A year before...

Max sat with a scotch in his hand. He wasn't drunk, but he wanted to be. If he shut his eyes, he could pretend he was a kid again, and the chlorine was from his pool. When he opened his eyes, he took a large burning gulp. He wasn't as accustomed to the stuff as Zach and JJ. In his world, he limited drinking to occasional days off.

There was a burning behind his eyes as he watched the shadows dance in the moonlight. Witnessing Olivia kiss some guy hurt in ways he couldn't comprehend. As he fought back tears, he pulled out his phone and sent a text to Trish. Are you okay?

Max had worked with many people throughout his residency. He and Trish gelled during his fifth year, when he was Chief Resident. She was always eager to try anything, and it was obvious she would be an excellent surgeon. The closest he had to a little sister was Olivia, but he had never felt brotherly towards her. Seeing Trish sad put him into brother mode. Slowly she confided in him about the troubles in her marriage.

Just before he left for his much needed vacation, his trip to Maine, Trish had been in tears. She had told her husband she wanted the pediatric fellowship. When Max's two years were up, she would be ready for the coveted program. There was only one fellow every two years. Max felt lucky it had been him.

Trish had cried. "Why do I have to choose? Why can't I have them both?"

Max shook his head. "Every marriage I know requires togetherness. You can't be together while you're repairing hernias day and night. It will never change. This is our life."

"I want this, but someday I want kids. I love him."

"Maybe he'll get used to the idea." He babbled.

As he watched Olivia kissing the guy, his fate was sealed. He had chosen his career. He picked his life. Like Trish had to sacrifice, he would too. His sacrifice was to watch Olivia find a man to love. He emptied his glass, as he doubted the guy with his hands on her had a chance. The others were having a good time encouraging the couples in the pool. The scotch didn't sit well, so he grimaced. Zach looked ready to pounce.

Lilli walked to the pool like the diva in charge. "Come on, bitches. We need our beauty sleep. I can't have hungover and tired bridesmaids."

Her friend complained about getting demoted? Max wanted to punch the guy who kissed drunk Livvy, but he held himself back. He was a surgeon and self-control was imperative. As Zach warmed Olivia up and whispered to her, Max frowned wishing it could have been him.

"Blame it on the lemon." Olivia tried to joke, but Max looked into his empty glass wishing it were full.

Zach smiled when he returned to their room. "I don't know what got into Liv tonight and don't say it's because I'm getting married. I'm marrying Lilli. Max, I love her so much."

Max had to smile at his brother's excitement. Wedding bliss matched Zach perfectly, but long hours on call and putting patients first no matter what did not meld well with marriage. Trish proved it.

"I can't believe Livvy. Am I wrong does she still like me?"

"Did she ever really like you like that?"

Zach shrugged. "Everyone says so."

"Does Olivia? Did she ever try to kiss you?"

"In the Sumners' basement."

Max laughed and shook his head. He could point out the obvious. She hadn't gotten drunk on watermelon martinis. As great as it felt to be her chosen one, it hurt like hell because she deserved so much more than he could ever give her.

As Max stood watching his brother say his vows, he tried to keep his eyes on Lilli ready to lunge if she fainted, but his eyes kept straying to Olivia. How could she look so beautiful the morning after a bender? She outshined the bride, but Max would never utter those words. Like a kamikaze pilot, he decided one dance wouldn't hurt. It was his brother's wedding, and they were cousins.

Before the dancing could start, they had to endure pictures outside by the marsh. When Zach and Lilli went for some beach shots, Max headed to the open bar. He sat with Oliver and Josh while he watched Livvy mingle with a glass of wine in her hand. At least her lips wouldn't taste lemony. He hated how that guy, a nobody, tasted them. No matter how much he wanted to, it wouldn't be right.

Finally after the meal, Lilli danced with her father. Then Max stood by his father for the traditional dance with the groom and his mother. He looked over at Olivia who wiped tears. Hopefully, his mother enjoyed it because she wouldn't be doing it again.

More tears fell as the bride and groom took the dance floor. His brother had his office romance after years of lusting for Lilli. Next Max had to dance with Lilli's best friend who was also kissing a guy in the pool.

"You aren't hungover?"

"On Lilli's big day? No way. A little hair of the dog and I was cured."

He didn't have a response and hoped the song ended soon as they smiled for the photographer. The dancing turned faster, and he mingled. He spent some time talking to Lilli's friends, a nurse practitioner and a pharmacist. When the tempo changed, they walked away to the dance floor.

Max looked at the couples dancing and felt lonely. A tap on the shoulder made him turn around.

"You look lost." Olivia wasn't smiling.

He smiled. "I was looking for you. We should dance."

"Are you sure your girlfriend won't mind?"

He reached for her hand and took her in his arms. "Liv, it's not like that. You know my career comes first. I have another year of my fellowship. I barely have time to breathe. She's there in my place." Often in my room.

As they moved across the dance floor, he wished he could give her everything she wanted. Just like Trish's marriage, they would fail. He loved Olivia too much to have her hate him. Maybe she would in the end but at least he wouldn't hate her. Selfish. Survival.

The scent of her filled his nose as he pulled her tighter. It would have to be enough to savor the moment as memories of the past came into focus. She was too good for him. A golden glow warming the pool. The night in his dorm room, then the unforgettable one on the third floor.

When Max returned after his week off, everyone asked about the wedding as he answered Trish looked sad. He never wanted to cause Olivia to look similarly. He would keep his distance and wait for her to marry a guy from New York. Olivia belonged in Manhattan.

Max had a spring in his step as they finished rounds the day after he returned. Trish was on a different rotation, and Max didn't care if the residents didn't like his jokes. The kids did and Dr. Haggerty continued to ignore them. He was scrubbing in on a complicated procedure to repair a number of congenital birth defects. It was the most complicated case he had been involved in. An entire team had assembled including the cardiothoracic team to repair a hole in the wall of the heart. He observed the whole procedure.

In his medical excitement, he didn't dwell on how a baby could be born with so many deformities. On the outside, the newborn looked fine, but inside multiple organs had formed wrong. Baby Elijah needed a prophet by his side for the surgery.

With his heart repaired and chest cavity closed, his team stepped forward. As the pediatric fellow, he took part while a few residents stood behind and observed. Usually, time stood still in the OR but time was the enemy for the tiny baby. If the defects weren't dire, they would never repair them all at once. It was a remarkable experience.

Finally he heard. "Dr. Steele, you can close."

His hands were steady even as the newborn's vitals were unstable. Tiny stitches in a tiny body which already had a row of sutures down the middle. They assigned Max to standby in post-op. He watched as the distraught parents hovered over the tiny intubated baby. The magnitude of what the tiny human had been through hit him in the gut.

After a long day, which included two other surgeries, he went up to the neonatal intensive care unit to check on Elijah. A fury of activity around the tiny baby gave him a sick feeling. He sat outside with his head in his hands for a long time. He looked up just as a doctor appeared. Like a slow-motion movie, he watched a mother collapse into grief. The agony on her face was imprinted in his brain.

Max left the hospital and stopped at a bar. One shot for Elijah. As the scotch burned down his throat, he pledged to never bring a child into the world. Watching Olivia make a life with another man was his pain in life, he didn't need more.

Some insight into Max's past ⭐️⭐️⭐️