December 1, 2016

I wonder if people ever get that fear that they cannot change the tide that moves their lives around like it was gravity pulling them in.

I feel like I am drowning without any air left to breath, just there is no water around me, I am drowning in the pieces of myself she scattered around as she opened the door to leave.

Was I not the one that made her feel it all? And yet she left, and I did not know why, she left before I even got the chance to ask if she were ever mine, she left and all I could think about was how Miranda had been right.

Cecilia left.

What does it even mean though? Her leaving. What is she even leaving behind if we were never a real couple? We will still live at the same building, we will still have to see each other at campus, we will still have somewhat of the same inner circle. So, what does it mean for me then?

At least the semester was over, and I could avoid getting out of my apartment altogether, although it would only serve to remind me of her.

My sheets smelled of her, my couch reminded me of when she first acknowledged how she really felt, my kitchen reminded me of the time she cooked for me after I drunkenly called her.

Everything I thought of doing to escape the pain served only to find a way to remind me of her. After a while and without a plausible way to get her out of my mind I called the only person I thought might have a solution.

And even if a week ago it would have been an unimaginable choice for me to do, I decided there was only one person I could possibly talk about how I felt.

The only person who also understood what it was like to lose Cecilia Bailey. The person I desperately hoped had already figured out how to get the professor out of one's mind for good.

There I was, seating in a secluded coffee shop to which I had never been before as I waited for my last hope to show up.

The smell of brewing coffee and expensive pastry brought comfort to my chest, and for the first time since the professor had walked out my door it did not feel like my lungs were burning and my heart was being squeezed out of its primary function.

The comfort that place got me feeling was probably the reason why I disconnected from my surrounding, so much so I did not notice when the chair in front of me was pulled, or when the waitress came over, or even when whatever had been ordered was placed on the table.

"I figured I would let you have those few moments of peace before you were reminded why we are even here to begin with." Miranda's voice startled me after I had opened my eyes.

The pitiful smile on her face was one I had never seen before, and yet I felt like I would be seeing plenty of those from then on.

"I truly hoped I would be wrong this time, I wanted you two to work. For the first time I felt she had finally found someone worth the trouble." The doctor said taking a sip of her own coffee.

"So, you thought I brought too much trouble into her life?" I knew well enough that I did, but I honestly believed she had no idea about any of it—I could not be any more mistaken, though.

"You know, when she first asked me to clear my schedule to see one of her friends, it got me curious. I thought I knew all her friends, at least the ones that lived in the city, and yet there you were in front of me, an almost perfect copy of myself only twenty years younger, and at first that was all I could notice."

"But then, as I kept seeing you around something clicked and I decided to look over your personal file. I am not proud of that, I must admit. Nonetheless there it was, your mother's name." I had no idea what she was getting into, but even if I had tried to guess I would have gotten it wrong.

"Did Cecilia ever tell you she had a massive crush on your mother when she was the student?" First, what? Second, I realized then Miranda had always known I was her ex's student and yet never used that information to her advantage.

"So that's the real reason why my mother always made her nervous? And here I thought it was because mom was her superior." To that we both laughed, even in emotional pain I had to admit how comic the whole thing was.

"I think after a while she realized it was one of those stupid crushed towards a professor you eventually have to let go of, and later on, if I recall correctly, she even felt a little ashamed of ever feeling like that in the first place." Miranda seemed to be travelling back in time as she talked.

Her eyes, even though they were directed at me, felt hollow, as if she was recalling a distant memory.

"My point is, physically speaking you had my looks, but more important so, you had your mother's confidence. I'm guessing here, but I think that struck something inside of her, like she had found her perfect match." So much for perfect match.

"And since we are being honest, I felt that as well. There was no competing with you once I realized what you meant for her, but as I suppose you are starting to figure out, Cecilia Bailey is one powerful drug, hard to let go." I felt a strange peace of mind after that.

At least I knew then that what I was feeling was a nasty but common aftermath of losing the professor, even if she was never mine to begin with.

"Well, at least you can say you two were a thing at some point, your brain had a word to help you process it, 'breakup'. Did you know she never even put a label on us? Not only that, whenever I came up with the subject, she would find a way to end the conversation and have me apologize for ever bringing it up in the first place."

I do not know what was more shocking, opening up about that, or realizing Miranda was not surprised by it at all.

"If you want to understand what happened for her to leave and get a chance to salvage whatever it was you two had, you need to see things through her eyes." Miranda said soberly as she rested both her hands around the coffee mug in front of her.

To say I was not expecting that would have been one of the many understatements of this crazy year.

Suddenly and without notice the woman I had reached out for comfort and guidance on how to get over my somewhat ex, was telling me I should not be giving up just yet. The same woman whom I realized after our talk was just as madly in love with the professor as I was, and even so she was willing to help me win Cecilia over once again.

"Try seeing it this way, Cecilia must have realized that much like she once was infatuated with your mother, you were with her. Now we both know you feel much more than infatuation for your professor, but clearly, she is unable to believe it, either that or she is choosing to ignore it."

"And if she is now ashamed of ever having any feelings towards your mother, how do you suppose she thinks you will eventually feel about her?" It was fair to say it had never once crossed my mind that she would have left as a way of mitigating her losses, but then again, I did not have the knowledge of her younger self's infatuation.

"You're telling me she broke up because she's scared I'll regret ever being with her?" I knew well enough that was what the doctor meant, but it was hard to think it could be that simple.

The doctor on the other hand must have taken me as mentally incapable by the way she rolled her eyes at me—I could see why Cecilia would get annoyed whenever I did that.

"If she sticks to pattern, I'd say she will take the school break to her advantage and be gone for the next month or so. She will most likely try to forget you ever existed in her life and will probably travel somewhere that can help her do just that." I wondered if she would go back to Rome.

"I suggest you try to take that time to figure out how you can convince her of your own feelings and then maybe she might just stop being such a self-centered bitch and realize she's just causing both of you unnecessary pain, although I don't think it's going to be that easy." More like impossible if she had asked me.

"As I'm sure you have noticed she can be very... stubborn once she put her mind to something, and right about now she's choosing to put her mind on the task of stop thinking about you." After that last piece of advice, the doctor left me alone to figure out what I should do next.

The problem was, I had no idea what to do to convince the professor about how I felt, and to top it off, Evelyn had made me apply for the Family Law assistant position, but that was before Cecilia left, which meant now there was a chance I might find myself in a very awkward situation when the next school year starts.

On the bright side, at least since Cecilia will be out traveling, I will not have to worry with her screwing me over on the interview evaluation.

Remi

Was it really that inconceivable for you to talk things through instead of fleeing?