August 27, 2016

It has been 27 days since I have had any peace of mind regarding my love life. But then again, who is counting?

27 days of feeling like an impostor in my own relationship.

27 days of not knowing what to do.

27 days since I realized I still feel about the same whenever she gets near me.

27 days of trying to do my best to be someone I am not.

It is not easy trying to be someone else, but I felt a sense of obligation toward Kat's feelings. The only way I thought to keep her from getting hurt—by me at least—, was by trying my best to be this person she seemed to think I was.

After all, how was I supposed to explain to the girl I just started dating that I am confused about our relationship?

I knew what it meant to come clean. It meant hurt, and confusion, and chaos. Even if we had just started dating, she would, in the very minimum, feel used—I should have realized she was in too deep already.

Kat was everything I needed, so why the hell was it so hard for me to focus on that? Instead, all my mind could think of was the one person who should not be invading my thoughts to begin with.

But she was not making it any easier on me.

Miranda being out of the picture, meant Cecilia no longer had someone keeping her from doing whatever she wanted to do. And apparently, for the past 27 days, what she wanted to do was to connect.

Lucy said I was seeing the Cecilia she grew up with for the first time. When she told me that, it got me thinking, how many versions of themselves could a person have?

At first, I met the professional Cecilia, the one who wanted nothing to do with a student, I even remember thinking, in the very beginning, that maybe that was all I was supposed to know about the woman.

After a while though, I came to meet all this whole package of other versions of her. The heartbroken Cecilia, the cold Cecilia, the caring Cecilia, the possessive Cecilia, the shattered Cecilia, the loving Cecilia...

There was a plentitude of facades of the same person, I often got myself wondering which one was the predominant one, which one was the Cecilia Bailey. I hoped it would be the one in the frame she had on her living room.

That one I did not have a simple name for, for it was so complex, even if it was only a fraction of a second captured into a picture. So, with no better name for it, I decided jut to call it, the one from the frame.

The one from the frame was not the one I had come to know the past 27 days, but something in me felt this new version was the one that would lead me for my favorite version of Cecilia, the one I had only seen but never met, the one from the frame.

This version I had been getting to know though, this version was just as complex. It was always warm, never cold, always present, never distant, filled only with goodness, there was not one single drop of devilishness in it. I was almost sure it was havens sent.

But this version showed me something new in Cecilia. Jealousy—okay, maybe there was this one small drop of devilishness in the end.

I had seen the professor being possessive over me back when I had a thing with Nay. Yet jealousy was a new concept.

I could see for the first time that she genuinely cared about the fact I was dating someone, not because she was not getting the attention she thought to be entitled to, but rather because I was getting the attention I deserved—or did not deserve—, from someone else other than her.

And that was why I did not have the slightest idea what to do.

It would be one thing if she had not cared I was dating someone, or if she had just acted like she did back when it was Nay. But that was not the case this time.

Of course, I am not saying she had gotten out of a relationship the way she had, and suddenly switched her attention and feelings towards me. I am also not saying she sees me as more than some sort of rebound, because I honestly do not know what goes on inside her head.

And to understand what I have been trying to make sense of myself, maybe it is best I start from the day after I gave her the book.

I had given her the book on a Friday, and hoped she would come around to it eventually, but as it turned out, it was just what she needed to read in that particular moment—right after the breakup, I mean.

The book was a collection of poetries focused on the women's strengths, their power to overcome any obstacles in their lives.

Ironically enough it gave the professor the tools she needed to completely let go of her story with the doctor. Not only that, but it also got her thinking about what she had abdicated for that relationship to work.

But that also meant, she had decided to try and be more present to her friends, which meant she was making a conscious effort of being around more often.

It does not take a genius to realize my girlfriend did not take it the best way. To be honest, she was not the only one, no one seemed to be taking this whole knew Cecilia thing.

Evelyn was all motherly and all, but the woman could not take clingy people to save her life, and that was how she took this new version of her friend. Too clingy for her liking, so honoring herself, she just told Cecilia to cut the crap and get over herself. Fair to say the other professor was upset.

And apparently, Evelyn was not the only one, Eve said all the other professors who are friends with Cecilia did not take this new act of hers—her words.

Also, as it turned out, Cecilia did not have many close friends outside of work, at least not many who stuck around after the breakup anyways.

Which left her with one friend outside of work—apart from her sister of course—and that was me.

She did try to get along with Kat, though. But my nice and caring girlfriend did not take it for long. After a couple weeks Kat just could not take having Cecilia popping out anymore—She interrupted us in the middle of doing it, by showing up at my door a few times.

After she got Kat fed up with her presence, my dear girlfriend made it clear that she did not mind our friendship, but still asked me to make sure Cecilia would not be around when she was.

Which sucked to be honest. I was sort of glad Kat was around whenever Cecilia was, because it meant I had a visual reminder to behave. Not that I would cheat—though I felt like I had already done it—, but rather so my mind would not wonder.

Nevertheless, I did as Kat had instructed, and found a way to make time for both of them—that did not sound right, did it?

But that also meant this new version of Cecilia, was being as closes to everything I had wished her to be as humanly possible, making it insanely difficult for me not to imagine what it would be like if we were both single at the same time.

I really wish I had never had any expectations when it comes to that woman—but saying that would been lying—, and to see those expectations being sort of fulfilled was making me go crazy.

I felt torn inside whenever I was with her, but also, whenever I was with my actual girlfriend.

If only there was a way to make them be one, my life would be so much easier. But there was not and I knew it.

I also knew I was not giving myself fully to my relationship. Whenever I was with Kat, I could not help but wonder what it would be like if it was the professor instead.

Eventually I finally accepted the fact it was best to just end it now and spare Kat from getting a broken heart. I had learned my lesson with Nay­—or so I thought.

I decided today was as bad a day as any to end things with Kat.

Sometimes I wonder if the kids who were born after the 2000's have it right, they do not lure someone into a sort of trap just to breakup, they just text their intentions and that is about it. But I was not born this century, so I knew no better.

Today was Sunday which meant Kat would be coming over so we could spend the day together, therefore I did not have to make an excuse for her to come over, but it also meant there was no we-need-to-talk sort of call.

She was being lured and she had no idea it was even happening—I can see now that I approached the situation from a completely wrong angle, but in my defense, I was trying to make things right.

I had made us both lunch as a sort of before-hand apology, in case I did not get the chance to verbalize it. But of course, she took it as her caring girlfriend trying to do something nice.

After we ate, I moved our talk to the couch, but she took it in a way I had not expected at all—although I should have realized that would happen, most times my couch got involved in anything relating our relationship, it ended with us in bed.

She started kissing me and taking my shirt of and I thought that maybe sex before a breakup was not such a bad idea—Amy is right, for someone so academically smart, I seem to not have a functional brain at all.

And then, there we were, in my bed after mind-blowing sex—I am going to miss that—, and just as I mouthed the words "We need to breakup," she had to say a few other words just as powerful "I think I'm falling in love with you."

I need a shirt with Remi Hayes is an asshole printed on it so I can walk around dressed in it and maybe, just maybe, this way no one will get any wrong conclusions about me.

"What the hell, Remi?" I thought she would slap me, so I closed my eyes, but the sting never came and after a while, like the coward I am, I opened my eyes one at a time just to see Kat siting on my bed, with her shirt back on as she hugged a pillow.

"I really didn't want to hurt you or anything like that." In this moment I had to choose carefully what to say, and yet just then I noticed I had not prepared what I was supposed to say.

"Is it because of Lucy's sister?" Talk about great instincts.

"It's because of no one but myself." I was not exactly lying, that is called taking over the narrative—I might just end up being a good lawyer after all.

"I don't think I'm in the right mindset to be in a relationship right now. I really thought I was, and I really tried, for you, because let's face it, you are amazing, and I will probably never get a chance to be with someone like you ever again. But this isn't fair on you, I'm not all in, and I'd hate to keep leading you on." I really think I did not do half as bad as I thought I would when I noticed I had not prepared myself for that talk.

But it was useless, she was neither stupid, nor blind.

"Don't bullshit me, okay? Don't you think I noticed how much you changed around me once Cecilia got back from her trip? Whenever you and Lucy would secretively talk about her breakup and how much you two didn't expect it to happen. And all those times Lucy pretty much mourned the fact her sister had 'lost her chance with you'. Yeah, I heard that." That was on point.

What can someone possibly answer to that.

"Look, Lucy had this crazy idea that Cecilia and I would make a good couple, but we both always tried to make it clear to her that we were only friends." Once again, that was half a good save.

"Don't try to read too much into it. You are so amazing, and the only reason I didn't end things earlier, even though now I see I was wrong by not doing so, was because I kept reminding myself of how much you were exactly everything I needed." I really just wanted to make sure she knew how amazing she actually was.

"But not everything you wanted, clearly." Truth hurts, I realized it the second she threw that one. "You know what? I'm glad you didn't end things earlier, because at least now I know what an asshole looks like." She said that as she got dressed and before I could say anything else my front door was being slammed.

I let myself fall back on my bed, and even if that had been one of the most uncomfortable moments in my life, I was glad it had happened. I finally felt the weight being lifted off my shoulders.

And now I had only one thing left to do, to make sure I was not going to be anyone's rebound.

As tempting as it is to just let myself fall for this new version of the professor, I have known Cecilia long enough to be skeptical of any improvements to her personality, for I know any step forward, can just as easily become ten backwards.

Clear to say I am scared shitless to believe in a happy ending regarding myself.

Remi

And I'm starting to realize that after three long years, I still feel about the same whenever you get near.