"Where the fuck are you?" Kozik grunted. He had already been pissed by the discovery about Shane, and sitting in front of an empty house after rolling his wheelchair through the streets for at least half an hour, didn't exactly improve his mood. 

There was hesitation on the other side of the line. 

"Alex called me and asked me to come over."

Alex. 

The fact that Juice suddenly acted like addressing her by that name was the most normal thing in the world, made his blood boil. "I'm at your door."

"Oh." Silence. "I'll be there in a minute. You uh – you want me to bring Alex with me?"

"No, I don't have any interest in seeing her anytime soon," he grunted. 

"Okay," Juice answered quietly, like his words were hurting him. "I'm on my way."

Kozik ended the call. He turned his wheelchair away from the front door and looked up to the nightly sky. The betrayal burnt underneath his skin – just like the self-reproach. Had he really been that blind? He should have seen it, right? 

The others don't know either, he told himself. 

But it was different. Shane had been his prospect, he had looked after the kid from the very beginning. He knew him much longer than the others and he fucking lived in his house. And now, he had no idea with who he had spent all those hours. 

Juice barely looked at him when he parked his bike and quickly slipped past him to open the door. Kozik rolled inside. His fingers felt cramped, as if his 'walk' had been too much. Or maybe it was the anger that made him feel so tense. Leaning on the armrest of the couch he got up. As Juice offered him a helping hand, Kozik slapped his arm away. 

"You want a drink?" Juice asked quietly. 

His soft response showed Kozik that he felt at least ashamed or guilty. "Just gimme somethin' strong."

Quietly, Juice returned to the kitchen, filled two glasses and gave one to Kozik before he sat down on a chair. 

"How long do you know?"

"She told me a few days after Miles died."

"So months ago," he concluded, shaking his head. He cursed. "I don't get it Juice. I don't fucking get it. How the hell could you keep this to yourself. Is she such a good fuck?"

"It's nothing like that. Sex isn't the reason I didn't tell anyone. Getting that top rocker is important for her. It's like the only thing she lives for! I want her to earn it, okay? She's a good prospect, she promised to tell the others the minute her prospecting period is over..."

"And how do you think they're gonna react?! When they're all counting on a full member and discover they have wasted a whole year by training a girl?!"

"That's up to them. They can count on Alex. They can patch her in!"

"She's a girl!!" he snapped. Man – did nothing sink in with him?

"So? Does it affect her qualities?"

"C'mon Juice, don't be so naive. You know we can't allow women in the club. Not a single MC allows women. And if we do, we lose our reputation. No one's gonna do business with a club that needs women to fill their ranks."

"When will someone see her? Nobody needs to know that she's a girl."

Kozik heaved a deep sigh and rubbed his face. "Juice, she's not going to be a Son. Talk it out of her head man."

"I don't have to," he muttered. "She knows. All she wants is recognition and honor her family name."

Kozik sighed again. "I see what's she trying. But I can't see why you neglected your duty. You should have brought it to the table the moment you found out."

Juice let out a long sigh. "She just saved my life," he muttered. "A few hours before she told me. Man – I was fucking mad when I found out, but I didn't want to be a snitch. Maybe women can't be patched in, but there are no rules literally stating they can't prospect. She told me she would reveal the truth the moment she'd earned her patch. I dunno – It just felt wrong to rat her out."

"She saved your life? When?"

He bent his head and scratched his nail across the edge of the glass. "I wanted to hang myself. That shit with Miles... it got into my head. Kept asking myself if I'd done the right thing, if there might have been other solutions..." He took a deep breath. "But Alex went looking for me – as if she sensed what I was about to do. She stopped me... and later that night she told me what Miles had done to her and why had deserved to die." He looked up, studying Kozik's face. "Miles knew the truth about her too. He raped her for hours, that night he stole the drugs. He filmed her when she was showering and threatened to send it to everyone. She could have called for help – but she lives for that patch, Koz. And I thought... if she allowed something so horrible for that patch, then... I just didn't have the heart to ruin it for her. Her whole family is dead, she's discharged from the military – this is all she has." Suddenly, tears gathered in his eyes. "I love her, Kozik. I love her since the day I met her, even when I thought that she was a guy. I just... I just couldn't destroyed another dream. Her last dream."

Juice's story made him silent. His wish to end his life, Alex who had been raped by a brother, the knowledge that Alex had nothing but the club... It was a lot to take in. 

"And we're the only ones who know?"

To his surprise, the man shook his head. "Tara knows too, after the rape she examined Alex. And... Clay knows."

"Clay?!" he exclaimed in disbelief. 

"There in that minefield, when you two didn't show up... I panicked because I thought she had died and I called out her real name. Clay believes she's a good asset, someone we can use right now and he told me he respected her and her brother."

Were they really talking about the same Clay? It was hard to believe – he had believed that if there was one person who would disapprove of her because of her gender, it was Clay. 

"Why doesn't she tell the others?" he mused. "If she tells her secret now, if she explains all this... then maybe the guys will be okay with her being a prospect for three more months."

"It's not the same for her. She wants to earn that top rocker in a way everyone else does. If pity is the underlying reason..." He shook his head. "No way. She wants to earn that thing herself, and there after she will face judgment."

It wasn't so much her judgment he was worried about – rather that of Juice and himself. But if Clay knew too... they couldn't excommunicate half of the club. Furthermore there was quite a chance he had to hand in his kutte anyway, since it was unsure if he would ever be able to ride again. The thought caused a heavy feeling in his chest, of which he knew it could completely control his thinking. That's why he shook it off and concentrated on Juice again. 

"I have to think about this. Whatever I'll do – I don't want to regret it."

Juice nodded in understanding and drank from his glass. 

Kozik studied his face for a while, lifting the corner of his mouth. "And you let the whole world believe that you're gay..." Chuckling, he shook his head. 

"I believed I was gay too," the man murmured. Awkwardly, her rubbed the back of his neck. "She turns me into a better person Koz," he said softly. "She helps me... to clear my thoughts. And I help her to clear hers, I guess. I try. It's not always easy, she can be very... unreasonable."

"Say that again," he said as he thought back to how angry she had been when he told her he would tell Juice about the baby. "She told you the big news?"

"Yeah," Juice sighed. 

"And?"

He shrugged his shoulders and leaned forward. "I can only hope she wants to keep it. It would be horrible if it was aborted." He stared at his hands. "She's afraid she can't be a good mom. And fear... fear should never be the reason to do something like that."

Kozik nodded slowly. There was an uncomfortable silence; usually he would have congratulated his brother with the news, but it was different now it was unsure if he would even become a father.

"She said she needed time. That – that gives me hope." He twisted one of his rings. "If she really goes through with the abortion... I'm not sure how I will react. I rather avoid thinking about it, I don't think I will easily get over it and it will undoubtedly influence our relationship." His shoulders slumped down. "In a bad way."