Almost a week has passed—compared last week na benign, ngayon naman sobrang toxic ng duty. I had enough of the number of patients swarming in our department to distract me from my reality, and it served as relief at some point... I just did not want to face any of it yet.

I still am the scaredy-cat I have always been.

I was exhausted as hell after our last surgery for the 24-hour duty. 4:35 AM na natapos 'yung last procedure which was whipple procedure, that lasted for 8 hours. Kaming dalawang residents na lang yata natira sa loob kay Doc (although we didn't really do much but help finish up the incisions, since surgical interns pa lang kami), tsaka 'yung ibang nurses sa original shift, pero 'yung iba nag-rotate out na since over na sa shift nila 'yung oras.

Feeling ko talaga mukha na'kong zombie kaya ayaw ko na lang tignan sa salamin 'yung mukha ko. We had to stay up all night to watch closely the entire procedure, and in case na rin na magkaro'n ng emergency during the operation—kung sakali lang naman, although, the surgeon who operated was very skilled in whipple procedure. Pagkatapos naming mag-ayos at maghilamos, dumiretso agad kami ng call room since nag-rotate naman na kami sa mga in-patients kagabi.

"Ah shit 'di ko na talaga kaya feel ko babagsak na'ko. Idlip muna tayo, Bran," Tims uttered bago hinatak 'yung comforter sa ilalim ng lamesa. Nilatag na lang niya kahit 'di maayos bago humiga.

"20 minutes?" I asked bago ibinagsak ang sarili ko sa kama. My eyelids felt so heavy na halos hilong-hilo na talaga ako habang nagse-set ng alarm. Tims just groaned his answer. I was still conscious of my surroundings, but I was too tired that I dozed off immediately.

The 20 minutes felt long in all honesty, that it felt like I regained a lot of strength when I woke up—it wasn't enough, pero okay na rin, at least may tulog. Nakakarindi lang talaga 'yung tunog ng alarm clock. Nakaka-miss din 'yung mga panahon na gigising ako anytime I want, but anyway, I chose my field—it's what I love to do.

I got up at ginising si Tims—we're junior residents so we had to do the scut works they assign to us—Tita and her husband said na 'wag na lang i-assign sa'min, but I told them it's best no one would feel like we're superiors; after all, we're juniors. Dalawa lang kami na under neurosurgery residency, pero siyempre, may mga kasabayan din kami na sa general surgery talaga so I can't afford another shit to handle.

I had to follow up on stat labs when we got back to our posts. There were two new patients who were confined kaya pinuntahan muna ni Tims para mag-fill up ng forms. Sobrang helpful din ng existence ng EMR since napapadali 'yung records ng patient info, although sometimes it'd really take half of the day before we obtain information from other hospitals.

There wasn't really much work to do since madaling araw naman na, so I got coffee from the nearest vending machine. Kami na lang ni Tims 'yung natitirang on-call sa mga residents—and just when I thought that the remaining hours would be peaceful, biglang nag-vibrate ang pager ko.

11/21 05:24 N01
GS to VIP 117 – JS

Shit.

Mabilis akong tumakbo papunta sa VIP ward—I almost could not think straight as I was running. It felt like my lifeline's at stake. That is Ali's room! Pakiramdam ko nanlalamig 'yung buong katawan ko habang tumatakbo ako. When I arrived, our chief was already there checking Ali's lung ultrasound.

"Manumbayao, request for an immediate Chest X-ray," he ordered as he finishes up. I nodded. Lumapit naman sa amin si Chen. "Ma'am, it's not that serious, but we'll take full care of what happened. Mr. Ali Juarez might have acquired atelectasis—his lung sacs cannot inflate properly, which can be common for postanesthesia patients due to the recent abdominal procedure. But for this case, it was due to the pneumothorax—the air inside leaked between his lungs and chest wall." Chen nodded and sighed. "His alveoli deflated as the lungs get smaller due to pneumothorax."

"Just... please do your best to save my husband."

"Rest assured we'll keep him in check, and will proceed to therapy if suspected atelectasis is confirmed."

We immediately received his X-ray results, and atelectasis was confirmed. Postive end-expiratory pressure was conducted to maximize deep breathing, pero if it does not work still and his atelectasis gets to progress to become even worse, we may also put him to a higher tidal volume ventilation.

"Brandi?" Napalingon ako kay Chen at mabilis siyang hinigit para yakapin. Nakakapagod... when will all this end?

"Your husband is safe now. Thoracic and neuro, too, will be closely monitoring him... since his spine was also affected from the crash." I controlled my tears from coming out and broke the embrace. Chen was still crying... it was making me furious.

Is this justice? For us to witness that the people around us are getting hurt?

"That means..."

I closed my eyes for a while and let out a deep sigh, "His lower limbs are paralyzed. He might not be able to move them again."

Chen forced out a smile, "We can... w-we can do physiotherapy, r-right?" she uttered, her voice still shaking and raspy from all the crying. "Ali... Ali can still walk, 'di ba?"

I chewed on my lower lip and held her hand before shaking my head.

This... this feels like a curse when you're a doctor. When you talk to the family of the patients, even when you did everything you could to save them from death, it still feels painful.

But we aren't deities, nor gods.

We're... we're humans, too.

And even though it's painful to hear their cries... even accusing you that you did not do your best to save them... you can't let your emotions get the best of you.

Napayuko na lang si Chen. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko habang pinapanood siyang unti-unting bumabagsak sa bench, umiiyak, tuliro. Gusto ko siya yakapin ulit at umiyak na lang, pero hindi ko kayang gawin. Nakakapagod ding umiyak, pero mas nakakapagod 'yung kailangan mong magiging matatag para sa ibang tao.

Kasi baka ikaw na lang 'yung kailangan nila. Kasi baka sila napapagod na ring umiyak, at hindi na rin kayang makakita ng iba na umiiyak din.

Nakakapagod ding kaawaan.

I did not want Chen to feel like I'm pitying her. It's painful enough that see that we are all losing our hopes to see peace out of this.

Siguro hindi lang talaga namin deserved 'yun. Because out of all these years of silencing ourselves... maybe this was really the outcome we knew that would happen... but we did not believe. We were arrogant, and felt like braveness might be a good thing.

But in this family?

Arrogance can only get you killed.

I was so exhausted but I still had to keep my sanity within the next few hours to do the scut works. I got the lab results already kaya binuksan ko muna 'yung phone ko since wala naman nang gagawin, aside kung may emergency ulit.

"Your cousin dozed off from all that crying," Tims uttered at nagpatong ng can ng coffee sa desk ko. "You know what, Brandi? Can I be honest? You're both suffering a sad life, no sugar-coating already. Don't you just want to leave and run away?"

I sighed and opened the can of coffee he gave me, "Thanks," I uttered, raising the can a little. "Sa totoo lang, Uno already gave me that choice. Chen... they did that already. They tried to escape... but they'll hunt us, Tims. They'll keep on finding us."

I paused.

Shit... shit, shit. Pa'no sila Zach? Sila Dash, sila kuya Kirk?

Napapikit na lang ako at napahilamos sa mukha ko bago kinuha ang phone ko. It was odd... there were no messages from Uno, and impossible naman if I can't reach him since he's probably at home reading his cases at this hour. Usually, he'd answer phone calls immediately...

"I...I can't get a hold of Uno," I said, stuttering, my eyes focused on the floor. Something's odd... something's not adding up.

Something happened and Uno does not want me to know.

I immediately contacted Zachary and the rest of the three. Thankfully, they're all fine, and happy...

So, they're not after my friends already... if not them... then who?

No...

They can't do that...

Mabilis kong tinawagan si Gio to check up on Uno—of course, he did not want to leave the vicinity, but he eventually did. He's not my only bodyguard, and I know I can guarantee my safety here.

I was trembling waiting for Gio's call, so I had to go to the washroom for a while... I looked so bad in front of the mirror, but I could care less. Mabilis kong binuksan 'yung faucet at binasa ang mukha ko...

But then, I suddenly felt a piercing pain right through my side—and then I found myself lying on the floor; my eyes were blurry as hell that I did not even see who did it to me.

I raised my hand slowly to see what was happening because it felt like I was slowly losing my consciousness, and I could not even figure out what happened. I was confused... and numb as hell.

But only one thing registered through my senses.

Blood...

***

"Holy shit, Brandi!" The smell of the hospital room felt nothing new to me the moment I woke up. Oh my god, nakatulog ba'ko habang duty?

I tried to stand up but the pain on the side of my body stopped me from doing so. Tims stopped me, too, "Gaga ka ba! 'Wag ka ngang gumalaw, nasaksak ka!" Tims sat beside me. "Brandi... girl. Sorry kung... sorry kung hindi ko na-realize na ganito na pala talaga ang situation mo... I shouldn't have let you leave on your own."

For a moment, I paused. I could not remember anything that happened to me, "A-anong nangyari? Si Ali, okay na ba?"

"Don't think about anything, Brandi. Not right now," Tims uttered. "Don't worry it's just been 24 hours ever since the incident. The wound was not deep and did not cause any complications, so 'wag ka nang mag-alala. Chief said it might have been because of the shock and the fatigue you've been experiencing kaya isang araw kang nakatulog."

"S-Si Uno?"

"I'm here." Tears started to form the moment I saw Uno. But he looked... different. He looked exhausted. He was not on the right shape. Tims excused himself since narinig ko ring nag-vibrate 'yung pager niya.

"I-I'm sorry if pinag-alala pa kita," I said. "Were you from the firm? Sorry... I was just so nervous because of what happened to Ali so... so I wanted to check on you."

"Stop... stop talking," Uno said, flinching the moment I held his hand. "Save your energy. Take a rest a while for a while... let's... let's take a rest for a while."

"H-ha?" I uttered, as if I did not hear what he said clearly. "H-hindi ko maintindihan Uno..." Tears kept on flowing as I look at him. I was not wearing my eyeglasses so I could not really see him clearly.

But he looked... in pain.

"Sa totoo lang Brandi... pagod na'ko," he said, raising his hand and slowly pulling something off his finger, before putting it on top of my blanket.

It was his wedding ring.

"U-Uno... don't. Please don't pull out a prank right now," I said. "I can't lose you... lumalaban pa naman ako 'di ba?" I tried to sit down—and he did not even bother to help me at all. I was flinching in pain as I look at him... but he looked blank.

There was a hint of pain, but he still looked blank.

"Let's just... let's take a break first."

"Then why are you giving me this ring?" My voice was rising already as I look at him... I was fuming in anger. Kasi bakit ngayon pa? "Ito ba? Ito ba 'yung pahinga mo, ha?!" I aggressively pulled out my ring from my finger and threw it at him.

"Pahinga ba 'yan Uno?!"

"Brandi pagod na'ko..."

Crying did not alleviate the pain... it felt like he was killing me even more. "Uno lumalaban pa naman ako, 'di ba? Lumalaban pa naman ako..."

But instead of getting back his ring and picking up mine—he picked up his briefcase and turned his back at me and reached for the door.

"Then don't."