┏━━━✦❘༻༺❘✦━━━┓

Love

┗━━━✦❘༻༺❘✦━━━┛

Chapter 22: Love (Ronan's POV)

I expected that question, I knew she would ask me that tonight, but it still caught me off guard. I stared at her for a minute before finding it within myself, to be honest with her. "Because I was selfish." 

She blinked slowly and went back to staring at the sky, listening to me. 

"You were right when we argued that night here. I hid the truth from you not just because I didn't want you to get hurt on top of everything you had going on. That was part of the reason, but it was also because..." I sighed, "Because I knew that if you had said just once that you didn't want me to leave, I probably wouldn't have been able to. If you told me you wanted me to stay with you, I probably would have stayed. But at the time, London, what I did never felt wrong. I chose myself because I wanted to make a career for myself. I wanted to be a son my parents could be proud of, a boyfriend that you could be proud of." 

She hummed softly in response. 

"When I first left, I knew you were upset. But I thought by the time of my first holiday, things would have calmed down, I could come visit and we'd talk things out and find a solution. But then I realized how much you probably hated me and I thought you'd never want to see me again. So I never visited. It was killing me; I hated being there without you. But I found ways to distract myself, I focused a lot on writing and working, I came up with the idea for Wicked Ruins and spent all my time planning out every little detail. I wanted to call you and I could have but I was scared of seeing you upset because of me. And when I first went to Boston, I even changed my number." 

"I know. I tried calling you all the time, but I figured you had changed it. I gave up after that. It just felt like you didn't want me anymore." 

"That wasn't true." 

"I know that now." 

I sighed, staring at her. 

"So, that was it really, huh? You wanted to leave but you thought you couldn't do it if I didn't want that? So you hid it until you couldn't hide it anymore and had to leave?" 

"Yeah," I mumbled. "And I never thought that you wouldn't support me, London. I just thought even if you did, I couldn't stand the thought of seeing that look on your face. Happy for me but with tears in your eyes at the thought of being alone. It would have ruined whatever time I had left with you. And I'm sorry for the way I did things. If I could redo them, you know I would. I love you, London." 

She didn't reply for a minute and when she did, it was another question. "What about girls?" 

"Huh?" 

"You were in college, making new friends, probably going to some parties at least. You didn't get another girlfriend?" 

"No. No girlfriend. But..." 

She turned to look at me. "You can say it." 

"There was one girl. Maya." I swallowed. "She was friends with Brandon and I shared a few classes with her. We weren't friends but we were friendly with each other. I didn't even look at another girl during my first two years in college. But I was constantly missing you. And then Brandon told me that she liked me. It was convenient." 

She stared at me quietly, observing. 

"I needed a distraction." 

"Did she distract you then?" 

"No," I admitted. "Because the whole time, I was looking for somebody to momentarily replace you. And I realized that was impossible." I scanned her face for a reaction but didn't get anything yet. "We didn't date but we fooled around sometimes." 

"Sometimes?" 

"Times when I was drunk and wanted you there. Times when I couldn't get you out of my head." 

"Ronan, did you think of me while you kissed another girl?" 

"I wished it was you," I confirmed. 

"What happened to her then?" she asked a little bitterly. 

"Nothing. She got attached and I didn't." 

"Did she know about me?" Her tone clearly said 'she better have.'

"Everybody knew about you," I laughed dryly. "I had a picture of us on my nightstand, of course, they all knew about you. Everybody knew I was still in love with you, she knew it too. That's why she never bothered trying to persuade me. I ended things with her at the beginning of my final year. Never heard from her again." 

She let out a small breath of relief. I could see the jealousy written on her face ease away. "Anything else you want to tell me?" she pressed. 

I shook my head slowly, thinking back to the last four years. "Everything else was just normal college things. I thought about you all the time though. I imagined what it would be like to see you again. In my first year there, I imagined you there with me. I know it was my fault but being without you really fucked me up. And I'm really happy that I'm back now." 

"I'm happy that you're back too," she whispered, rolling onto her side and facing me. 

We both paused and processed for a minute. "My turn?" I asked. 

She nodded slowly. 

"Did you miss me?" I started. 

"Every day." 

"What happened after I left?" 

She shrugged, "I fell apart." 

Guilt shot through my heart like a bullet. 

"And then I picked myself up when I realized I had no choice but to get it together because Mom had died and Dad had been diagnosed. He needed me. So I took all our memories and put them in a box. Literally. I still have that box. I kept all our pictures, all your gifts, t-shirts, cards... everything," she explained softly. 

"Did you hate me?" 

She nodded. "I still do sometimes. But I hated you the most about one thing." 

"What?" 

"I stopped believing in love right after you left. I started thinking love wasn't real, it was all bullshit, that people always leave at the end, no matter how much they say they love you. It all felt like a lie. And I swore I would never fall in love again." 

I stared at her silently, feeling regret bloom across my chest. It was overwhelming and I couldn't ignore it. "Do you still feel that way?" I whispered meekly. 

Her eyes held mine as she thought about her answer. "I'm not sure. Sometimes," she nodded, "but then I look at you and I get so happy that you're back and the anger melts away. But I don't know about falling in love again, Ronan." 

I nodded in understanding. 

She watched me knowingly. "Whatever's on your mind, just say it. We past keeping secrets, aren't we?" 

I took in a breath. "It's not a secret, just what I want." 

She nodded, encouraging me to spill it. 

"If you ever forgive me, London and if you think you're ready to fall in love with somebody again, please don't fall in love with someone new. Just fall in love with me." 

She smiled softly, "Again?" 

I nodded quickly. 

"Okay," she laughed, scooting closer to me. "I promise." 

"Really?" 

"Hmm. I promise if I ever want to fall in love again, I'll fall in love with you." 

I stared at her, surprised by how easily she said that. 

"We both know it," she mumbled, "it's always going to be you." She looked into my eyes. "I do love you, Ronan. But I fell out of love with you after what you did to me. And I know I'll fall back into it soon. But you need to give me that time." 

"I will, I promise." 

She smiled softly, reaching up and brushing my hair back. "Any other questions?" 

"Was there another guy?" 

She let out a small breath. 

"After me. Did you love someone else?" 

"No." 

"Did you date someone else?" 

She nodded hesitantly. 

It felt like a punch to my gut, I couldn't breathe for a moment. "Who?" 

She sighed, "A year after you left, somebody new moved into town. His name was Jamie. His parents had gotten divorced and he moved here with his dad. He came to the store one day to get a book for his classes and apparently, I caught his eye. He spent a long time asking me for dinner or lunch or coffee. But I was miserable without you. And just the thought of going out with another guy made my skin crawl, it felt like I was betraying you. I couldn't do it. But everybody told me the same thing. It was still my decision though. But you weren't here and he was. Who else was I supposed to kiss? He was a nice guy. Funny, made me laugh. Sometimes he was able to take my mind off of you, just for a few minutes." 

My blood boiled knowing that some other guy was here in our town stealing her kisses and laughs from me. Those were mine. She was mine. Always had been. "Did you love him?" 

"No," she shook her head. 

"Did you like him?" 

"He was convenient. I did, a little." 

I swallowed. "Did you sleep with him?" 

"Yeah," she paused, "I did... Are you angry?" 

"I'm jealous. But I wasn't here, I left you. And if I slept with someone else, how can I be mad at you for doing the same thing?" 

"You're still my first... everything, actually. Nothing's going to change that, you know." 

I nodded, "I know. What happened then?" 

"I was sort of with him for a year? On and off, just you like and that... girl," she gritted. 

I bit back a smile and watched her. 

"And then he left. His Dad was marrying another woman in California and he left with his Dad to stay close to family." 

"That's it? Nothing else?" 

She frowned in thought. "I never took him seriously when he said this. But he did say before leaving that he wanted me to give him another chance, a real chance if he ever came back to Runville. Because he knew about you, I told him everything. I told him I was still in love with you, he knew he was a rebound. But he asked for a fair chance if he ever came back and I stopped loving you." 

My heart raced with the jealousy coursing through my veins. "What did you tell him?" 

"I never answered him. He left." She watched me carefully. "Which is why it doesn't matter. I never loved him. I loved you though. I still do." She put a hand on my cheek, her thumb stroking my skin. "I love you, Ronan." 

"I love you too," I whispered, my eyes falling to her lips. 

Should I do it? Should I kiss her now?

.

.

.

.

.

Chapter 22

Well, there it is. the whole truth out in the open now. honestly, I feel like Ronan and London are a realistic couple in a lot of ways, does anyone else agree? Especially compared to some of my other couples. they're mature, they both fucked up, they're both still trying and forgiving but still hate each other for some things too

and yes, I know it's late but it's the weekend and I was in a zone while writing today so the chapters were popping out fast af, you're welcome <3

next chapter: start