The Glock was shaking in his hand while the last shards touched the ground, tinkling. His lungs were burning; it felt like someone was keeping his head underwater. He couldn't breath. 

In slow motion he saw Clay freeze, then a jolt went through his body and he collapsed. 

He didn't move. 

Juice stared at the body, at the blood that was pouring from a wound in the back of his head. 

He had killed his brother. His former president. 

There was a heavy stab in his chest, his hands were trembling as he reached out to the door to keep himself from falling. It didn't help; his legs collapsed nevertheless and he sank down on the ground. 

He didn't know what hit him harder; the fact that he had killed another member or the thought that Alex would have died if he hadn't pulled the trigger. Not for a moment he had planned to let her leave alone, but he had neither been in the mood to have another discussion. He wouldn't win it anyway. Like some back up he had been waiting at the back door. What would have happened if Clay hadn't been within his reach or when he had been too late or simply missed... He rather not thought about that, although he knew it was a nightmare that would plague him for the rest of his life. 

His eyes met those of Alex. He didn't know what to feel; there was no intense joy because she and the baby were unharmed. He was angry because she hadn't listened to him, and shocked because he had killed someone and at the same time he was afraid of the backlash all of this would have. 

His heartbeat was resonating in his head, like a bullet that was fired over and over again. His limbs felt heavy, his skin heated as if he was having a fever. All sounds seemed to fade.

What a mess. 

What a fucking mess. 

Something itched down his cheek, and roughly he wiped his face with his arm. Those fucking tears. As if those were of any help. He was just so done with all this shit. With all the deaths, all backstabbing, all the secrets he had to keep. He couldn't take much more, he was sure of it. It felt like he was trapped in a sinking ship. All he could do was wait until the thing would be swallowed by the sea. His only other option was to jump overboard, knowing he wouldn't last long. If he wouldn't drown in loneliness, there surely would be some shark shredding him to pieces; a club enemy that would torture him until he died. 

He was a dead man either way. 

He shoved back when Alex tried to open the door. She knelt down next to him, wrapping her arms around him. Although he was still mad at her, he pulled her close. 

He had almost lost her. My god  – what would he do then? 

"I'm sorry," she said softly. "I never expected him to..."

She silenced. Juice felt relieved, for they both knew it was a lie. She knew very well what risks she took and still she had pursued her plan. 

"I don't know how much longer I can do this," he sniffled. "It feels like there are rocks piling up on my back and at some point they will just pulverize me." He noticed he was shaking and squeezed his eyes shut. "The former president who wants to kill a prospect to cover something up, the fact that we're the cartel's bitch... we've ran through minefields, the cops tried to fuck me over by using my race, brothers who are forced to decide which one of them should die in prison... It's all just fucking insane. Nobody ever told me shit like this would happen; I would be the tech guy, hacking shit. I'm not made for this gangster life man. My stress levels are higher than ever and I have the feeling the tiniest thing can make me explode. What if I hadn't followed you, Alex? You would have been dead now. You and the baby. Both gone in one second, because you wanted to do it 'your way'. I don't want to look over your shoulder the whole time but you just don't know what being careful means; you always barge into shit and don't care about the consequences." Sniffing, he wiped his eyes. "I miss the old times," he muttered before she would get mad again. "In which I didn't have to distrust my brothers, when we just delivered some guns while everything else was just... peaceful. And now... Now I killed Clay. They're gonna hang me."

"Juice..." She took his face between her hands, wiping away the tears with her thumbs. "Clay killed Piney and tried to take out Tara because she had evidence proving Clay's hand in John Teller's death. Jax wants to eliminate him for quite some time, but he couldn't. Nobody is going to resent you for this. And if they are going to blame someone, it will be me. For I was the one who wanted to talk with Clay first."

"W-what? Why – why do you know all this? Why did nobody fill me in?"

"You remember that time Jax and I talked things out? He explained to me why Clay and he were in a fight. Initially I thought Jax was just power-hungry, but then he told me all the shitty things Clay had done."

Juice gritted his teeth. "Why does he tell this to a prospect and not to me?!"

Alex shrugged her shoulders. "I guess it gave him an opportunity to get me on his side. Almost nobody knew, Juice, Clay couldn't sense anything. Jax was afraid he would run off."

Angrily, Juice shook his head. "Do they trust me at all?!"

"The fewer people knew about it, the better, Juice. Bobby and Chibs knew about it, the others didn't. Tig didn't know, nor Kozik, nor Hap... Don't take it personal."

Juice sighed. He turned his head to the side and stared at the corpse in the living room. Unbelievable. Clay was dead. It didn't really dawn on him. 

"What now Alex?" he asked in a whisper. "Should we hide the body and pretend we know shit? I'm not sure I can do that... We are already having so much secrets." His breathing sped up, he started to panic. 

"No. We tell them the truth. That I wanted to confess my involvement in the raids to Jax, that I didn't want to stab Clay in the back, offering him a chance to join me. You tried to talk me out of it and followed me because you didn't trust Clay, and then you shot him when he was about to shoot me. We don't have to tell them a single lie."

"But what if they don't believe us?" he asked in a trembling voice. 

"They will believe me," Alex answered confidently. "I'm lying to them for almost a year and they never saw through. That won't be any different if I actually tell them the truth."

Juice bent his head. He didn't know anything anymore. Lately, Alex made a lot of misjudgments but he didn't object. He had no better plan. For keeping even more secrets – he just couldn't.