NINETEEN

Harley Anderson

I adjust the jacket that covers my body, using it as a makeshift blanket while Danté runs a hand up and down my arm.

Despite our apartment being a few feet away from us, I still can't manage to get myself up and walk over there. Instead, Danté and I sit in the back of his car, my back pressed against his chest as I sit between his legs, our clothes being used as a blanket after being removed from our bodies. It's a tight fit- sitting in the backseat with Danté. His legs are too long and he has to slouch slightly but I don't complain. It means that I get more skin contact.

I take the moment to appreciate the peace. Just being in Danté's company is enough to lift my mood and it's even better when we don't even have to say anything to convey exactly what we want and how we feel.

"Are you ready for your race?" He asks me softly and my heart drops a little. I was enjoying the moment of not having to worry about such things however, I know that there's no point in avoiding it so I shrug.

"I don't think I'll be able to answer 'yes' to that question." I confess and Danté rubs his thumbs in a circular motion on my forearm.

"I don't see why amado. You ride well."

A smirk tilts my lips up and I laugh under my breath. With what we just did, he's definitely using the wrong words. Realising what he said, Danté lets out a snort.

"Not like that, Harley. You know what I mean."

I turn around in his arms slightly so that I can look up at him and I plaster the best offended look I can muster.

"So you're saying that I don't ride you well?" I ask, placing a hand over my chest. Danté rolls his eyes although he smiles while he does so.

"Oh you know you do, but stop deflecting."

I turn back around, pleased with his response but also slightly disappointed that I failed to avoid the topic.

Sometimes I feel like I don't love racing as much as I thought I did because if I did, I wouldn't be afraid of dying right? I would be willing to just get in the car and race. In all the times that I've sat in the car while Danté has raced, I've never once seen him scared or fearful of what may happen. His love and passion for racing outweighs his doubt and fear and he embraces death with open arms. How come I can't do that?

"Hey," Danté shifts so that he's looking more directly at me. "What are you thinking up in that head of yours?"

I sigh, looking down at my chest. "About how I can't love racing if I'm so scared to do it."

"It doesn't work like that Harley." Danté responds, eyebrows drawn together as he looks at me, "I love you and that scares me. Does that mean I don't love you?"

Silence is my only response because I don't know what to say. His analogy is true.

"You can't measure your love for something by how much you fear it. Do you think that I was fearless about racing from the start? Of course not, amado. I learnt to let that part go as time went by and my love grew. But you can't give your love for it the opportunity to grow if you only ever stop yourself from going ahead."

My heart yearns to do that- to just get behind that wheel and give myself a chance to do something I've enjoyed every time I have given myself a chance to do it. But even though there's a voice in my head telling me to do it, to say 'fuck the odds', get behind the wheel and race my ass off, there's also another voice, one that talks with much more conviction. And that one tells me to leave it. To give it up. Just because you love something doesn't mean it was made for you, meant for you. I might love racing but maybe it doesn't love me.

But who would I be if I didn't try? If I didn't give that softer voice in my head the benefit of the doubt and listen to it? It's the quiet voices that count.

I sigh, sitting up straighter and turning around to face Danté. He looks so gorgeous like this. Bare, with not a piece of clothing on, his hair disheveled from my fingers and his skin marked by my nails. Eyes alight with him momentarily forgetting his problems, lips pink and plumpy from me tugging on it, pink bite marks on his neck- that somehow complement his bruised jaw- and his eyebrows not knitted together. He looks so content with just being in another universe with me. He looks so happy by just watching me. Even with my blue torso and bust lip and swollen eye, Danté still makes me feel so beautiful.

Maybe racing is like being in love- it's scary and hard and nerve-wracking and tough... but maybe it's also rewarding, patient and kind. Maybe I needed to fall- crash into the tree and end up in a coma- in order to truly experience the beauty of racing.

"You're right." I eventually respond to Danté who is watching me carefully. "I have to try even though I'm terrified. You taught me to push myself. Always. And that's exactly what I need to do."

A smile worms its way onto Danté's face and he presses a kiss to my forehead. "You'll be fine amado. You're incredible at it. But," he says, pulling back to look at me, "we should head inside."

I chuckle and pull away, gathering my clothes to pull them on. However, when I feel his lips back on my skin, nibbling on my shoulder, I have to pause from what I'm doing.

"What are you doing?" I ask suspiciously, eyes narrowing over my shoulder. Danté shrugs casually as he slowly presses hot, open mouth kisses up my neck.

"Nothing." He says just as he runs a hand down my torso and I shiver just before I feel him pull away. I zip around to see him pulling his jeans on outside of the car and I gawk at him.

"Did you... did you just completely string me along for nothing?" I hiss, holding my shirt to my chest and Danté leans against the door, a charming smile making itself known.

"You should get dressed Harley." He responds before shutting the door. My mouth continues to hang open before I let out a laugh of disbelief and shake my head.

"Asshole," I mutter although the smile on my face contradicts what I say.

****

With summer clearly here, the sun shines down on me, making me regret wearing this leather jacket and despite there being a breeze that blows stray pieces of hair out of my bun, I still have to peel my jacket off. I squint at the road, waiting for the familiar car.

Since I'll be racing tomorrow, Mason agreed to bring my car from Oregon here. Even though I never raced again, I still saved up with money from the betting to buy an Aston Martin. Danté had initially gotten me another Mustang in hopes that it would encourage me to race and even though I absolutely love that car, I need to use a more modern car since none of the cars used at the track here seem to be anything but that.

Plus, I'm really not a fan of Ferraris.

Slowly, a Mazda pulls up with my black Aston Martin being driven behind it and I frown, having totally forgotten that he would have needed another person to drive the other car so that he had a way to get back.

"Who's in the other car?" I ask Danté as they park a little further ahead from us. Danté doesn't answer me when Mason steps out of the Mazda and I'm momentarily silenced at the joyful smile that makes its way onto Danté's face at seeing a friend. The two men embrace each other in a hug and I smile at Mason as he looks at me over Danté's shoulder.

"Shit Harley. What happened to you?" Mason asks after releasing Danté and coming over to me. His familiar scent reminds me of the track and it's the best thing to be reminded of. I chuckle in his embrace.

"You don't want to kn-"

And then I see a flash of ginger and a wide smile and I'm barreling towards my best friend and throwing myself at her.

"Audrey!" I exclaim in excitement and she wraps her arms around me as she laughs.

"Fuck. I've missed you so much." She says and I hold her even tighter, her embrace and familiarity being the most comfort I've felt in days. When I manage to pull away from her and glance over her, checking to see if anything has changed, I realise that she's here. In California, just a few kilometers out of Concord where the mess I'm in is at.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, still in shock that I'm seeing the crazy ginger standing before me. I thought it would still be months until I saw her again and even though her being here is such a risk- even more for Mason since he's part of another gang- I can't seem to focus on that.

Audrey smiles, although it's slightly concerned as I see her pull her gaze away from my beaten face.

"Mason needed someone to drive your car and since Caleb is in Boston for football and Danté told me that I'd get to see you, I refused to give the opportunity up."

My face aches from smiling so much and I turn to see Danté talking to Mason although he meets my gaze for just a moment and winks before he continues his conversation. I look back to Audrey and she closes the door to my car before joining me on the hood.

The road we decided to meet on is quiet, with hardly any cars passing by. However, there's a fair amount of trees so I take shade under one. It's quiet for a moment before Danté laughs at something Mason said- eyes crinkling and all. And I savour his laugh because I don't know when last I heard it sound so carefree.

"So," Audrey grabs my attention, "is your... beaten appearance because of gang initiation?"

My eyes widen and I'm gaping for a few seconds before I regain composure and slip on a mask of nonchalance. Obviously my first instinct is to play the oblivious card- "I don't know what you're talking about Auds."

She lets out an unattractive snort and I know that it was the shock on my face that had given it away.

"Seriously Harley? You're going to play dumb with me?" Audrey rolls her eyes before nudging my shoulder. "You think I didn't do my research about Concord after I realised that's where me and Mason were heading? I mean, I know I might slack a fucking lot in college but I know how to do the dirty work too."

I sigh, looking down at my boots. "I was hoping you weren't going to figure it out." I reply honestly and I feel her gaze on my face.

"Why? Because you think I'm going to judge you? Don't get me wrong, Harley, I don't condone what you're a part of but I'm also aware that you don't have a choice in the matter. Why? I don't know. But I trust you enough to know that this is something bigger than I can understand." She says and I look up to meet her gaze, my heart swelling with appreciation.

"Thank you Auds. That means a lot." I say, blinking back tears and soon she's teary eyed too. She laughs, wiping at her eyes while I sniffle.

"Shit Harley," she laughs. "Stop crying! I look like a fucking baby."

I can't help but laugh through the tears as they escape me and I playfully hit her shoulder.

"Who knew we were both emotional bitches?"

This causes Audrey to laugh even louder and I join her before she leans her head on my shoulder and we both slowly calm down.

"What's it like?" She asks after a moment's beat. I know what she's asking but I don't really know how to answer it. This world I've being thrust into is so different. It's harsh and brutal and reckless. There's no space for peace and harmony and safety. That's not how it works.

"It's a different world, I guess. It's nowhere near what they make it out to be on TV." I say after licking my lips.

"Are you in danger?" Audrey asks, her voice laced with concern and a tinge of curiosity. A snort escapes me.

"The gang rivalry in Concord is rough. I feel like I'm walking with a sniper aimed at me constantly."

This makes Audrey look away with a frown, her lips pulled down. She returns her gaze to me.

"What do they have on you that you're so willing to oblige to this life?"

I knew she was going to ask it but I was still hoping she wouldn't. I know I can trust Audrey... but trusting someone about something as intense as a murder you've committed is a different kind of trust. And, though it shames me to admit it, I don't trust Audrey enough for that. Even if I did, the more she knows, the more I put her in danger and I refuse to let that happen.

"You know I can't tell you that." I respond and she chews on her lip, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Did you hurt someone?"

I sigh. "I'm not telling you Audrey. And I'm doing that for your benefit. All you need to know is that I'm doing what I can to protect myself. And Danté."

A sigh leaves her glossed lips and Audrey nods begrudgingly. "I know. I'm just..."

"Curious?" I say for her, cocking my head to the side, and she nods.

"Yeah."

"Don't be. I promise that you don't want to know. Trust me on that."

"I want you to know that I'm always here, no matter what Harley."

I smile gratefully at her. "I do. I can't forget it. But I don't want to talk about this with you... I want to know how things are back home. How's Caleb? And college? Have you finally gotten a job?"

A bit of a deflated look crosses over Audrey's expression as if she's disappointed I managed to change the subject so swiftly however, she still turns away and answers my question. "Caleb is great. His team made the State Championship so he's training basically fucking, like, fourteen hours a day. He's always so tired. But I know he's happy. Football is his thing just like architecture is mine."

I laugh at her words as I nod. "That's really awesome news. Tell him I say congratulations."

"I will." She responds. Audrey goes on to tell me how college is getting a lot more intense and how she has a huge assignment coming up where she has to do a model of one of the most iconic architectural designs in the world. I laugh when she complains about how nearly everyone wants to do the Eiffel Tower which is, apparently, "unoriginal as fuck" but I also feel a little despondent that I cannot relate to her. I can't complain about some huge assignment or how the characters in the book I have to read in class are stupid as shit. I can't relate anymore. I'm an outsider.

She tells me about how she got a job as a waitress but only lasted a day after telling a customer where to piss off after been rude to her. Her room is no longer white and is now a lilac color- her and Caleb had a renovating session- and now she's wanting to paint the kitchen blue.

I don't talk much, but rather listen. I let myself enjoy the normalcy of our conversation and even go as far as to pretend that I'm not being deprived of this. Eventually, we have to leave and after I bid goodbyes to Mason, I hug Audrey tightly. She squeezes me back and I breath in her sweet shampoo.

"I'm going to miss you. I wish you could come back home."

I smile sadly. "Me too Auds."

We pull apart and she smiles at me. "Please be careful. And call me. On... those temporary phones or something."

I giggle. "I will."

With one last hug, she moves over to Danté and takes him in an embrace. She says something to make him laugh before she hops into the same car as Mason, waving as she does so. I stand next to Danté as they reverse and begin travellling away from us, the car getting smaller, and I feel the illusion of my normal life slowly dissipate again.

•••
So they finally saw Audrey and Mason again... how do you feel about that? It was kinda sad writing this scene tbh... it made me realise how different Harley and Cam's lives are now. Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed the chapter. I return back to school on Monday so wish me luck- I'm gonna need it :p

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