids don't even frequent anymore, but her and Sarah used to. It was their favorite thing to do as kids. The equipment is broken but if you just lay on the ground and look up...it's all sky surrounded by trees. It's one of the best things Lani has ever been able to witness.

There's a bottle thrown lazily to the right of her – one she kept in the backseat of her car for instances like these – and her head spins even though she isn't moving. If she let herself, she could regurgitate everything in her system – let it all loose, but what would that do? She would still feel the same way. Miserable and sick.

"Drinking two days in a row?" she hears then. "And on the first day of school. Gotta be some sort of record."

Her head lulls to the side with raised brows. JJ stands by a tree in the distance, hands tucked in his pockets and a backpack thrown over a single shoulder. School must've just gotten out. That, or JJ is skipping, too.

"And?" she asks, turning back towards the frowns in the sky. She thinks more showed up, all staring right at her, wondering what a rich girl like her has to be sad about.

She can feel him sit down beside her and cross his legs. "...Are you OK?" he asks quietly.

"Why do you care?" she asks.

"Well...It's going to rain any minute now, and you're lying in the grass, drunk off tequila with no apparent intention of moving," he says, looking over his shoulder at her.

She groans, using both her arms to push herself up into a sitting position. For a moment, the world spins heavily, and everything almost comes back up, but she squeezes her eyes shut, forcing everything back down. When her eyes open again, the world still spins but she's no longer about to throw up all over JJ's legs. Excellent. "If you're really curious...My – my best friend is dead, so...No, 'm not really OK."

JJ looks down at his hands, messing with the rings on his fingers. "Mine, too."

Lani hadn't ever thought about it that way. Time and time again, she blamed John B for getting her best friend killed, and she blamed his Pogue friends and anyone else who even slightly could've gotten Sarah into that situation...But not once did she think about how they felt...They had lost a best friend, too. A family member. Someone they loved. Someone they missed.

Lani hands JJ the bottle of tequila, offering him it in silence in a sort of oh shit, I'm sorry, that sucks type of way. She wouldn't go as far as to actually apologize to him, but she'll offer him tequila. It's basically the same thing anyway.

For a while they pass the bottle back and forth, taking small sips before returning it to the other. After some time, they're both spinning (Lani more than she was before) and laying on their backs, watching the frowning clouds swirl above them. It's silent between them, but the silence speaks wonders.

Lani doesn't feel so alone but she also doesn't feel forced to talk about how she's feeling and that's just so – so relieving. For days all she's done is talk about her feelings, and she can't go on like that forever. There gets to be a certain point where talking about what's inside becomes overwhelming and exhausting and she just can't do it.

"You don't have to stay here, you know," she says quietly, her hands twisting over her navel. She thinks she feels a drop from a sad cloud on her cheek. "We don't have to be, like, friends or anything...I'll be fine."

"I don't want to be your friend, Lani," he says with a sigh before taking another swig from the bottle.

Her brows pull together. "Then why are you here?"

"Just want to make sure you're safe," he says in a whisper.

She barely hears it, but she knows he said it. Just want to make sure you're safe, but why? He has no obligation to her or her safety. So, she asks. "Why?"

"Because no one deserves to be alone," he says.

Alone. Is that what he thinks? That she's alone? God, she feels alone. Like no one understands, not even Topper. Not her dad. Not her mom. Not fucking Julie. Kelce. No one. Except...Maybe JJ. "Maybe I do."

"Why do you think that?" he mumbles, handing the bottle back to her. Instead of taking another drink of it, she sets it between them like a barrier. Won't let herself get too close.

"I'm no fun anymore, JJ," she says. She can see him turn his head to look at her, but she keeps looking at the clouds. They're frowning right at her. Telling her it's OK to be vulnerable – to talk to someone. Even if it's a damn Pogue. "I get mad too easily, I swear too much, I drink all the time –"

"You're grieving, Lani –"

"That's no excuse," she says. "But...I can't help it. I just – I don't know...It's been really hard."

"I get it," he says. "We're not supposed to lose our friends at this age. We're not equipped for it."

"No, we're not," she says. "But...Can I ask you something?"

"Anything."

Lani thinks for a moment, wondering if she wants to really ask the question – if she really wants there to be a possibility of a reason for her to forgo her sudden hatred for the Pogue friend group. It's just easier to have someone to blame but what if she has no one to blame? What happens then? "Was Sarah happy?"

"Happy?"

"Yeah, like...Was she happy – with John B?"

JJ pauses for a second. "It looked like it. They seemed really happy."

"...That's good." Lani ignores the sudden pang in her heart, the hot knife that inserts itself right into her chest.

"I suppose."

"...Can I ask something else?"

"Yeah."

Lani really thinks about her question because she doesn't know if she should actually be asking it. It's inappropriate but for her own peace of mind she really thinks she has to know. "Did John B really murder the sheriff?"

"No," JJ says quickly. He doesn't even hesitate, and it's that that lets her know he's telling the truth. Not just that he's defending his friend but that he didn't even have to think about it before responding. "He wouldn't hurt anyone."

"OK." Lani feels bad. Like, really bad. She knows so many things about the situation that he doesn't even know. That he may never know until it's too late – until the court date. That's where he'll find out that there's nothing they can do for their friend...Unless – "You know, the police have nothing on Ward. They can't charge him."

"What?" JJ asks then, sitting up abruptly. "Nothing?"

"My dad's his lawyer," Lani says, sitting up after him. She crosses her legs, head spinning at the sudden change. "The police have — have nothing."

"Shit."

"I hate to say it," she says. "But...If you want anything to happen...You might have to do something about it yourself."

JJ scoffs. "Like I can do anything."

"Maybe you can."

JJ doesn't say anything after that. He just looks at his hands, twisting his rings and furrowing his brows. He's thinking about something but she doesn't know what. Perhaps a way to clear his friend's name, she doesn't know. She won't ask. They're not really that close, even after drinking for hours in some random park where they miraculously didn't get caught. There are gears running in his head, something that's telling her that her dad is about to have a hard time defending Ward Cameron.

...And she just told her dad yesterday that she wouldn't tell anyone about the case.

She's screwed.

"We should get going, you know," he says suddenly. "It's going to rain any time now."

And it does rain that night; it rains in a heavy downpour as if to say It's me, Lani. It's Sarah, I'm here, come be with me.

And she does. She goes outside, opens her arms and stands in the rain. Welcome home, she thinks she hears. I've been waiting.

AN: haha hi guys :)))) grad school has been so much more time consuming than I thought it'd be, which means updates may be slower than I initially predicted. But that's ok! we're surviving, and we're doing ok, I just need you to be patient with me.

Please try not to dislike Lani or be irritated with her at this moment, she's just a grieving teenage girl trying to figure out how to deal w the loss of someone she cared so much about. I know her actions can be annoying, but she's young — she doesn't really know what to do yet.

Let me know how you liked this chapter!!:) <33