• Present Date •
(Finally)

| January |

24 was a really young age to retire.

And yet, as I woke up now for the third month in a row since the incident, that was exactly what I was. Retired.

Scratching my stomach and yawning, I winced a little as I moved my feet under the sheets, feeling my bad leg act up after eight hours of being horizontal. One of these days, I was going to be able to predict rain.

Sitting up and swinging my legs out over the edge of the bed, I instantly noted music blasting from the kitchen, which could only mean one thing; My girls were awake.

Smiling to myself, I slowly stood up and winced again as I begun limping towards the kitchen, now smelling the pancakes in the air, too. Please, dear God, let them be chocolate chipped.

"Hey, anyone here wanna call dibs on my morning hug?" I called into the kitchen the second I rounded the corner. As expected, I found Smurf and Elana by the stove, Smurf jerking around the minute my voice broke through the heavy metal music.

"Morning!" She smiled tiredly, causing Elana to turn as well when she did. Immediately, Elana raced around the kitchen island and towards me in her Princess Jasmin pajama that she had gotten for Christmas last month. She ran straight into my open arms as I crouched down and enveloped her. Morning hug, secured.

Good morning, beautiful, I quickly signed to her with a big grin before she pulled me into her tiny arms. I lifted her up off the floor with some difficulty, then kissed her cheek before limping towards my other little lady.

"You really shouldn't be carrying her yet," Smurf observed concernedly, watching me wince slightly as I set Elana down again.

"Hey, even if I should wake up dead tomorrow, you bet I'll want to be buried with her in my arms."

"Right," Smurf sarcastically mused and turned back to watch the pan, just as I leaned down and pecked her cheek as well.

"Good morning," I whispered, wrapping my arms around her. She leaned into my embrace while working the spatula under the fat pancake, which, absolutely, was chocolate chip-pregnant.

"Good morning," She mumbled back. She wasn't in her full face of beaten black makeup yet, but still bare-faced with just her piercings to adorn her face. Her blue tuft of hair was combed, but not styled, giving me the impression Elana had woken her up before she had the chance herself. Obviously the chocolate chip situation had been of the urgent kind, or so my sister had deemed, given it was only a quarter past eight.

"What time does Elana's tutor get here today?" I asked, just as she flipped a pancake before patting it.

"She should be here around nine," Smurf replied, watching me as I now limped towards the sink to pour myself some water. I nodded absentmindedly while filling a glass, sensing Smurf keeping her eyes on me.

"... Did you have another nightmare again?" She then hesitantly voiced.

I closed my eyes and lifted the glass of water to my lips, ignoring the restricting sensation in my chest as I slowly drank.

Nightmares. That was the burden, other than my leg, that had plagued me ever since... it had happened. Smurf had wanted me to see a shrink, but what could she tell me that I didn't already know? I was suffering from a nightmarish post traumatic stress that left me waking up abruptly during the nights, covered in sweat and fighting an anxiety attack.

It was that exact same reason Smurf was up before me today and many other days before like it. I didn't sleep so well, and not a blunt, sex or holding on to my two girls had been able to help that fact.

"I'm fine," I replied, knowing she knew I was lying. But what was I supposed to say? That yet again, I had dreamt of the way they pelted me and sliced me open like a butcher back in that abandoned parking lot, like my life had been of no consequence to them, as if my pleas of mercy had been mute to them, as if—

As if everything I loved in life hadn't almost been ripped away from me, just to get some stupid answers.

I could sense Smurf still staring at me as I finished my water and put it in the sink, before turning around and limping towards my sister. I knew she worried, but the truth was, I was handling it. I was fine, we were safe, and I was retired from it all. We were out of the game.

"I'm gonna get Elana ready for school," I stated, going over to Elana and letting her know to come along to get dressed. "Call us when breakfast is ready to be absolutely devoured by two animalistic beasts. Isn't that right?" I quickly signed to Elana who nodded and grinned.

"Okay," Smurf answered, but I could hear her tone of voice was off.

I went to the bathroom with Elana and made sure she brushed her teeth and put on all her clothes, before helping her comb and braid her hair that was getting a little too long. She needed a cut soon, but I just couldn't get myself to touch any of those perfectly shaped ringlets. Mom had had curls just like her. Every morning I woke up, she looked more and more like her.

All done, I signed to her in the mirror while she played with her dolls. I checked her hair one last time, before pecking the top of her head. Let's go eat some breakfast before your tutor arrives.

It was a few a months ago, after everything had begun to settle down between me and Smurf, I had decided to find Elana a teacher that could teach someone with her... disabilities. I had always disliked that word, because my princess was as normal as the next girl, but her inability to hear and speak made it impossible for her to attend just any school, not to mention I didn't trust the public school system. I knew what kind of bullying awaited her there, so with some help from Smurf and after a call to the big boss, we had found a sympathetic, qualified lady who agreed to help teach Elana four times a week.

Walking out into the kitchen, we came back to a fully stocked breakfast table and a Smurf pouring three glasses of orange juice. We both grinned and rushed towards the table, taking a seat each as the smell of pancakes wafted over us.

"Dear Lord, thank you for this glorious meal," I stated, looking at Smurf who rolled her eyes with a smile. "And thank you for this beautiful Smurf and for this precious family we've got and the roof over our head. Amen."

"Amen," Smurf echoed, before helping Elana dig into her pancakes.

"So, after rehab, I was thinking about going to the store to get the paint for Elana's room," I started, just as we all got our pancakes. I doused mine in whipped cream and added a smiley to Elana's as well.

"She finally settled on a color?" Smurf asked, curiously.

"Yep, we are going for purple. I asked her thrice to make sure."

"Alright then. Well other than a few things on my laptop, I'm free to help set things up," Smurf volunteered.

"We are so fucking domestic, all we need is a dog," I grinned, before suddenly wiping the grin off my lips. Smurf immediately gave me a warning glare when she saw the idea form in my eyes.

"No. We talked about this already, Caleb. We are not taking on a pet before we're absolutely sure things are good with your leg and..."

"It's cleared and done," I objected, fighting a grit of my teeth when she purposely left the sentence hanging. "I'm retired, and that's that."

Smurf sighed, but didn't comment any further. Instead, we all turned back to our cozy breakfast morning, to enjoy the peace we had finally found.

Everything was finally as it should be and nothing was going to change that ever again.

~~~

"Smurf?" I called into the apartment as I came home from rehab. Other than my limp, my leg was almost back to its original state. They weren't sure the limp would ever go away, but as far as feeling went, it was slowly coming back. I still couldn't feel anything below my knee, but the nerves that ran up my thigh were starting to come back. Training up new neuro-pathways took time. "Are you home?"

"In the bedroom!" I heard her call back.

Smiling, I threw off my jacket and winced a bit as I walked towards the bedroom, hearing her shuffle around in there. "Where's Elana? Did Alice take her to the park aga—"

I stopped dead in my sentence as my eyes found Smurf.

Standing in a corner, stiff as a stick, she didn't move as the two men in front of her held one gun pointed at her and the other pointed towards me, the second I crossed the threshold. My mouth ran dry and panic drove up my spine as I heard a gun cock, seeing Smurf gulp.

"You didn't think we wouldn't find you again?" The guy pointing the gun at me spoke in a thick Russian accent. His face started to blur before my eyes as he slowly came towards me. "An eye for an eye. You killed my men; Now you get to watch us kill your girlfriend."

"NO!" I shouted, and before I could register what was happening, I heard a deafening bang—

I shot up in my bed, panting and grasping at thin air, only to realize I was in my bedroom, alone.

No gunmen. No danger. No death.

"Fuck." I closed my eyes and cupped my face, feeling the shakes come over me.

No. No, no, no, it wasn't real. We were safe. I was safe. Smurf was safe. Elana was safe. We were all safe and nobody was going to hurt any of us ever again.

So then how come I couldn't shake the feeling that this wasn't over?

Every day I woke up, it felt like reality was coming closer, and I couldn't—couldn't force it away, even if I tried. My nightmares and reality were blurring together, and my mind couldn't cope much longer. I couldn't cope much longer.

They were still out there, still a threat to us, and one day, our luck would run out.

– But I was just so fucking scared to go back.

Shaking and squeezing my eyes shut to suppress the tears inside them, I tried to breathe calmly, but it still came out trembling.

"Caleb?" A quiet voice then suddenly spoke from my side.

I lifted my face out of my palm and turned to find Zoe standing in the doorway, watching me. For real, this time. She had that look on her face... the one that told me she had been there for some time.

"I'm fine," I told her, quickly wiping my eyes down and turning away. We were all fine. For now.

"No you're not," She pressed on, coming inside and sitting down beside me on the bed. "You're not okay, Caleb."

"Yes, I am," I insisted, taking a couple of deep breaths. "They're just nightmares. They'll pass in time."

"The nightmares might pass, but this won't," Smurf pressed her hand over my rapidly beating heart that was still racing with anxiety and panic from my dream. "You are scared, and that's okay, but for fuck's sake, don't tell me you're okay anymore, because you're not!" She suddenly shouted. She had finally snapped, and therefore I did, too.

"Well, what do you want me to say?!" I shouted back and shoved the covers away from me when they were suffocating me. "What do you want to hear, Zoe? That I feel constant fear about them coming back and finding us somehow? That every day I wake up and expect one of us to get kidnapped or killed, or that any fucking day, I'm going to wake up and you're not here anymore because this bullshit won't ever stop haunting us and I dragged you into this mess—"

A pair of lips sealed themselves over mine and shut me up. They were brutal, and the metal studs poking out from them almost felt punishing as Smurf kissed me roughly and put me into a mute state of bafflement, before slowly pulling away and gripping my chin.

"First of all, I'm not going anywhere, you dumbass," She panted lightly, but with a harsh voice. "Second of all, I chose to get involved in all of this myself, and I have no regrets, so that's not on you. And lastly, why haven't you talked to me about any of this? You know I'm scared too, Caleb, but we need to be able to talk to each other about these things. Like adults, or whatever."

"I wanted to, I just... I didn't want to worry you," I whispered and let the confession fall from my lips. "I thought if I could just be the one to carry this fear..." Then they wouldn't feel it, too.

"For a guy so smart, you can be so stupid," Smurf quietly murmured against my lips, before running her hand through my hair. She sighed heavily and then swung her leg over my body, straddling me perfectly. "Listen here, Caleb. We are only going to survive if we stay honest with each other. I have nightmares too, you know," She confessed, swallowing with difficulty. "They might not be what you see, but I'm scared that things are going to come back and haunt us as well. But you know what doesn't work with fear? Hiding from it. Pretending it isn't there."

I pressed my lips together and let my head fall into the crook of her neck. She kept brushing my hair, just as my hands slowly circled around her waist and pulled her closer. I sensed her body ease against mine, the tension between us that had been brewing for months slowly dissolving as she crushed through my façade.

"So what do you want me to do?" I murmured, closing my eyes and feeling the anxiety drift from my chest like a leaky balloon with every gentle stroke from Smurf's hands.

"First, I want you to speak to me about how you're feeling," She whispered softly in my ear. "And then I want you to stop pretending that retiring from this is the solution. The only way to keep this fear from consuming you is to know what the fuck is going on out there. To be a part of it, to help fight the ones trying to hurt us."

I squeezed my eyes shut and unintentionally squeezed her tighter as well. I felt her hands pause and hug me back, her lips kissing the side of my head.

She was right. As always, she was the smarter half of my overly large head and told me what I already deep down knew to be true, but had refused to admit. What I had been too frightened to do.

The thing was, I was scared out of my mind. I had never done this before, any of this. This was way bigger than any of us had anticipated, and I wasn't sure I could handle the pressure.

But Smurf was right; if anyone could put a stopper to all of this, it was us. All of us, working together. Hiding behind my hands, peaking out between my fingers and hoping this would go away on its own wasn't a solution. To end my fears, I had to face them. I had to demolish the reasons for them being there.

Starting by doing the one thing I had been pushing off for months.

"I'll get back into this on one condition," I murmured, pulling back to meet Smurf's eyes.

"What?" She softly said.

"That you marry me."

Smurf's mouth fell open, just as her eyes grew to saucers. Not a word escaped her though, which gave me permission to continue.

"I don't care when, how or where we marry, if it's on the earth or on the moon, just that I get to call you my wifey everyday till the day I log off permanently. What do you say?" I proposed, looking hopefully up at her.

Smurf's eyes remained wide and her mouth unspeaking. She clearly hadn't expected this to be the next thing to come out of my mouth, and to be fair, I hadn't either, but here we were. It had to be said, and I had to hear her answer.

It was funny, actually. Minutes ago I had been panicking about an incredibly scary and very rational fear, and now here I was, silently panicking about another fear that suddenly seemed so much more... real.

What if she didn't want to marry me?

"Jesus Christ," Smurf finally whispered, before swallowing dryly. She slowly cupped my face, rubbing my cheek with her thumb. Then, she suddenly yanked my ear harshly, making me wince but blink in confusion. "That took you forever, you stupid idiot!"

Completely befuddled, I stared for a moment, but then saw her lips slowly widen into a little playful smirk. "Wait... what?"

"Excuse me, but do you think I do wife shit for just anyone?" She exclaimed and threw her tiny arms out. "I've been doing the laundry and cooking breakfast like it's the fucking 1950's here! You think I'd be showing you my wifey skills if it wasn't because I wanted you to pop the question? Men, unbelievable!"

"But..." I blinked again, completely bamboozled. Hold the fuck up. "But I—I was going to ask, months ago! Matter of fact, I was planning how to ask you when those fuckers attacked me!" I started rambling, furrowing my brows when all she did was glare flatly at me. "I meant to do it sooner, but then I had rehab and then I just—you know what, fuck it," I cut myself off. I quickly pulled her to my chest and cupped her face. "You're my wifey now. It's settled."

"Finally," Smurf grinned, swiftly flicking my forehead. "But by the way, just because I've been showcasing my wifey skills doesn't mean I don't expect you to not cook and clean as well. Actually, I'm going to insist that you do."

"Oh, baby, I'm going to OCD all over the fucking apartment," I vowed in a sultry voice, lifting my brow. "You have no idea. I'm going to wipe my feet off on the welcome mat..."

"Yes, you are." She huffed.

"I'm gonna flip the toilet seat down every time I take a piss and replace the toilet paper roll when it's finished..."

"God, yes," Smurf bit her lip and moved closer, grinning under her breath. "What else?"

"Just wait, this is the killer," I whispered, turning to her ear to whisper my hubby vows to her; "I'm gonna pick up my dirty clothes from the floor and use the air freshener after I take a huge, stinky shit."

"God, I'm so horny," Smurf threw her head back with laughter. I couldn't help but laugh back, but then softly captured her lips when I couldn't resist them any longer. I kissed her deeply and felt her kiss me back, sighing happily against my mouth.

Holy shit, I did that; I just bagged me a real one.

Life was funny sometimes. One moment you could be having a panic attack, the next minute you could be engaged to a Smurf with the same lame humor as you. God sure had a way of remedying a bad situation.

"So, we're getting married," Smurf finally pulled away, humming thoughtfully. "What do you think the chances are we could get Eli to show up in a tuxedo?"

"Zero to none," I firmly stated. I couldn't believer that fucker was going to be my best man. "Unless Mia somehow convinces him."

"I'm sure she can. Hey, so uhm, I was thinking, since Elana is napping, we could—"

I rolled us over on the bed, capturing Smurf beneath me with a yelp. "Already ahead of you. You've been sitting on it for the past five minutes."

"I know, that's why I figured we should have engagement sex," Smurf argued, very reasonably I might add. "Unless your leg hurts too much," She quickly added when I shifted my weight onto my other knee with a wince.

"Fuck it, let's just cut it off," I cursed, leaning down to capture her lips once again. Smurf squealed, but didn't object.

"And then once we're done here, you're going to call him," Smurf interjected before I got too carried away. She sent me a sharp look, to which I conceded.

"Fine," I agreed, blowing out a breath. "In that case, I'm gonna need some head."

"Alright fine, scoot over then—"

"No," I clarified, already trailing my hand up under her tight little faux leather skirt. "I need head."

"Oh," A tint of a blush spread on her cheeks. But then, her legs slowly parted like fucking sesaam. "Have at it then."

And if that wasn't an open invitation, I didn't know what was.

• • •

Hopefully not their wedding invitation, though.