Shane – was a woman. 

Maybe even a girl, according to her age. 

The one who had tried to hide a stab wound, who had put a gun to her own head without flinching, who had responded completely indifferent after seeing him murder Miles, who had solved the whole shit with Roosevelt – was a girl. 

His cheeks started to burn with shame. That the young prospect had more guts than he, was one thing. But that it was even a girl who had gotten him through all this misery, was just insane. 

"I don't believe it," he said dazed. 

"You wanna look between my legs too?"

Juice's cheeks got even hotter. He was familiar with Shane's smirk, but this time it looked very different. Everything looked different. The lines of her face were less sharp, the eyebrows thinner, her eyelashes longer. He felt like an enormous idiot for not having seen that before. Those tits... he had even felt them before. He however had been convinced they were fake. 

His eyes drifted back to her breasts. They were small, barely a hand full, but nice and pointy. He pulled away his hands – he wanted away from her with his whole body because his brain just couldn't process the information, but she was still on his lap, completely shameless with her uncovered upper body. 

"I...  need fresh air."

She stood up. Juice jumped up and stormed outside. The cold night air didn't help at all, it felt like he was choking. Those damn tears that were plaguing him for two days now, showed up again. With his hands he leaned on the fence surrounding the porch, staring at the grass behind it. He had cared a lot about Shane – he had even trusted him with his life by not killing him yesterday – and now he didn't seem to know the guy at all. Even worse, he didn't even exist. 

He heard footsteps behind him, but he didn't look aside when she stood next to him. 

"Why didn't you tell me? You didn't trust me?"

"There was no reason to tell you."

"No reason?!" he burst out, this time turning his face towards her. He clenched his fists. "I'm messed up for weeks because I was afraid I fell for a man!"

She sighed. "I didn't know that before yesterday."

"Bullshit. You always know what's on my mind." He let out a hollow, cynical laugh. "And I didn't even realize you're a chick. I'm such a fucking idiot."

"You're not the only one, Juice."

He snorted. No one else had been so close to Shane as he was. "Does no one know?"

"I told Tara yesterday."

"You did tell Tara? And not me?!" He hadn't even seen those two talk.

"Miles discovered it too."

That explained a lot. He had never understood why those two hated each other so much.

"He raped me."

"And you liked it so much you decided to walk around half naked in my house too?" he shot back, looking at her chest. She had put on her cut again, but she was wearing nothing underneath it and he could still see a part of her breasts. 

He didn't see the blow coming. Suddenly her fist hit his jaw and his head swung to the side. A tooth pierced his lip and with a grunt he pushed her away. In the back of his head he knew it wasn't okay to say things like that, but right now there was only anger in his body. 

"Leave me alone," he grumbled, before he would say more things that he would regret later. 

"Can't you just listen to..."

"Leave me alone!" he snarled. 

"Fine. I'll wait inside."

"No. Fuck off. Go home."

There was a frustrated sigh, then she left his field of vision. Juice rushed to the stairs leading to his garden and dropped down on it. His jaw was pounding, the wound stung. He needed something stronger than a cigarette, but he would have to go inside to get it and something told him she hadn't left. 

She. He didn't even know her fucking name. 

He took a deep drag from his cigarette and ran a hand across his mohawk. What a fucking mess. With a grim face he stared forward. Furiously he blew his breath through his nose, even though he didn't even know for who his anger was meant; for himself or for her. 

Why had she told him the truth now? Was she convinced he would tell no one, because she had known what had really happened between Miles and him? If he ratted her out, would she do the same? He wiped his eyes. His head was already such a mess, it felt like it was bursting now. 

For a long time he kept sitting on the stairs, staring forward, his thoughts racing. His arms felt cold when the anger finally subsided. It was replaced by an uneasy feeling. She had told him Miles had raped her and he had stated that she'd liked it. What the hell was wrong with him? Sighing, he stood up and dragged himself inside the house. She sat on the couch, one foot leaning against the edge of the coffee table. She was wearing her shirt again; his words hadn't left her indifferent. 

With a sigh, he sat down next to her. "Sorry. I didn't mean what I said. About the rape."

"I know," she said shortly, but her eyes showed her pain. 

"To be honest it's hard to believe you just let that happen. You know how to punch someone." He rubbed his cheek. 

"He had placed cameras in my bathroom, filming me when I was showering," she answered. Her voice was different from Shane's. The timbre was lighter, a little hoarser, but it wasn't specifically female. "At the warehouse he threatened to send the videos to everyone if I wouldn't blow him. His finger was already on the send button."

Juice cursed, his eyes wide with disbelief. It hadn't been a drunken action, it had been a carefully planned deed and it made him furious. 

"I didn't wanna lose the club, I got nothing but Mila, so I did it. But I didn't break like he'd hoped, so later that night he fucked me until he thought I was broken."

"Jeez. Why the hell didn't you yell at him, attract the attention of the others? The Mayan and Rat were on the other side of the lot!"

"And then what?" she snorted. "Then everyone would have known that I'm a woman. They would have thrown me out and with some bad luck it would even have led to my death."

Juice kept silent. He had stolen drugs because he was afraid to lose the club and she had been raped for the same reason. They made quite a team... "Miles would have betrayed you, sooner or later. I don't get..."

"I wanted to kill him, the day after. The only way to get through that night, was by fantasizing about what I would do with him the next day, how I would shove a broom into his ass until it came out of his fucking throat again. And well... that plan failed when you felt the need to shot him in his head."

His gaze glided to the side. Her facial expression was hard. "Sorry," he said quietly. 

She shrugged. "If you hadn't killed him, you would have been way deeper in  shit."

He bent his head. "Yeah..."

"That's why I tell you this, Juice. So that you stop feeling guilty about having killed that asshole. He was insane – he was disgusting. All he wanted to do that night, was destroy me."

Juice peeked to the side. How was it possible that she was still so strong after everything she had been through? While he had wanted to hang himself this afternoon? Her willpower was admirable, since she had pretended to be a man for months. 

"I don't even know your name," he muttered after an awkward silence.

"Alex. Alex Epps."

His eyes widened. 

"Yeah, Kip was my little brother."

 "Holy shit." Juice ran a hand across face. He thought back to one of their first conversations, when she had told him that her brother was murdered. He couldn't believe that she had been talking about Kip. "You told me he was shot."

She nodded slowly. "The truth was just distorted a little, I was afraid someone would somehow connect the dots."

"You do all this for him?"

She nodded. "I want to earn my top rocker. For him. Because he died before he could receive his. As soon as I've earned it, I'll tell everyone who I am." She turned at the couch, so she was sitting sideways, pulling up one leg. "I was sent on a mission when he died. When I came home, his funeral was already over. I had no closure, nothing. He was just gone, all of a sudden. I bottled up everything, kept doing my work in the field but I couldn't see everything clear anymore. In the end things went wrong; I mistook a pal for an enemy and I killed her. After that incident I was dismissed, but I wasn't persecuted because the army surgeon diagnosed me with PTSD and stated that it had been an accident." She sighed. "I had nothing outside the army. I however remembered all those times Kip had spoken so lovingly about you, his new family and that's why I decided to join SAMCRO. Hoping to feel his presence." With her shoulder she leaned against the backrest. "And because I just need the adrenaline."

Juice took some time to take in her words. That she had been with the military, explained at least her dauntlessness, that inevitable look. "Did you find it? His presence?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "Sometimes it just gives me peace; hanging around with the ones he considered as his friends." She touched the ring in her lip. "Yesterday Tara told me about the day he died. That she was with him. It was the first time I could speak openly about him."

"Was that the reason you told her the truth?" He was still annoyed by the fact that she had entrusted Tara with her secret before him. 

She shook her head, sighing. "No. Somebody had to examine my injuries after the rape and I needed a morning after pill. I didn't want to register myself in the hospital as a woman. Tara could help me... do things unofficially." 

He watched her for a while. Guilt was still burning in his stomach because of his words earlier. "I am really sorry for you, Alex. For what Miles did – and for what happened with Half... uh, Kip." He took a deep breath and leaned back in the couch, staring at the ceiling. "But I'm still fucking mad at you." He clenched his teeth, thinking about the way she had shown him who she was. As if it was some kind of game. "You could have trusted me."

"Could I, Juice?" she asked calmly. "How long do we know each other? Just a few weeks. You are a Son for years and as a woman I'm an intruder. Until that shit with Roosevelt went down, you were loyal."

His shoulders slumped down as he heard that last word. Would he have reported it to the others? He respected Sack, understood why she wanted to do this. But if someone else discovered the truth and did bring it to the table, he would hang as well. 

"Is that the reason you tell me the truth now?" he asked bitterly. "Because I can't rat you out, since you can rat me out too?"

"Fuck you, Juice," she hissed. "You really think I would do that?"

He shrugged. "I wouldn't know, Alex. I don't know you."

"I'm just Shane with tits, okay? I'm not a different person now, and you know that damn well. If you believe you should report this to the others, I won't stop you. I took that risk when I decided to tell you the truth. The vow I made to my brother is sacred to me, but I didn't want Miles to be the reason that you would be dead while I could have prevented that. For that motherfucker deserved a lot more than just a few bullets in his head."

Juice sighed, massaging his temples. He wouldn't tell the others, not after everything she had done for him. He would only hate himself for it. "If they find out I knew it all along..."

"They won't. As long as you don't get drunk and blur things out, they have no reason to believe you knew it."

"You think?" he asked quietly. "We kissed before. Some know about my feelings for you."

"They also know you are struggling with it," she answered, shrugging. "That you are afraid that you've become bisexual."

A new sigh left his lips. That was at least one fear that had vanished now. He bent his head, resting it in his hands. He wished that Alex had trusted him earlier, not only because he was a coward who had wanted to kill himself. And at the same time he wished she had never told him, for keeping more things from the club felt very, very wrong. He was trading one secret for the other.