Alex was lying on the couch and watching a tv show as the doorbell rang. Sighing, she pulled the hood over her head. She really wasn't in the mood for visitors. She just wanted to be left alone for a while – whoever it would be; it would probably lead to discussions anyway. Grunting she stood up and peeked outside through a side window.

Relief spread through her veins as she saw Chibs. By reflex she touched her breasts. The fabric of her hoodie was thick enough to hide them, so she dragged herself towards the door and opened it.

"Aye, how ya doin'?" Chibs asked. 

"I'm fine." There was an uneasy feeling in her stomach. "Any news about Koz?"

"Not yet."

A little awkwardly Alex scratched her neck as Chibs kept staring at her. What was going on? What the hell was he doing here? Just checking up on her? 

"Ye gonna invite me in?"

She shrugged her shoulders. I'd rather not. Still she turned around and limped back to the living room. "You should get yourself a coffee if you want one." She sat down on the couch.

"Nah, I'm fine." His eyes fluttered through the room. For some reason he was getting on her nerves; it felt like he was trying to figure something out. 

After he finally sat down on a chair that was opposed to the couch, he gave her an intrusive look. "I'm takin' ye over from Kozik, so I'll be yer sponsor for the next months."

Alex nodded slowly. She hadn't thought about her future with the Sons yet, but this was a logical outcome. Kozik would go rehab – if he survived at all. Chibs would be a great sponsor, there was no doubt about that, and at least they'd had some good talks in the past. "Okay."

There was something surveying about his glance, still giving her that uneasy feeling. For once in her life she didn't ask him what the hell was going on; instead she just waited.

"Some of us were, so to say, displeased by your behavior of yesterday."

Alex didn't look away. "I would do it again if I had to."

"Aye, ye made that perfectly clear yesterday," he answered, getting prickly. "We decided to overlook that disobedience 'cause you saved Kozik's life – or at least tried to. But this is an exception, Shane. Next time ye disobey one of us, yer out."

Alex had to keep herself from snorting dismissively, and reluctantly she nodded. She had no choice. Apparently she had to be happy with this second chance. 

"Good. Now here's yer first job: talk to someone."

"What?" she asked, raising her eyebrows. 

"Yer a walkin' bomb. You gotta vent. I don't care who ye will talk to; me or Juicy, but..."

"This is comin' from Juice, huh?" she reacted annoyed. "That fucking asshole. I don't need to talk to anyone."

"Yea ye do, Shane. I trust my brother's insight. He knows ye better than anyone of us, would be stupid to ignore his advice." He leaned back in the chair, spreading his hands. "So it's up to you. Ye talk to Juice or me."

"Got nothin' to tell you man," she insisted stubbornly. 

Chibs held her glance, not impressed by her words. "The warehouse could be a start. Juice told me what happened; how it changed ye and that yer short-tempered 'cause you can't deal with the shite."

Alex felt ice cold. Was he talking about Miles now? No – why the hell would Juice have told him that? That was bullshit. "Have no idea what you're talkin' about."

Chibs stood up. "I'm not gonna train a prospect who's lyin' to me, keepin' things from me and disobeyin' me. Ye tell 'bout yer shite to me or to Juice before tomorrow morning or yer out. It's that simple."

A few seconds later the door slammed shut. With a sigh Alex leaned back. What a mess. What a fucking mess. Juice was the only one she could talk to and he knew that damn well. 

– What kind of dick move is this???  she texted him, her jaws clenched. 

He didn't reply. No apology, no outburst – nothing at all. 

And while time drizzled on, it became harder and harder to breathe. Chibs wasn't joking: if she couldn't convince Juice to help her out, they would kick her out tomorrow. Biting on her knuckles, she sent him another text around dinner time. 

– Can you come over?

This time the screen did light up. – Why?

Her fingers floated above the letters. What should she say? The truth, she decided. He would know if she didn't anyway. – They kick me out if I don't talk to anyone before tomorrow.

– Not my problem.

Alex cursed. Instead of answering, she called him. He however ignored her. The way he was treating her right now, caused a cramping feeling in her chest, even though she knew she had deserved it. Sighing, she made another attempt. – Please? 

No answer came. Frustrated, she dropped her phone next to her on the couch. Should she go to Chibs now? She didn't believe it was very useful. There were so many things she couldn't tell him and he would sense that she was keeping things from him. 

For a long time Alex laid on the couch. She wasn't hungry, so she skipped dinner and stared at the ceiling until she fell asleep and was awakened by the door bell. First she touched for her phone, but nobody had sent her a message. She shuffled towards the door. Even with the prospect that it would hurt to confront her pain, she hoped it was Juice and that he hadn't sent Chibs. 

She opened the door.

There she found him; hands deep into his pockets and without the sparkle that was usually in his eyes. There neither was a teasing grin – only a cold glance. Unconsciously she wondered if she had glared so hatefully at him too, yesterday. She however knew the answer. She had even wished him death. Dropping her eyes, she turned around and led him to the living room. While she was sitting down on the couch, he kept standing in the doorway, leaning against the door frame, clearly keeping his distance. 

"Do you hate me?" she asked quietly. She hated the vibration in her voice, it made her feel weak – but she knew she had to pull through if she still wanted to wear a cut tomorrow.

"Thought you didn't give a fuck about whether I hated or loved you?" 

She suppressed a sigh. He wouldn't show her an easy way out. "Yesterday I didn't. Now I do." She didn't look at him, she found it damn hard to formulate an apology. "I don't know what to say Juice," she sighed eventually. "I don't think I said one thing to you yesterday that I don't regret. I was just – a mess, okay? I could have snarled that at everyone."

She looked up to him. Still he was leaning against the doorway, almost unmoved as it seemed. He was done with it, she realized. His patience had reached its limits.

"It feels like l have forgotten how it works," she said after a long silence. "A relationship." She searched for words. More than anything she just want to forget about the subject for it made her feel vulnerable, but she had to open up to him. There however were no words, only feelings of regret and shame. Briefly, she wiped her eyes. "You meant what you said?" she asked with a lump in her throat. "Do you love me?"

"I did before you told me I should have hanged myself."

She sighed. She had hurt him – she had hurt him deeply. With gritted teeth because of the pain in her leg she stood up and limped towards him. In front of him, she stood still. Instead of looking up to him, she took his hand and caressed his fingers, causing him to hold his breath. For a while she only stared at their fingers, until the words finally reached her lips. 

"Do you remember the time you asked me if I really wanted you? Despite the fact that you believed that you were a coward, a failure?" She looked up to him. His face was tensed, as if he was preparing himself for another berating. "I wanted you. I still want you. But this time, I'm the coward. I'm trying to keep this relationship shallow because that's when I feel best, because I don't dare to be vulnerable around you. Around anyone." She took a deep breath. His eyes softened a bit, encouraging her to continue. "I'm scared, okay? I'm scared of the cesspit that's called my feelings. I'm afraid for how it will affect me mentally; I fear that I will break, that I won't be able to pull myself together again, that I – turn into someone I don't wanna be. This time... this time I am the coward." She felt his fingers tense and she knew what he was thinking. "Yes, I tell you this because I will lose my patch if I don't. But I also tell you this because... because I don't wanna lose you." A tear dripped down her cheek. "Juice, if I'm completely honest with you, I want to give you up. I want you to find a girl who isn't as fucked up as I am. You don't deserve this shit, all those things I snap at you when I'm angry – I just can't control it. Someone else will p..."

"I don't want anyone else." It was the first thing he said since a long time and the intensity of his voice chased shivers down her spine. He laid a hand against her cheek. "I meant what I said. I love you. I love that guy whose first joint I rolled, I love that cow girl that gave me a lapdance, I love that chick who turned me on like crazy in the porn studio... I even love that spitfire who wants to jump my bones when I'm mad. You're the hottest girl I've ever met – but like I told you yesterday; I want more than... the physical stuff. I wanna be there for you, I want a relationship without shame in which we can be complete honest with each other. I don't want your body alone... I want all of you. It's all or nothing."

Alex closed her eyes for a moment. Still she found it hard, but she couldn't back down. Not only because she would lose her patch, also because she didn't want to lose him. "I want to give you everything. But I – I do think I need help with that. That I have to take little steps."

His arms glided around her and he pulled her close. "Then allow me to help you, Alex."

Her heart swelled as he held her tight, tears filling her eyes. She needed him. She needed him so much and she had almost lost him. "Juice..." she said quietly, her lips bending into a nervous smile. Quickly she blinked away the tears, looking up into those beautiful brown eyes. "I love you too. And I'm sorry t–"

"Ssh, now don't ruin the moment," he said with a crooked smile. "You love me. That's all I wanna hear right now." The sparkle in his eyes returned. Suddenly he lifted her, took a few steps and laid her down on the couch. Leaning over her, he kissed her – and for a moment nothing else mattered anymore; nothing but his lips on hers, his fingers gliding across her skin and his breathing merging with hers. 

This time there was no doubt. She loved him. She wanted him.