31/03/2024

- My English is not that good, im so sorry if someone ever read this and was bothered by my bad choice of words and broken Grammar.

     Im not sure if im gonna make it to another month. I feel like i would even be grateful it if i got hit by a truck while i was driving now.

     Everyday feels so blurry now. It's not empty, but i always have this feelings that nothing in myself was worth to anything or anyone. I'm not making anyone feel good or making myself happy anymore. Drawing doesnt feel that much fun for me these days.

  We call this "burnout" right? If it was then it'd be so scary. I feel like i could just slit my wrist and die in the bathroom anytime, no one would ever catch me red handed.

My brother would be less stressed if i died, maybe he would have to pay for my funeral, which i was very guilty when i thought about it, but at least he doesnt have to worry about my life anymore.

I dont remember all of my childhood memories so i dont even know if i have the rights to judge my parents or not.

   I remembered they took me to the park, went out for family vacations many times. I remebered i was very happy. Of course i would be, i was a little kid, i would be happy when they got me the presents i wanted and did everything that pleased my needs. I was spoiled, but it wasnt my fault.

  There was something about adults that would never not be funny to me. They just want to work and make money and pay rents and they need you to stop bothering them so they gives you something that is very easy to get addicted to, a phone, maybe, or an ipad. And when you did got addicted to it, they scolded you for being too into it.

   My parents used to hire a caretaker for me and my middle brother. There was a time i stuck to her too much that i cried and threw tantrums whenever my mom came back and that caretaker had to leave. The thing is, i didnt think my parents even spent time teaching us any manners or something like that and when i was scolded for doing something wrong i just be a brat and hated them back.

   What am i even rambling about now. I dont want to say directly that i want to die or something. But i was thinking about making a list of everything i want to do before i disappear out of this world. I just thought of a few things:

+ Smoking and then crying and laughing as much as i want to.

+ Maybe i would buy alcohols again. My old best friend used to sneakily drank a beer with me, i admitted that it wasnt a right thing nor a fun thing to do. But it didnt feel that bad.

  Oh. I dont know what to say anymore. Guess i'll just go to sleep early, aw wait but i cant, i drank coffee ealier. I was going to a cafe and i tried their salted milk coffee, it was kinda good, i would give it a 8/10. It costed me 35k tho i felt kinda guilty for buying it now. Whatever.