I kept mum. I couldn't figure out what Uno was thinking as his face was barely even showing anything, his usual poker face made it harder for me to guess! Hindi ko nga rin alam kung bakit gustong-gusto kong malaman kung ano'ng iniisip niya sa mga oras na iyon pagkasabi niya no'n.

On top of that, my heart was erratically racing so much—I think it's already qualified to beat Usain Bolt.

Seryoso, habit niya ba talagang maging isang malaking guessing game? Ni hindi mo malaman kung ano'ng iniisip! Sobrang tough nutcase, talaga. Nakakaloka.

Why do you suddenly care, Brandi?

Napailing na lang ako sa mga naiisip ko. Countless thoughts kept on flushing in my mind, and it just makes it a little bit more awkward than the usual—I can't even figure out kung bakit nao-awkward-an ako kay Uno.

He's just Uno, Brandi. . . Bakit. Bakit ganiyan ka?

"Tulungan ko lang silang mag-set up. Okay ka na rito?" Ngumiti ako kahit pakiramdam ko halatang pilit—which Uno just chose to ignore, I'm pretty sure. Iniwanan na'ko ni Uno sa duyan at tinulungan na sila Dash mag-ayos. I wasn't really close to Zach and kuya Kirk's girlfriend since minsan lang din naman kaming nagkakasama—mostly because of the busy schedules.

Still, I'm relieved that the both of them are making my friends happy.

'Yun lang naman kasi talaga ang gusto ko, 'yung masaya lang 'yung paligid ko. Sobrang nakakapagod every time I try to deal with my sadness, it makes me want to give up, sa totoo lang. I only find positivity in life through them.

Honestly. . . they're one of my strengths.

Hindi ko na kakayanin kung maulit man ulit 'yung nangyari four years ago. Mas gugustuhin ko na lang talagang mamatay kaysa makita silang nasasaktan. . . umiiyak, maipagtanggol lang ako. When Zach almost died. . . when kuya Kirk wanted to do everything just to keep me sane, when Dash did every little thing, he could just so I'd be able to keep the never-ending thoughts that made me utterly depressed.

And now, Uno. . . Telling me that he'd be ready to sacrifice his life just to save me from this damned situation with Fallon. I didn't want to believe, baka isa na naman sa mga jokes niya na hindi halatang biro dahil hindi naman siya tumawa—sobrang seryoso, na mapapaniwala ka talaga.

I mean. . . we're not even close to friends. It just happened that. . . he continuously got involved with Fallon's stupid businesses, saving me from desperate times when I needed someone to be by my side the most.

Now, tell me what game Uno's playing, right now? Hindi ko maintindihan. Law student siya at hindi cold case, pero bakit ang hirap niya i-solve? Pakiramdam ko nga pwede na siyang qualifier sa mga unsolved mysteries sa mundo. Sobrang misteryoso, hindi mo malaman ang takbo ng utak—paano pa kaya pag Lawyer na 'tong taong 'to?

I'm sure he'd do reckless things. . . and you won't even be able to figure out why he'd do such.

Gano'n naman siya. Risk-taker.

Napapikit na lang ako nang mariin at napa-buntonghininga. Why was I even thinking of him? I couldn't help but to get weirded for myself. God, I can even hear Chen' laughing voice with her endless assumptions.

"Hey." Nagulat ako nang makita ko si Sofia, her hand gripping tightly the strap of her double neck ukulele as she approaches me. Napangiti naman ako. "Are... are you okay here?"

I nodded, still displaying a genuine smile on my face. "Don't worry about me," I said.

"Alam mo... people tell me that I'm so strong for being able to battle with my depression. I still am actually. But... I know you're stronger, and I'm sure you'll be able to surpass every adversity that might come," Sofia said, looking at the twinkling stars.

"We're. . . stronger than we think we are," she said, her eyes still not leaving the skies. "We'll always think that we're so fragile, but at the end of the day, we can still be proud for ourselves because. . . na-surpass natin 'yung mga bagay na nasaktan tayo. And I think. . . that's why life is still wonderful."

I smiled.

"I'll pray for you," she said and looked at me with a smile. "We'll be okay... someday."

I nodded.

"Someday," I said.

Sofia's smile grew bigger. Napangiti na lang din ako.

This. . . this is the reason why I can't involve Zach, again. Or any of them. As much as possible nga, I'd want Uno out of the picture, too.

I don't want to hurt anyone close to them.

It's my own battle to fight, and maybe, it's only right that I'll be the only one to carry the burden. Kasi nakakapagod makitang may nasasaktan nang dahil sa akin. It's. . . ten times the pain. Para akong sinasakal nang paulit-ulit, hindi makahinga, hindi makahingi ng tulong.

Gano'n pala talaga 'yun.

Kapag mahal mo talaga sila. . . you'll always be willing to sacrifice anything. Your life. Your sanity.

Just for their own.

Nag-usap muna kami saglit ni Sofia bago kami tinawag nila Zach para makakain na. Nagpaalam naman ako kay manang na sabihin kay Anna na pupunta ako kila Dash. I hate Anna, but I still respect the fact pa rin naman na asawa siya ni Dad (actually, I can't just deal with her endless bickers kapag hindi niya alam kung saan ako nanggagaling).

"You're not telling me anything already, Brandi. Nakakatampo." Natawa naman ako sa sinabi ni Zach habang sumasandok ako ng pasta. "Fallon's not bothering you?"

I shrugged.

I'm sorry, Zachary.

"Nope," I said with a smile. "I think. . . I'm just probably getting along with your arrogant friend."

Napakunot naman ng noo si Zach, "Wala kang kinekwento sa'kin!"

I stuck out my tongue at tumabi na kila Dash. Pinaningkitan naman ako ng mata ni Zach dahilan para matawa ako. Kakain na sana ako pero nagulat ako nang tumabi sa akin si Uno at inabutan ako ng barbecue.

"Ah. . ." Pakiramdam ko nag-loading ako nang ilang Segundo bago ko kinuha 'yung binibigay sa akin ni Uno. And dear God, ewan ko ba kung nagha-hallucinate na'ko dahil sa mga nangyayari—but once again. . . I saw him smile.

A little bit.

Ewan.

I chose to shrug it off, siguro nga nagha-hallucinate na lang ako. Punyeta intensifies.

Pagkatapos naming kumain, umalis na rin kaagad sila Zachary at Sofia since may pasok pa sila Sofia bukas at may kailangan pa yatang ihabol na plates. Si Ate Addie naman nakausap ko rin tungkol sa kanila ni Kuya Kirk, hanggang sa kung anu-ano na ang pinag-uusapan namin.

"Punta ka sa church next time," nakangiting sambit ni ate Addie. Ngumiti naman ako at napatango. Habang nag-uusap kami, bigla namang tumayo si Dash, natawa na lang ako kasi parang nahihiya pa siyang magpaalam.

"May tumatawag wait, balik ako," nakangiting sambit ni Dash. Inasar-asar naman siya kaagad ni Kuya Kirk bago lumayo, halata naman na Chen was the one calling based on his facial expression.

Hay.

Seeing them happy makes me happy, too.

"Buti nakakangiti ka na. Mukha kang ewan kanina," sambit ni Uno, looking down on his bare feet. Natatawa na lang ako. Wala pa yatang araw na nakita kong magdamag siyang nakasapatos. He just loves being barefooted all the time.

Sabagay, minsan mas maganda rin kapag nakapaa ka lang. Pakiramdam mo free-spirited ka.

"Grabe ka. Ang kapal-kapal mo na nga, inaaway mo pa ako." Napairap na lang ako kay Uno at inubos na 'yung softdrinks ko. "Iyong kabaitan mo talaga, once in a blue moon lang 'no?" Uno didn't answer, kaya napairap na lang din ulit ako. Feel ko kung naging babae 'to, sobrang lala. Lalaki na siya sa lagay na iyan, pero parang laging mine-menopause. Sometimes, I try pa rin naman to understand him, pero most of the times, he's just so hard to understand.

Ang sakit lang sa ulo, legit.

"Nakabili ka na ng libro mo?" Napalingon naman ako kay Uno, pero he's not even looking at me! Ayaw ko sanang mag-assume na ako 'yung tinatanong niya since kasama namin sila ate Addie, pero saka ko lang na-realize na pumasok na pala sila sa loob ng bahay nila Dash.

Was I spacing out?

"Brandi, mukha kang tanga pag nakatunganga ka lang."

"Gago," bulalas ko na kinagulat naman niya. Agad naman akong napatakip ng bunganga ko. Holy crap, did I just cuss at him!?

Nahihiya akong napatingin kay Uno, but instead of displaying his usual poker face, he showed an amused expression! Para namang akala niya napaka-perfect ko!

Napairap ako, "Sorry," sambit ko at napatakip sa bibig ko. I didn't even know why I was saying sorry. Siguro dahil nasanay lang ako... na kapag nagkamali, sorry agad.

"Stop saying sorry, Brandi," he said, finally meeting my eyes, his forehead creased. "You're flawed, too. You make mistakes. You're human. I hope you're not forgetting that."

I smiled.

But I knew Uno noticed how forced it was.

Because four years ago. . . Fallon already took away from me the realizations of me as a human being.

Why?

He never treated me like one.

***

The following morning, I decided to buy Medical books para naman makapag-advanced reading ako kahit pa paano. Ilang months na lang din kasi, pasukan na rin—ayaw ko namang maging ewan sa pasukan. I know the real battle starts during Medschool—back to zero lahat.

Hindi rin naman kasi sapat talaga na matalino ka lang—although sobrang laking advantage na rin ng talino throughout Medical School—but Doctors always remind me that the perseverance to push through made them last. That you always have to stick with your goal—lalo kapag sobrang down na down ka na in the middle of studying.

And that is to help. To serve your country. To serve the people.

Kung pera nga lang daw ang habol mo sa Medschool, mag-isip-isip ka na—because it's not an easy ride. After Medschool, ang dami pang requirements and processes just to get where you want to be, tapos kapag ganap ka na talagang Doctor, maximum na siguro ang five years bago mo matanggap 'yung desired salary mo. Because you still need to prove your effectiveness as a doctor, you still need to make a name for yourself—everything takes time.

Because Medicine. . . it's not about the money, it's about the willingness to help, to cure—for the love of humanity.

I was busy checking for books when I almost bumped into someone habang nagb-browse sa mga books—nanlaki naman ang mga mata ko pagkakita kay Uno.

Of all people, siya pa!? Dito pa!?

Gusto ko tuloy lamunin ng lupa—this is definitely the exact place where I asked him to carry my Medbooks for me. Simula rin ng pagiging cold niya sa'kin because his stupid ex-girlfriend broke up with him.

Knowingly, halata namang naghahanap lang talaga ng pwede niyang maibutas sa'kin 'yung babaeng 'yun. I don't even know what made her hate me so much! Wala rin naman akong ginagawang masama sa kaniya. Fact check, as far as I know, nang makilala ko siya naging maayos naman ang pakikitungo ko sa kaniya.

My gosh. Napaka-arrogant ni Uno—pero 'yung ex niya, maganda nga, makinis—pero bakit gano'n? Ang itim ng kaluluwa. Ginigisa na yata 'yung kaluluwa niya sa impyerno.

I wanted to avoid Uno kaya tumalikod na lang ulit ako para lumabas ng bookstore—I might find other Medbooks din naman sa ibang bookstores...

Ang kaso nga lang. . . he already saw me—resulting to him holding my wrist and me—looking at him with this weirded gut look.

Shit.

"Saan ka pupunta?" he asked, holding a book of Constitutional Laws II on his left hand.

I tried to smile, "Lalabas na sana?"

"You sure you're safe out there without me?"

Ha?

I arched my brow—still looking at his face. I wanted to say something, yet I keep on ending up closing my mouth ulit dahil hindi ko makapa 'yung tamang words.

Suddenly, someone like me who's hailed as a good debater lost words in front of the arrogant vocalist of Apostrophe.

I am going nuts.

He shrugged his shoulders and started to scan for Law books again—still holding my wrist, almost wanting to tell me that he's never going to let go.