"Uy, ayos ka lang?" Nagulat ako nang bigla akong tapikin ni Amelia at umupo sa harapan ko kasabay ni Tims. Simula no'ng nag-change na kami ng rotation at napunta na kami sa OB-GYN, nabago rin kami ng sched. Duty AM na kaming lahat... Sanay naman na sa gano'ng shift, pero 'di ko lang kasi masyadong ma-grasp ang OB rotations, contrasting lang siguro kasi sa neuro.

'Di ko rin maalis sa isip ko 'yung sinabi ni Chen... hindi ko rin alam kung sasabihin ko ba kay Uno, o kung alam na rin niya. Ang gulo kasi, feel ko wala rin akong naiintindihan sa nangyayari... parang ayaw mag-sink in. I couldn't process everything...

"Huy, Bran..."

"Ah," I uttered in shock. Amelia and Tims looked at me with concern written all over their faces. Napa-buntonghininga na lang ako. "Sorry... medyo marami lang iniisip."

"Okay ka lang ba? Ilang araw ka na kayang nags-space out..."

I sighed. Again.

"Ang lalim ha," Amelia uttered. "May problema ba kayo ng asawa mo? Titirisin ko 'yun kung inaway ka, legit."

"Baliw," sambit ko at medyo natawa. "Okay lang kami ni Uno. Si Chen kasi..."

"Ano meron sa pinsan mo? 'Di ba nasa Seattle na sila ngayon?"

I nodded, "Uuwi na raw sila," I said. "Ewan... 'di ko na alam. Masyadong complicated kung ike-kwento ko."

"I mean... we've got plenty of time naman, Bran," Tims said, swirling his fork on his plate of pasta. "I can even cancel this meet up with this Grindr guy if you need us. Seriously, you have to talk to someone... sobrang lala ng space out mo, girl."

I chuckled, "Gano'n na ba kalala?"

They nodded.

Napa-buntonghininga na naman ako at napasandal na lang sa upuan. "Ang hirap kasi, e... Pero sana maintindihan niyo. I'm not just an ordinary citizen... my bodyguards are everywhere even if I'm working," I said. "The world where I belong to is very different... and ayaw ko nang madamay pa kayo sa problema ko."

Amelia smiled and held my hand, "We respect that, Brandi," she said. "But whatever's going on, promise nandito lang kami. Okay?"

"Gaga, ano ba 'yan. 'Wag ka ngang umiyak! Para namang tanga 'to. Sabi ko dapat iiyak lang tayo kapag pumasa na tayo, e!" Mabilis na tumayo si Tims at niyakap ako. Parang tanga lang akong umiiyak do'n at tumatawa habang nakayakap silang dalawa sa'kin.

"Thank you..." I whispered. "Thank you so much..."

"There are things you can't tell, and we understand that, Brandi. Hindi biro 'yung mundo mo. Naiintindihan namin 'yun. Pero kung gusto mo lang umiyak, nandito lang kami para yakapin ka," Amelia uttered habang tinatapik ang balikat ko. "Sobrang dami na nating iniyakan sa medschool... Nandito lang din kami para sa'yo, katulad ng iba. Lahat kami gusto namin na maging masaya ka."

I smiled.

"Just tell me if I have to cancel the Grindr guy," Tims said. "Gals before penpals."

Natawa naman ako at pabirong pinalo si Tims. Natawa na lang kaming lahat.

"We're always here Bran."

I nodded.

"Thank you."

We went on and finished our bowl of pasta bago kami na-page ni Doktora—buti na lang nakakain na kami. 'Di naman naging hectic 'yung sched since isa lang 'yung nag-deliver, the rest puro pelvic exams tsaka patient counseling na lang.

"Surgery ka tutuloy for residency, Bran. 'Di ba?" I nodded habang binubuksan 'yung pack ng ice cream na binili namin sa canteen. "Matatapos na 'tong intership natin, hanggang ngayon 'di ko pa rin sure kung ano gagawin ko. Baka mag-moonlighting muna ako," natatawa niyang sabi.

Napangiti naman ako, "'Di naman 'to unahan... pero wala ka pa ring maisip?"

She shrugged, "Parang gusto ko kasi mag-volunteer doctor sa Probinsya, tapos magtuturo rin ako ng music sa mga bata. Ang saya siguro no'n," she said with a smile.

I paused for a while. "Gusto mo sumama ako?"

"Baliw!" she exclaimed, laughing. "Tumuloy ka na lang agad sa residency mo, surgery 'yan. Sayang din..."

We both fell into silence as we finish our ice cream sticks. 'Di ko rin mabe-blame si Amelia... I mean Med sucks all the time that you have, sobrang nakaka-burnout din most of the time—and that isn't even a reason for people to blame us why we chose the profession.

We certainly love what we're doing but... we're humans, afterall—trying to save others. Their lives are on our hands, and it demands a lot from you.

Sometimes, you also get tired, too. It's normal... so I don't really understand why people blame us for expressing our sentiments—because seriously, you can love what you're doing and also get tired.

I yawned and slouched—the coldness of the waiting chair touching my skin—medyo nagising tuloy ako habang inuubos 'yung ice cream ko. Malamig sa hallways, pero mas malamig naman 'yung upuan.

"Amelia... do what you want," I said out of the blue. "Whatever makes you happy, just do it. Don't let the idea of others cage you."

She smiled at me and leaned her head on my shoulder. Sakto namang dumating si Tims na kakabihis lang. Nag-shower pa kasi dahil may date raw.

"Uy, Bran. 'Di mo ba nakita 'yung drummer ng Apostrophe noon. Ano na nga ulit pangalan no'n?"

"H-ha? Si Kuya Kirk?"

Tims snapped his finger, "Oo 'yun," he said. "Kasama niya asawa niya kanina, nasa Pedia yata kanina kasi nilalagnat 'yung anak nila."

"Ah... okay," I uttered and finished my ice cream. Naka-slouch pa rin ako—grabe, ang therapeutic kapag naka-slouch ka lang tapos wala ka nang iniisip na gagawin kasi tapos naman na 'yung shift mo.

"Hindi mo pupuntahan?"

"Hindi," I said. "We all have our personal lives already. You know... they're still watching me. Ayaw ko nang idamay na ulit sila sa buhay ko."

I wasn't exactly detaching—nag-uusap pa rin naman kaming lahat minsan. I just didn't want to meddle with their personal lives anymore. Besides, they're still watching us—if I still make them choose sides, that'd be too selfish of me already.

They all have their own lives already—they're not of the public anymore. They stopped the band and compromised because they all just wanted to settle down and end the drama.

And a life with me? With my existence? It's a bullshit ton of dramas—never-ending. Non-stop.

Uno chose to deal with it. He knew the consequences of marrying me... besides, we can handle each other. We're family already...

But the rest of them? I can't let them handle that all again... that'd be too selfish of us already.

Uno had to work overnight at their firm kaya sila Gio ang naghatid sa'kin pauwi. I was browsing through the news nang mapatigil ako sa isang headline.

"Gio, you still remember the UP Student who died, right?" He looked at me through the mirror and nodded. "Her family committed suicide."

Uno was right... they'll never be able to carry the burden of getting paid for their silence.

Even then...

I closed my tab atsaka tinago iyon sa loob ng bag. Bigla namang tumunog 'yung phone ko kaya mabilis kong sinagot.

"Bran. You've probably seen the news."

"Yes," I said.

"It wasn't mass hysteria, or family suicide. They killed them."

I bit my lower lip, "Chen..."

"You know them, Bran. They had to tone down the news about Alex. Why would they commit suicide because of financial issues? They were being fed by the Juarez."

I paused, "Go on..."

"Nasa Pilipinas na kami, Brandi. If we wouldn't come home... nobody will even know if we're still alive back there," she said. "Trust me... please."

I sighed. Their life was probably just an either or—either they kill themselves because they sold their daughter, or they also receive the same fate as hers.

This is why those who don't have the privileges don't hold their lives. The privileged hold theirs.

And it's so messed up because as much as I want to come clean... it still feels that I am one of their accessories to their crimes. I can't fight for the voiceless...

I keep on trying to fight for myself, for us... when others are also taking the fall for it.

"Brandi... please. Ang dami nang nawawala dahil sa'tin. Dahil sa katahimikan natin. Lumaban na tayo."

I stayed silent for a couple of seconds.

"Where are you?"

"Sa bahay namin sa Paranaque," she said.

"I'll come there. Whatever your plan would be, I'm on it."

***

Halos maga-alas diyes na no'ng makarating ako sa bahay nila Chen. Sobrang traffic din kasi mula do'n sa hospital na pinagta-trabahuhan ko.

"Cry—Uno?" I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw Uno talking with Ali. I shook my head in disbelief habang naglalakad patungo sa kanila. "You know?"

He sighed, "I'm sorry..."

"No... it's okay. I'm just a little shocked," I said and smiled a little. "Don't worry."

Ali smiled at us, "I'm sorry Uno didn't tell you... we were already conducting an investigation, even before we came here, with a private investigator. We all don't have to worry, he's my friend, and they already have a lead on the information about my family."

"Your family?"

He nodded.

"I think we have to dig deep on this one," he said. "My fake parents never really made me feel important. I was their son's shock absorber; taking the fall if I have to. I mean why would they adopt me if there's really nothing it?"

"What about Alex?"

"We can't get inside their intel as of now, but I'm sure they killed them," he said. "Her parents? They'll never think about it. They want to live—they didn't care about Alex dying, they just want to live. There are people out there who only cares for themselves, Bran. And sometimes being selfish is the only way for you to ease your hunger—that goes for them."

"C-can... can we do anything?"

He shook his head, "Wala pa sa ngayon," he uttered. "Mahirap pa silang kalabanin ngayon kung wala tayong gagamitin laban sa kanila."

I took a deep breathe in.

"Let Fallon take the fall," I said. "No more being scared."

"Brianna... We're trying to protect you too."

"No... no, Ali. The more you try to protect me, the more I protect myself and not do anything... the more they think they're invincible. I can't be afraid anymore."

"Then what are you going to do?"

"The video," I said.

"Babe, no," Uno said and held my hand. "No."

"Uno, please..."

"This? This will only prove how fucked up he is, Brandi. He'll get jailed, yes. But do you know how bad you'll take the fall, Brianna? These people... these people will praise him, because he had the guts to fucking violate you. And then they'll forget him after. But you? They will blame you for it. They will remember you not because you belong in a political clan—but because of that video," he said, his eyes getting reddish as he squeezes my hand.

"I know you're tired already... but this isn't the way Brandi. Nobody will ever forget this. You didn't want that. You were violated. That video will be feasted upon by a lot of people... all over the world. It can never be deleted. People will make stories from it. They won't stop until you can't handle it anymore."

Tears started to fall from his eyes. He pulled me and kissed my forehead. "I don't want others to do it to you, again... and go through that hellhole again. We'll think of a way Brandi... just not this."

"I'm sorry..." I whispered. I knew I was being indecisive... pero napapagod na lang talaga ako.

Hindi sila titigil.

"Wait," Ali said when his phone rang. Mabilis niya itong sinagot atsaka in-on ang speaker at napatingin sa'min. "Who?"

"We were able to find your mother's sibling." Napapikit ako nang marinig iyon.

"H-hijo... ikaw ba 'to? 'Yung inampon no'ng isang abogado?" Ali's eyes started to tear up as he looks at Chen. Napangiti naman ito nang mapait habang hawak-hawak ang kamay niya. "N-nak... hindi naman dapat kita guguluhin. Pero no'ng nahanap nila ako rito sa Lubang, naisip ko rin na tama na... ayaw ko na silang taguan. Siguro nakalimutan na lang din nila ako."

"Nangako rin ako sa nanay mo na kapag may anak ka na ay hahanapin kita—kasi gugustuhin ng nanay mo na makilala ang apo niya. Sasabihin ko sa'yo ang totoo... lahat. Mamatay man ako. Hindi ko na kayang mabuhay na binabagabag ng konsensya ko."

Ali sighed, "A-ano pong alam niyo?"

Napaiyak na lang din ako nang marinig naming mas lalong lumakas ang hagulgol no'ng kapatid ng totoo nanay ni Ali.

"Hindi ka inampon lang... pinatay ang nanay mo. Pinatay nila ang kapatid ko."