Smile, Brandi.

Show them you're okay.

The flashes of cameras were blinding as I walk down the podium after my speech. Ang sakit na ng panga ko kakangiti, but I had to endure it all not unless I wanted to be in the tabloids just like a cousin of mine who was reported for his temper. He's probably getting an earful from my uncles already—when our families get involved in scandals it also meant getting a lower trust rate from the public.

The occasion was supposed to be private—it was our graduation for Pete's sake, but Lolo, my dear Lolo, found it as an opportunity to show himself in front of the cameras as the humble Vice President of the Philippines since he's attending his granddaughter's graduation. Whether it was just for publicity or whatnot, I was still glad though... I understand the intention naman, and I was a little less lonely since someone with my blood was here. I didn't want to be lonely just because my Dad couldn't show up. I know he has reasons but I'm still a daughter expecting her dad to come... it's probably valid to feel this way.

"Congratulations, apo," he says like the proud grandfather he is and pulled me for a hug followed by more flashes of cameras. He's probably boasting about my general weighted average to his cabinet members during their dinners when I told him I was the valedictorian for this year, and I was the first valedictorian in my degree program in Medical Technology. He's probably that proud after tons of tabloids talking ill about some of my cousins from the Jerardos. Ewan ko ba kung sa'n nila nakukuha 'yung guts to become sensational image-wreckers. I can't even find it in me to do what I want without their approval.

Because it's easier for them to instill fear.

"What's next after you graduate? Will you take the boards early?" I shrugged. Hindi ko talaga alam kung ano'ng plano ko after this. I know how angry my classmates are after I was declared the valedictorian. I was homeschooled for two years, but I attended classes with them online! I even took my examinations synchronous with them and had a proctor by my side. I didn't cheat my way to where I am now... I was just caged.

And I didn't know how to explain it that way without getting scared.

"I'm still thinking about it po," I uttered politely. "Will you not be mad, Lo, if I take Medschool?

Lolo sighed—probably disappointed—because it has always been expected for us to take after them, "Well I can't force it on you to take Law school, anyway. Just do what you want to do."

For them it's either we become politicians or lawyers.

I didn't want that.

I smiled.

A few minutes after being recognized, Lolo decided to leave the occasion, so he was escorted by his guards at sumama rin 'yung stepmother ko. I wanted to walk him outside, but he refused since disrespectful daw and he didn't want to bother the graduation anymore. 'Di niya lang alam sobrang stressed ng organizers nang malaman na pupunta pala si Lolo kaya inayos talaga nila 'yung venue.

Pagkatapos ng graduation, ang dami pa ring media outlets sa labas kaya sumasakit na 'yung ulo ko kasi kaliwa't kanan 'yung interviews. Tapos mababasa ko lang naman sa Facebook na wala silang pakealam sa buhay ko.

"Brandi," Anna called when the journalists finally left and handed me a box of a limited-edition bag that I have been eyeing ever since Anna decided to let go of me after two years of manipulation and threats.

Funny how I can just laugh over it. Defense mechanism siguro.

"Happy?" Dad asks when he called through the phone.

I frowned, "You said you were going," I said, my tone laced with sadness. My father's the head of one of the biggest agricultural corporations in the country. He's always been involved with the business so he's always away from home—bibisita lang kapag walang business trips. He's practically staying in Japan since forever and I only get to see him occasionally kaya nalungkot ako no'ng sinabi niyang hindi siya matutuloy since may meetings sa Dubai.

If only, he probably just didn't want to see Lolo.

Dad sighed, "I'm sorry, love. I was really planning to go home, but there were too many conflicts," he reasoned out. "Babawi ako, promise."

Napa-buntonghininga ako.

Enough with the promises. Pakiramdam ko sobrang gasgas na kung hindi naman ginagawa.

"Congratulations, bestie!" Nagulat ako nang biglang yumakap sa'kin si Chen, my dear cousin, and few of the people I'd consider my close friends. "They didn't want to let me in!"

I chuckled, "Sorry, it was probably security."

Umirap si Chen, "Hello? My dad's the President," she says. "I wanted to take pictures of you on the podium," she added, frowning. It probably sounds absurd to hear that two related families earned the two highest positions in the land but that's just how it really turned out for us. Our families have always been in politics and worked hard to earn the trust of the public until they were able to reach their dreams.

For them, it's the positions or nothing. Wala naman daw kasing maayos na pera sa ibang field. 

"They'll probably post a lot of it on SNS," I reasoned out. To make up for her, hinila ko na lang si Chen at nagpa-picture sa photobooth kasama 'yung iba kong kaklase. There were some of them that were kind enough to me—and I was already grateful for that. Ayaw ko na ng drama. If people don't like me because of my surname, I just let them be.

Chen still had classes kaya nauna na siya, and some of my classmates have different schedules with their family kaya kami na lang nila Anna ang natira sa parking lot. Nagulat na lang ako nang bigla niya akong hawakan sa pulsuhan at hilahin papasok ng comfort room—her grip was hurting me, but I couldn't even complain.

I never had the chance to complain.

It has always been about them.

Not me.

I don't even own my life.

"Why couldn't you let your Dad come home?" Anna, who played as the loving stage mother suddenly changed to someone you'd never want to disobey. She's scary. Halos lahat na yata ng nakapalibot sa'min, takot sa kaniya. Napakagat na lang ako ng labi habang sinusubukang patigilin ang panginginig ng kamay ko.

She's always been fear, personified.

Maybe that's why Dad never liked returning home. Living with her is a nightmare. I was only fifteen when they got married, but I overheard he only married Anna because he didn't want to handle the firm or study Law.

"I... I tried, okay? Narinig mo naman 'di ba na nasa Dubai siya? Ikaw 'yung asawa, bakit sa'kin ka nagagalit?" I reasoned out—even when I was stuttering so bad. I have always feared my stepmother. That never really changed. Pero wala akong magawa kasi literal na trophy wife siya—they can't dispose of her because she's that useful, to the point of turning a blind eye with all the abuse I've received from her. She heads our firm and has always been the composed wife ever since she married my father.

I don't want to fear her. I never wanted to. But the past few years of my life have been nothing but torture... I can't even last a day without breaking down and asking why they kept me alive.

I'm pretty much sure they can just ask someone to kill me.

But they can't because I keep their beloved surnames on the high pedestal where it has always been—because I'm a coward.

Anna's expression suddenly changed when someone barged into the comfort room—realizing she forgot to lock the door. Gusto kong tumawa. Sana nag-apply na lang siyang actress kasi bagay siyang maging artista. Ang galing niyang umarte.

I took the chance to leave Anna. Kung hindi pa'ko lumabas do'n, malamang mag-pa-panic attack na naman ako—and it was the least I'd want to happen on my graduation day. I was supposed to be happy today! It was my graduation—bakit kailangang lagi niyang sirain 'yung kasiyahan ko?

Kasi hindi niya ako anak? It was her choice to marry my Dad—and marrying my dad meant accepting me as her daughter, but did she ever do that?

No.

I don't even think she even treats me as a human.

God, If I was given a chance to exchange all that I possess now, I'd give them all in a heartbeat just so I could have a peaceful life.

Because I never had one.

I'd always have to put them first before myself because I had something to protect. That's what they've always taught me. Of course, there's a price I had to pay—I could get anything I'd want but lose myself in return.

I left Anna without a word and asked Gio to drive me to a friend's house. I didn't know where to go... pakiramdam ko tinatakasan ako ng bait kapag kasama ko si Anna. I just wanted to breathe without anyone taking away that right from me.

"Bran!" Zach, my friend, greeted when he saw me in front of their family house. Sinubukan kong ngumiti... I tried so hard to smile in front of him, but my tears started to betray me kaya hinayaan ko na lang. Napa-buntonghininga na lang si Zach at niyakap ako habang tinatapik ang likod ko, "Lagi na lang ba kitang makikitang umiiyak?"

I kept silent as I cry. Zach probably wanted to ask what happened, but he chose to stay silent hanggang sa huminahon ako.

"Uminom ka muna," he says, offering me a glass of water which I gladly took from him bago siya umupo sa harapan ko, "Anna?"

I slowly nodded, "Sorry... sorry napuno lang talaga ako," sambit ko. "She was blaming me kasi hindi nakauwi si daddy... maybe she was disappointed and ashamed kasi siguro sinabi niya sa mga amigas niya na pupunta si daddy."

Zach sighed, "Did she hurt you again?"

I slowly shook my head, "It wasn't that bad... she just pulled me badly that's why it bruised," I say showing him my wrist. "I can just hide it with a concealer." 

"Until when will you hide those bruises with a concealer, Brandi?" Zach placed his hand on his nape when Uno suddenly barged into the conversation. "I don't think they really work in hiding them."

I scoffed, "Can you give me peace, Uno? The least I want to hear is your so-called advice today," I lashed out, which surprised me and Zach. Uno's a close friend of Zach's—and the vocalist of their band. Their band is great, and he's a good singer, but I never really found it in me to be close to him when I'm close with the other members ever since I was a kid. I can consider him an acquaintance... yes. But sometimes he's just too straightforward that it pisses me off.

He's unbelievable.

I sighed, "Sorry... I didn't mean to yell," I said. "Just leave us alone, okay?"

"Brandi nothing will ever happen if you'll be scared for a lifetime," Uno says. "Until when will you succumb to those fears? Walang mangyayari sa'yo kung tatakbuhan mo lang 'yan."

My eyes start to tear up as I look at Uno.

Alam ko, Uno.

Pero sinubukan mo ba'kong intindihin?

"Do you never really get the gravity of my situation, Uno?" I asked. "Akala mo ba madali sa'kin, 'to?"

He shook his head in disbelief.

"Drama mo masiyado," he said without even thinking twice before walking away from us. I looked up to stop the tears from coming down, pero kusa na lang din silang tumulo.

"Grabe ang drama ko yata talaga," natatawa kong sambit habang pinupunasan ang pisngi ko.

"Sorry for what Uno said... I'll talk to him."

I smiled and shook my head, "He's probably just lashing it on me with what happened with him and his girlfriend. I understand," I say. "I just... really have to be the big guy lang 'no?"

"I don't tolerate Uno, Brandi. Just so you know," he said. "But I promise I'd make him understand your situation."

Natawa ako, "He doesn't really have to if he already knows and still acts rude like that," I uttered. "He probably just hates me for being too mum."

Uno and I... we're not really on good terms, but not really to the point that we'd fight each other every day. Casual naman kami minsan, kaso masiyado siyang prangka sa buhay dahil 'yun yata ang goal niya in life kaya medyo distant din ako sa kaniya... hindi naman sa hindi ko tanggap 'yung pagkaprangka niya, pero minsan kasi sobrang offending na talaga. I'm sure Zach and his bandmates do not tolerate him when his attitude gets the best of him, pero naiintindihan ko rin naman talaga 'yung side niya.

Ako naman kasi talaga 'yung nagpapadaig sa takot.

Pero ayaw ko naman talagang matakot.

Kaso ano'ng magagawa kung tatapangan ko tapos sila rin 'yung mapapahamak?

I have to weigh a lot of decisions just to be alive. 

"That guy's a law student, if he doesn't learn how to be empathetic, he'd end up becoming one of the worsts."

I chuckled, "Not at you talking shit about your friend."

"Brandi, you know how I never tolerated my friends when they do something against my morals," he says. "I'll talk to him."

I smiled and nodded, "Fine. Talk to him for me," I say before checking my wristwatch. "I probably need to go home already."

Zach asked to accompany me back to the car, but I refused na lang kasi masyado ko na siyang naistorbo. Sa labas lang din naman 'yung sasakyan kaya hindi ko na lang din siya pinasunod. When I got outside, Uno was still there.

I sighed.

"Brandi."

I turned around in disbelief when he called me, "What?"

"Congrats," he says looking at me. "We're not enemies, Brandi. I hope you know that."

I tried to smile, "Sometimes what you say hurts me."

He closed the book he was reading and walked toward me, "If no one tells you to fight, then who will?"

I sighed.

"Maybe it's just easy for you to say that because you never really tried placing yourself in my shoes," I uttered before stepping into the car, forcing myself not to cry over a dumb conversation.