Alex was sitting on the balcony, a smoldering cigarette between her lips, her fingers wrapped around a bottle of whisky. It was tempting to take a few swings. It had became a habit since she was a Son – or since she was at last trying to become one.

If she continued her pregnancy, it meant she could no longer smoke and drink. How the hell was she supposed to explain that to the guys? 

She was so fucked. 

What else could she do than getting rid of the baby?

And still – still that thought stung. It felt too easy, even cowardly. Was she absolutely sure she didn't want to have a kid? She had never wanted them. Oliver had talked about babies in a very early stage of their relationship and it had given her the heebie-jeebies immediately. But things had been different with him. He had wanted to restrict her freedom; he had done everything he could to keep her from joining the military. 

Juice was different. He found it hard that her life was sometimes in danger, but he never tried to shoot her dreams down. And that was exactly why it was so hard to destroy his dream. Sure – he was young. He could knock up girls for the rest of his life. She however was afraid to lose him if she aborted the child. Having a family was so important to him... she didn't want him to give that dream up for her. 

But again, it was fear that was controlling her brain. 

Fear to become a horrible mother that would ruin a child's life. 

Fear to lose someone she loved. 

Both fears were just as strong. 

Her eyes glided to the bottle. With a sigh, she put it on the ground. No, she didn't want to have to feel ashamed of her motherhood already. Putting out her cigarette, she got up. Maybe it was time to talk to a woman. 

 . . .

Mila looked surprised when she opened the door to let Alex in. Alex wasn't surprised; she didn't stop by often. Although their relationship was better than a few weeks ago, they were still growing apart. 

"Hey," Alex muttered as she entered the house. She headed for the living room and sat down on the edge of the couch. 

Worried, Mila took her in. "You okay?"

"No." She sighed. "I'm pregnant."

Cursing, Mila widened her eyes. "Are you kidding me?!"

With a gruff face she shook her head. 

Mila sat down next to her and wrapped an arm around her. "You going to keep it?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "Juice wants to keep it."

"So? You never care much about what others want."

She snorted cynically. "Because I'm a selfish bitch?"

"Yeah, most days you are."

Mila's down-to-earth honesty made the corners of her lips curl up. Then, gloominess got the upper hand again. "I'm afraid I will lose him if I abort it."

"That shouldn't be a reason to undergo a change like that. You should look at what you want, Lex."

"Whether I keep it or get rid of it – fear is the main motivator in both situations." She sighed softly. "When did I become such a coward?"

Mila squeezed her shoulder. "You're not, sweetheart. But because of the world you're living in those days, you have the feeling it's wrong to be scared. And that's a lie. Fear is healthy. It's called a survival instinct for a reason."

Alex was silent for a while. With her hand she glided across her stomach. It was unbelievable that there was something small growing inside her. Something Juice and she made. She imagined a little boy, half of his hair shaved off and with a smile alike his father.

Juice would be a great dad. He was sweet, protective and he could be firm when he needed to. 

"You think I could be a good mom?" she asked Mila. She didn't look at her, but kept staring at the wall. 

"Why wouldn't you? You're the most bad ass mom I can think of. Without a doubt I would trust you with my kid." Mila laid a hand on her knee. "Why do you think you won't?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "The moment I hear a baby cry I have this urge to slam it against the wall until it shuts up, and sometimes when I see those moms with annoying kids I really have to force myself not to slap them."

A smirk crossed Mila's lips. "They always say it's different with your own kids. Your own flesh and blood, stemming from the love between you and someone else. Something you wear under your heart for nine months."

Alex sighed. "But what if they're wrong? What if I will hate it? Even if I try to hide it, the kid will feel it. It's just... My whole world will center around that little monster."

She took a deep breath when the tears were balancing on her eyelashes. 

Mila took her hand. "Everyone expecting their first child is scared, Alex. Not a single parent knows beforehand how to raise a child. That mother instinct will grow along the way."

"But I'm not like everyone else," Alex answered stubbornly. "I don't want to be responsible for some little brat. You know me. I need adrenaline. If they kick me out of the club, I will probably find something else that is extreme. How can I ever feel that rush if I have a toddler crawling around? And my parents died when I was young, I know that pain. I can't do that to my kid, which just means I will have to sit on the couch for the rest of my life." She bent forward and looked at the two dog tags that were tattooed on her arm. Her thumb traced the lines. Kip's was still empty. The day she got her top rocker, she would add his date of death to it. Like some final closure. "I'm reckless. I'm selfish. That aren't exactly qualities I'm going to win the best mom award with, huh?"

"But you won't raise that child alone, Lex. Juice isn't reckless, he's not selfish. He complements you. The things you find hard, are natural to him. And the other way around. You two are in balance. Together you will find a good way to raise your child, I'm sure of it. You shouldn't ask yourself if you can raise a child, because you'll find your way. What's important, is whether you want a child. For you always told me you didn't want to have kids, even when you were less harsh and reckless than you are now."

She let Mila's words sink in, trying to make sense of the chaos in her head. Why had she never wanted children? Because it meant trouble. Because it restricted her freedom. Because she would be forced into some straightjacket while everyone would tell her how to behave, how to look, how to be a mom. 

At the same time, she also realized her boyfriend was an outlaw, that he was in a gang and that their child would grow up in a world full of violence and sex. They would never be a normal family – one wouldn't even expect it from her and somehow that thought was a relief. She would be able to determine her own values; society wouldn't force her into anything because she didn't fit in anyway. 

Sure – she didn't know if she was allowed to visit Charming once the truth came out. But if she was pregnant with Juice's child... would it soften their hearts? It connected her to him, connected her to the club. 

Shame invaded her heart because she was contemplating how she could use her future baby. It was the nature of the beast, she couldn't do much about it. If she was pregnant anyway... why not trying to take advantage of it? 

. . .

The conversation with Mila was a relief, even though shreds of it kept echoing in her head for a long time. Without cleaning up the bathroom she stepped into the bath tub and turned on the water. 

Juice and I form a balance... It was a thought that kept returning to her – one she agreed with. In some ways they were similar, but in many ways they were opposites. Still, something curious fluttered in her stomach; curiosity to how their child would look like. What similarities would it share with Juice? And with her? 

After finishing her bath she went to bed. Kozik hadn't returned. Strange enough she didn't feel too worried; she trusted Juice. Even if Kozik took her secret to the table, there wasn't much she could do about it. She decided to let it just wash over her. 

And right at that moment, she decided to let this whole pregnancy also wash over her. Juice told her he believed that she could be a good mom. Even if she doubted it, she wanted to trust his insight, knowing he knew her better than anyone. 

Close to midnight the bedroom door opened and Juice slipped into the bed. She rolled to the side and wrapped her arms around him. 

"You calmed down Koz?" she asked. 

He kissed her before answering: "Yeah. He didn't promise me anything, but I think he will keep his mouth shut the next three months." His hand curled around her hip, from there it glided to her stomach. Lovingly, his fingers stroked her kin. "How do you feel?"

"Tired." She kissed his shoulder, looking up to him. "How about you?"

"Also tired." He lifted the corner of his mouth. "Don't want to think about the other things I feel."

Alex pushed him on his back and rolled on top of him. His hands glided to her behind as she caressed his face. For a moment her lips came down on his, then she searched for his eyes again. "You got an idea how to explain my sudden smoke and drink break to the others?"

A warm feeling spread through her chest when the hope flashed in his eyes. "That's not that hard... We'll just tell 'em you have some bet with your brother with which you will earn a  lot of money if you don't smoke and drink for six months. Just picture him like some health freak."

He sounded so casual it made her chuckle. "You already tried to tackle that issue the past hour?"

He pressed his lips against hers before he looked her in the eye again. "Honestly, it was a spur-of-the-moment kind of thing. I wasn't allowing any hope the past hours."

She raised herself a little and kissed the arch of his eyebrow. For a moment she closed her eyes in bliss as his hands roamed across her back. The fact that he came up so easily with a solution of a problem that had really bothered her an hour ago, strengthened the feeling they were indeed in balance. 

"I think I want to keep the baby," she said. 

"Really?!" His voice cracked. 

When tears filled his eyes, she blinked away the fluid herself too. 

"Aborting a baby with the genes of a beautiful person like you feels like a mortal sin."

"Holy shit!" He sat up straight and wrapped his arms around her. His eyes were wide in disbelief. "That means I will be a dad."

"Hmm – maybe I will be the father figure and you the mother figure." She pushed him back on the mattress and imprisoned him with her body. "Parenthood means we enjoy and suffer together, huh?" Her eyes floated above his. "Which means you gotta live without cigarettes, drugs and booze for nine months too."

Smirking, he shrugged his shoulders. Right now, there was nothing he would protest about.