Alex drank herself to sleep, so that she woke up with an aching leg and a pounding head next morning. She had fallen asleep on the couch and when she raised herself, all her muscles felt sore. Struggling to the kitchen, she slammed a glass of water and a handful of painkillers and stared out of the window. She felt numb. Lonely. 

Her fingers clenched around the edge of the counter top as images plagued her. Dirt raining down on her, blood, Kozik's shocked face. The blast crashed through her, all air was beaten out of her lungs as she hit the ground. Her heart was pounding like crazy like she was back in the minefield. 

Alex took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She however found no relief. She didn't even know if Kozik would make it to the end of the day. He might just die in a couple of hours; and she would be the cause of his suffering.

It felt like something dark was creeping around her, something with deadly claws and smoldering eyes. Her stomach cringed, goose bumps spread across her body. For a moment she even thought to feel a warm breathing in her neck, caused by a memory she thought she had banished. When her hand went for the coffee maker, a reflection in the mirror startled her. Wildly she turned around, but there was no one but her. 

Alex tried to swallow. It felt like something was stuck in her throat. An accumulation of tears – tears that had been there since the moment that she found Juice with a chain around his neck. She hadn't cried since that day, as if she knew the same fate would come over her if she did surrender to the feelings she had hidden so deeply. Feelings that had destroyed her mother, that had almost destroyed Juice. 

Juice... The thought of him made her heart squeeze painfully. Even with a hangover she understood very well why he had left. Her own snark echoed in her head. She didn't even know why she had yelled those words, why she had wanted to hurt him so deeply. So that he would be the one feeling like shit? So she could comfort him again, now he no longer seemed to need her comfort? She had wanted him to be happy again, but now he was no longer broken down, it felt like the attention was shifted towards her and it suffocated her. He suffocated her – she suffocated herself. Everything was just suffocating – she was dying for a break, for fresh air, far away from Charming. Maybe that would help her to shake off that exhausting darkness, those shadows that felt like the ghost of the man who had raped her. 

There however was no chance she could leave now. Clay and Jax would think she didn't dare to look them in the eye after yesterday and although she usually didn't care about what others were thinking of her, the opinion of her President and VP did matter. 

Today however she decided to stay home. Since she was using crutches, there wasn't much work she could do in the garage anyway, and now she could take a breath and prepare herself for a confrontation with Jax and Clay. And maybe with Juice too... She shook off the thought. No, Juice and her were done talking. He was better off without her.

. . .

"Ye lover felt too shitty to work today?" Chibs slapped Juice on the shoulder as he sat down on the chair next to him. 

"Wouldn't know," the man grumbled. "I guess, he walks around on crutches."

Chibs chuckled. "That means shit with that guy."

Juice gritted his teeth and turned his head away, leaving Chibs flabbergasted. Apparently the two young lads were in a fight. 

"Yeah, we should talk about that guy," Jax groaned. "I don't need a brother who's pointing a gun at my head to have things his way."

Chibs' eyes shot to Juice, but he made no move to defend his friend. As he noticed Chibs' glance, he raised his eyebrows. "Why you lookin' at me? I won't mind if he's out."

Tig chuckled. "Is your little bromance starting to bore him?"

Juice huffed without saying anything, his face was tensed. Chibs frowned – yesterday that kid had marched across a minefield without caring about his life, only because he had believed that Shane was dead. That same night there must have been a heated fight, he even got the feeling that Juice didn't want his friend to get his patch to keep him safe in the future. 

"He just needs a short leash. Kozik gave him way too much freedom, he wasn't even around the past weeks," Chibs said. 

"Agreed," Clay said. "He's a good asset. I wanna keep him close. Without that kid we would've lost a brother yesterday."

Jax glanced at the others. Happy shrugged and Bobby nodded. "Then he needs another sponsor."

A depressing silence fell. They all knew that Kozik would lose his patch now he could never ride again. 

"Lemme do it," Chibs said.

Jax was already keeping an eye on Rat and Bobby and Tig were also training a prospect right now. A few years had passed since he had guided Juice, he felt that he was the right person to take over Kozik's job. 

The others seemed to be fine with it.

"I go the hospital," Happy said and he stood up, where after they all filed out.

Before Juice could walk away, Chibs grabbed his elbow and looked at him. "We need to talk."

He got a heated glare in return. Juice tore away his arm, but he followed him without complaining.

. . .

Juice knew this conversation would be about Alex and right now he really wasn't in the mood to talk about her. Just like last time she'd freaked out, he had hoped that she would send him a text once she had come to her senses, but this morning he hadn't heard anything from her and it made him even more angry. Moreover, the words Mila had spoken kept racing through his head; that she needed him, even when she refused to admit it. But how? How could he be there for her if she shut him out? If all she could see, were the things that he did wrong? If the fact that he loved her wasn't enough for her – then what was? Should he forgive her time and again, even when she didn't do the same? 

"What's goin' on lad?" Chibs asked as they had retired to a room. The man leaned against the table and gave him a questioning look.

Sighing, Juice shrugged his shoulders. He hadn't expected that he would be the subject of their talk, even though Chibs always sensed when he felt like shit. "Nothing," he muttered. "Just had a rough day yesterday."

He felt Chibs' scorching gaze on his face. "There's more. Why did ye suggest tha Shane should leave?"

Juice sat down next to him at the table and shoved his hands into his pockets. "He's reckless."

"And you aren't?" Chibs asked, letting out a sarcastic laugh. "Ye walked through a minefield blindly. Thought you'd be happier now he's still alive."

Juice dropped his eyes. The truth was burning on his lips. It felt like he was about to burst, he had the feeling that he had to unleash something before the whole truth would pop like a cork.

"It'll pass," he muttered. "We broke up yesterday. That's why I feel like shit." His muscles tensed; he knew Alex wouldn't be happy that he was telling this to Chibs, but at the same time he was done with the fact that it was all about what she wanted that his friends knew about them. 

"Broke up?" He heard the surprise in Chibs' voice. "Didn't know there was something... serious between the two of ye. Thought he was with the lass."

"No," Juice sighed. "He broke up with her to be with me, around two weeks ago." It took a lot of concentration to refer to Alex as a man, but he didn't plan to make the same mistake as the day before. "He didn't want anyone to know about it, he's afraid that it looks like he's blowing his way into the club."

"But you don't wanna hide?"

Juice shrugged his shoulders, not knowing what to answer.

"That the reason of yer fight?"

He stared at his shoes. Would Chibs know what to do? In most cases he did... "He's not okay. He pretends he is, but I know he feels miserable. But every time I'm tryin' to get him to talk, he gets mad."

"Well Juicy..." Chibs laid a hand on his neck and squeezed. "Not every man feels the need to... talk a lot, about things. Ye think al yer brothers bare their souls to their lovers? Some of us need tha, there's nothin' wrong with tha, but we're not all the same."

Frustrated, Juice gritted his teeth. But Alex was no man. And she did need it. 

"I know him. I see how he changes."

Chibs was silent for a while. "What changes him? Ye think he can't handle the stress?"

Juice bent his head and massaged his temples. Should he tell his friend? She would probably strangle him. But they'd broken up anyway and she really needed help. Maybe Chibs would somehow find a way to help her.

"He's been raped. By Miles. The night the brick was stolen."

Chibs cursed and Juice squeezed his eyes for a moment. "Why does nobody know that?"

"Why do you think?" Juice asked quietly. "Would you want everyone to know? For a woman it's horrible, but for a man... it's even more humiliating."

Somehow he had the feeling that Alex was raped twice, as Alex and as Shane. Maybe that was the problem. Maybe both parts of her personality needed to deal with it in a different way. A shiver crept down his spine – it almost sounded like she was mentally ill. Was this how a multiple personality disorder developed? He knew nothing about that shit, but he had a feeling that Shane was the reason why Alex couldn't deal with her trauma. Because he had to be that indisputable prospect.

"Bloody hell, Juicy. Is that why it ain't working between the two of ye? Ye call up memories when you two... do yer thing?"

"No," he muttered. "I worried a lot about that so I was always really careful." He felt his cheeks flame up at the thought that he had just admitted that he had had sex with a man, but Chibs didn't seem to care. "Apart from that outburst with Jax, he is always very calm around the club, but at home..." He sighed deeply, not knowing how he should present the problem in a way that Chibs would understand. "He is just like me. Can get totally lost in his thoughts. You know I need someone to help me sort them out and he needs that too, but he's shutting me out now and he doesn't wanna talk about anything anymore. All he wants is..." He sighed, shrugging his shoulder. "What most men want when they're frustrated. It just... doesn't work for me that way. If that's all I'm good for."

Juice clenched his jaws. Damn, he really sounded like a girl now. 

"I'll go to him in a minute, to check up on him and to tell him that I'm his new sponsor. I'll have a good talk with the kid."

Startled, Juice looked up. "He can't know. That I told you about Miles. He won't even look at me anymore."

Chibs held his glance for a while. "Ye think he'll last if he doesn't open up to somebody?"

Juice bent his head. "Don't think so," he muttered. 

"Then you leave me no choice lad. I gotta try somethin', he's my responsibility now." Chibs squeezed his shoulder. "You did a good thing, son, sharing this. Maybe you're just too close to him. Maybe he'll find it easier to pour out his heart to an old goat like me than to his lover. It's like you said – humiliating. Maybe he feels ashamed because he lacked the strength to stop Miles."

With a sigh, Juice kept his thoughts to himself. He didn't believe it was shame that was convincing Alex to keep her mouth shut, but considering the story he had just told Chibs, it was a plausible assumption and he had no idea how to disprove it. 

Maybe he should let it go. He had done everything he could – when they were still together and now, after their break-up. She didn't want to confide in him, so probably it was for the best if he left it to someone else. Just like Mila had done.