L.O.D Headquarters...

You were driving around, looking for a parking spot, when you saw an open one, Bane stole your spot.

"...You son of a bitch..." you quietly growled as he got out and waved to you.

"Hello, new friend." He walked up to you, grinning. "Are you happy to be a member of the Legion of Doooooom?." He said Doom in a long and annoying way, which made you grit your teeth.

"Just ecstatic."

"Wonderful, I heard Black Manta brought bagels for our evil meeting today...I'll save you one while you park your car, if you want."

You sighed and you parked your car...after an hour of looking for another parking spot.

You, now pissed off, walked past some of the members.

"Ah, there you are." An intern with an L.O.D pin on his shirt said. "You are HeadHunter right, with Harley and her crew?."

"Yes." You nodded.

"Right this way." He led you down the many hallways, you have to admit, the place was pretty impressive looking from the inside, the intern led you to a room with chairs, inside the room was Clayface, reading a script, King Shark, staring at some of the divers in the large tank that goes throughout the whole building, Psycho was watching the news and of course, Harley was practicing her bat swings.

"Y/n's here." Psycho said as he gave you a quick glance, quickly looking back at the news.

"Howdy, buddy!." King Shark smiled.

"Greetings sir!." Clayface waved.

"About time." Harley got up from her chair, she rested her bat on her arms and gave you a smile. "So, what's in the case?."

You put the briefcase on the table, glaring at Harley.

"You'll find out soon enough Harley...I'll show you later."

"It's probably some pills that help you get erected." Harley nudged King Shark, who didn't laugh, instead, he saw your genuine anger and he backed away.

"Wow, are you that angry?." Harley chuckled. "Come on, it was a joke, like, chill out."

"Okay, just a joke, what about all those other jokes?." You say, getting in her face.

"Okay, I don't know who took a shit in your cereal this morning, but you need to relax...you are lucky I'm still allowing you to be a part of the crew after you put your hands on me."

"Oh please, after what I've seen you do with Joker, you like it when people get handsey." you said, this made Psycho, King and Clayface all look at Harley.

"What the hell?..." Psycho spoke before the TV turned on the L.O.D welcoming video.

"Oh, hey." Lex smiled at the camera. "I didn't see you there, I'm Lex Luthor, and I'm here to tell you a little bit about the Legion of Doom."

Screenshots were shown of the L.O.D's past crimes, some of them were unspeakable, one of them was Bane knocking over an ice cream stand.

"The LOD is a supportive community of elite supervillains dedicated to making the world a worse place, We've been behind some of the most evil plots of the 21st century."

"Hey, Black Manta, what's that?." Lex asked as Manta whispered something in his ear.

"They're waiting for the new recruits right next door?." Lex then turned to the camera. "Looks like you better get in there,  and make sure you bad guys bring a good attitude."

Then as Manta was walking away Psycho whispered something to him, which made Manta throw the short doctor into the walls.

"Hey, that's you!." You laughed, nudging Psycho who growled.

"What did you say to Black Manta to elicit such rage?." Clayface asked, looking at Psycho

"Nothing racist." Psycho rolled his eyes.

"Guys, pull it together," Harley commanded. "We are about to join..."

"The Legion of Doom." Lex opened the door, smiling, you all walked outside and saw the villains clapping for all five of you.

"Welcome home, Harley." Lex said as he got onto the stage and grabbed a microphone, and started speaking about some shit like revolution and villainy and evil, then he spent the rest of the speech kissing his own ass and telling everyone about his work.

five long and boring hours later...

"And that's all the time we have." Lex finished speaking before looking over at a sad Bane, wearing a magic hat. "Oh, and my apologies to Bane who wanted to do some magic."

"It was going to be a spectacle." Bane sadly walked off stage, cards flying everywhere.

"I'd like to say something." Joker walked on stage, smiling as Bane picked up the cards.

"Oh, my God!." Harley got behind you, not wanting to hear any of this.

"When I heard we were letting in Harley Quinn, I thought..." Joker began speaking before he started laughing, then paused. "No one deserves this opportunity more than she does."

"Oh this guy." King Shark rolled his eyes.

"I'm sorry." Psycho glared. "But didn't he try to kill you multiple times?."

"I know, I know." Joker said. "I tried to kill you multiple times, but frankly, Harley, now you're the one killing it." then he started clapping.

"Wow..." Harley was speechless

"Oh, I've seen this before." King Shark groaned. "It's just like the time my ex, Sandra, called me up after I lost 20 pounds, where were you when I was still 2,750, Sandra, where were you? I needed love then!."

"Promise us you will not make us the Jen Aniston to your Bradley Pitt's feverish pursuit of co-star Ann-halina Yo-lee." Clayface looked at Harley.

"Wow, that's a lot to unpack." Psycho face-palmed.

"Guys, guys, come on!." Harley folded her arms. "Give me a little credit here."

"For what exactly?." You asked.

"...For putting together this team and getting you guys into the place, in fact, you are lucky that I'm letting you stand here after you put your hands on me."

You rolled your eyes as you looked over at Joker who gave you a thumbs up.

"Joker saying a few nice things about me ain't gonna make me see him any different, okay?." Harley glared at the clown.

"Pick a card." Bane walked up to all of you with a deck of cards in his hand, wanting to perform a magic trick.

"When my mind's set, it is set." Harley took one of the cards whilst speaking to all of you. "Hell, they blew out three electric shock machines at Arkham trying to get through to me, I am done giving that clown second chances."

"Is your card the three of hearts?." Bane asked

"No." Harley glanced at her card.

"Fuck!." Bane crumbled up the cards in his hand and walked away.

You looked at your phone and saw a text pop up.

Ivy 💚: "Hey, grabbing a coffee, you wanna meet me there? ;)"

Timeskip...

You walked into the cafe and Ivy smiled when you walked up to her table.

"Hey!." She pecked you on the cheek. "You came."

"Of course, I always come for you Ivy." You smirked as you sat down in a chair.

"So...why did you have to leave early this morning?." Ivy asked sipping on a coffee. "You didn't even give me a kiss before you left."

"I know, I know." You nodded. "I had business to take care of, I'm also a member of the L.O.D-"

"Fuck that place in the ass." Ivy glared at you, slamming her phone down on the table.

"Yes." You nodded slightly afraid, you hated it when Ivy was angry. "Although, listen...I am working there and I hope it doesn't affect our relationship..."

"Of course not...unlike Harley." She looked away.

You saw Ivy clearly upset. "Hey...you okay?."

"I don't know, it just...It felt like she was so ready to abandon me." she looked sad, her lip quivering a bit, you got up and held her hand. "She said she was my only friend and...she's right...everyone I've ever known has abandoned me."

"I will never do that." You said, gripping her hand tighter. "I will always be there for you, Ivy, I will always smash things you might need smashed."

Hearing this Ivy smiled brightly.

"Wait, I know that look." You smiled, before playing with her hair. "Is there something you need smashed?."

Ivy blushed and looked away.

"Come on, Ive, there's gotta be something you need smashed." You got up from your chair and hugged her from behind. "Tell me, come on, tell Y/n what you need smashed."

"Okay, okay." Ivy chuckled. "There is... There is something actually, I've been working on."

"I knew it!." You laughed. "You're gonna do something evil, that is great!."

"Yeah." Ivy nodded. "You know, I mean if we're still categorizing fighting to protect the environment as "evil," then sure."

She then showed you her phone and you saw an ad for something.

"At our new state-of-the-art manufacturing plant in Gotham, we're building the machines to revolutionize the development of our beautiful city." the voice said as bulldozers were bulldozing trees, birds, and grass.

"Join us in paving the way together to a better Gotham." another voice said as the dirt and air looked awful and a factory with grey smoke was polluting the air.

"I'm gonna destroy it." Ivy growled.

"Ooh, you're still fired up, Ive." You smiled. "Count me in on destroying this new factory."

"Really?." Ivy smiled before kissing your cheek again. "Great, Let's meet up on Friday night and go over a plan."

"But what about coffee?." You asked. "...Can't we have a nice date?."

Ivy blushed again hearing the word "date" She had never heard that before.

"Uh...yeah, absolutely, of course." she stuttered and reached for the bill that the server brought her, you grabbed the bill instead.

"Oh, no, no, no, no, I got this." You read the bill. "The Legion gave me a corporate card and said I can expense any meal where I talk about doing something evil."

"Yeah, once again, it's just... We're saving plants, we're not actually doing something evil..." Ivy started before looking away and slowly smiled, she finally had someone who cared for her in her life. "You know what?... Thanks, Hun."

You paid for the bill and when you looked back at Ivy, she lunged over the table and the two of you began making out, you both nearly fell out of the chair but you were able to keep yourself balanced, she moved her tongue into your mouth and you began tongue-wrestling, she was getting the better of you and managed to get your tongue down, that's when your phone went off and you looked at a text.

Harley: "Yo Y/n, Lex wants to meet with us, come to the L.O.D HQ or to me, get it, HQ, Harley Quinn."

You looked up at Ivy and sighed. 

"I have to go, got a contract that needs fullfilling."

"...Okay..." Ivy looked down. "But we are still doing the heist right?."

"Of course we are, my deadly flower." you kissed her cheek again and left the cafe, getting into your car and driving back to the L.O.D Headquaters.

Timeskip...

Lex Luthor led Harley and her crew into a room decorated in red and black wallpaper along with a desk, tv, and a single chair.

"We added a little something we thought you might enjoy." Lex was about to pull off a fancy read sheet that was covering something.

"Oh, it's beautiful!." Clayface smiled and felt the soft material. "What's the thread count?."

"Oh, my God." Psycho shouted. "It's under the sheet, you dry turd!."

Lex pulled off the sheet, revealing a glass display case of several baseball bats.

"Oh, my God!." Harley smiled. "So thoughtful!."

"You got mahogany, oak, pine..." You looked at all the bats in the case.

"And... Just one chair." King Shark looked at the one chair in the room. "Where are the rest of us supposed to sit?."

"Oh, we have special offices for all of you." Lex smiled and snapped his fingers as the door opened, revealing an assistant. "My assistant cultural attache, Esteban, will take you."

"Why, hello, Esteban!." Clayface smiled. "And from what exotic pueblito on the Iberian Peninsula might you derive?."

"It's Steve, and I'm from Tulsa." The intern sighed. "I don't know why Mr. Luthor calls me that, but he always does, follow me." he looked at you, King Shark, Clayface and Psycho, Harley gripped your arm and smiled.

"...Hey uh just so you know, I think your little...toy...is very cute." she whispered into your ear, before licking it. "If you are free at any time and, you know, aren't pissed off at me from yesterday, or from all the other jokes I've made...I'm down to clown."

"I wouldn't bet on it, Harls." You said.

"Hey, tiny-dick!." Psycho shouted. "Come on!."

You followed the boys down the hallway, looking around the building, you saw Two-Face getting a coffee, Bane still trying to do his magic trick and Joker smiled at you, he hadn't forgotten about you and knew you were considering his offer to kill Harley.

"Okay." Psycho laughed. "Come on, I know where I'm going, I remember where my old office is."

"Yeah, that's been filled." Steve hit the down button on the elevator once you all got inside. "We have something else for you."

"Why did you hit down on the elevator?." Psycho shouted before the doors closed, after some time you were brought to a very crappy room.

"And here we are." Steve said, a rat scurried across the floor.

"No, no, no, no, I know this place." Psycho gasped, looking around. "This is where they keep the goons and the henchmen!."

"Right." Steve shrugged. "Like you."

"We're not goons, we're not henchmen." Psycho glared at Steve. "We have powers, well, Y/n doesn't but the rest of us do!."

"That's right." Clayface smiled. "I am an actor!."

"You are not an actor." Psycho groaned. "You are a huge pile of clay that can turn into anything you want."

He then pointed to King Shark.

"He is a giant half-shark man."

Then he pointed to himself.

"And I am a telepath, we have actual powers!."

"Uh, calm down, Dr. C*** Guy." Steve walked into the elevator. "This is where you're supposed to be, and you're lucky, touch whatever you want, everything's broken."

Psycho growled, kicking over the only working water fountain.

"Great, now we'll be put with someone who isn't Harley!."

"Like who?..." you asked before the Elevator door opened.

"Goons, you're with me." Bane smiled.

"The hell we are!." Psycho shouted. "We work for Harley!."

"And now, for me, too." Bane pointed at himself. "I've signed you out for a very important mission."

"Let me guess, blow something up." you leaned on a wall. "Also, where's my damn bagel I was promised."

"Hang on, let me tell my story." Bane smiled, then explained the mission he signed you up for.

Flashback..

"I got a razzy zazzy for "Bang." A fast-food worker called out.

"It's Bane!." Bane shouted. "You know it's Bane, I'm here every day, Todd, goddamn millennials."

"Whatever, Bang!." Todd laughed as he walked away, Bane, now angry, destroyed his Razzy Zazzy smootie.

End of flashback...

"So, we're blowing up Todd after dinner." Bane smiled looking at all of you. "Don't eat so much you get lethargic, but eat enough that you don't get fainty, 'cause I do not bring snacks.

He then stepped into the elevator. "The streets will run with razzy zazzy!." the doors then closed then opened up. "Oh yeah, assassin guy, the bagels are now being brought out, come along."

"Why does he get a bagel-" Psycho shouted, you followed Bane into the elevator.

"Y/n, please get me a bagel!!!!!." King desperately shouted as the doors closed, you and Bane walked into a meeting room after you got out of the elevator.

"And thanks to Black Manta for the bagels." Lex said as you walked in and

"There's only cinnamon raisins!." Joke threw a bagel at Black Manta. "You know I hate raisins!."

The clown then dug deeper into the bag.

"Oh, Wait. Here's an everything."

"Bane, what did I tell you about bringing goons into the villain meeting," Lex said before he quickly ducked a bullet that fired at him.

"Do I look like a goon to you, rich boy?." You blew the smoke out of your gun.

"Yes, bravo." Joker clapped. "Classic response."

Everyone looked at Joker.

"He's used that several times before, anyway, nice of you to join us, HeadHunter." Joker smiled at you. "Can I offer you a seat?."

"There doesn't seem to be one available." You said, looking around, all the seats were taken, Joker looked at Bane who just sat down and kicked him out of his chair just as he grabbed a bagel. 

"Now there is!." Joker smiled as he presented the seat to you...you slowly sat down in the chair Bane was in.

So, Harley, every week we meet to pitch our evil ideas.

This is where we get approval for the use of Legion resources like goons and getaway cars.

"And s'plosions!." Bane shouted out,

"I have no idea what the fuck "s'plosions" are, Bane, but we do have explosives," Lex shouted back at Bane.

"So this is the place to get creative feedback on ideas?." Harley asked

"Exactly." Lex nodded. "We modeled it after the way they do things at Pixar."

"I wish they would make another Up movie." Bane frowned.

"They can't." Lex shouted, slamming his fist on the table. "The story was over at the end of the first."

"Unless, the kid is the old man in the sequel." Scarecrow said.

"Oh, that's fun!." Bane clapped. "That's a good one."

"Is this what goes on in these meetings?." You asked.

"Can we stop with the nonsense, please?." Lex asked. "Who wants to start?." 

"Okay!." Joker began. "So, I want to build a giant tower with my face on it."

"Loving this." Scarecrow smiled.

"Kissass." you quietly coughed.

"My quote-unquote "mouth" opens up..." Joker continued. "Boom, reveals a giant TV, what's on it? Me!." He then cackled.

"I open with a joke, threaten Gotham, you get the rest." Joker then leaned back in his chair. "I need 800 million, but I can do it for six."

"Six hundred million!." Scarecrow's eyes widened. "I mean, that's a bargain."

"I... I'm still trying to get a chair." Bane frowned as he looked at the tiny chair you were now sitting in.

"Shall we move to approve?." Lex asked, everyone raised their hands...apart from Harley, and yourself.

"Harley?." Lex looked confused.

"I don't get it." Harley folded her arms.

"You don't... Get it?." Joker slowly leaned forward in his chair.

"Well, for starters, why do you need a tower?." Harley asked. "If you want to get on TV, why don't you just take over the airwaves like everybody else?."

"Because everyone else has already done it." Joker groaned. "fucking Bane's done it."

"Yeah, I've done it." Bane nodded.

"Okay, well then, why not just take over an existing tower?." Harley asked. "Why are we building a new tower?."

"Because a regular tower doesn't have a fire pole that goes from the top to the bottom, that's why."

"That's a bit garish, innit?." Scarecrow asked.

"Why do you need that?." You asked, looking confused as you twirled a knife.

"Because I'm the Joker!." Joker shouted.

"Hmm." Lex put his hands together. "Feels a little like you came up with the frosting..."

"Before you baked the cake." Harley finished.

"Exactly." Lex smiled at Harley, then turned to Joker.

"You haven't baked the cake." Lex continued. "Why don't you come back to us after you bake the cake, huh, Joker?."

"Fine." Joker glared at Lex, then at Harley. "I'll bake the fucking cake."

Joker got up and stormed out of the room and soon everyone did, you felt someone tap your shoulder.

"Here's your bagel...I hope you don't mind the fact that it's raision." Bane said, holding out a bagel to you.

You nodded and took the bagel, getting up from your chair, you looked across and you saw Harley smiling, she beckoned you over with her finger and you walked over to her.

"Hey, Y/n...so good to see you...nice suit..." She smiled, patting your shoulder.

"Look if you have anything to say, I don't give a shit, after how you treated Ivy yesterday, I don't care-"

"...I've texted her several times saying I was sorry...she hasn't responded...and...and...listen, I don't have a single friend in this world besides her, and I guess you after all the time we spent in Arkham...but listen...is she still upset at me?."

"...Hard to tell, but I know I would be-" You start to walk away before Harley grabs your arm.

"Hey, where are you going?." She turned you to face her. "...Don't you just want to, you know, stay and chat for a bit?..."

"I can't...I have an important mission." You tried to walk away but Harley kept tugging on your arm.

"Well you work for me, remember, so your mission can wait...I want to speak with my friend."

"...We're friends?." You looked at her like she was crazy, which she is.

"Y/n, come on, are you ignoring me because of what I said, or all of the tiny-dick jokes-"

Two-Face, hearing this, spat out his coffee and began laughing.

"The assassin has a tiny dick!." He began cackling, you gave Harley a glare and started walking away again.

"No-no-no-no-no-no-no-wait." Harley got in front of you. "Please...I'm very bored in my office...I get lonely when I don't have someone to talk to..."

"Harley, get out of the way, I don't give a shit what you think alright, I'm..." you paused when you saw her tears again. "Don't start with the waterworks again..."

Harley didn't say anything and her lip began to quiver.

"...Harley, do not start-"

Harley slowly began sniffling and weeping, thankfully everyone had left the room at that point and it was just you and her.

"Harley, stop crying."

"Just talk with me, please, what is your problem with me!!!!!!!!????." Harley gripped onto your legs and you sighed.

"Would you like my answer to that question in writing?." you asked.

"Y/n...please...I just want to talk, and you're my friend, one of my only friends, I just need someone to keep me company!!!." Harley's tears ran down her cheeks and you looked at your gun and looked around, nobody was there, you could kill her right now...but you couldn't, you don't know why but you felt like you couldn't end her life.

"Alright...fine...I'll talk, over coffee." You said.

Harley stopped crying instantly and wrapped her arms around you.

"Yay!!!!!!." She cheered. "You are a great man, Y/n, I feel like you should be paid more."

"Well then, give me my money from our last job and I may speak to you more."

Harley then laughed. "You really should become a comedian."

You clenched your fist as you both walked to the coffee maker and Harley dried her tears up, you both saw Bane, trying to get the machine to work.

"Damn you stupid coffee machine, I will blow you up unless you give me my coffee." 

You slowly pushed the button and coffee began filling up Bane's mug.

"Oh...I loosened it for you...but thanks, Henchman."

"I have a name, Bane." you said before he walked over to Harley

"You know Harley, It's refreshing." He smiled. "I am glad that someone finally stood up to that clown."

Bane heard an ahem and turned behind him, standing behind him was Joker, who was grinning from ear to ear.

"Oh!." Bane dropped his mug. "Hey, Joker, I was just telling Harley how uncool she was, being in the meeting earlier and having the gall--"

Joker cut Bane's tubes and Vemon was going everywhere, making him scream and stumble around.

"It's leaking everywhere!." Bane shouted as he ran down the halls.

"About that meeting, I wanted to say--" Joker began

"Look, if you came here to yell at me then--" Harley sighed.

"Thank you!." Joker smiled.

"Uh, what?." Harley looked confused. 

"...Yeah...what?..." you also looked confused.

"That plan needed work, I'm going to put the time in, and really make it something special." Joker grinned. "But I'm happy I finally have someone here with the guts to stand up to me, maybe we could grab a drink so I could pick your brain with this whole giant-towerwith-my-face-on-it thing."

"Yeah, I don't think so." Harley sipped her coffee.

"A work drink," Joker added. "I could give you the lowdown on how to game the system here."

"Really?." Harley asked.

"And not have sex with each other?." You asked.

"Harley, HeadHunter, please!." Joker laughed. "I'm blushing...We're colleagues now, you don't see me having sex with Scarecrow or Bane."

You and Harley both looked at each other.

"The answer's, no, I don't...do that with them." Joker walked away. "Just a work drink...think about it."

You slowly walked around the corner to the bathroom and Joker pulled you aside.

"Remember your job, HeadHunter...Kill her, this is all a part of my plan, just play along."

"...Alright... yeah...sure." you rolled your eyes and he smiled, patting you hard on the back.

You caught up with Harley who was walking back to her office and you opened the door for her, standing in the room already were Clayface, King Shark, and Psycho.

"Harley, we have a problem." King said.

"They put us in the goon poo-el." Clayface added.

"Ooh, that sounds fun." Harley smiled, setting her coffee mug down. 

"Fun?." Psycho's eyes widened. "It's not the fun kind of pool, they're treating us like we're common henchmen and we have to work for anyone who asks."

"Including Bane." Clayface said. 

"Bane!." Psycho shouted.

"What?." Harley looked shocked. "Bane, Ugh, We only work together!."

"Well, they're saying something entirely different." King Shark frowned.

"Don't worry," Harley said. "You won't be working for Bane, I promise, I just gotta figure out how to game the system here."

"And how, pray tell, will you do that?." Clayface asked.

Harley slowly began to think before smiling.

"I'll pray tell a colleague about it...." she then went to her desk. "Now everyone, please leave, I gotta work."

King, Clayface, and Psycho walked out of the door before Harley shut her doors before you left.

"Except you, you stay." 

"...What is it you want from me?..." you look at Harley who smirks.

"I think you know what I want."

"I thought you said it was small and droopy..."

"I said those were jokes, hun...and besides...you were actually really good for that size..."

"...Harley, please, I'd don't want to have sex-"

"...Y/n...come on, I know you want to as well, don't deny it..." Harley leaped up from the desk and cartwheeled onto your shoulders.

"...I'll make you feel really good, Y/n." she whispered into your ear.

"Harley, let me go, I'm not having sex with you again."

Her thighs tightened around your neck.

"Y/n, either we do it, here and now, or I break your neck with my thighs, your choice."

She started choking you with her thighs and your face slowly began turning blue.

"Harley, get off!." you tried to get her off but that only made her squeeze tighter, like she was trying to squish your head like a watermelon.

"The more you resist the more I'm gonna squeeze." Harley smiled as you began thrashing around, trying to get her off, your face was now turning purple as Harley slowly got you on the floor.

"Just say the word and it'll be over..." She whispered.

"...Harley..." you weakly groaned.

"Yes, dollface." she smiled.

"...Fuck you..." you looked like you were about to pass out as she squeezed even tighter.

"What was that, darlin'"

"...I'll do you, okay!?." you shouted. "Get off, you're gonna kill me!."

Harley let her thighs relax and you got out from under her, gasping for air, your face slowly turned back to normal.

"See, that wasn't so hard, was it?." Harley giggled and then removed her top and bottoms. "Alright, off with the fancy suit and tie and start plowing me until it bleeds."

"...What?..." you slowly backed away.

"Did I stutter?." She glared. "Get that suit off!."

Timeskip...oh yeah, here's another lemon 🍋

You limped into the goon room, yes, you limped.

You slowly sat down on one of the chairs and wiped the sweat from your forehead, your tie was wrinkled as well as your suit.

"Oh, man!." King Shark looked at the only working vending machine. "They only have potato chips with the weird Korean flavor."

""Cheddar and octopus ranch"?" Clayface looked at one of the chip flavors. "Could be delicious!."

"Or poisonous." Psycho said as Clayface put the quarter in.

"I will give it a whirl." 

As the bag fell down, the elevator door opened and Bane walked out.

"Put down those snacks, you dumb goons," Bane commanded. "It's time to go."

"We're not going anywhere with you, S&M Sally!." Psycho shouted. "Harley took care of it."

"I filed all the proper paperwork." Bane held a folder up in his hand. "I even got the green light from HR, so...Your move."

"How disappointing!." Clayface frowned.

"Right?." King frowned as well. "But don't worry, I'll call Harley and we'll sort this out-"

"I meant these chips, they're disappointing." Clayface pointed to the bag of chips he was eating. "I'm not tasting the... Oh, wait...There's the octopus!."

"Damn!." King looked at his phone. "It went to voicemail."

"That's that then." Bane smiled. "Saddle up, muchachos, we have a juicery to es'plode!."

Bane suddenly looked over at you, you were sweating bullets and you looked like you were going to vomit at any moment.

"...Did you also eat the Chedder and Octopus chips?." Bane asked. "Those are really bad for you and will make anyone vomit, I recommend some water to help with your tummy ache-"

"...I need a minute..." you said, before vomiting up next to the chair. "...more like five..."

Timeskip...

You were about to go with Bane and the crew then all of a sudden your phone went off, you checked the text message you had just received.

Harley: "Hey, HH, How you doin?. I had a fun time, you really improved, anyway, Joker invited me and you for dinner on a boat, sounds romantic, don't you think?."

HH: "I gotta work for Bane, Harley."

Harley: "I talked with Joker and he was able to get you, and only you, off the hook so you don't have to work for Bane, also, he told me you threw up after eating those weird chips, I suggest trying the cinnamon, hot sauce and garlic ones."

Timeskip...

You were in another suit, you had decided to leave your gear back in the case as you knew why you were being invited to Join Harley and Joker for dinner, you got onto the boat and looked around, what you saw was actually shocking, Harley and Joker, sitting together and laughing, talking, like they once were...

"I missed this." Joker smiled.

"This isn't... Come on..." Harley looked away. "Now, this is just an extension of the business conversation from earlier."

"Oh, for sure." Joker nodded.

"Cool." Harley said.

"Cool." Joker said back.

"Cool." Harley replied. 

"We're just cool." Joker smiled.

"Cool." You walked over, sitting down.

"Oh, hey HH." Harley smiled.

"HeadHunter, perfect timing." Joker smiled. "Welcome to Joker Cruise-"

"Monsters!." A woman shouted, she was tied up with a man who was duck-tapped. "She's eating the beef tenderloin with a fish fork."

"...Oh, so these are the owners of the boat..." you nodded. "Okay, that makes a lot of sense."

Harley and Joker grabbed the couple and tossed them overboard into the waters.

"Okay, I did miss this." Harley agreed.

"Now, this is living." Joker leaned back, enjoying the view.

"Yeah." Harley chuckeld. "Hey, you know, I had a thought about that tower with your face on it you pitched at the meeting?."

"Oh, my face tower?." Joker smiled

"That... That would be the one." Harley nodded. "I was thinking you could build it underground and when you wanna unveil it, it can shoot above the surface and scare the shit out of people."

"Ooh, like a Jack in the box!." He grinned.

"Exactly!." Harley nodded.

"Love that." Joker smiled. "It's very on-brand for me, I mean."

"Wow, really?." Harley smiled. "I don't think you've ever taken one of my ideas before."

"The student becomes another master." Joker put a hand on her shoulder.

"Uh, I think the phrase is, "The student becomes the master."' You said.

"No, I believe it's, "The student becomes a master "equal to the original master, but not with more mastery than that master."" Joker said.

"So you're not upset I decided to go off on my own?" Harley smiled.

"If this is the Harley Quinn solo act, I just have one thing to say..." Joker continued. "I wish it'd had happened sooner."

As Harley and Joker smiled, Batman appeared, hopping out of the Batwing

"Up to your old tricks again," Batman growled. "Well, you're gonna be spending a lifetime together in Arkham."

Joker smiled.

"Well, I'm afraid, our friend wants to chat with you bats." Joker looked over at you.

"I what?." you looked confused, before Batman punched you in the jaw, knocking a tooth out of your mouth, you recovered and tried to stab him with your knife but he threw you into Harley who caught you and helped you up, in the meantime, Joker had grabbed onto the ladder of his escape helicopter.

"You know, I'd love to take you, puddin'..." Joker smiled, holding his hand. "So get the hell on, you knucklehead!."

You saw Harley grin and you looked confused as she took his hand and ladder pulled them up, a grappling hook then pulled you up as well just out of Batman's reach.

"Us, escaping together?." Harley smiled, looking into Joker's eyes as he helped you into the helicopter. "I used to dream about this moment."

"Oh, Harley!." Joker smiled. "I couldn't leave you on the boat...I need you."

You looked very confused as Joker leaned in closely.

"For this." Joker grabbed Harley's chin...then the two started making out, right in front of you...Harley was now back with Joker...

...or so you thought.

"And this!." Joker shoved Harley out of the helicopter, laughing as she began falling towards the waters.

"Harley!." you shouted.

"Hahahaha, good work HeadHunter, as I said, Just like I planned, you'll be paid a lot of cash for this, and that enlarger ray of course." Joker began flying back, you saw the look on Harley's face as she fell.

You saw that the batwing had caught Harley, but she was upset, she rolled off the batwing and into the waters, you saw this and looked around for her, but Harley wasn't coming back up...you thought of your time in Arkham...you were being treated poorly by the inmates and guards, until two people stepped up to defend you and stop all the hazing in the prison...Ivy and Harley, you remember the laughs you had and the time now with her crew, sure even if the dick jokes were annoying and you want to tear them apart sometimes because they are annoying...they're still your only friends...you realized that money doesn't matter when it comes to friendship in the real world, and you don't need a bigger schlong in order to impress the woman of your life...without even thinking, you leaped out of the helicopter and did a perfect swan dive in after Harley.

"You know, I'm feeling parched after that." Joker chuckled. "What's say we get a few drinks to celebrate the death of Harley Quinn, then we'll head down to the club and find you a nice stripper to bang, what do you say HeadHunter?."

...nothing.

"HeadHunter?..." Joker looked back at you for a response but his eyes widened when you weren't sitting in the back. "What the hell, did he jump out?..."

You landed in the water and Harley was sinking, but it looked like she didn't care, her eyes were closed and it looked like she was just trying to drown herself, you swam over to her and wrapped an arm around her, which made her eyes open wide when she saw you begin to surface with her, you pulled her back up and you both gasped for air.

"...Y/n?..." Harley coughed up a bit of water.

"Come on." You grabbed her arm and with one arm, began to swim back to the boat, since it was closer than shore, you saw Batman in the batwing pursuing the Joker in his helicopter as you and Harley slowly reached the yacht, you helped her up and got her a towel.

"I can't believe you saved me..." She sniffled.

"...I...I had a change of heart...listen...Joker wanted me to kill you...but...I didn't expect him to push you out of the helicopter..." You sighed. "And...after realizing something important...I just couldn't let you drown..."

"What did you realize?." She slowly looked at you.

"That no matter how many jokes you make, or how much chaos you cause... you are still my friend...you helped me get through Arkham...hell you set me up on Tinder, and we've had sex twice now."

Harley nodded slowly, before suddenly...something turned in her mind...she slowly looked at you...then smiled...you saw that it wasn't a crazy smile...it was a smile...of......love...

You slowly blinked, then stood up. "Oh god..."

"Hey, uh, has anyone told you how handsome you are?..."

"Harley..." you saw she was walking closer up you, her eyes looked different like her pupils had...hearts...

"Yes?..."

"You okay...you seem different all of a sudden."

"Oh I'm just fine, puddin'" she smiled.

"Puddin?..." you looked confused, then your eyes widened as you kept backing away. "Harley, please don't tell me your-"

"In love?." She nodded. "...Yup..."

She started moving closer to you.

"Hey...why don't you come here and give me a hug, just a completly "friendly" hug."

"Harley, I'm not intrested-"

"...I'll put my thighs around your head again...unless you say yes."

"Harley-"

Harley leaped onto your shoulders again and she began squeazing your neck with her thighs, choking you, your face started turning red.

"Harley!." you tried getting her off but she had an iron grip around your neck.

"Just give in, Y/n."

"Let me go!!!!." Your face was now turning blue as you tried to get her off, she brought you slowly to the ground and applied more pressure.

"Just give in...and be. my. puddin.'" 

You felt your vision fading, like you were going to pass out, unless you didn't accept Harley's confession, your face was turning purple.

"...Alright...alright...." you begged. "I'll be your puddin' okay...just let me go....please...I'm gonna pass-" before you could finish what you were going to say, you passed out, Harley let you go and smiled.

"Yay!." She smiled, then smiled seeing you sleep. "Aww...he's actually really cute when he's sleeping."

Meanwhile...

"Has Harley called back yet?." Clayface asked Psycho and Bane who were in the car outside of the smoothie shop Bane goes to.

"Yeah!." Psycho rolled his eyes. "And she said she fixed everything, and I just didn't tell you."

"Fantastic!." Clayface smiled.

"What's taking your shark friend so long to plant the bomb?." Bane asked, looking out of the window.

"Oh, I don't know." Psycho growled. "Maybe it's because he's a shark and not a demolitions expert."

"Todd must pay for what he's done." Bane gripped the remote for the bomb. "Let's see whose name is Bang now, Todd!."

Bane pressed the button and the smoothie place exploded, King Sharks fin went right through the windshield.

"Ah!." Clayface shouted. "Good Lord!."

King Shark landed on the hood of the car, his back now bleeding.

"Oh!." Bane looked at King. "Hey, Shark guy, did we kill Todd?."

"Todd...doesn't work Wednesdays." King Shark said before passing out.

"Oh, he must have changed the schedule." Bane put the remote away

Timeskip...

"Why, Lord?." Clayface looked up as King Shark was in a hospital bed. "Why take him when you could have me instead?...I am a perfectly delicious substitute."

"What the hell are you talking about?." Psycho looked at Clayface. "He's still alive."

"Huh?." Clayface asked. "Oh, I was rehearsing, I have an audition for a margarine commercial."

"Well, it was very moving." King smiled. "Although, that could be the morphine talking...I love everybody right now."

"I came as soon as I heard." Ivy ran into the room, holding a plant. "How's he doing?."

She saw that King's heart rate was 204.

"Oh, my God!." Ivy gasped "I think he's going into cardiac arrest, Someone? Nurse? Somebody!."

"No, that's actually a pretty standard shark heartbeat." King smiled. "I'm fine." 

"Oh, no shit?." Ivy smiled, putting the plant she brought down. "So where's Harley?."

Ivy then looked around. "She said she got help up with some Legion shit, but I figured she'd come running as soon as she heard."

"Patrick Swayze's ghost!." Clayface pointed at the tv screen. "It appears we've been deceived."

"Ooh!." Tawny said on the screen. It looks like Jo-Quinn is back together, less than an hour ago, former lovebirds Harley Quinn and Joker were spotted tonguing each other down." the news showed the picture of Joker and Harley kissing...and you were in the background, looking shocked as hell.

Ivy glared at the screen, Clayface looked away, Psycho gripped his chair and King put his head back down.

"I know I have guns, get the hell out of the way, my friend is dying!." you shoved a doctor away and kicked opened the door, holding a box of chocolates. "How is he?." you asked.

"He's fine...not that you cared to much." Psycho glared at you.

"The fuck are you talking about?." You then slowly glanced up at the screen. "....Oh...fuck..."

"Hey, everyone!." Harley walked in, getting glares from everyone, even Ivy. "Oh, I'm so sorry I didn't get here sooner, I got held up at a crazy Legion board meeting and then--"

Harley looked over at you and turned around to see what you were looking at.

"Oh!..."

"It is one thing when I thought you ditched me for the Legion, but him?." Ivy walked up to Harley. "I thought you were better than that, man."

"No, I am." Harley said, looking apolgetic. "And I see that now."

"Too late." Clayface folded his arms. "You promised you'd extricate us from having to join Bane, but you didn't, and now, look!." he then poined to King Shark

"Some of us got our fins blown off!."

"I'll tell you one thing." Psycho got up from his chair. "A Japanese chef offered a large sum of money for it and you weren't even there to tell me to not consider it!."

"Because you were canoodling with the Joker instead." King frowned.

"I know, but the whole reason I even met with Joker was to figure out how to get you guys out of doing that." Harley's voice sounded broken.

"Oh, please." Psycho rolled his eyes.

"Drivel!." Clayface looked away.

"Ive, you, you..." Harley gripped Ivy's arm as she tried to leave. "You have to understand-"

"No!." Ivy shouted. "Not this time, Harley....I have done everything in my power to keep you away from that ass clown because I truly believe that you deserve better."

Ivy then looked down.

"But you know what?." Ivy slowly looked into her eyes. "I am done believing in someone who just doesn't believe in herself."

"I'm... I'm sorry, Ive..." Harley's voice was barley hearable. "I made a mistake...I know I did...It won't happen again."

"Bullshit!." Psycho growled. 

"Poppycock!." Clayface glared.

"Now hang on, guys." you tried to calm everyone down. "I can tell you the whole thing, I was there-"

"Oh and have you spew up lies as to how the two of them "accidently kissed" yeah right, shut up tiny-dick." Psycho glared at you now.

"Guys, come on." Harley sounded like she was about to cry. "His dick isn't that tiny-"

"It's true, Harley...both you and Joker and about Y/n's little friend." King said. "You're like the fish that cried Orca, It's a story remarkably similar to that boy who cried Wolf, except that instead of a boy, it's a fish, and instead of a wolf--"

"It's an orca." You said.

"No!." King shouted. "It's a wolf named Orca, but it can swim, which is terrifying."

"And also morphine-induced, but the point he's trying to make is, we are out of the crew!." Psycho walked out of the room and slammed the door shut, Clayface followed him. 

"Clayface!." Harley spoke.

"I'm sorry, but I have a regional margarine commercial audition that starts in seven hours." Clayface left the room.

"King?." Harley looked at King Shark with begging eyes.

"I have a catheter inside me, so I can't currently leave, but please note that as soon as I'm able to urinate in a normal fashion, I am also out of the crew." King said, then, Ivy tried to walk out.

"Please, don't go." Harley looked like she was about to tear up. "Sorry, I... I have my own plan to focus on."

She walked past Harley then stopped when she looked at you, you looked sad, then Ivy walked out, you followed her.

"Hey, Ivy...you want me to come with you-"

"I think I'd rather go solo on this one, babe..." She looked away. "I need people I can count on."

"Ivy...you can count on me..." your voice now sounded broken. "Please...Harley was tricked by Joker, she was-"

"...I know she's your friend and all...but stop making up lies for her." Ivy glared at you, you slowly looked down, she then sighed and kissed your cheek. "...I love you...alright?..."

You slowly nodded and Ivy walked away, Harley opened the door and tried to chase after Ivy but you stopped her, shaking your head.

"She doesn't want to talk Harls..." 

Harley slowly had tears forming and wrapped her arms around you, she began crying into your shoulder as you patted her back.

"Please don't go too..." Harley said. "We just got together-"

"I'm not going...I'll help you throught this...we'll get everyone back one way." you continued to pat her back. "...I know it..."

Timeskip...

Ivy was inside the powerplant she was trying to destroy, she was sneaking around trying to be steahly, when all of sudden, gas was sprayed into her face and she began coughing before passing out and two people in hasmat suits grabbed her arms.

"Yeah, boss." one of the said into a walkie-talkie. "We got her."