December 2017

I sat on the bathroom floor, crying and shaking with fear, I felt like my world was collapsing around me. No please no, not again. I don't want this.

Jungkook walked in and saw me on the floor, was that it? I have been crying for hours. "Baby what happened?"

He immediately knew something was wrong. He sat down beside me and gently asked me what had happened again.

I struggled to put my feelings into words, but eventually I told him that I was pregnant. He looked at the pregnancy test. "I don't want this to happen again. I don't want us to go through all that again, we just got better."

I was scared and didn't know how to handle the news. I couldn't bear the thought of losing another child, and I was convinced that something would go wrong. In the past I had two miscarriage, and two years ago, I gave birth but their baby d'ed because of complications.

"Y/n, it's fine. Stop crying, we will not go through it again." Jungkook held me and reassured me. I shook my head.

"You said that last time too, you said it will be fine. You said our baby will be fine." I cried. Jungkook Kneel down on the floor and cupped my face.

"Don't you want this baby?" Jungkook asked.

"You know this, I want this more than anything. But I can't handle losing another child. "

"Y/n, we were being caring right? And you didn't get your IUD removed right?" He asked.

"No, I didn't." I want kids. But I am scared of getting pregnant and losing it. So my IUD was there. I don't like disappointing Jungkook like I always do. He gets so excited and then I disappoint him when I lose the baby.

"Y/n, please stop crying. It's really rare, you know? There is only a 1% chance of getting pregnant with IUD birth control. You are pregnant, that means the baby really wants to be born." Jungkook kissed my forehead.

I hugged him. "But what if-"

He put his finger over my lips. "Nothing baby. Nothing will happen if our baby thinks positive. And smile, we are going to be parents."

Jungkook tried to encourage me but I know he is scared too.

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February 2018

In the days and weeks that followed, my anxiety only grew worse.

I became obsessed with monitoring my pregnancy and making sure that everything was going according to plan.

"Baby," I looked up and saw Jungkook. "You are still up, are you writing?"

He asked. I closed the laptop I was not. I was searching about my chances of miscarriages. "Yeah."

Jungkook did his best to support me but he could see that I was struggling. No matter what, I am worried 24/7 about the baby.

He filled the glass with water and gave it to me. "Take rest honey, it's late. You can ask the publisher for more time."

My publisher is pressuring me to finish my latest book, which is already behind schedule.

"I can't, I should get to write." I looked at my stomach, I couldn't see my stomach bump, the baby was too small. "When will I be able to feel him? Hear his heartbeat?"

Jungkook smiled and walked closer to me, he kissed my stomach. "Soon," He pouted and it made me chuckle. I pecked his pout.

"Let's go and sleep." He pulled me up.

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June 2018

People say time passes by fast and you will not even realize when it will be closer to delivery day, I don't think that, because for me. Each second, each minute, each hour I worried about the baby.

I would purposely poke my stomach to feel the baby's kick or punch.

I am scared all the time but Jungkook made this time beautiful for me, he took care of my pregnancy all this time. He cooks my favorite meals, brings me snacks when I am feeling hungry or nausea, and he even makes a cozy and comfortable space for me to relax in.

I decided to put my upcoming book on hold. I know my readers are disappointed because it was supposed to be the last part of my thriller series.

Jungkook even missed his work to doctor's appointments with me and being supportive during the pregnancy. Every once in a while I get emotional and cry and he listen  to her concerns and fears and providing emotional support

Jungkook does so much for me, but I think I am never able to do anything for him. I really want this baby to be born for him, for me, for us.
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August 2018

I opened my eyes, I didn't feel the weight, I didn't feel anything. I put my hand on my stomach and flat. My stomach was flat. I sit in panic. "My baby!"

"Y/n," Jungkook said. I looked at his tear filled eyes and then I looked beside me, there was a small baby.

I quickly took the baby in my arms. "Oh my god, my baby." I got so scared. I thought I lost it again.

Jungkook hugged, and I could hear him sobbing. I understand him, I can't stop crying too. I asked him."Is he fine? Please tell me he is fine."

Jungkook pulled away and looked at my arms. He was silent, no why is he silent? Please no, please no diseases, no disorder. I want my son to be healthy. "Jungkook, is he healthy? Is our son healthy? He look fine to me, he is breathing,"

Jungkook wiped his tears and smiled, "Yes he is healthy,"

I hugged my baby, and I was relieved. "Thank god."

Jungkook hugged me again and he was still crying, "I love you."

I smiled. "I love you, thank you for this baby."

Jungkook shook his head, "I should be thankful for everything you did for me."

We are perfect, and at this moment, I want this me, Jungkook and our son. This is so perfect that it doesn't feel real and I am scared, I don't want this to be anything but not perfect.
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March 2020

This is probably my least favorite part of being an author. Book signing event, I am an introvert, and can't interact well. And when I meet my readers, I feel worried because I don't want to appear rude or awkward to them.

And now I am releasing the last part of the book.

They gave me a mic, I took a deep breath, and I stood at the podium, my heart pounding in my chest.

I took a deep breath and looked out at the crowd of people gathered before me. They were all here to celebrate the release of my latest book, the final installment in her bestselling thriller series. I thought Hyun will take all my time, and I will not get to write. But the opposite happened, after his birth, I started writing more and more. My books series got incredibly famous,

Hyun is our blessing, our life got better because of him.

"Thank you all so much for coming today," I began, my voice shaking slightly. "It's an honor to be here, to share this moment with all of you."

I took another deep breath and continued, "I want to start by thanking my husband, who has been my biggest supporter throughout this entire journey. He's been my rock, my sounding board, and my inspiration. I couldn't have done this without him."

I looked over at her husband, who was sitting in the front row, beaming with pride. Hyun was sitting on his lap, and he looked excited.

The audience erupted into applause, they looked at the way Jungkook was sitting, even from a distance I could see his ears turn red, and I smiled, feeling a sense of gratitude wash over me..

"And of course, I have to thank my son," I continued, my  voice softening. "He's the reason I started writing in the first place. He's given me so much joy and so much love, and I hope that one day he'll be proud of what his mom has accomplished."

The audience let out a collective "aww," and I felt my heart swell with emotion. I looked over at my son, who was grinning from ear to ear.

"And lastly, I want to thank all of you," I said, gesturing to the crowd. "My readers, my fans, my friends. You've all been there for me, through thick and thin. You've supported me, encouraged me, and believed in me. And for that, I am eternally grateful."

The audience erupted into applause once again, and I felt tears prick at the corners of my eyes. I took a deep breath and looked out at the sea of faces before me, feeling a sense of awe and wonder.

I thanked the audience and got off the stage. Jungkook was there to greet, "You did incredible honey."

He kissed my lips, I smiled. And hugged me.

"Yes mom, you were so cool!" Hyun said excitedly.

"Really? Eomma was so scared." I told him. He shook his head.

"Eomma doesn't look scared at all." He said. Making me smile bigger. Jungkook holds my hand and looks at me.

___

September 2022

"Eomma, we are going to surprise daddy with these gifts and cake?" Hyun asked.

I smiled. "Yes, it's Appa's birthday, right. We will surprise appa."

I said, I had shopping bags in one hand and I  was holding the cake in my other hand. "Give the bag to me, I want to help you."

"It's fine, Hyun, just be careful and focus on the road. Cross carefully when Eomma will cross. Eomma can't hold your hand." I said,

Hyung didn't listen to me, he started running while crossing the road. "Hyun! Not now!"

I ran after her kid. It happened so quickly, I didn't even see what happened.

And my kid was on the floor with a pool of blood.

___

It's suffocating, how can all this be happening? The black dress, it is making me sick.

What do they mean? My child is dead? How can he d'e?

He was the one who was making mine and Jungkook's relationship stronger, he was the reason why I was doing better in my career. Hyun was behind all my happiness.

And he was gone. Just because of my stupid mistake, I could have held him, I could have held his hand and not let him run.

How can I be so irresponsible? Do I deserve to be called a mother? Should I even be alive? I don't, I don't deserve to k'll.

I should d'e. I should follow my son. Jungkook must hate me. He must not even want to see me.

I can't face him, I can't face this reality.

I walked closer and closer to the Han river. And then I decided to take my life.

I ruined my perfect life. I don't deserve to live.

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