There was a deadly silence in the clubhouse. Juice's chest seemed to be filled with stones; they were pressing painfully against his ribs and he could barely breathe. He was craving for a joint, to something to ease the stress, but he knew it would be disrespectful. And so he stared at the tabletop, waiting until Jax was ready to initiate the viewing. 

Finally the door opened, and Juice looked up. Jax entered the room, followed by Bobby. Just like the others Juice stood up and lowered his head respectfully. With an empty gaze Jax walked through the clubhouse to the Chapel. 

The other Sons followed him and they formed a circle around the coffin. Tig helped Kozik out of his wheelchair and supported him. Juice wondered what thoughts shot through the man's head. Was he aware of the fact that he would have laid there too a few weeks ago, if Alex hadn't pulled him away from the mine? If he would have been that lucky that there was still a part of him intact...

Even though Juice would rather not look into the coffin, he forced himself to do it. All the injuries on Opie's face were still visible, underlining the sacrifice he had made. In jail his brothers had gone through a couple of horrible hours. Jax had to choose which of them would leave next morning in a body bag. If he refused, they would have killed them all. 

Opie had sacrificed himself. 

He had given the club everything. And while Juice was staring at his face, he wondered if he was worthy to be a member of this club at all. He didn't think he would have had the balls to make the same choice as Opie. Lately there had been so many moments he had shown his weakness... He had been close to betraying the club an he knew he would have done it if Alex hadn't stopped him. And Opie... Opie had lost everything because of the club. His wife. His father. And now his own life. While he had given the club already so much in the past, by spending years in jail. It was unfair – he had made more than enough sacrifices. 

Juice had the feeling that he belonged in that coffin. If there was someone who deserved to die, it was him. A few weeks ago he had even held a rope in his hands. If Alex hadn't found him, he would have been laid out too. However, nobody would have praised him for his courage. They would have been disgusted by his weakness. 

He took a deep breath when the thoughts in his head became more gruesome, the self-reproach harder and harder to bear. It felt like his mind was pulling him inside his head, like his surroundings were fading. Before his brain was shut down by a panic attack, he felt warm fingers lacing with his. Someone was holding his hand. 

The touch was enough to slip back to reality. Alex didn't look at him, she was staring into the coffin, but he did feel her thumb rubbing along his thumb in a soothing way. Knowing that there was someone around who was glad that he wasn't the one in the coffin, calmed him down a little and he took a few deep breaths. 

As much as he liked holding her hand, he had to let go of her when it was time to leave. Alex left the room with the other girls and prospects until only the full patched members stood around Opie's casket. Jax laid another picture in the coffin, then they all lifted the lid and closed it. A lump formed in Juice's throat as he realized it was the last time he had seen his friend's face. 

In silence they carried the coffin out of the room and through the clubhouse. Juice kept his eyes aimed at the ground while they slowly walked to the car that was waiting for them. Quietly they shoved the casket in the vehicle. When the hearse started to leave, they went back inside to have a drink to commemorate Opie. 

The atmosphere remained depressed. The music was played on a low volume and Juice expected it wouldn't take long before everyone went home. Some clearly needed a distraction and took a girl to their room. His glance also slid to a small group of girls. A blond one gave him a shy smile. He dropped his eyes, he wasn't sure what he wanted right now. 

Only when fingers were stroking his hand again, he knew he didn't want a sweet butt right now. He didn't know if Alex had wanted to tell him something by holding his hand an hour ago, but wherever this blonde would touch him, it wouldn't lead to the same feeling that Alex had given him. 

Although he didn't pull away his hand, he turned his head to the bar. The moment his eyes met Alex's, she cast her glance at the floor. Her shoulders slumped down. He swallowed, he hated seeing her so defeated. 

"You wanna do something for me sweetheart?"

With pity in her eyes she looked at him. "Anything to make you feel better."

"Take Shane's place behind the bar and send him to me, okay?" He kissed her cheek to show his gratefulness. 

The girl looked at him in confusion, then she nodded and walked over to Alex. 

She looked insecure when she showed up next to him a moment later. Opie's death had hit her hard, he had no doubts it reminded her of her brother. Without saying anything he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. He didn't care what his brothers would think of it; he felt how much she needed a hug. At first she felt tensed, but slowly she relaxed in his arms. 

"I don't wanna be alone tonight," he whispered in her hair. 

A little nervously he waited for her answer. It wouldn't surprise him if she would tell him that there were plenty women around who he could take to his room. Instead, she only said: "Me neither."

He pulled a bit away from her so he could look at her. He resisted the urge to caress her face, he wasn't sure how he wanted to show his feelings in public but it was better not to be too tender. 

"I can stay with you after bringing Kozik home?" Hesitantly he looked at her, afraid she wasn't as ready as he hoped. 

"Mila can take him home." She took his hand and exchanged a look with her friend, who nodded. Then she led him away – to his dorm room. Everyone was too consumed with his own grief to have an opinion about them. 

Once they were in his bedroom, they looked a bit awkwardly at each other. They had been here only once before – the last time they were having sex. Hate sex. 

"How do you feel?" she asked. 

"I don't know," he answered honestly. "It feels like all my muscles are taut out. And you?"

She bent her head and stared at the floor. "I feel empty. Cold."

Knowing a hot shower would do them both well, he took her to the bathroom. They undressed themselves and stepped into the shower stall. Juice felt uncomfortable. As passionate as they had been in the past, as awkwardly they were standing next to each other right now. He thought about all the women he had tasted the past weeks and he had the feeling he couldn't even remember how she tasted. Alex was staring at the floor, her former self-confidence seemed to have been crushed. Something had broken her. Was it because of Opie's death or had he just been oblivious to it the past weeks? It was not his intention to be childish, but he had the feeling it was better to leave the initiative to her. She didn't experience a lot of vulnerable moments like this and it was only at times like these that she discovered what she needed, where she longed for. 

He moved the showerhead a little to the side so the water was raining down on her shoulder as well. As if the water startled her, she looked up. Briefly, she studied his face. "Why didn't you take that girl here?"

He held her glance. "You know why."

She shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know if... If I can give you what you want right now."

"And what do you think I want?"

"Sex," she muttered. "Sorry." She moved her hand forward to open the shower door.

Instinctively Juice slipped his arm around her waist and pulled her with her back against his chest. "You really think I want sex right now?"

Although she was standing close to him, he wasn't hard. She had to feel that too. Sure, with a little effort she would get it up but the truth was that he wasn't in the mood either. 

"Well I'm your whore, right?" she muttered. "You told me that yourself."

He hesitated, not knowing if he could handle a rejection right now. "Unless you wanna be my girl again."

"You sure you still want that?" she muttered without turning around. "The past weeks you've tasted like every type of girl available. They were all much more girly than I am."

"Alex..." He sighed and turned her around. When the water jet fell right into her face, he turned her a little to the left. "I fell for you when I thought that you were a guy." He stroked her cheeks and lowered his hands, caressing her shoulders, her muscular tattooed arms. His fingers brushed her narrow hips, her stomach with the scars of the stab wound and up to her small breasts. Her skin was still red because of the tight chest binder she had worn. "I think you're beautiful. Yeah, I've done lots of girls the last weeks. But with none of them it felt as good as whatever time with you, not one of them got me as horny as you." His forehead rested against hers. "Nor could I have good conversations with them, or joke around. So yeah, Alex, I want you to be my girl again."

She looked up. Her hands stroked his chest and she kissed him softly. He pulled her closer as he answered her kiss. The caress of her tongue did turn him on this time and because he was aware of the fact that she didn't want to have sex right now, which he understood and respected, it didn't take long before he pulled her in his arms again. 

She kissed his shoulder while holding him tight. When their breathing had normalized she looked him in the eye. "So... Am I your girlfriend or boyfriend right now?"

Something erupted in his stomach when he caught a glimpse of her teasing grin. Oh, how much he had missed that grin... "Whenever you're naked you're my girlfriend, as soon as you're dressed you're my boyfriend?" he smirked back. 

"Deal."

They left the shower and dried themselves before getting into bed. Juice wrapped his arms around her and kissed her neck. The calming influence she had on him by just being near was unbelievable. Holding her like this did more to him than last night's fuck. 

She pulled his arm tighter around her and pressed her back against his chest. "I love you Juice."

His hand slipped around her breast. "I love you too Alex." He kissed her, right below the hairline in her neck. "And Shane too."

She chuckled. Her fingers lightly stroked his hand and he closed his eyes. 

It didn't take long before she fell asleep in his arms, and the moment he heard her peaceful breathing he nodded off too. Tired of the strong emotions because of Opie's passing, but also comforted by the fact that they were together again, by which they were able to feel something else than the chaos and the cold. 

. . .

In case there are Happy fans here; maybe you'd like to check out my new book "A Charming Fairy Tale: Last Hope" (: