today was really an awesome day. i hung out with a close bud of mine, binge watched Young Justice, and overall things were cool.

Until now.

So i'm sitting on the couch watching Young justice wondering when i'd have my sanity back after the multiple 'wtf' moments that happened and messed with my emotions. when my sister randomly says

"by the way, mom talked about you in the car to me when you weren't there."

and that caught my attention. i was surprised, because (to my knowledge) my mother rarely talks about me to my siblings in a negative way. but maybe i thought it was for a good reason, but life being a bitch it wasn't.

supposedly, my mom told my sister to

and i quote

"stop being influenced by me with all my 'shipping' and 'anime' bullshit"

according to my mom, the things i like are cancerous and will lead my sister "to an unhealthy future"

well, my first thought was oH MOMS WILL BE MOMS. then, it hit me. in her eyes, what i liked was a bad influence on my siblings.

based on what my sister told me, my mom thinks 'shipping' is something mental pedophiles do. and only the

excuse my language, "retarded" do it. which really, really pissed me off.

to begin with, im not even what people call a hardcore shipper???? just sometimes, i'll talk about a coolio ship we both like in the car and honestly, that's about it. i'm not like those people who have body pillows of their ships having sex. which people buy. ew.

and i really didn't like how she used that word. grr.

anyway

i guess it just kinda made me feel like crap? i don't know. my sister and i have actually come to like one another because of those things. before we both started watching anime, we were honestly distant. i barely talked to her and she barely talked to me.

one day, i kinda recommended some animes for her and boom. we had something in common and boy did we grow close. we played video games, watched shows, ranted about ships we liked and disliked, and each corny television scene gave us a god damn bond. we hung out outside, actually regarded each other's existences and we grew up as a pair of nerds.

and my mother wants her to stop hanging out with me for those reasons. which ugh, makes me feel like shit. i feel like i'm doing something wrong, when all this time i've been having so much fun with her. and she has been too!

according to my sister, my mom made salty comments about everything about me. my 'strange' drawings. my favorite shows. my favorite things. songs, artists, clothing style, and my..

'non-normal' phase.

god. it hurt like a bitch. i don't want to disappoint her, and i'm tired of never being good enough for everyone.

i don't want to draw anymore. i don't want to hang out with her, knowing i'm an absolute trash sibling in my mom's eyes.

maybe it'd be best to change myself. because it'll be better to be how others want me to be, since i'll never damage my confidence in that way.

so.. if you're wondering why my art book was unpublished..

there it is. i don't know, maybe i'll start drawing again. but the thought of me grabbing a pencil is making me nauseous. it's sad to know, how i always showed off things i was proud of when it the end it was meaningless.

my art was fucking trash anyway. it had so many flaws and ew, it was gross. so goodbye to that, maybe it'll make her happy.

what i like is stupid. what i do is dumb. and jesus, i just want people to like me.