Tahimik lang ako habang nakasunod kami kay doktora habang nagra-rounds. Pakiramdam ko lumilipad 'yung utak ko kung saan-saan, pero hindi ko naman pwedeng hayaan na gano'n na lang ako buong magdamag. 'Di naman kasi pwede 'yun sa field na pinasok ko.

"Teh, ayos ka lang?" Napalingon ako kay Tims habang hinihintay na bumaba 'yung kinuha kong soda can sa vending machine. Ngumiti lang ako nang bahagya bago kinuha 'yun sa ibaba. "Natutulala ka na naman."

I sighed, "Ang gulo na naman kasi," I said, opening my can of soda habang nakatingin lang sa labas. Everytime I tell myself it shouldn't bother me, mas lalo lang nagugulo 'yung isip ko... kahit anong gawin ko pumapasok pa rin nang paulit-ulit sa utak ko.

I'm still stuck in this hell of a nightmare they created.

Malapit naman na, Brandi... Konti na lang.

"Would you like to be alone muna?" Nginitian ko si Amelia at tumango.

"You know... anything family related, we understand that you can't disclose any of it to us, but just know that we're here," she said. "We cannot ease that pain but just know that there are people who are always rooting for your happiness... whatever that is."

Mabilis kong niyakap si Amelia at Tims. Para siguro kaming tanga sa lobby ng hospital na nagyayakapan... pero as much as I want to tell them what's happening to me, it's better to keep them away from my real problems in life. Mas okay na 'yung puro lang kami rant sa internship... ayaw ko nang paguluhin 'yung buhay nila.

Kapag nadamay sila, damay na lahat.

Ayaw ko no'n.

I know being friends with me would cost them a lot... they've simultaneously appeared on shows na rin for interviews, but they're from well-known families din naman.

Pero ayaw kong idamay 'yung pamilya nila.

Our families aren't really connected to them. As far as I know, they don't really associate themselves with politics kaya natakot din akong maging magka-kaibigan kami. So as long as I can keep it low, I'll really keep it low.

I can't drag them into my hell pit.

"Nasa café lang kami, okay? Punta ka na lang if you can breathe already, okay?" Tims said. "Breathe, Brandi. You're not alone."

I smiled and nodded.

Pinanood ko muna silang maglakad palayo bago ako lumabas papunta ng garden. Napalagay ako ng kamay ko sa loob ng bulsa ng white coat ko habang naglalakad papunta sa railings.

The first time I went here, I actually thought of jumping... it was a stupid idea that shouldn't even have crossed my mind, but it did.

Kasi nakakapagod talaga.

Pero may dahilan pa rin naman ako para mabuhay... si Uno, 'yung mga kaibigan ko, sila Chen... kahit sila na lang 'yung dahilan, I still have to keep going. Kahit na ang hirap-hirap na... kasi gusto ko na rin namang matapos 'to.

And putting an end to this means risking a lot. We have to risk a lot... kahit buhay namin. Because this life? This fucked up life... we can't offer this to Phoebe. Ano naman kung kaya naming bilhin lahat ng bagay na gusto namin, kung araw-araw gigising ka namang natatakot kung gigising ka pa ba, o baka nasa news ka na na may nakatanim na lang na bala sa utak mo.

Ang daming galit.

Ang daming kaaway.

Pati pamilya namin mismo kaaway namin.

They were all right... a happy person can always defeat someone who has everything.

Kasi hindi naman kami masaya. Maayos nga 'yung buhay... we have too much of it all... but we still can't buy peace, and happiness.

And maybe that's why life isn't unfair... still.

Because maybe one way or another, it really is our job to curse our lives the way we were brought into it.

I was peacefully drinking my soda nang biglang tumunog 'yung phone ko. Napangiti na lang ako nang makita ang pangalan ni Uno sa screen.

"Hey," I said drinking the last bit of my soda bago iyon itinapon sa trash bin.

"Hey, love. You okay?"

I paused for a while before nodding my head, "Kinda," I said. "Hindi ka ba busy diyan?"

"Reading a case, but it's okay. I have to rest," he said, chuckling. "You're not busy?"

"Pabalik na ng ward," I said. "Uno..."

"Hmm?"

"If things get worse... will you leave me?"

"As long as you don't tell me."

"What if... what if I ask you to leave me?"

"I won't," he said. Natawa ako no'ng marinig kong naglipat siya ng page. This silly guy, really. Nagpapahinga raw pero nagbabasa pa rin naman. "If things get worse, I'll stay by you."

"Why?"

"I love you, Brianna Andi, and if you ask me to leave you... I'll always find reasons to stay. You're my safe haven, you're my rest in this world. If worse comes to worst, I'll protect you. I always will."

I tried to stop myself from sobbing, pero natawa ako dahil tumulo pa rin 'yung luha sa mata ko. God... I've been so emotional the past few days...

"Uno..."

"Hmm?"

"Never mind, I'll hang up na. They're calling for me already. Let's talk na lang later, okay? I love you."

"I love you."

It almost felt like my hands lost all its energy... and I was there, dumb-founded.

I can't...

Napapikit ako. Trying to compose myself. Hindi ko alam kung ilang minute na'kong nakatayo do'n habang sinusubukang ibalanse ang sarili ko.

"Love, breathe." Mabilis akong napalingon nang may magsalita. Uno smiled and guided me towards the nearest bench. "Breathe."

"W-why are you here?"

"I was watching over your voice, babe."

"How come you got here so fast?"

"I was already in my car when you started crying."

I smiled.

"Thank you."

"You sure you can continue today?"

I nodded, "Balik ka na sa firm."

He wiped away my tears and kissed my forehead, "I'm just a call away, okay?"

I nodded and rested my face on his neck for a while. Ang bango-bango talaga ng asawa ko.

"Bumalik ka na," I said chuckling. "I love you. Thank you."

Uno tousled my hair, pero inayos niya rin bago ako inalalayang tumayo. "You take care, okay? And you drink your meds."

I nodded.

"Opo," I said, teasing him. "Now go to work. I'll see you later."

"I'll pick you up, okay?"

I nodded. "I love you."

He smiled.

"Always."

"Sana all," Amelia teased nang makabalik na'ko ng ward. Nag-sorry naman ako kay doc... buti na lang talaga naintindihan niya na inatake na naman ako ng panic attack. The past few days I have been trying my best to calm myself. The meds work naman...

Ah shit... I forgot to take it today. Sobrang bangag ko na talaga.

I sighed, "I forgot to take my meds," I said and checked my pockets. Napangiti na lang ako nang makapa 'yung gamot ko sa kabilang pocket. Ito 'yung nasa kotse lang ni Uno in case na makalimutan kong dalhin.

"Next time don't forget to take your medicine, Brandi. Doctor ka. You don't have to compromise your patients just because of your condition. You take care of yourself too," doktora said and smiled a little. "Been there."

Tipid akong ngumiti bago binuksan 'yung tubig ko at uminom ng gamot. Napa-buntonghininga na lang ako... kahit pa paano kumalma naman na'ko.

Our duty went on like the usual. Weekends kaya ang daming mommies. Nasanay na rin naman kami sa gano'ng set up. Habang tumatagal kami sa OB rotation, nare-realize ko rin na sobrang fulfilling lalo pag nasa ward ka no'ng mga babies. Ang cute nila.

Gusto ko rin ng baby...

"Mommy konti na lang," I said as I remove my surgical gloves pagka-check ko ng dilation ng cervix. "5 cm pa po," I said. Ngumiti naman siya nang bahagya at napatingin sa asawa niya na nasa labas. Napatango na lang din ako sa kaniya bago dumiretso sa kabilang ward. I was thankful I could busy myself with my duty. Ayaw ko naming matulala na lang at walang maitulong. My personal life shouldn't hinder my will to attend to my patients.

I plopped down the bed after two consecutive caesarian sections and a normal delivery at napatingala lang saglit sa kisame bago umupo sa tabi ko si Amelia kasunod ni Tims.

"Pagod," Amelia said, wiping her glasses using her scrubs. "Sleep all day tomorrow?" I nodded. It was our only day-off so we had to really suck it up. Hati nga pm and am duty because medyo marami kaming PGI rito at maganda naman ang number namin para mahati, besides it's medyo maliit naman 'yung hospital, pero mas okay na rin 'yung sched kaysa naman 24 hours.

"Read tapos tulog," I said. I was already getting the examination jitters—sobrang lapit na kaya kahit inaaral ko naman, kinakabahan pa rin talaga ako. Konti na lang, makakapag-focus na talaga ako sa surgery.

Doktora treated us food after our duty because apparently birthday pala ng anak niya today.

"You feeling better?"

I smiled and kissed Uno, "Yes," I said. "Kumain na kayo? Doc treated us for dinner kasi..."

He nodded, "Nagpakain lang sa firm kasi matatapos na 'yung month," he said.

Ang bilis ng panahon.

"Hala," I said, chuckling. "Na-miss ko 'yung boses mo sa radyo," I uttered at nilakasan 'yung radyo when Mundo played all of a sudden. Natawa naman siya at hinawakan ang kamay ko.

We stayed silent for a couple of minutes as we both enjoyed the song. Matatawa na lang ako kapag sasabay siya. I was wondering how our friends were doing already, but it's better this way—we weren't really detaching from one another. I was just preventing them to get involved again...

Masaya na sila.

Problema na namin 'to.

"Babe," Uno said out of the blue after he parked the car in our garage.

"Hmm?" I asked, looking at him. He reached for the knob of the radio and lowered the volume and held my hand again.

"I wanted to keep this," he said. "But I met Ali the other day. Do you know this massacre that happened in Pangasinan?"

I nodded, "The terrorist attack?"

He nodded and reached for an envelope from the compartment and handed it to me, turning on the lights for me to be able to see the files, "Those people... they were 35 war officials who have long been kept in silence because they were opposing the administration," he said. "They all went missing. One after another. Media coverage was limited—their families thought they were being trained... but they were being tortured."

I couldn't believe my eyes as I stare at the photos of war officials—bleeding to death. "The massacre was disguised as a terrorist attack, but honestly... it was just to kill them. And here." He reached out for the papers and pointed at the general, "He knew what happened... and then he committed suicide because he couldn't handle it. He also didn't want to risk his family. It was dubbed as an act of cowardliness few days later."

Tears started to fall from my eyes bago ako napatingin kay Uno.

"Uno..." I whispered. "Stop this," I said.

"Brandi I can't... this is the only way."

"And I can't wake up every day knowing that any second I can lose you because of this!" I said. "Tama na..."

"We'll expose them, Brandi. Please..."

I bit my lip.

"They will know."

"I know."

"I can't lose you."

"You won't."

"They can kill you." My breathing was getting more and more ragged. I was crying so bad... at that moment, the only thing I thought of is to kill everyone.

Uno's sacrificing his life for me.

I don't want that.

"They won't," he said. "They will not thread that distance. As long as I am with you, they can't kill me."

"They can disguise it... Uno... I'm scared."

He shook his head.

"They can't disguise it if one by one, people start voicing out," he said before giving me his phone, "A question of honor and dignity: Remembering General Ynarez' death" appeared on his phone.

It was an article of speculations—one of which stated if it was really a massacre or a hidden agenda... that they're yet to know.