One Weird, Happy Family [Cooking With KyuMin]

Title: Cooking With KyuMin [One Weird, Happy Family]

Pairings: Kyuhyun/Sungmin, Yesung/Ryeowook

Minor Pairings: implied!Jonghyun/Key

Genre: AU, Romance, Crack, Humor

Rating: PG

Warnings: Girl!Sungmin, Girl!Key, Girl!Chunji, Girl!Ryeowook

Summary: Sungmin is going to visit her best friend from high school, and she’s bringing her family with her. Key and Chunji (and Kyuhyun) agree to help make cookies. But Chunji and Key really can’t cook. Like...at all.

Note: Dedicated to KyuMin, JongKey and Teen Top lovers!!

Others: [Prologue] - [KangTeuk] - [HanChul] - [ShinRi] - [YeWook] - [HaeHyuk] - [KyuMin] - [SiBum] - [HenMi] - [Epilogue]

“Okay, I’ll see you soon!” Sungmin says, hanging the phone up and letting out a small, quiet squeal of excitement. “Kyuhyunnie! Kyuhyunnie, where are you?”

“I’ m in the den. And I’m not really in a good mood right now, so if you’re going to ask me to take the girls to the park then I’ll say no,” Kyuhyun yells from the den, glaring at his laptop.

“Why are you in a bad...oh,” Sungmin says, suppressing a giggle at the sight of her husband’s laptop.

“Why did we buy Key a Bedazzler?” Kyuhyun groans, picking off more of the eternally-sticky rhinestones (that were pink of all colors) that were completely covering his precious laptop. “I just knew that she would do something like this, but no, you wouldn’t believe me and now my laptop is pink!”

“It looks lovely, if that’s any consolation,” Sungmin says, biting back a grin. Kyuhyun gives her an exasperated look before continuing to pry off the rhinestones, and Sungmin continues. “Oh come on, it’s not so bad! Besides, she’s just being a creative little girl!”

“Umma~! I made your nunchucks all pretty~!” Key sings, dancing into the room and twirling a pair of freshly-Bedazzled nunchucks above her head. “And Chunji decorated your martial arts belt to match!”

Chunji then teeters into the room, nearly tripping over the sparkly pink belt (that used to be black), a shy grin on her face. “Umma’s favorite color, right?”

Now it’s Kyuhyun who is biting back laughter as Sungmin closes her eyes and takes deep breaths, trying to calm herself. “Yes, sweetie. Umma’s favorite color...” she manages to say without yelling.

“Who are appa’s creative little angels?” Kyuhyun asks, hugging the little girls and completely forgetting that his laptop was in the same predicament as the nunchucks and belt. “Appa is going to buy you a whole new pack of rhinestones of any color you want, okay?”

Sungmin internally sighs and reaches over to ruffle her daughters’ hair. “Oh! I almost forgot! Kyu, I just got off the phone with Ryeowook!”

Kyuhyun kisses Key and Chunji on their foreheads and looks up at Sungmin, blinking. “...And that would be...?”

Sungmin sighs and shakes her head. “My best friend from high school. We did everything together but then lost touch when we went to college on opposite sides of the country,” Sungmin explains.

“Then how did you get back in touch?” Kyuhyun asks, looking at Sungmin while scooping Key up and putting her on one leg and Chunji on the other.

“I ran into Hyukjae the other day and she still keeps in touch with Ryeowook so she gave the both of us each other’s contact information,” Sungmin says, while Kyuhyun just stares and blinks dumbly. “Kyu! I’ve told you a million times that Hyukjae has been my best, best friend since preschool!”

“Well how am I supposed to keep track of all your friends?” Kyuhyun splutters. “I’m a guy and you have too many of them. Wait...was Hyukjae the weird one with the goofy smile and smelly feet that was always watching por-...you know what?”

Sungmin chooses not to answer that last question and turns to her daughters. “We’re going over to Auntie Ryeowook’s house later today, okay? She and her husband have two kids, around your age, for you to play with. Isn’t that exciting?”

“Are they girls or boys, and are they gonna make us play dumb games?” Key asks, looking inquiringly up at her mother. “And if they’re boys, they better not give me their cooties, because cooties are gross.”

Chunji nods in agreement, scrunching up her face to show just how gross she thinks cooties are.

Kyuhyun and Sungmin exchange glances, smiling lightly at the behavior of their daughters. “Well, I’m not sure if they’re boys or girls, but I’m sure they’re wonderful. Auntie Ryeowook is a lovely person, so I’m sure her children will be too.”

Key and Chunji seem to accept this explanation, as they nod at their mother and grab each other’s hands. “Can we dress up for this, then?” Key asks, speaking for the two of them.

Sungmin grins and nods. “Of course! But first...would you like to help umma make cookies for them as a little treat?”

Key and Chunji beam. “You mean...we get to help umma in the kitchen?” Key asks, all wide-eyed and smiley, because there were very few rules in the house, but one of them was No being in the kitchen when umma is in the kitchen.

Sungmin nods again. “Yes, and your appa will help too!”

“Say what now?”

~~~~~

“Umma said to beat the eggs, but appa said we should never hurt anyone,” Key says, staring at the eggs and frowning at her dilemma. “What did the eggs ever do to us?”

“Um...give us bad gas?” Chunji suggests, holding the plastic pink bowl to her chest and also staring at the eggs.

“I got it!” Key exclaims, snapping our fingers. “Eggs give us bad gas, so we beat them as revenge! Chunji, isn’t unnie a genius?”

Chunji nods and places the bowl on the counter. “How many eggs did umma say to use?”

“Eight,” Key says, holding up four fingers on each hand. “This many, okay?”

Chunji nods and grabs the proper amount of eggs and places them in the bowl, looking around for the beating thing. Umma and appa are struggling together as Sungmin tries to get Kyuhyun to wear an apron and Kyuhyun tries to escape.

“Die, eggs!” Key exclaims, sounding very much like her father when he is shooting robotic bug alien things. Key stands on her tip-toes on her chair and starts punching the little eggs with her fists, pouting when the shells hurt her hands but grinning when the eggs are reduced to a wet, sloppy puddle of yellow goo. “Come on, Chunji. Help unnie beat the eggs!”

Chunji cackles and sinks her hands into the mixture, letting out a giggly squeal as the cold goop seeps between her fingers. “It’s squishy and cold!”

Key nods in agreement and the two continue to beat the eggs until it’s completely yellow and the shells are reduced to a fine powder.

“Umma! We beat the eggs! What next?” Key asks, wiping her hands on the towel while Chunji wipes her hands on her pink, frilly apron.

“Flour! Twelve cups, okay?” Sungmin says, finally getting the apron on Kyuhyun after distracting him with a kiss. She ties the apron up and grins in triumph as Kyuhyun glares half-heartedly at her from beneath the baker’s hat she forced on his head.

Key nods and hops off of the chair and walks toward the pantry to grab the flour. It’s a rather large container, and it doesn’t quite fit in her arms, so she tells Chunji to bring the bowl over. Chunji does so, and some of the yolky mixture sloshes out and lands on the floor, but Key dismisses that, saying they’ll just add a little less flour.

“What kinda cup should we use?” Chunji asks, grabbing a sippy cup, a princess cup and a mug.

“This one!” Key decides, grabbing one of the really cool cups, the kind that has liquid and floating things on the bottom in a separate portion (the liquid is pink and has rainbow fairies in it). “Twelve of these, Chunji,” Key says, handing the cup to her sister. “I’m trusting you to count properly!”

Chunji looks as if she was just handed the key to the city and nods, accepting the responsibility while Key goes back into the closet to get more flour, since their container isn’t quite full. She’s on her fifth scoop when Key makes a hmph sound, followed by the sound of paper tearing, followed by a white explosion of powdery flour, floating everywhere and coating the girls.

Their eyes widen in shock and they cough while waving the dust away before crawling around the counter to peer at their parents, making sure they didn’t see what happened behind the counter.

They sigh in relief when they see that their parents are too busy showing each other affection to see their little mess.

“Chunji, how many cups did you add so far?” Key asks her sister when they get back to the bowl.

“Umm...” Chunji hums, tapping her chin and thinking. “I lost track...”

Key frowns and looks at the bowl. “That looks like...um...well, it looks like we need more flour.”

They add in ten more cups of flour, just to be safe, before mixing it around as best as they could.

“Next?” Chunji asks.

Key glances over at her parents, frowning when she realizes that there is no way for her to get their attention as they are slipping into their room, apparently forgetting about the little chefs.

Key sighs and climbs up to the counter and grabs the recipe before sliding back to the floor. “Sugar!” Chunji beams and gets out the sugar while Key continues to read it. “The recipe says eight cups. But...that sounds like too little, don’t you agree?”

Chunji nods. “Maybe we should use appa’s mug for the sugar? It’s the biggest.”

Key claps a hand on Chunji’s shoulder. “My little dongsaeng is such a smart girl. Yes, we shall use appa’s mug! Eight cups of sugar it is!”

~~~~~

About half an hour later, the kitchen is a complete disaster zone and the children are no better, but they sit proudly by their bowl of doughy mixture, ignoring the egg and milk puddles on the floor and the flour that seemed to have gotten everywhere. “It’s perfect!” Chunji declares, eating a spoonful of it.

Key looks at the mixture analytically, not completely pleased. “Normally it’s...thicker, right?”

Chunji gasps. “You’re right! Unnie, we must have done something wrong,” she wails, eyes wide and chin starting to wibble.

“No, no, no, Chunji don’t cry!” Key exclaims, hugging her sister. “We’ll just add...um...something thick... Ooh! Marshmallows!”

“Unnie, you’re a genius!” Chunji declares, pulling out a bag of marshmallows and dumping them in.

The mixture is a bit...sloppier and chunkier than it should be, but the children overlook that because the mix tastes delicious, and they plop it onto the trays in little mounds of the weird dough.

“We can’t use the oven without umma,” Key says matter-of-factly. “I’ll get her. You stay here, okay?”

Chunji nods obediently and Key stands up, brushing herself off and leaving behind a cloud of flour as she makes her way to her parents’ room. “Umma! Appa! If you’re not busy having fornicating, then please help us put the cookies in the oven!”

Key hears her appa groan and mutter something about how Key never should have found and read that book. Sungmin says it’s Kyuhyun’s own fault for buying it and then leaving it lying around when he was playing his computer games.

About five minutes later, the pair exits the room and enters the kitchen, Sungmin nearly fainting at the sight.

“Don’t they look wonderful?” Key asks, standing beside her tray of cookies, beside Chunji and her own tray of cookies. “They’re ready to be baked!”

Sungmin lets out a few squeaks and Kyuhyun has to pat her on the back before she’s able to form a proper sentence. “Oh that’s very nice. Why don’t you let appa give you girls a bath while I put them in the oven and clean up, hmm?”

Key and Chunji grin and nod and lace their fingers together, skipping after their father toward the bathroom.

Sungmin takes one more look at the gloop before tossing it in the trash and starting over.

~~~~~

“What if they have cooties?” Chunji asks, squirming in her booster seat as her father buckles her in.

Kyuhyun chuckles and ruffles her hair before placing a kiss on her forehead. “Appa’s kisses will stop you from ever catching them, okay?”

“Is that why umma never gets cooties?” Key asks, blinking innocently up at her father as he buckles her in as well.

Kyuhyun chuckles and nods, giving Key a kiss on the forehead as well.

The car ride is filled with the sounds of the four of them singing together to Disney songs, Key occasionally stopping to admire her pretty pink pants and Chunji’s pretty purple pants. They’re wearing matching outfits, of course, but Key’s is in pink and Chunji’s in purple, as usual.

It takes about an hour, but they finally get to the house and good thing because Chunji is doing the potty dance and Key is reprimanding her, telling her she should have listened to unnie and shouldn’t have drunk the bathtub water.

Chunji agrees with her sister, but dashes into the strange house as soon as her appa unbuckles her. Key grabs her umma’s hand, for security, as she enters the house, her appa behind them. Chunji has already been directed to the bathroom, so Key must face the family alone. (Despite her parents being right there with her, she still considers herself alone.)

“Hello there, dear,” a pretty woman with high cheekbones and doe eyes says, smiling. “My name is Ryeowook, but you can call me Auntie. This is my husband, Yesung, and you can call him Uncle.”

“Umma!” a rather short boy yells, ambling into the room with another child looking just like him (but slightly taller) behind him. “Appa won’t let me teach Ddangkie how to swim!”

Key narrows her eyes at the children, watching them carefully. Boys are slobs, she decides. Baggy shorts, basketball jerseys and baseball caps slapped on over messy hair. Key sniffs and looks down at her pink pants and white shirt with her name Bedazzled onto it. Clearly they have no sense of fashion, especially compared to her.

“Well, Jonghyun baby, Ddangkoma is a tortoise, so he can’t swim,” Ryeowook explains, crouching down to his level.

“That’s why we’re gonna teach him,” the other says. “It was Jjongie hyung’s idea.”

“Aw, your sons are so cute,” Sungmin coos at the children, releasing Key’s hand to move closer to the two matching children. “Which one is older?”

“Jonghyun is older than Amber by a year, but I only have one son,” Ryeowook says, leaning against her husband who is holding a large tortoise rather protectively.

“Yeah. I’m a girl, auntie,” the taller one says, glaring up at Sungmin from under her cap. “I don’t have a ding dong.”

Sungmin gapes and Kyuhyun snorts while Jonghyun laughs and playfully punches his sister on the arm. Ryeowook and Yesung seem unfazed by it though, because they’re used to their rather blunt and tomboyish daughter.

“You speak so crudely!” Key exclaims, completely taken aback by Amber’s harsh manner of speaking. “What kind of girl are you?”

Amber chomps on her gum and looks Key over, frowning slightly. “Um...not a spoiled princess like you, princess.”

Key fumes and stomps her foot. “I am not a princess! I’m a diva!”

“Diva, princess...what’s the difference?” Amber asks, rolling her eyes and pulling her cap down lower.

Key stares before opening her mouth to yell again. “Princesses are dumb girls who sing all day and wait for princes while divas do whatever they want!”

“Well then I think you’re a princess,” Amber says, glaring at Key.

“You take that back you mean meanie-head!” Key orders, clenching her fists at her side and stomping her feet in quick succession.

“Make me!” Amber taunts, poking her tongue out and putting her hands on her hips.

“UMMA! MAKE HER STOP!” Key yells, now jumping up and down in frustration.

Sungmin and Kyuhyun exchange worried glances, as they know the temper tantrum of Key has only just begun, and they need to stop it before it’s too late.

“Key, Key sweetheart, I’m sure Amber didn’t mean it,” Sungmin murmurs gently, kneeling beside her daughter.

“Yes I did,” Amber says with a smirk.

Key glares and stomps over and shoves Amber, murder in her eyes. All the adults in the room gasp, and Jonghyun steps protectively in front of his sister.

“Move it, Dino Boy, before I slap you silly too!” Key says, glowering.

Jonghyun gapes, and Amber does too. But then Amber is giggling and pushing Jonghyun aside. “I like you, Key! You’re not completely girly. Name’s Amber, put her there!” she says, holding out her hand.

Key stares at the hand for a few seconds, startled by the turn of events, but grins and shakes the hand. “I’m Cho Kibum, but everyone calls me Key! Hi Amber!”

The adults have no idea what just happened, and neither does Jonghyun, but they’re all too relieved about Key and Amber getting along nicely to worry about that.

“I’m done~!” Chunji sings, dancing into the room. “What did I miss?”

~~~~~

“If you’re going to wear a hat, at least wear it stylishly, gosh,” Key sighs, sitting at the kiddy table with Chunji, Amber and Jonghyun.

“Eh?” Amber asks, raising an eyebrow in confusion. “Backwards is totally, um, stylish!”

“Backwards is so last season,” Key says, tossing her curly brown locks over her shoulder. “Sideways is the new thing,” she says, adjusting Amber’s hat for her. “Now you look cooler!”

Amber grins and looks down at her (unfortunately) empty plate. “Umma! Cookies please?”

“In a minute, Amber,” Ryeowook replies, giggling at something Sungmin said. “Auntie Sungmin brought cookies that she and her family made. We’ll dish them out in a moment!”

Amber frowns and rests her chin on her plate. “Jjongie hyung, what are the grown-ups talking about?”

“Grown-up stuff that doesn’t concern us kids, of course,” Jonghyun replies, acting as if he knows all.

Key shakes her head. “No, they’re talking about us, Dino Boy. They said mine and Chunji’s name at least four times. So yes, it does concern us.”

Chunji nods in agreement, because Key knows all. “Unnie is right!”

“Unnie? Aren’t you two twins?” Jonghyun asks, wrinkling his nose in confusion. “And don’t call me Dino Boy!”

“Yes, but I’m older by four whole minutes,” Key states. “And I’ll call you that if I want to, Dino Boy, because you look like a dinosaur!”

Jonghyun grumbles, eyes narrowing at Key.

“Amber, why do you call Dino Boy hyung?” Key asks. “Shouldn’t you call your big brother oppa?”

“I dun wanna,” Amber says, shaking her head. “I wanna be like hyung, so I’ll call him hyung! Jjongie hyung knows everything.”

Chunji gasps. “So does Key unnie!”

“I bet my hyung is smarter,” Amber says challengingly.

“Nu-uh! My unnie is smarter!” Chunji protests.

“Cookies!” Ryeowook and Sungmin sing, interrupting the children before the argument could escalate to a higher level, placing the cookies on each other their plates.

“COOKIES!” Amber and Jonghyun exclaim in unison before attacking the cookies hungrily.

Key does likewise, but she is much neater and is nibbling delicately on her first while Chunji is wolfing down her second. Chunji pauses, mid-chew, crumbs on her lips and chin. “Unnie...where are the marshmallows we added?” she asks, confused by the lack of the lumpy puffs of sugar.

Key taps her chin. “They must have melted in the oven,” she decides, finishing her first cookie and grabbing her second.

Chunji’s face clears and she grins widely, finding that answer completely plausible. “See? Unnie knows everything!”

“You put marshmallows in these? Cool!” Amber cheers, grabbing more to eat.

Key smiles, kind of smugly because she’s proud, and nods.

“You’re...not that bad at baking,” Jonghyun admits, looking away from Key as he says this.

“You’re...not that good at complimenting people,” Key counters with a nod. “But thank you. Chunji and I are good, aren’t we?”

Amber and Chunji snicker and Jonghyun glowers at Key, but other than that it’s a rather peaceful cookie break.

~~~~~

“To play house properly, we need an umma, an appa, and children,” Key instructs, rolling her eyes when Jonghyun said they just needed an appa, children and a puppy (he would be the puppy, of course). “Gosh, don’t you know anything, Dino Boy?”

“I know everything!” Jonghyun exclaims. “You don’t, because you’re just a dumb girl!”

“I am a genius, thank you very much!” Key exclaims, hands on her hips. “You’re just a dumb, prehistoric boy!”

Jonghyun blinks, trying to figure out what prehi-whatchamacallit means before glaring at Key. “You should be the umma, because you nag, nag, nag like an umma does!”

“Well you should be the baby because you just whine, whine, whine like one! Plus you’re so dumb you probably don’t know what two plus two is!” Key retorts.

“Um...maybe Jonghyun oppa should be the appa, because he’s the only boy?” Chunji suggests quietly.

“No!” Key and Jonghyun shout in unison, still glaring at each other. “Amber, you be the appa! I’m not marrying your stupid dinosaur of a brother!”

“Um...Key? Maybe we should play a different game? Like...basketball?” Amber suggests, pulling her brother away from Key, because honestly they look ready to kill each other.

~~~~~

“Why don’t you like my hyung?” Amber asks Key, the two of them and Chunji raiding Amber’s closet for dress-up clothes, Key sadly finding nothing worthy to dress up in. “He’s the best!”

“Because he’s a mean meanie-head that looks like a dinosaur and argues with me and I don’t like him,” Key grumbles, wrinkling her nose when she pulls out another boy’s shirt that Amber owns.

Sungmin and Ryeowook stand in the doorway secretly, giggling and whispering about how adorable it is that Key has a crush on Jonghyun.

In the other room, Jonghyun is complaining to his father. “Why is she like that?” he whines. “Girls like me! Why doesn’t Key? Not that I like her, but why doesn’t she like me?”

Kyuhyun narrows his eyes while Yesung chuckles and ruffles his son’s hair. “Girls have a funny way of showing affection, son.”

“One wrong move, boy, and you’ll regret it,” Kyuhyun warns, not liking the fact that Jonghyun so obviously likes his little diva.

Jonghyun stares up at the tall man and nods, because he is seriously a little scared right now, not that he’d ever admit that.

~~~~~

“Well it was lovely seeing you again, Ryeowookie,” Sungmin exclaims, holding hands with Ryeowook and beaming at her friend. “We must do this again sometime, the children love each other!”

Kyuhyun suppresses the urge to scoff at that little statement, as he’s watching Key and Jonghyun glare at each other and stick their tongues out at each other from behind their mothers’ legs. Chunji and Amber are watching their older siblings in a mixture of confusion and amusement, and it really is quite cute.

“Bye Key, bye Chunji,” Amber says, nodding goodbye at the girls. “We should play again. I’ll teach you how to play basketball!”

“And I’ll fix your hair!” Key replies with a grin. “You’d look good as a blonde! Dontcha agree, Chunji?”

Chunji nods and gives Amber a hug goodbye, Key doing likewise (and sticking her tongue out at Jonghyun over Amber’s shoulder) and promising to play again soon, and definitely bring more of their fabulous cookies.

Kyuhyun and Yesung shake hands, because while they may not be as chummy as their wives are, they still got along somewhat well. Somewhat. They both thought the other was completely weird (turtles and philtrums? StarCraft and math?) but still; it was nice to actually have a guy friend. Kinda.

The Cho family leaves the house and piles into their car, ready to head back home. They’re just pulling out of the driveway when Jonghyun slips out of his mother’s grasp and runs outside. “I think you’re cute, Key!” he yells, and he can only just see the startled blush that spread’s over the diva’s face, and he grins in triumph.

That is, until, the window is being rolled down and Key is yelling back, “I’m not cute! I’m a pretty diva, thank you very much, Dino Boy!”