🍒 HALF HEARTED 🍒
SIX: WELCOME PARTY, PART II

JJ invites Lani to stay after a few more beers with great resistance from the rest of the Pogues. She's cool, I swear, she had heard him say to them. Just give her a chance. She pretends not to hear Kiara audibly groan and remind the rest of them that Lani is literally crazy, JJ because – honestly? – is Kiara wrong? She hasn't necessarily been, like, super sane these past few days. But despite knowing this, Lani can feel that little fire flare in the pit of her stomach, wanting to argue with Kiara for even thinking she knows anything about her, but she refrains. Arguing with Kiara is not at the top of her list of worries right now.

And she's not even sure if she wants to stay in the first place, but Sarah is giving her this look, and it's like she's hoping Lani stays to hang out with them but doesn't speak those words because she doesn't know if Lani will lash out again. Sarah doesn't remember the last time she's seen Lani like this, and she doesn't quite know how to act around her right now. But for some reason, JJ does. So, Sarah follows JJ's lead (though she'll never admit it to anyone, especially JJ).

So, like a lone wave in the ocean, Lani feels herself being pulled towards Sarah – towards JJ. Towards hope. Hope of rekindling something. It's fucking Sarah. Sarah is her whole world, and she really thought she lost it to the depths of the ocean. No matter how angry Lani is with the entire situation, she can't find it in herself to actually abandon Sarah.

"Lani! You got a suit on?"

Lani's pulled out of her own mind, sucked back into reality. Pushed into shore with a giant shove. "Huh?"

"Do you have a suit on?" JJ asks again. He waves his hand towards the hot tub, where some of the group of Pogues has already sunk into. She can't locate the rest of them. How long had Lani been just...standing here? Alone with all her thoughts.

Lani looks down at the dress she's wearing, the little white wedges dirty on her feet. "Does it look like I have one on?"

"Well...No," he says, scratching the back of his head. "Just thought I'd ask. Do you need one? I might have an extra inside somewhere –"

"An extra?" Lani echoes. "I'm not wearing a swimsuit from some random girl you've brought back here –!"

She can hear the group of Pogues (yes, this includes Sarah. Apparently...Sarah is a Pogue now) laugh from just outside her peripheral. She's standing between the hot tub and John B's house with her arms crossed uncomfortably over her chest and her purse hooked onto her elbow. She looks so out of place here. She needs another drink because she can literally feel herself sobering up by the second, and that is not making this night any easier for her.

"JJ, I should have an extra inside. You can grab her that one," Sarah says with hesitation. Lani looks at her with a sharp inhale. "It's that white one with the cherries on it that you really like. Feel free to wear it."

Lani nods. "Yeah, OK," she says quietly. Maybe she should just fucking go home. This is weird.

"OK," JJ draws out and waves his arm for Lani to follow him inside. He kicks random shirts that are on the floor away from where they're walking, shoving cans underneath the couch as he goes. Lani can't believe the amount of stuff lying on the floor. As they walk, she can hear through the open fucking windows Kiara begin to protest again, saying She's literally never liked us. Besides, this is a Pogue thing – before Sarah cuts her off with a Kie, she's my best friend, OK? and no one else says anything. The fire lights itself again, sparking a flame in the pit of Lani's stomach. Her face warms up, throat burning with the urge to say something. JJ coughs into his closed fist.

"Sorry about Kie," he says. He must've heard it, too. Lani wants to give Kiara the benefit of the doubt because, like, her and Sarah are friends or whatever, and they were friends last year as well. But Lani wasn't friends with Kiara last year, and she never tried to be. Not like Sarah did. "She's just a little...protective."

"Yeah," Lani says quietly as she steps over another shirt. It has beer stains all over it – definitely one of JJ's. She scrunches her nose as she looks at it. "I'm – um – I'm doing my best not to say anything, OK? Promise."

"Aw," JJ coos with a smile as he glances at her over his shoulder. "Proud of you."

She stops in her tracks and pulls her brows together. "Shut up? It's not for you."

"Fine," JJ says with his hands up defensively as he turns around to face her. "It's for Sarah."

"It is."

"...And me."

Lani rolls her eyes but doesn't say anything.

"Hey, I thought we weren't lying to each other anymore," JJ says then. He has his brows raised teasingly. His blue eyes twinkle with amusement, and she really wants to just, like, punch his face. He needs to stop looking at her like that –

God, Lani. Get it together. She pushes the feeling down – the one she hasn't felt since her and JJ were actually friends. It feels like a lifetime ago, now. "OK, yeah. Sure. For both of you –" JJ smiles widely, and Lani points a finger in his direction. " – But I won't pretend to like Kiara. I'm only playing nice as long as she does."

"Fair enough," he says.

"...But I have a feeling she won't –"

"Lani," JJ warns. Not off to a good start, Lani.

Lani tightens her lips, stopping herself from saying anything else. "Whatever. Where is this swimsuit?"

JJ pushes a door behind him open with his foot. "This is John B's room. Sarah's, too, I guess. In the top drawer of that dresser is usually where all the suits are kept. You can go grab one and change in there. I'll wait out here."

She purses her lips and nods as she steps into the room. Before she opens the dresser – and before JJ can close the door completely – she asks, "This isn't his underwear drawer, right? Because I'm not digging through his underwear. Even if it's clean. That's a line I will not cross tonight."

JJ thinks for a moment. "Probably not."

"Probably not?" Lani repeats. "I'm not going in there, JJ. I do not want to see John B's underwear, OK –?"

"Oh my gosh, fine!" JJ says and pulls the drawer open with a harsh tug. "Oh, look at that. Swimsuits."

Lani peaks over his shoulder, and sure enough, there are only swimsuits in the drawer. There's mostly swim trunks of various colors but she recognizes a few of Sarah's suits folded neatly in the corner. "Oh."

"Oh?"

"It's just –" She starts with a shrug. "People usually keep their underwear and stuff in the top drawer...I just wanted to be safe."

"Sure."

"Get out, JJ. I need to change," Lani says then.

"I should stay, you know? In case you find, like, underwear or something –" he says.

"JJ."

"OK, fine," he says as he turns around. "I'm going."

Once she's changed into the swimsuit, she grabs her dress, purse, and wedges and holds them in her arms, looking in the dirty mirror in the corner of John B's room. She cannot believe where she's at right now – who she's with right now. Old Lani would laugh at this Lani. But this Lani knows that if she doesn't want to lose Sarah again, she needs to be here. She needs to be more understanding and accepting. Two things that Lani definitely is not.

But she's trying.

The suit fits snugly against her body, and Lani should be used to form-fitting clothing. It's all she wears. Tight dresses and form-fitting jeans with cropped tops that cling to her torso. People are jealous of Lani for these reasons. In a perfectly Cher Horowitz manner. Such a fucking pretty girl, they say, their eyes going up and down and up and down her body. And they should be – but her eyes drift to her thighs – with those crescent moons staring back at her, daring her to let them finally heal – and she's thrown back into the depths of the ocean, sinking and sinking and sinking –

She's gasping for air, clawing for the surface because suddenly she can't swim – not OK, not fine, not normal –

"Lani?" There's a knock that follows. It's distant. Echoing in the back of her mind. Coming from above the water.

She's pulled back to the surface, hovering in the dark water, no land in sight. Lani inhales sharply, wiping at the tears in her eyes. She moves the dress in her arms, letting it drop in front of her thighs – out of sight.

"Yeah?"

JJ slowly opens the door, peeking his head in. "You good?"

With a sniffle, Lani straightens her posture and turns towards JJ. Perfectly fucking Cher Horowitz. "Yeah. Fine."

She sees JJ's eyes scan her body, but she can't pinpoint the reason behind them. He looks – worried? Maybe. No, that's not it. Can't be. "That swimsuit looks nice on you," he says softly.

"Thank you," she says quietly. When he doesn't say anything, she sinks a little deeper into the water. "Um, do you have anything for shots?"

JJ opens the door completely, pulling his brows together as he leans against the doorframe. "You mean tequila? Sorry, princess, none of that top shelf stuff. We have...Bottom shelf vodka and beer. Pick your poison."

She ignores the way he calls her princess and pulls her clothes closer to her stomach, wrapping her arms in them. "Great. Want to do some?"

"Some?"

"Shots, JJ. I need some."

He looks at her hesitantly. "...Are you sure –?"

"JJ, please," she says softly. Her eyes leave his, and she looks around the room before looking back at him. She can finally see it – the look he's giving her. It's pity. Worry, at the least. "I – I've been drinking for hours, OK? I'm fine. I just – I don't want to be...sober right now. I can't."

"Lani –"

"Please –" and then her fucking eyes start to water because she's sinking again – sinking and sinking and sinking and –

She's pulled back to the surface with a warm hand. "Fine. Two is the most I'll do. After that – beers only."

"Deal," she says.

She follows JJ to the kitchen and watches as he pulls shot glasses from a random cabinet and reaches above the fridge for a bottle of vodka. With gentle hands, he pours the liquid into the shot glasses and hands one to Lani. "No limes or anything fun, sorry."

She takes the glass from him and uses her free arm to hold her belongings in front of her. "No worries."

He holds his own glass in front of him. "To...new friends," he says questioningly.

She bites her lip. "To new...friends," she replies and clinks his glass with her own before tilting her head back to down the harsh drink. Her throat burns with familiarity, and she sets the glass back down on the counter for another. JJ fills both up, and they take another shot.

His eyes screw shut as it goes down his throat, and he shakes his head. Lani laughs softly at him. "Such a baby."

He looks offended. "Ouch. I'm more of a beer person, thank you very much. C'mon, let's go. They probably think we're –"

"JJ, don't be gross," Lani says, but she's laughing because, wow, vodka is strong, and she feels lighter. Floating towards the surface. She's getting there.

"I'm just saying," he says, putting his warm hand on her lower back and leading her back towards the door. They're all laughing loudly when they exit, but none of them notice their appearance. Lani kind of likes this – she doesn't know what she'd do if they all looked at her. JJ's hand leaves her back, a wave of air replacing it. "Hold on, I've gotta grab something. Go ahead and go in. I'll meet you there."

She feels a little empty right now because she was comfortable getting into the hot tub if JJ was going to be getting in with her, but now she's alone. She walks across the grass, setting her belongings on a random chair, making sure her purse is hidden under her dress (sue her, OK? She doesn't trust people). When she turns towards the hot tub again, Sarah is looking at her with sad eyes. They read I miss you and please don't be mad and –

Lani is crumbling. With her hands on her thighs, she goes to the hot tub and lowers herself into it. Thankfully, no one notices what she's trying to cover but then she thinks maybe Sarah did because her eyes look sadder and her hand is covering her mouth, but she's not looking at Lani. She's looking somewhere else, and by the time her eyes come back to her, Lani is already sitting in the warm water away from Sarah and Kiara. Kiara silently sips her beer, and Lani just tries to ignore her.

"Ladies and gentlemen!" she hears suddenly before a box of beer is slammed down next to her head, and JJ splashes in beside her. Pope and John B follow not far behind as they fall ungracefully into the water, John B inserting himself in between her and Sarah. She flinches when she's splashed in the face by the water.

"What? 'Fraid of water, princess?" JJ asks and splashes her again. Her mouth drops open in shock and her head feels dizzy. Thank you, vodka, for making this situation semi bearable. And, also, thank you waterproof makeup and setting spray for keeping her makeup from running sadly down her cheeks.

She splashes him back then with a light giggle. He gives her a look that she can only be read as game on before he screams, "Shotgun time!" and hands everyone a beer. Lani takes a beer from him and cracks it open immediately. She's not really a beer person, but she'll drink anything right now. She needs it.

Laughter echoes around her, and she tips her head back. The beer flows down her throat, burning lightly as it goes down. When she's done, she watches as everyone crinkles their cans and throws them on the ground. She does the same, but doesn't say anything.

For the first time, like, ever, she feels incredibly left out. Like she doesn't belong. And she really doesn't. She doesn't belong here, and everyone knows that. So, as JJ hands her more beers to shotgun, she happily accepts each of them until he cuts her off and she feels the world spinning around her. Her head feels heavy, and every time she moves it, it's like there's a bowling ball bouncing around inside there, rolling back and forth and back and forth.

By the time they each shotgun their third or fourth or – what number was she on? – beer, they're drunker than they've been in awhile, and the boys are dancing to some stupid song that's playing over a speaker. Her stomach literally hurts from laughing, and she hasn't felt that in so long.

"I never made the good grades in school," Pope sings. "When I get out, I act like a fool. They say I come in the party and cause a commotion. I'm smooth, yeah, call me lotion."

While everyone laughs, Lani pulls her brows together. The world spins again. "Wait...is that on Spotify?"

There's a deafening silence after, and Lani thinks she may have fucked up by speaking at all, but then they all fucking laugh at her. And JJ's hand is, like, fucking sitting behind her and all she can feel is the warmth and familiarty of it and –

"Do it, Pope," JJ says then. "Just like the good Lord intended."

"It was way too genuine," Sarah says with a laugh.

Lani looks at Sarah then. Her smile, her laugh, her happiness. And she wants to fucking cry because it's Sarah. She's missed her so much, and she was too busy being angry to even realize that. Her eyes begin to blur then, and she has to blink them away.

Sarah looks at her then, and it feels like it's just them for a moment. Like everything drowns out around them, and Sarah sees her tears, and Lani sees Sarah.

I've missed you, Lani mouths to Sarah.

Sarah smiles. I've missed you, too, she mouths back.

Lani floats to the surface then, and it's her sitting on top of the dark water, and she really knows how to float. With a warm arm behind her and warm eyes looking at her, she fucking floats – she's OK, she's fine, she's normal.

🍒

"Are you cold?"

"Huh?"

"You look cold," she hears. JJ hands her an old, white towel, and she wraps it around her shoulders.

"A little."

Lani watches as JJ calls out for Sarah, and Lani's heart thumps heavily in her chest. She could literally throw up. "Hey, Sarah, can you get her some clothes? I don't think her dress will be comfortable..."

"Of course," Sarah says, and she disappears into the house.

JJ smiles at Lani then. "Look at you. Being all friendly."

"...I'm drunk."

"Drunk and friendly," he clarifies.

Lani bites her lip, pulling the towel tighter around herself. She shivers, though, despite the towel, and then she feels JJ's fucking hands on her arms, rubbing up and down to try and warm her up. Sue her, she doesn't swim often, so she's not used to the sudden chill that comes with getting out of the water.

Sarah comes back outside with clothes in her hands. "I got one of my tank tops, and these sweatpants are JJ's – sorry, JJ. I just didn't think you'd want to wear anything of John B's, and I don't have much here –"

"What if I wanted to wear those sweatpants?" JJ asks then.

"Too bad," Sarah says, and then she hands the clothes to Lani before she walks towards the fire everyone's gathered around. Lani's heart settles then.

So, she turns towards the house to change, but pauses. She feels weird. Like she just really shouldn't be here. Yeah, she's floating at the surface and she's OK but it's just...weird.

"Want me to go with you?" JJ asks suddenly.

"No, JJ, I don't need you to watch me change, thank you –"

"That's not what I'm saying," he says. "Do you want me to go inside with you?"

"Oh," she says. "Um, sure."

And so he follows her inside, and she goes towards John B's room, pushing the door open to the familiar room. JJ goes to close the door, leaving her alone, but she stops him. "Can you – can you stay here? I just – I don't know."

"Um, sure." JJ gulps visibly and closes the door behind him.

"I just don't really want to be alone," she says. "Can you turn around?"

He bites his lip and nods, turning around and sitting on the bed. Lani turns around, too, peeling the wet bathing suit from her body. Goosebumps rise on her skin in the places she removes the suit from, and she shivers each time.

As she pulls the dry clothes on, she says so quietly that JJ swears he didn't actually hear it, "I've spent all of this time, like, hating you guys because I thought you got Sarah killed...and you really didn't."

He doesn't know what to say because he can't see her. He can't read her expression or body language or anything, so he can't predict where this conversation is going. His heart starts to thump a little harder, and his hands start to sweat, and then he feels the bed dip beside him. He looks over his shoulder, and Lani is sitting on the bed next to him facing the other direction. He still can't read her. If he could just see her face, he'd know what to say.

Her hair spills over the shoulders that hold Sarah's white tank top, and her legs are covered in his grey sweatpants. His fucking sweatpants. He inhales sharply. He still doesn't know what to say. Fuck.

Her hands fold in her lap, and her eyes still don't meet his. "I just – I didn't think – I don't know. I've been...I've been a bitch, JJ."

Does she want a response from that?

"And I know you probably don't care. I just don't know who else to say this to," she says, and he can breathe in relief because Lani's just ranting. All she wants are his ears, and they're wide open for her. He'll listen anytime she wants to talk. "You guys aren't too bad."

He still doesn't say anything.

"You can talk now," she says, and her hair falls over the back of her shoulder when she turns to look at him. Her eyes are glazed over, and the braids framing her face sit delicately by her cheeks.

JJ just looks at her, and she doesn't even look like Lani Liu. Lani wears glittery makeup and has rosy cheeks and wears tight dresses and – fucking Lani Liu doesn't wear his sweatpants. It's making his head all fuzzy. Her face is mostly bare and her hair is frizzy and she's in his sweatpants –

JJ, man, get it together.

"Or not," she says. "That's OK. I just – needed to say it out loud."

"I'm sorry," he says suddenly.

"Sorry? I'm the one that should be sorry. I've been horrible to you."

"Understandably," he says. "But...I'm still sorry. 'Cause you lost your best friend, too. I get it."

He sees her eyes well with tears, and he wants to take back everything he said. What an idiot. Way to make the fucking girl cry, JJ.

"I'm gonna – I'm gonna go back outside," she says then, and his heart drops. He didn't know where this conversation was going to go, but it's the most real Lani has been in years. He shouldn't have hoped for anything, really, but he did.

So, Lani stands from the bed and leaves the room. When she steps outside with her bare feet, she watches as Pope and Kiara pull away in a boat. John B and Sarah are staring at them with smiles on their faces (but also...they look slightly confused?).

"Where are they going?" Lani asks then, and the couple turns to look at her. Her arms are wrapped comfortably around her stomach, and she looks nothing like Lani Liu. Except for the leftover glitter on her face and the bleached brains in her hair.

"Some Pogue-on-Pogue macking, I believe," JJ says as he comes out of the house behind her, his warm hand brushing her back as he passes her.

"Do I want to know what that means?" Lani asks, pretending not to feel the chills that shoot up her spine at the gesture.

JJ puckers his lips and makes kissing sounds as he walks back over to her. Lani uses her hand to push his face away. "Get away from me. Gross."

"What? No Pogues for you?" he asks, holding his arms in the air in a what the hell manner.

Lani scoffs softly. "Absolutely not."

"What –?"

"Wait, wait, wait," John B says suddenly. The way he says this makes Lani's heart pause. Why does he sound almost...scared?

"What?" JJ asks, turning to face John B.

"What was that?" John B asks.

"Your chicken?" JJ replies.

Lani pulls her brows together because John B has a fucking chicken? She suddenly feels uncomfortable, folding her arms in front of her stomach where they were before. Something is weird. "I don't hear a chicken," Lani says.

"That's because it's probably dead," JJ says.

Lani gasps softly. "Then why would you say –?"

"I heard a car door," John B says.

JJ starts clucking like a chicken, and John B puts his hand over his mouth, silencing him completely apart from the muffled complaints from JJ under his hand. Lani feels herself gravitate closer to Sarah, tightening the hold on herself from her arms. What the fuck is happening? Why is John B so scared?

"John B, if this is some kind of sick joke –" Lani begins with a whine. Her brows are pulled together in worry, and she really just wanted to just fucking drink tonight. What the fuck?

"Shhh," he says. "Go, go, go." He grabs Sarah and ushers her towards the fire. Lani doesn't move because she doesn't know what's fucking going on, so JJ grabs her elbow and pulls her gently in the same direction. She follows him closely.

"What about my purse –?" she asks.

"Who cares about your purse?"

"Whoever the fuck you're hearing can literally see it – it's right there –"

In a quick motion, JJ and John B put out the fire before John B helps Sarah up into a big tree nearby. Lani stands at the bottom, her heart racing. Why is it racing? This is probably a fucking prank. Yeah, that's what it is. The Pogues probably do this all the time.

JJ stands beside her and holds out his hands, one overlapping the other as he lowers them to the height of his waist. With him quietly saying jump, she puts her feet into the palms of his hands, and he pushes her up into the tree. She climbs into an area near Sarah, sitting in a spot that's sort of shaped like a 'Y'. She sits with one leg on either side of the large branch, her heart thumping harshly in her chest. Thump, thump, thump.

JJ climbs up beside her but can't get any farther before there's people below, and he has to stop moving. He sits on the outside of her. Her back becomes warm as he sits behind her, his hands hovering by her waist for some sort of stability. Thumpthumpthump.

Out of the darkness below come Rafe and Barry. With guns. Fucking guns. She's heard about Rafe hanging out with the drug dealer but didn't know he handled guns like that. She should've guessed, really, with how he was shouting throughout the bar earlier about how cool guns are and the backfire that comes with them.

"Where the hell are you?" Rafe mutters. He's literally right below them, and Lani can feel a whimper start in the back of her throat. It's so close to escaping but JJ places his hand over her mouth, silencing her completely. Why does he have a fucking gun? God, she should've just went home. This is the worst.

She wants to force herself back into the darkness, throw herself off the deep end to sink and sink and sink and – but she can't. Her body won't fucking let her, and all she can do is tightly hold the trunk of the tree right in front of her. Stay present, her body says. This isn't the time.

But when is it ever the time to sink?

JJ holds his hand over Lani's mouth tightly, pressing her back against his chest as he holds her close. She's never felt so scared in her life. Not once. JJ can feel her body shake against his, no doubt because of the tears she's fighting back just out of his eyesight.

John B turns around and looks at JJ. His eyes momentarily flash to JJ's hand over Lani's mouth, his chest pressed firmly to her back as he keeps her from making any noises. He turns back around then, fear etched in his eyes.

"Yo!" Rafe yells. "Anything?" He storms out of the house, slamming bottles around as he does so.

Stay present, stay present, stay present.

"No, ain't shit in there, bro," Barry says.

"No? Nothing?"

"No, nothing, Rafe," Barry says.

Please, please, please.

"They were obviously just here based off the smoke, man. And the purse? That fucking dress and shit? They're Lani's...She's here, too."

Thump, thump, thump.

JJ feels a wet drop fall on his finger. Lani's crying. She's fucking crying, and he can't really do anything about it right now.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great observation, boy scout. Glad you know your purses."

Rafe stops at the fire, waving his hand at the smoke. "They're not far, you know?"

"Smokey, the Bear! Look at you, bro!"

"They gotta be around here somewhere."

Then, they're both standing right under the tree. Right below their feet. Thumpthumpthump – "P4L," Barry mocks.

"Well, shit," Rafe says.

"So your sister's a Pogue for life, huh, Rafe? Now who would've thought?"

She can see Rafe literally shaking with anger before he yells, "Shit!" and fires his gun at the tree. Lani's heart thumps in her chest at the sound. He fires it again just as Barry is pulling him back to leave, and Lani can feel it whizz beside her head and into the tree right fucking by her. She would've screamed if JJ's hand wasn't still covering her mouth. Instead, it comes out more as a cry, and she tries to scoot back but can't. Stay present, stay present, stay –

She pushes against the tree, trying to get as far away from it as possible, tears falling from her eyes. She almost got fucking shot. Oh my god –

"Relax," JJ whispers just by her ear. His free hand tightens on her waist, and she can feel his hair tickling her cheek as he speaks.

"Hey! Whoa! Hey, chill, bro! Rafe! Chill out! You're gonna get our asses busted, bro, let's bounce! Let's bounce. Let's go!"

When they're finally out of eyesight, Lani's body collapses into JJ completely. He lets go of her mouth, and she gasps with tears in her eyes.

"Lani?" he says quietly.

She doesn't say anything, but she doesn't leave either. She stays against JJ, her back to his front, absorbing his warmth and his comfort and she just fucking cries.

AN: AHHHHHHH!!

this chapter was such a whirlwind, but I had SO much fun writing it. there's a lot of hidden feelings and shit in this chapter, and I know they're not all super obvious but I hold them close to my heart and cherish Lani and JJ and everyone.

What did y'all think?? xx I hope you liked it!! :)