After that day everything that I ever loved began to slowly make me hate my life. I quit my modelling job. I was so terrified to go out in public. I didn't want to be seen after my miscarriage. I decided to dye my hair back to black.  I slowly began to stop taking care of myself . I haven't showered in a week. I'm just too depressed to get off the couch or even get out of bed.

So here I sit on the couch. It's like five in the morning. Everyone else is asleep . I'm wearing a long black hoodie. For some reason wearing black hoodies help me cool off more . It makes me feel invisible.

Tears form in my eyes as I can't stop thinking about Arthur . I have been avoiding him personally since my miscarriage. He understands what I'm going through. I've been sharing a bed with becks bc I can't be one at night.

The other night Arthur left me alone in the spare room. The next morning he found me with deep cuts in my wrist. Something about the pain when I cut my wrist....
It made me feel the same pain my unborn child felt when she died in my womb.
Arthur had a talk with the rest of the gangsters about my suicidal thoughts and cutting self harm situation. So all the others do is watch me like a hawk.
I'm not alone in the living room. Mat is supposed to be keeping a eye on me. But he fell asleep on the reclining chair.

We were all tired and stressed. Arthur has upgraded security again. So the mansion gates are always closed before seven am. Plus no one will let me outside . I can't even go outside to relax in the lawn without Arthur dragging me back in the house.

Standing to my feet I pull down my shorts a bit. Tucking my hair back into my hoodie I head into the kitchen. I begin to search through the fridge for something that can conquer my depression.

Broccoli

Cheese

Nope.

Suddenly I'm not hungry.

I slam the fridge shut tight and head to the screen room. It's the activity room technically. Every Fridays we have family game night. But recently we haven't been in the activity room. We're all  slowly losing one another .

I haven't spoken to anyone. There's no use. My words of opinion don't matter around here anyway.

" Mari: you should be resting-"

I ignore Arthur's voice as I grab the nerf gun that deangeline used to play with. Everything that belonged to dean josh and Jake have been either packed or stored in the activity room. As if they were just random people: a fragment in time.

Arthur tries to hug be as I scream in fear.  Pushing him away I try to unlock the back door. But he grabs my wrists.

" Mari stop your not leaving!"
He yells at me . I flail and kick anxious at Arthur for always controlling me.

" Let go!"
I screamed so loud.
But Arthur tightened his grip. He picks me up and forces me to sit on the pool table. Angirly I look away avoiding eye contact. Arthur let's go of me as he caresses my cheek. His expression turns from cold and intimidating to soft and tender.

" Mari please look at me: tell me you still love me. That we can mend our relationship."
He begs me.
But I'm silent as I don't answer. I don't want to mend our relationship. It don't want there to be a "us". I was stupid for falling in love with a gangster.
Arthur pulls away finally getting the hint that there's no way to mend what has broken. It's all over.

Then Arthur heads back inside. Slamming the screen door shut behind him. I can hear Arthur banging. Most likely breaking things. Something he does when he's stressed and angry.

But I'm the only one who should be angry around here.
My blood is boiling.
Why is it that no one cares about my feelings! No one cares how I feel!
I'm the one who had a miscarriage not Arthur .
I'm so mad I'm so angry I could just-

Grabbing the pool table ball I chuck it at the glass window. The window shatters Instantly. It was a bad idea.
The glass window breaks" shatters of glass cutting my skin and face. I just stand there: dazed. The security alarm going off.

Finally Arthur and beck's walk into the activity room. I'm still standing there silently. But the look on my face said it all. I was going to have a meltdown again.
For the first time in what felt like a long time I begin to sob. Crying aloud as I slowly fell to my knees. I didn't want any of this to happen. I never wanted to be a flaw or disappointment: I just wanted to be loved.

Becks and Arthur slowly approach my side. They both wrap there arms around me. There warmth causing me to sob worse. In less then a hour I had sobbed myself to sleep.
Just hoping things could get better.

Just hoping that Arthur wouldn't hate my guts.