♕Harley Anderson♕

Ray drops me back off at the house when the sun has already set and the dark sky has swept in before he leaves to go take care of other things regarding the gang. It means the world to me that he took time out of his busy- and pressured- schedule of trying to get into Jack's files to help me work through something. There's no doubt in my mind that he must have seen Danté this morning and asked why he was so crestfallen which is how he knew why I was upset. It's strange having more people care about me then I ever imagined. Once upon time, my own family didn't even.

I take a seat outside in the garden where the grass is short and very green, different kinds of flowers growing along it as a border. There's two outdoor chairs and a table in the garden, covered with an umbrella that's shut closed and I enjoy the way the moonlight shines through the gaps of the leaves hanging from trees of various sizes. It's like the trees create a barrier that protects me from the rest of the world and I could stay here all day. In this peace and harmony.

But I know that that peace is about to be disturbed when I hear Danté pull up- but only because I have explaining to do. I have things that need to be said to him. And no matter how much I choke on them, he deserves to hear them.

I hear him park the car in the spare garage before the front door opens. I hear his pause- like he always does in order to sense something out of the ordinary- before closing it shut. I keep my eyes on my feet, resting my chin on my knees that I pull up to my chest. It takes him a few minutes to reach me but by then, I already want to vomit from the nerves.

"Harley," he says in greeting, all disappointment from this morning's conversation- or lack thereof- missing, before he closes the sliding door shut behind him, "what are you doing out here?"

I look up then, enjoying the way he has black dirt spread across his cheek, no doubt from subconsciously scratching his jaw while he worked on a car. "I just needed some fresh air. I needed to clear my head." I reply and I see something like guilt flash through his eyes. Taking a seat on the cushion beside me, he rests an assuring hand on my back.

"I'm sorry about this morning." He confesses. "I understand what you're going through and if this is how you're coping, I am in no place to be judging or questioning you. It... it just hurts. That's all." He says and he forces a smile onto his face. I almost nod, I almost kiss his lips and say it's fine before getting up to go make us tea. But I know that that won't suffice. Not any more. I told myself that I would talk today.

So, instead, I shake my head. And the amount of courage a simple action like that takes is astounding because it's the first step I'm taking to opening up. To healing within myself.

"No Danté." It comes out as a shaky sigh. "You had every right to call me out like that. If anything, I needed to hear it."

My response clearly shocks him because he recoils slightly, eyebrows raised high on his forehead. I look away, focusing on the pink nail polish on my toes.

"I'm sorry for hurting you."

The weight of his gaze on my face doesn't falter and I see the way he cocks his head to the side from my peripheral.

"You haven't hurt me, Harley." He tells me with conviction but I shake my head, a grim smile plastered to my lips.

"I have. I've pushed you away. And I'm sorry for that."

He shakes his head, at a loss for words. "You don't need to apologize for that, okay? It's alright. I'm not mad." Danté makes a move to embrace me but I place a hand on his chest, pausing him from being able to do so. Swallowing hard, I say: "Please Danté. I need to do this."

He leans back, watching me carefully and I look away, swiping my tongue over my lips. "I didn't push you away because you did anything. I pushed you away because I stopped loving myself and it was incredibly hard to accept how you were still so willing to love me after what I had done. I convinced myself I didn't deserve it. And I believed it. But I was so scared... so afraid of showing you what I had become, how I'd lost myself along the way that I didn't want to open up. I just... I'm ashamed of who I am Danté. And I don't know how to juggle that shame with your unconditional love." I say through watery eyes. "My head is such a dark place and it's terrifying, so, so terrifying to be afraid of what you've become and what you're capable of. I'm scared of myself. Of what these hands will do." Lifting my hands up, I drop them back down to wrap around my legs. "The darkness is just... it's so much that I can't always see the light. I can't always see you. I just see hopelessness. And it's exhausting having to try make my way... make my way through that because I don't understand it Danté. I don't understand why I can love you when you've done what I've done but I can't love myself. I don't understand why I'm so sad. I don't understand why everything seems so dark and hopeless. How do I explain something that makes no sense to me either?" Tears stream down my face at a steady rate and when I find the courage to look at Danté, he's watching me with a set of glossy eyes and furrowed brows, lips pursed together. "And I'm sorry." I cry out. "I'm sorry for the part of me that blames you for forcing me to make that decision. I don't resent you for that day, for not wanting to pull the trigger yourself, but I'm sorry for the part of me that I can't help but let blame you. I know you have nothing to be sorry for, you've done nothing but love me, but I need to say this for myself and myself alone... I forgive you. I forgive you for making me chose you that day. I forgive you." My words come out as a choked and jumbled sentence and I don't protest against Danté's embrace this time. Instead, I collapse against him, gripping the fabric of his shirt into a tight fist as I weep for the words I've finally said. I curl into him, not trying to hold the whimpers and shaking that come with the sobs. I don't try hold back the pain.

Maybe that has been the problem the whole time. I thought that holding back the pain would be better than embracing it. But now I know how much that tears you apart inside. Embracing your pain means dealing with it and I haven't done that. I've swept it under the carpet and hoped it would disappear. But it didn't, it just piled up until broke me.

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." I mumble on a continuous loop, the words spilling from my lips like a song. Danté cradles me in his arms, rocking me back and forth gently while stroking my hair and pressing his cheek to the top of my head.

"Shh," he says softly, my sobs quieting down into whimpers. "It's okay. We're okay. We're going to get through this."

I shut my eyes tightly, tears leaking out anyway.

Pulling back a little, Danté grips my arms to support me and looks down. He looks down at me with the softest, most loving look I've ever received in my entire life and it breaks me that I haven't allowed myself to appreciate that.

"I'm not angry." He says. "I'm not mad that a part of you blames me Harley. Yes," he nods, "it hurts. It hurts that my stupidity forced you to do something that you never should've had to but I don't hate you for it. I'm not upset. That's my weight to carry, not yours. If anything... I'm happy." He says and I frown through the never ending line of tears. "I'm so happy you've spoken to me, opened up, admitted what hurt you so you can heal. I'm so proud of you." The words are said through a watery smile, a few tears of his own trickling down his face. "I just want you to have peace amado." He whispers, wiping away my tears with his thumbs. "I just want you to be happy. And that darkness... that darkness is no match for the light you have in your heart. It's okay to lose yourself sometimes. You're so strong Harley... you'll make it through this. The darkness won't win because you're not made up of light, you are light."

I lean my forehead against his, our breaths mixing and both of us crying tears for different reasons. I hold onto his forearms as he holds my face in his hands and I close my eyes, reveling in this moment of freedom that came from simply being honest.

"I love you, Danté." I murmur. "Thank you for loving me. Thank you."

He kisses my lips with a certain kind of gentleness I didn't know possible, our tears mixing as our lips meet. Pulling back, he breathes out:

"I love you more than anything Harley and there's not a single thing that could ever stop me."

•••
This chapter honestly has my whole heart...
it was another heavy one but I hope you all enjoyed reading the closure that Harley deserved and ultimately wanted throughout the whole book.
I hope you take her lessons of self-love and apply it to your daily life because self-love is SO important.
Anyway, 2020 is nearly over and I couldn't be more thankful. If you're busy writing exams at the moment, good luck! You're going to kill it :)
Thank you for all of the support.
Ps- we have less than 10 chapters left before the end <3

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