• Due to Wattpad removing my book, "F*ck Me Sideways", I'm uploading each bonus chapter into their respective book. Enjoy •

Fuck David Copperfield. My girl just made three sandwiches go Amelia Earhart.

Staring at her licking her thumb distractedly while focusing on her laptop, I think my favorite pastime was becoming watching Smurf eat. Or just watching her. Yeah, just watching her seemed good. One could do it all day when she kept confusing my brain between sexy and cute as fucking hell in a blue hair dye.

Frowning, I slowly lifted the tablecloth and stuck my head under it. After a moment, I heard Smurf's voice clearing itself above the table, trying to catch my attention.

"Uh, Caleb? What are you doing...?"

"I'm trying to figure out where the fuck you put it." I said, sincerely wondering how she devoured three fucking sandwiches and didn't even as much as pop a button on those skinny shorts. I mean, they were ripped before she started eating, so where the fuck did she put it?

I heard her sigh, then felt a yank at my throat as someone pulled on my hoodie and dragged me out from under the table. Smurf was glaring at me and let go of my hoodie before sitting back down, returning to her laptop. "Would you stop doing that? We're in public."

True. We were at a coffee shop in L.A, catching some lunch while hacking some boring files on a few shady politicians. They were always fun to mess with when things started to get dull. "I just don't get how you can eat so much and never grow a handle. Do you vacuum pack your food or what?"

My question made her flatly lift her eyes. Smiling at this point seemed like a dumb idea, but what was a guy to do when his girlfriend looked like she was about to perform a public castration?

I smiled sheepishly and watched her roll her eyes, pulling her laptop closer. The angry pout that formed on her lips shouldn't have looked that adorable. But it really did. "Shut up, I can't helpit. Shit just doesn't stay on my body." She grumbled. "I wish it would, but it just doesn't, and I hate it, so could you stop reminding me?"

Whoa. Okay. Sensitive area. Proceed with caution, fuckwad.

I knew Smurf had always been skinny. Even before I met her, all of the pictures on her laptop dating years back showed she was born skinny, grew up skinny and adulted skinny. She was thin, shapeless, not much boob or butt, mostly taut skin and a few soft places with just enough meat to pinch. If it wasn't because I spent pretty much 24/7 clinging to her, I would've said she was unhealthy, eating too little or maybe hiding an eating disorder.

However, she had just munched down three chicken avocado sandwiches with extra pesto and spinach, and after discovering she hated vomiting, after one of my not-so-successful drinking binges, I knew she wasn't capable of any of that.

She loved food, but food just didn't love her. Or at least it had commitment issues with her body. Carbohydratedly challenged.

Still, at the end of the day, who needed all that extra junk anyway?

Not to shame the others, but some people just weren't meant to have all... that. I couldn't for the life of me picture a world where Smurf had big boobs. The thought actually made me slightly grimace. It just wouldn't suit her. She was flat-chested, petite, and a pair of huge knockers would just look completely wrong on her. I loved tits, but they just wouldn't go well on my Smurf.

She was pocket sized and I liked it.

Actually, I fucking loved it.

Scooting around the table with my chair, making a helluva lot of noise that made the entire coffee house turn and glare at me, I ignored them and placed myself right next to Smurf who once again looked up and gave me an annoyed brow. "What?"

"You know I love you, right? Like, a lot," I stated, as-a-matter-of-factly. I kinda needed her to know. Smurf wasn't insecure on the outside, but maybe she had a few small ones hiding on the inside. Small in the way small had to be small inside such a small person. Did I just say small four times in one sentence?

"Yes, I do, and I love you too, but do you mind giving me a little space?" She wiggled her elbow against my ribs when I had chosen to sit right up against her, as close as possible. Where else was I supposed to be? No, seriously.

"I just want you to know that you're beautiful," I said, taking the hand she was using to type with, causing her to roll her eyes and sigh. "Incredibly, amazingly so."

"I know that, now please, could you let me work?"She pulled her hand out of mine and tried to continue working.

But I really wasn't done yet.

"Smurf?"

"Yeees?" She was definitely annoyed with me now.

I smirked. "PDA alert."

"Wha—"

She didn't get more chance than that before I cupped her face in my hands and pressed my lips over hers. She made the cutest sound against my mouth, surprise knocking through her as I pulled her towards me, molding my lips roughly against hers, claiming them. Brushing my hand through her hair, she forgot to breathe, the cutie. Her lips parted, a soft moan escaping her.

In case you didn't know, my girl really loved getting her hair played with.

I pressed my tongue against hers, hearing her groan hoarsely as I kissed her mouth like I was fucking it, right there in the coffee house, adults and teens alike getting a lesson in how to be an awesome boyfriend like me. Watch and learn, peasants. I used slow, tantalizing movements and felt her tongue piercing glide across my own tongue, that sexy little stud driving me nuts. I grabbed her neck and ran my hand up, grasping those neck hairs. She shuddered against me. I think I just heard her pussy scream.

Pulling back, she tried to catch her breath, licking her lips, eyes still dizzily closed. I watched the dazed expression on her face, smiling goofily as I brushed her flushed cheek.

Here was the thing about Smurf; even though she knew she was a gorgeous little thing that God spent many hours detailing, she still sometimes needed to hear it from another source.

- And whom better to do it than the whipped piece of shit that spent most of his days (and maybe some of his nights too) staring at her?

"You're beautiful, Smurf," She goddamn hated when I got sappy, but it was the sappy things that still always stuck in our heads in the end, wasn't it. "You don't need anything to have everything; I love all of your nothing."

Smurf exhaled and opened her eyes. Looking at me with those brown orbs I could swim in like a chocolate-themed dream, she huffed and pulled back. "Goddamn it, I hate when you do that."

"Do what?" I watched as she turned back to her laptop, trying to pick up where she left off. "Love you..?"

"Yes." She grumbled, pouting at her screen. I felt a smirk coming on. "Stop doing that. It's annoying."

Oh, Smurf. You have no idea how annoying I can get.

~~~

The next morning we were at our place, Smurf showering, me working on my laptop. Ever since we got Eli out and worked up that contract... things had been quiet. Too quiet. It was making my back itch, and not in the a-mosquito-just-raped-me-with-its-sucker-and-peed-on-me-afterwards-because-it's-a-kinky-motherfucker kind. No, this was different.

Something told me you didn't just fuck over the government and got away with it. They were up to something, which meant I should be up to something too... maybe it was worth checking up on some overseas protection services... just as a precaution...

The shower water stopped, and a few minutes later, the door opened. I blinked and looked up from my screen, seeing Smurf's ass pass me by in nothing but a cotton pair of panties. Well, damn. "Was that my butt that just walked past me?"

"Yup." She popped the P over her shoulder, heading for the wardrobe.

"... Can it come back again?"

"Nope."

"Can I crawl up inside it then?"

"Not now, not ever."

My Smurf didn't allow anal. A silent moment to honor the fallen.

"How about just the tip?" I prayed she wouldn't smack my balls in my sleep for asking that. She was strangely territorial about her butt.

I heard a scoff come from the wardrobe. "I'll tell you this; if you'll consider getting a dick stuffed up your ass, I'll do the same. If my ass is getting wrecked, so's yours. Fair's only fair."

My face instantly grimaced at the thought. Nothing was going up my ass. Except for a juvenile attempt that nearly made me twist my own dick, I wasn't going to attempt to put anything up there... again.

I shook the memory out of my head. "That's not fair, Smurf. You know I'd go easy and slow on you."

I heard her snort now. "It's not the pace I'm concerned about, it's the size. The only thing bigger than your brain is your dick, so I'm not about to try and squeeze it inside my ass."

"Doesn't matter now. My ego just had an orgasm."

"Oh shut up, or the next time I'm giving you a blow I'll bite."

"Woman, don't even think about it."

I shielded my junk when she came out of the wardrobe fully dressed in black, her blue hair and pale skin the only contrast. She smirked at me when she saw me protectively place my hands over my crotch and narrow my eyes at her. "That sure shut you up." She noted.

"You never joke about biting a dick. That's like, the eleventh commandment."

"Thou shall not bite dick?"

"Amen."

Smurf rolled her eyes at me, but then grabbed her leather jacket and stuck her feet into her black Converse sneakers. "You're so childish. Why am I still dating you?"

"Because I got access to your nude pics on your laptop?"

"That must be it."

"Where are you going?" I asked as she picked up her bag from the floor, taking her laptop from the table and slipping it into the bag. "Another funeral?"

"I'm meeting up with Mia for lunch, she needs help making some fliers for her new upcoming street project."

"Alright," I said, but immediately frowned when she headed for the door without another word. "Hey! Where's my kiss?"

Rolling her eyes, I still saw a little smile creep onto her lips as she made her way back to me, quickly leaning down towards my lips. "See you later."

She pressed her lips to mine and that was the moment I took the liberty to cradle the back of her head and bury my hand in her short blue hair, meshing her mouth against mine. A surprised squeak came from her, but then she let out a soft mewl when I parted my lips and brushed my tongue against hers, feeling that little silver ball in the middle of hers. God, my girl was sexy.

After a heated kiss, we slowly pulled apart. My smurf looked more red than blue now. Her cheeks were flushed and her lips were pink, and I'm pretty sure if I were to look at her lower lips, they would look the same.

"Remember to miss me," I grinned against her lips, flicking my tongue out to nudge one of her lip piercings.

She swallowed a little, but then sucked in a breath. "Okay."

"And when you get back, I'm gonna fuck you for half a century, just FYI."

If I wasn't mistaken, I saw her legs clench ever so slightly. "Okay," She just said again. "Uhm... see you later then."

"See you." I held back a chuckle as she stood up again, quickly scurrying towards the door. She looked flustered and so damn cute.

Man, I truly hoped Mia didn't plan a long lunch.

~~~

"Caleb," Smurf moaned and writhed against my stomach as I held her pressed up against me, my lips skating her across her shoulder, neck and back.

It had been a long lunch, and I had been going through some serious Smurf withdrawals, and you guessed it - I needed my fix. My hand roamed down between her legs, tracing over her piercing to her swollen clit. Hello, kink. I circled them both, hearing her moan sharply as I then thrust firmly into her from behind.

Her back arched and her hands curled in the sheets, frantic pants coming from her lips as I sunk in. Christ, that was tight. Food wasn't the only thing she vacuum packed. The air wheezed out of her as I began rubbing her clit the same time I pushed myself deeper, a groan spilling from my lips when her pussy enveloped me.

I felt her squeeze me, then let out a shaky breath. "Oh, fuck... C-Caleb..."

"Good?" I murmured against her skin, feeling her clit throb against my fingers. She let out a small hiccup and then nodded, clenching around me with her inner muscles. A singe of pleasure swerved through me. "Christ, Zoe." That's how to fucking father a child if not careful.

I thrust into her hard and felt as she rippled around me, her inner walls so tight and perfect. A moan fell from my throat and came out against her neck, my teeth biting into her before my mouth closed around the patch of skin and sucked. Hard.

That would be hickey number six.

- I was making a smiley face.

Rolling over on my back, I pulled Smurf on top of me and wrapped my arms around her like rope so she laid face up against me. She gasped loudly when I thrust upwards roughly, striking something deep inside her with no holdback. Her belly grew taut and her chest arched up, her hands reaching up for the headboard behind me.

"Fuck! Caleb!" She cried, just as I felt her clamp hard around me. Fuckkk. With a whine, her whole body began twitching in my arms, her muscles spasming, her lungs snapping for air. "Oh, God! Caleb...!"

There she went. She sobbed my name and writhed and couldn't lie still as I continued to pound inside her rapidly, prolonging her death-squeezing orgasm. I grunted when she gripped me and then brought my hand to one of her small breasts that laid flat against her chest. If it wasn't for the nipple, it would've been MIA in all this. I cupped it with a small smirk while she rode out her high, my palm squeezing the soft flesh. Her nipple piercing glinted invitingly at me and I couldn't stop myself from pinching it, hearing her hiss of both pleasure and pain as I did.

I don't know who enjoyed all of her piercings more to be honest. She'd opened me up to a kink I didn't even knew I had, that was for sure, but I wasn't complaining one bit. Not. One. Bit.

"Zoe..." I breathed as I kept pumping into her. I was starting to get close myself, but I wasn't quite there yet. My libido was reaching new heights with her and it was slightly becoming her doom if she wanted me to finish before her own ran out.

But wordlessly, Smurf suddenly got up and flipped around, placing a knee on either side of my hips. I then watched her tiny self straddle me; watched her taut stomach and slightly protruding ribs expand as she inhaled at the sight of me. Yeah, Smurf. That's all yours. She better believe it.

My hands slowly slid up her waist, admiring all her smooth skin. God, how could something so small contain so much fucking sexy... save me, Jesus.

As if reading my mind, Smurf reached down and grabbed my sheathed length and brought it her cūnt again. A groan spilled from my lips as she let herself slide along me, rubbing my tip against the lips of her labia. Christ, she was gonna make me propose if she kept doing that.

Bringing my tip to her entrance, Smurf then slowly sunk down on me. Fuck, yes, yes, yeeees... a strained groan ripped from me and I watched as she scrunched her face up beautifully, her teeth sinking into her bottom lip as she slid me inside her tight little pussy, stretching herself on my dick. Gooooooddamn.

I'd seen her do it a million times, but every time I nearly bust a nut watching how that tiny little slit expanded and took so much girth inside it. It was a fucking miracle. She was so goddamn tiny, but she sat down on my dick like it was her throne and she was more than happy to stay there.

"Christ, Zoe," My fucking legs were shaking. I looked up at her as she buried my length between her legs and moaned softly, playing with herself. Holy shit, she was playing with herself. Her fingers were rubbing against her engorged clit, rubbing in circles and stimulating that little plaything while her pussy got used to me. I watched in amazement how her pussylips stayed wrapped tautly around my shaft as she lifted herself up, revealing my dick glistening in her silky creaminess. Fuck. Me. Up.

"Jesus, Zoe, you're gonna kill me," I drew a hand through my hair painfully when she suddenly leaned over forward and caught my left nipple in her mouth with a cute smirk. Okay, so she was actually trying to kill me. I watched with a hoarse groan as she sucked on my nipple gently, tugging on it with her teeth while her eyes lifted and gave me a vixen grin. Well, there went my sanity. "Fuck."

My pelvis tensed and my hands found her ass, digging my fingertips into her nonexistent buttocks as her hips started rolling. I could feel her inner walls gliding along my shaft, rubbing it, clenching it—oh, fuck me. I let out a ragged exhale and gritted my teeth when she swirled her hips, giving my dick a tour of her pussy. Children, that's how you snatch a soul.

Her hips begun moving faster. I watched through hooded eyelids her tits moving up and down, her face twisting in pleasure as she rode me. Yeah, Smurf. Get it. Follow me there. Her hands were firmly placed on my chest, her nails digging into my pecs; The small twinge of pain made me groan and I automatically squeezed her butt, making her move faster.

She cried out when I abruptly started meeting her thrusts. Fuck me, I couldn't stop. I could tell she was going to come just as hard as me - both of us were panting, our chests were gleaming with sweat and our bodies were wound tautly with our impending climaxes. I watched Smurf's eyes, smoky with pleasure, staring down at me, her bottom lip skewered between her teeth in arousal. Those piercings were driving me batshit, fucking Christ she was sexy, send help.

"Zoe..." I couldn't resist reaching up and pinching her nipple again when it glinted at me, pulling at the little stud until my little lady threw her head back and cried out. You better believe she loved when I got up and personal with her piercings.

"Caleb!" She screamed as I plummeted harder into her, gripping onto her ass, leveling her with each deep thrust as my climax starting boiling in my balls. Fuck, I was gonna blow any second. Couldn't... hold... back... "Oh, God! CALEB!"

"Fuck! Zoe!" I felt the adrenaline shoot up my back, felt my spine stiffening and my balls tightening painfully. My arms snapped, and with a harsh yank, I pulled her down on top of me and locked her against me. Right here, Smurf. Need you right here.

The next moment, I let go. My body stiffened, and a harsh but painful grunt came from my lips as I stilled inside her, burying my face in her neck. Blast off. Feeling her walls shutdown around me as well, I began unloading inside the condom. Fuuuuuck me. Smurf was crying against my neck, caught in her orgasm as well. I could feel her pussy contracting and loosening around me; gripping me and letting me go with rhythmic motions, helping me get the final spurts of my release out. If that wasn't couple's goals, what was?

"Fuck..." My then arms finally released their death grip on her and fell to my sides. I think I saw Jesus there for a moment. Deflating against the bed, I listened to Smurf's breaths even out like my own, her body easing up and relaxing agains tme. I was still hard inside her, but felt myself slowly soften as the last rush passed through me. "Damn... Smurf?"

I shifted and looked down, trying to catch her eyes to check if she was okay - what I found instead was my comatose girlfriend sleeping on my stomach.

... Well then.

A stupid, and I'll admit cocky smirk stretched on my lips. I sexed her to sleep? I sexed her to sleep. Mental dick-five. I heard her steady breaths come in and out of her mouth like a prize, sleeping completely spent and used on top of me.

Sweet heavens, that was adorable.

I gently kissed the top of her head and then awkwardly, without waking her up, shifted under her. I managed to pull the condom off and tie it in a knot above her, before awkwardly placing it on the nightstand when I couldn't very well reach the trashcan. I would just have to bleach the nightstand later then.

Sighing, I then wrapped my arms around my girl who still slept soundly on top of me, her blue hair a bird's nest. I smiled like a dick, but then closed my eyes as well, settling contently against my pillows while holding the best girlfriend in the world in my arms.

- I'd never been so damn happy that someone sent a cyber bug after my laptop.

• • •

Moral of the story; Hack people.

Lmao. Just kidding, Big Brother.