I happily ate my Kare-Kare, but I still can't help but to get anxious so bad. Pakiramdam ko Fallon's just around the vicinity, and even though my bodyguards are around... even Uno, I just can't wrap it around my head.

I just... I just can't help but to be scared.

"You're still shaking..." I tried to force a smile while Uno was holding my hand. Uno sighed, stood up and pulled his chair and sat beside me. He was still holding my hand while I use the other to feed myself. Uno even wanted to feed me, but that's kinda too much already. I wasn't okay emotionally, but I wasn't disabled either.

I can still manage myself.

My mind's just in a complete haywire thinking how easy it is for Fallon to completely disorient me just with that. Ilang taon na rin naman... I mean, I even confronted him a few weeks back. Pero bakit gano'n? Bakit parang instead na maging ayos ako lalo, bakit parang lalo akong umuurong?

Parang lagi na lang akong hinihila ng nakaraan kahit gustong-gusto ko nang kalimutan lahat.

"Balik na ba tayo ng school?" Uno nodded habang tinutulungan akong ayusin 'yung pinagkainan ko. I have always practiced CLAYGO ever since—I mean it should be practiced by everyone. I'd really throw a fit if they'd reason out na tinatanggalan ng trabaho 'yung mga nagtatrabaho sa restaurants, when in fact, pinapadali no'n 'yung trabaho nila.

It's not bad to think about others' welfare.

But that doesn't mean you can sacrifice yours.

Wow. Funny how I sound hypocrite.

"Ako na," he uttered, taking my books from my arms bago hinawakan nang mahigpit 'yung kamay ko. I wanted to protest but Uno leaned his head sideways, pursing his lips and then smiling a little bago inayos ang pagkakasukbit ng bag ko sa balikat ko. "Your books might fall. Nanginginig pa rin kamay mo." Sinubukan kong ngitian si Uno, pero natawa naman siya. He pinched both of my cheeks using his thumb and index finger, at nginitian ako.

Napangiti tuloy ako—trying to suppress the fact that his touches still send me shocks all over my body, as if he was a grounded metal.

He looked like danger, though he's the kind where I'd still willingly take risks just so I could get closer.

Ewan ko. Is this already bad for my health? My heart keeps on pounding and pounding as if anytime I'd be diagnosed with tachycardia.

"Ang ganda mo pag nakangiti," sabi niya. "Sana nakangiti ka na lang lagi."

I crinkled my nose, "Hindi ko na talaga alam kung sa'n mo napupulot mga sinasabi mo." Natawa naman siya lalo sa sinabi ko. Binitiwan na niya 'yung pagkakahawak sa pisngi ko bago kami pumasok sa kotse niya. Thank God, I wasn't shaking as bad as kanina. I was already considering if I'd see our family physician just so maybe he could prescribe calming medicine, but... I don't know.

"Uno," I muttered.

"Hm?"

"You think it'd be good if I asked our family physician for Benzodiazepines?" I said. "It's... a short term-period treatment for anxiety. Maybe... maybe it could help."

Uno took a quick glance before he held my left hand using his right one while the other was on the steering wheel, and then he smiled, "I hope you won't feel offended, Bran, but have you ever tried to talk to a Psychiatrist?"

I shook my head.

"I can't," I said. "You know."

Uno sighed, "Alam ba ng family physician mo kung ano'ng nangyari?"

"I guess so," I said. "He talked to me one time when I had a panic attack if I wanted him to set an appointment for me with a psychiatrist. He said no one will know... but I doubt na they wouldn't know. I just couldn't hide anything from this family."

"The fuck," he whispered. "How about your Lolo?"

I bit my lip.

"What he knows is that Anna appointed me a personal psych... It never really happened. They just sent him fake medical results as if I was getting better from the trauma. Guess what? I'm not. I'm still not, I don't know if I'll ever be," I answered, laughing. "She really hates me that much talaga siguro. She just... wanted me to suffer... well I guess she won on that part. Every day's just a fucking torture, and I have to pretend that I'm fine so nobody will know. It's sad Uno... It's just too painful."

I wanted to ask him one thing.

I didn't know if it was the right thing to do, but I just did anyway.

"Will you still stay even when I'm not myself?"

I was just so scared of being left alone.

He looked at me intently—the red light on cue.

And then he smiled.

"Even if I have to fight your demons, myself. I'll do it. Just so you won't lose yourself," he said. Nag-green na 'yung traffic light kaya ibinalik na niya 'yung tingin niya sa daan—but I did notice how his eyes got red, as if he's on the verge of crying. "My aunt is a Psychiatrist... I won't force you in this Brandi. But you can try—we'll try."

"Okay," I answered, smiling.

"Okay?"

I nodded, "We'll try," I said. "I can't... I can't let them fuck me up over and over again, Uno. I'm tired of running."

"Besides... I trust you."

He smiled.

"You know what... You make my heart ache," he said. "In a good way. I don't know if that's even possible, Brandi. But you just... give me that feeling."

I smiled.

"You think it's not the same for me?" I said, chuckling. "Oh, you don't know how bad my sleeping routine has become."

Uno clicked his tongue, "Well that doesn't mean you have to sacrifice one thing," he said. "Sleep on time you dumbo."

I chuckled, "I do sleep on time!" I argued. "I was fooling around... besides, ang dami kayang requirements!"

He tss-ed and was about to let go of my hand pero mabilis kong hinila pabalik 'yung kamay niya. I wanted to laugh as I look at him kasi he was trying his best not to smile! Nakakunot 'yung noo niya, pero halatang pinipigilan lang niyang ngumiti.

Sobrang cute.

"Sorry na, aba," I apologized, trying to look cute. "As if naman you sleep on time rin..."

He groaned, "Fine. You win," he said. "But don't stress yourself too much. I know we're both in grad school and things should really be taken seriously, because this literally determines our future... but please... rest too."

I smiled.

And without even thinking twice, I leaned and kissed his cheek.

"Brandi!"

I chuckled.

"Thank you."

"You're really gonna give me heart attacks, babe," he said, glancing at me before looking back at the road.

"Is it bad already?"

He laughed, "I don't know. I'm getting glad if I'd have one because of you."

I pouted, "I'll be on Neuro, not Cardiothoracic..."

He shrugged, "Then find a cure for me because I just can't stop thinking about you."

Where's he even getting all of these?!

***

Pagkabalik namin sa school, I suddenly felt the urge to wallow. I almost forgot na moving exam nga pala namin ngayon sa Anatomy, tapos pakiramdam ko parang lumipad na lahat ng inaral ko. Goodness gracious, if Uno wasn't there to calm my nerves, I'd probably fail this one.

Sobrang nerve-wrecking talaga kahit ilang beses na'kong nakapag-moving exam during premed days. Idagdag mo pa 'yung ruling ng prof na erasure means wrong? Kaya kahit na-pre-pressure ka na talaga, kailangan i-clear mo pa rin 'yung state of mind mo, kundi babagsak ka. Walang pero-pero.

I heaved a deep breathe in bago pumunit ng dalawang sheet sa ½ lengthwise na yellow paper at saka 'yun binalik sa loob ng bag ko. Parang mas lalo lang akong kinakabahan habang ni-nu-numberan 'yung papel ko hanggang 105. Pagkatapos kong masulatan 'yung papel ko, pumikit muna ako saglit. I didn't try to recall the lessons kasi mas lumalaki 'yung chance na ma-mental block ako. Kaya as much as possible, before examinations or quizzes talaga, dapat ready ako.

As I was trying to relax, biglang nag-vibrate 'yung phone ko kaya mabilis kong kinuha 'yun mula sa pocket ko. I smiled upon seeing Uno's name on the notification screen.

Uno

Good luck on your moving exam, Bran. Don't reply, haha.

I wanted to hide my smile so bad, pero nakita pa rin ng mga kaklase ko. Natawa tuloy sila habang nakatingin sa'kin. Alam ko naman na kapag nangingiti talaga ako sobrang evident kahit subukan kong pigilan, kaya hinayaan ko na lang din kasabay ng pang-aasar nila sa'kin.

"Baka naman ma-perfect mo na 'yung moving exam niyan, Brandi," Amelia said. Natawa na lang din ako sa sinabi niya. "By the way, second year ka pa magte-take ng boards 'no?"

I nodded. I wasn't sure of medschool back then so I was contemplating on taking the boards--besides, some professors advised me rin na it's good to take the boards during second year since most of the subjects cover former professional courses from medtech.

Couple of minutes after, tinawag na rin kami ng prof namin. Pinapasok muna kami para iwanan 'yung bag namin sa cabinets, tapos lumabas ulit. Nakikipag-asaran pa si Doc sa amin no'ng makita namin 'yung papers na nakataob. Pumila na kami following the chronological arrangement of our surnames. Kinakabahan pa rin ako habang nakahawak sa ballpen at dalawang papel na nasa kamay ko, pero medyo kumakalma na rin.

Pagkapasok namin ng room napapikit na lang ako.

Oh God, ito na.

The moment the bell rang, mabilis kong iniangat 'yung test question mula sa pagkakataob. Medyo nahilo pa'ko sa numbering kasi hindi naman ako nag-umpisa sa first four questions. I couldn't even blink dahil baka makalimutan ko kung anong number ang sinasagutan ko.

"Okay..." I whispered to myself after I finished answering—medyo nalito pa'ko dahil ang hirap kaagad ng questions since I had to name some parts of the upper extremities of the skeleton. Pagkatunog ng bell, tahimik kaming lahat na lumipat sa next station—only the sound of papers, immediate writings of our pens and the sliding of our shoes could be heard.

After the exam, I was confident enough to answer every question, pero medyo alanganin din. Lagi namang gano'n ang pakiramdam kapag nag-mo-moving exam. 50/50 talaga lagi.

Ang mahalaga na-surive ko. 'Yun lang 'yun.

Nakipagkuwentuhan muna ako saglit sa mga kaklase ko bago kinuha 'yung bag ko mula sa cabinet. Alas sais pa ang klase ni Uno kaya sabi niya mag-stay muna raw kami sa third floor habang nagre-review din siya. Nagpaalam na'ko sa kanila before I rushed down the stairs. May elevator naman 'tong building, pero nakakahilo kasi kapag nage-elevator lagi, tsaka, nasa fifth floor lang naman ako. I needed the small exercise because that moving exam made my legs all wobbly.

"How's the exam?" I was all smiles when I saw Uno—nawala lahat ng frustrations ko from the exam and from the encounter a while ago. I don't know what's with him... pero maybe it's like what they all say...

Just because.

"Same old, same old. Frustrating pa rin," sabi ko. "At least I survived... 'di ba?"

Uno laughed, "I'm sure you'd ace it."

Napangiti na lang ako sa sinabi ni Uno. Magsasalita pa lang sana ako pero biglang nag-vibrate ang phone ko kaya mabilis kong kinuha 'yun sa bulsa ko.

Holy—

"What happened?"

"D-decision... it'll be out tomorrow."

Napakunot naman ng noo si Uno, "With Alex's case? Ang bilis naman?"

I chuckled.

"You know what they can do," I said, bitterly.

Napailing na lamang si Uno sa sinabi ko.

***

I was sure enough that the court decision would be aired on televisions—Alex wasn't just a student. She was one of the brightest, sobrang dami na niyang achievements in and out of the country—still, their family didn't want her for Ali. Ewan ko ba. Isinumpa na yata ni Franchesca na ako at si Chen lang ang pwedeng maging asawa ng mga anak niya.

Gosh. The audacity of this money-loving bitch.

Ni hindi ko na nga alam kung saan kumukuha ng kapal ng mukha 'tong babaeng 'to. Sobrang nakakapanisi na at some point I really liked her as a person, only for her to end up like everyone else in our circle—messed up.

I wouldn't even deny. We couldn't escape the trap. We're all messed up in our own ways.

Tahimik lang ako habang nakatingin sa labas ng van. My driver loves the morning news from the radio, but I had him change it to a music radio since everyone just keeps on talking about the case.

It was an obvious case, anyway.

What they'll never know is what really happened and how Alex is connected to the Juarez.

Pagkarating namin ng RTC 46, mabilis na gumilid 'yung mga tao sa labas ng court. The rush of sadness immediately enveloped me as I stare at Alex's former classmates, holding placards of anger, seeking for justice that never seem to exist in this country.

"Ma'am?" I nodded at Gio and wore my glasses. Mabilis na bumaba si Gio ng van at pinagbuksan ako. My bodyguards were quick to block the people and the cameras kaya mabilis akong nakapasok ng RTC. Napairap na lang ako nang dumating na rin si Anna.

"Media might take it differently na hindi tayo sabay, stepdaughter," she audibly whispered after shaking hands with the presiding Judge.

"Wouldn't take an effort to do some reroute just so we could pick you up from the firm, Anna," I said, looking at her. "Besides, what would they say against you? Binabayaran niyo naman silang lahat." I immediately left Anna—I didn't even have to take a quick glance just to know if she was fuming already. I just knew.

"Chen..." I called, resting my hand on her shoulder. There's still no sign of a bulge on her tummy, but just looking at her, it was evident that she was indeed pregnant. "Where's Ali?"

"Here." Nginitian ko si Ali nang akbayan niya si Chen. Kahit itago niya pa sa transition glasses niya, halata pa rin na puffy 'yung mga mata niya. "You all ready to hear how shitty they'd win this case?"

I laughed.

"No involvement but getting that guy in jail would mean that they're still in the lead," he said. "I'm just getting tired of all this fiasco..."

"I though you'll be migrating to Seattle?"

He nodded.

"After this shit is settled," he said. "I'm so fed up with them already. I just want to start anew."

We chatted for a few more minutes bago pumasok sa loob. Sobrang daming media sa loob, akala mo shooting lang ng movie. Tahimik lang akong nakinig sa kanilang lahat, hanggang sa naging ruling.

Guilty.

I knew everybody cheered upon hearing that.

One thing they never knew is that—he was just a pawn.

***

Few weeks after Alex's murderer was jailed, Ali became even more unstable. Kahapon nga sana 'yung flight nila papuntang Seattle, but Ali's panic attacks became worse. Natatakot na rin ako para kay Chen dahil masyado na rin siyang na-i-stress... buntis pa naman 'yung tao.

As I was reading my notes at the library, nabigla na lang ako nang biglang mag-ring ang phone ko. Mabilis akong napatayo nang makita ang pangalan ni Chen sa phone ko.

"Bran, why?"

"It's Chen..."

I immediately answered the call while packing my stuff, tinulungan na rin ako ni Uno na mag-ayos ng gamit bago nagmamadaling lumabas ng library.

"B-Bran... please help me... hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko..."

"We're on our way, please, stop crying. 'Yung baby niyo..."

"W-what happened?"

"It's Ali... meltdown." Napapikit at napailing na lang si Uno. We immediately rushed to their home. Tinawagan ko na rin sila Dash para humingi ng tulong. Sila lang kasi 'yung nakakapagpakalma kay Ali.

"Chen! Oh my God!" Nagpa-panic akong tumakbo papunta sa kaniya pagkapasok namin ng bahay nila. Ali was sulking in one corner... habang nakaupo si Chen.

She was bleeding.

Tears immediately fell down from my eyes upon seeing her on that state. She wasn't saying anything... Mabilis naman siyang binuhat ni Dash at isinakay sa kotse.

"C-Chen... Chen."

"Bran... save Ali, please. I don't want to see him like that." Mabilis akong napalingon kila Ali. He already passed out from all the crying he did... God...

Why do we have to ruin ourselves so much?

Mabilis kaming pumunta sa pinakamalapit na ospital. I was beyond grateful dahil sobrang lapit lang ng St. Luke's sa bahay nila ni Ali kaya mabilis din silang nai-admit. Chen had to undergo blood transfusion... and surgery.

It was too late to save the baby.

"You're... you're gonna blame me for all of this, right?"

I sighed, "It wasn't your fault, Ali," I said.

Ali bit his lip, his fingers digging on his palms kaya mabilis kong hinawakan 'yung kamay niya para pakalmahin siya.

"I-I lost myself, Bran... I keep on losing myself, pakiramdam ko wala nang natitira sa'kin," he whispered, his lips quivering. He couldn't even speak properly dahil iyak lang siya nang iyak.

"And then now I'm losing them, too..."

"You're not losing, Chen, Ali... she loves you..."

"Bran... I stressed her too much. Do you think she'd come back after what happened?"

Ngumiti ako kahit pilit.

"Let her rest... for a while. You get rest too, the both of you need that."

"But I'll be willing to let her go, Bran... Hindi ko kaya kung mamahalin niya ako pero ni hindi ko nga mabuo 'yung sarili ko. I can't let her fill that void for me, because if we'll keep on doing that... baka pareho lang kaming maubos."

Napapikit ako saglit. Hinayaang tumulo ang luha mula sa mga mata ko.

"I can't let her love me if I'm too wrecked, Brandi... That's unfair. Love shouldn't be unfair."

"That's why they've always been unfair to us," I said. "Because they never loved us..." I wiped the tears from my cheeks, pero tulo pa rin nang tulo 'yung mga luha ko. Hindi ko mapigilan. Napayuko na lang ako.

Ito na naman ako, umiiyak.

Nakakapagod na talaga.

"It wasn't your fault, Ali... Don't let her go." Napalingon ako kay Uno nang marinig ko ang boses niya. Nginitian niya lang ako. "Hindi mo kailangang iwanan 'yung tao. Hanapin mo ang sarili mo, pero 'wag mong hayaan na mawala siya, sa'yo pati sa sarili niya, habang hinahanap mo 'yung sarili mo. You do it together, not alone. 'Yun ang pagmamahal."