⚠mentions of self harm⚠

Who You'd Be Today by Kenny Chesney

Kageyama

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.

I hear a knock. "Kageyama?"

I wear the pain like a heavy coat.

"What is it, Suga?" I reply.

I feel you everywhere I go.

"Look, I can't even imagine what you've gone through-"

"Gone through? You say that like it's past tense!" I yell, cutting him off.

I see your smile, I see your face.

"I just want to talk, Daichi is here too. Please, let us in?" When Suga wants something like that in this kind of situation, he doesn't tell you to let him in. He asks if you're willing to because he knows how fragile you are at that time. And if there's one thing I hate, it's being fragile.

I hear you laughin' in the rain.

I open the door and let them in. My hair is an overgrown mess both on my head and on my face. I don't remember the last time I showered (maybe a week ago?) and my clothes hadn't been changed since then either. It was raining outside. You loved the rain. . .

I still can't believe you're gone.

They both sit down on my bed.

"Kageyama, it's past time to move on and you know it. I'm not saying relationships, I'm saying start playing volleyball again, go for a run, shower. Live your life." Daichi says.

"I can't!" I yell. "Every little thing reminds me of him!"

It ain't fair, you died too young.

"Kageyama, it's been three years. You know it's what he would have wanted." Suga tries to reason, but I shake my head.

"It was my fault! I should have been there for him! I should have walked him home! Now he's gone! And it's all my fault!" Great. I'm crying again.

Like the story that had just begun.

"IT IS NOT AND YOU KNOW IT!" I flinch. Suga hardly ever raises his voice, but now he was crying too and so was Daichi.

I look down.

But death tore the pages all away.

"THAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED TO ANY OF US! IT JUST SO HAPPENED THAT IT WAS HIM!" Suga got really intense when he wanted someone to stop thinking a certain way about themself.

God knows how I miss you, all the hell that I've been through.

"I SHOULD HAVE PROTECTED HIM!" Tears stream down my face like a river that just unfroze. "I SHOULD HAVE WALKED HIM HOME THAT DAY LIKE I SAID I WOULD!"

Just knowin' no-one could take your place.

"YOU DIDN'T KNOW! NOBODY COULD HAVE EVER PREDICTED THIS!"

An' sometimes I wonder: Who'd you be today?

"I STILL SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE! ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT!"

"THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!"

Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?

"He wanted to be on the international volleyball team and travel the whole world playing volleyball. He would talk to me about it and I could see the excitement and the determination in his eyes."

Settle down with a family? I wonder: What would you name your babies?

"I was going to propose the next week, did I ever tell you that?" I look up at Suga, who I'm now realizing has not spoken in a while nor has Daichi. Those sly bastards. They had me monologuing!

They both shake their heads no.

Some days the sky's so blue, I feel like I can talk to you- An' I know it might sound crazy.

"I keep the ring in that draw next to my bed. Sometimes I pull it out and just hold it, sometimes I'll think about all the possibile ways it could have gone. . ."

It ain't fair: you died too young

"Why him?" I ask, helplessly. "Why did it have to be the big ray of sunshine who loved volleyball and the rain?"

Like the story that had just begun, but death tore the pages all away.

"I don't know, I'm sorry." Daichi said. "Things like that just happen. And none of us can stop it."

God knows how I miss you, all the hell that I've been through.

"I just want to be alone for a little while longer, okay? Then we can talk a little more rationally." I don't mean that. I just want them to leave.

"Okay." They get up and leave.

Just knowin' no-one could take your place.

I get up and dig through the mess that is my room.

An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?

I keep rummaging, unable to find it although I just used it yesterday.

Today, today, today. . .

I find it, the silver knife caked with dry blood and then I start looking for Shouyou's ring. I want to have it on me.

Today, today, today. . .

I find it and slide it on my finger, ready to end it all. But then I see something, more like hear something.

"Tobio. . . "

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.

I turn around faster than I thought humanly possible. "Shouyou??"

I wear the pain like a heavy coat.

"Tobio, you can't do this. You have a whole life to live!" He says.

"So did you! You were taken before your time!" I argue, just wanting to hold him again.

"I was taken right when I was meant to be taken. It just seems untimely because it was unexpected among the living." He places a hand on my cheek, but I can't feel it. It's as if nothing is there. He looks at me sadly. "Go, live your life or I'll have to kill you." He jokes, making me laugh a little. I didn't notice how much I was crying until right now.

The only thing that gives me hope,

"By the way, Tobio, I would have said yes. We would have adopted kids when we were financially stable and named them Haruka and Naoko. If you stay alive and live your life to the fullest, that can still be true. Just not with me."

"What do you mean? I could never replace you!"

"It's not replacing, it's moving on."

Is I know I'll see you again some day.

"Shouyou. . . "

"Now go! Live life! Find somebody! Play volleyball! Do what makes you happy! But first, please shower!" We both laugh, mostly me, meaning he was somewhat serious.

"Okay. . . I'll try. . . I'll live for the both of us!"

Some day, some day, some day.

Shouyou disappeared into the light, but I went outside and cried into Suga's shoulder.

"I need your help. . . " I admit.

"Okay. . . " He says, a bit surprised. "Okay."

A/N that was a lot longer than I thought/anticipated it was going to be but still I'm sorry if I made you cry. And I think the only reason I'm not crying now is because I'm pretty sure I have no moisture left in my eyes.

UPDATE ON THAT I WROTE THAT AT LIKE 3 IN THE MORNING AND I JUST PROOFREAD IT AND I'M CRYING