Juice's glance slid away from Shane's eyes and moved to his hand. His own hand was underneath it. Shane's fingers were soft and slim and for a moment he wondered how it would feel when they glided down his chest, his stomach, further down... Just to feel something else than the emptiness, the burning guilt.

His cheeks flushed as he looked up, his eyes meeting those of Shane. Did he know what thoughts had crossed his mind? He had the feeling that Shane could always look right into his soul. Right before they had left Arizona and rode back to Charming, he had intended to push away every inappropriate thought about Shane as far as he could, but it was clear that it was a hopeless task.

He was disgusted with his feelings. Firstly, because the prospect to have sex with a man was just repulsive ‒ although he had already discovered that the thought of Shane kissing or even blowing him did turn him on ‒ but also because Shane was his best friend.

Today he had been proven that one more time and he was still having a hard time realizing what the prospect had done for him. Juice had almost betrayed his brothers, and Shane had helped him to cover it up.

Shane, who was always fearless. Who didn't even mention the fact that he was shivved, who didn't even blink an eye when he held a gun against his head and pulled the trigger. He wished he had been more like his younger friend. He knew for sure Roosevelt wouldn't have succeeded in blackmailing him.

The boy pulled his hand away from him and kicked his foot. "Why don't you roll a joint for us? Did Tara give you medication or can I get you a whiskey too?"

"She gave me nothing too heavy."

He lifted the corner of his mouth. "Good." He stood up and walked to the kitchen. Juice caught himself looking at Shane's ass, even though the jeans he was wearing were too wide to show the curves he had seen during Halloween. Sighing deeply, he wished once more that Shane had been a girl. He would have known what to do then...

Groaning, he helped himself on his feet, a bit stiff because of the pain. Smoking pot wasn't a bad idea at all, maybe it would help to shut down all those thoughts. Whether it was Roosevelt what he was thinking about, or Miles, or the things he wanted to do with Shane... He wanted to think about none of them.

. . .

Alex was still worried about Juice. He was quiet, lost in his own little world. His muscles almost seemed to snap because he was so stressed and Alex had no idea what more she could do. Giving him a massage, probably. But that's weird, right? Can you see Happy or Opie giving him a massage?

The thought made her smirk as she took a bottle from the cabinet and poured two glasses. The outer door was already opened. She sat down on the bench next to Juice, at the exact same spot where she had smoked her first pot.

"How was Arizona?" she asked, pushing a glass in his hand.

He heaved a sigh as he took a long drag from the joint before handing it to her. Leaning back, he closed his eyes for a moment. "Too much drama. These days everything seems to become dramatic." He sighed again. "SAMTAZ was apparently dealing drugs to earn some money. We found out the vote for that hadn't been carried out in an honest way, with blackmailing and murder. Was some serious shit."

"Jeez." Shane pulled the smoke straight into her longs. Already after a minute, the memories about tonight were less sharp. "That drugs crap is always makin' things messy."

Juice sighed, leaning with his head against the edge of the bench. "Yeah. But for now, we're in it over our fucking heads."

For a while they just sat side by side in silence, both lost in their own thoughts. The quiet was comfortable. It was just nice to have him around again. From the corner of her eyes, she looked at him. He had closed his eyes, his face looked more relaxed than before. The sight of it turned her lips into a smile – the first one since yesterday. They had finished the smoke and the glasses were empty as well.

"I'm glad you're here, Shane," he muttered after a while, without opening his eyes. "I felt like shit, but I'm feeling much better now."

"Glad to hear that."

"I'm sorry for gettin' you into trouble."

"Nah, I'm fine," she answered, shrugging, before he would glide back in a pit filled with guilt again. "It's okay, Juice. I'm just really happy I was around so I could help you out."

"Yeah... me too." His voice sounded bleak again.

"Hey, stop being so cranky. Get us some more pot, okay? Seemed to do you good."

Juice nodded slowly. He stood up but seemed to have forgotten about the bullet wound in his leg so that he lost his balance and landed on the bench again. His hip hit her hand, which she pulled away with a grunt.

"That fucking leg," he grumbled.

"Want me to get it?"

He turned his face toward her, which was suddenly very close. His breathing stroked her chin. Their eyes locked and in her stomach, something hot and heavy bubbled up. She didn't move as his fingertips stroked her cheek. The next moment his lips were on hers, his tongue sliding into her mouth.

Alex knew she had to push him away, but after everything that had happened, after that disgusting thing that had been in her mouth last night, there was nothing she wanted more than Juice's tongue swiping all those memories away. Closing her eyes, she kissed him back, passionately, a bit desperately grabbing the collar of his kutte to pull him closer.

His fingers ran down her neck and she remembered she wasn't wearing her chest binder. She allowed herself two more seconds of this great kiss before she laid a hand against his chest and pushed him away. Regretfully, she turned her head away.

"Oh fuck," he stammered. "Shit. Sorry." He shoved away from her immediately.

Alex felt her own cheeks glow, but when she looked aside she assumed they would probably pale by his flaming red head. The sight of it made her chuckle quietly. He was such a cutie. The longing to expose herself came up again, but she knew it was a bad timing now his head was already such a mess.

"It's okay," she muttered, studying his face. "You're supposed to kiss your knights in shining armor as they've saved your life. You're just a bit late." With a joke she tried to clear the air.

. . .

Juice couldn't understand how Shane could always make light out of everything. This had been the second time Juice had smacked him. Leaning with his elbows on his knees, he bent his head and buried his face in his hands. "I don't know what's going on with me anymore," he said, "I don't even recognize myself. I killed people, I killed a brother, I stole drugs, almost betrayed the club and I'm even falling for a man now." His eyes were itching, but he didn't want to cry again. He just didn't know what to think about anything. It felt like his brain was twisted in knots ever since he'd been sent to Stockton.

"It's okay, Juice."

Wildly, he turned his head to the side. "Stop saying everything is okay. It isn't. You're my fucking best friend, you're in a relationship, and I... I..." He couldn't even find the right words.

"Juice..."

"I don't want this! I hate it that you... that I... While you and Mila... I almost fucked up between you two once. I'm not only ruining my own life but yours too and..."

"Juice!"

His voice sounded so compulsive Juice gritted his teeth. He didn't dare to look aside.

"This wasn't exactly one-way traffic, huh?"

A few seconds passed by. Then, the meaning of Shane's words hit him and he turned his face to the side, completely confused. "W-what?"

Shane kept his glance, sighed, and turned his head away. "You might not be the only one struggling with these feelings."

"But... Mila..."

"Yeah." Shane sighed, massaging his temples. "I don't understand it either, Juice." The boy stared at the ground. "I neither had feelings for a man before. It takes time to find out what this is, what I want with it, and Mila..." One more sigh. "But stop blaming yourself. This wasn't just you."

Awkwardly, Juice rubbed his neck. Not a moment he had expected that his friend was going through the same shit. He hadn't given himself any chance, but now... For the first time since he had taken the drugs away, he felt a sparkle of warmth.

"Maybe uh, maybe you should go home," he muttered. "To Mila."

Shane showed a slight smile and shook his head. "I'd actually invited myself to your couch again."

"I don't need a babysitter."

Shane rolled his eyes, lit a cigarette, and threw the package on Juice's lap. "Mila and I... things aren't great between us. She's having a hard time accepting what the club is asking from me and I'm not really in the mood to face her now and tell her that Miles is dead. Can't handle her now crying half of the night, begging me to leave the club before I end up behind bars or in a coffin myself." He blew out a cloud of smoke. "So I prefer your couch. You won't even notice I'm there, I promise."

Juice didn't know what to say. Shane effortlessly switched to another subject, as if they hadn't been making out a minute ago. Just like everything else, he just seemed to let it go.

"Sorry to hear that." Although Juice noticed he wasn't feeling that bad about it. A part of him hoped for a break-up, especially now Shane had admitted he might have feelings for him too.

"She ain't exactly the perfect old lady, but we're together for such a long time..." Shane looked at him again. "You ever had a girlfriend since you're a Son?"

"For a while, a few years ago." He shrugged his shoulders. "Didn't end well."

"No," he said pensively. "That seems to be a trend here. No wonder with all the illegal shit we're doing, the ladies can't handle that and when there's no transparency in a relationship it's just doomed to fail."

Juice tried to imagine what things would be like if Shane would be his boyfriend. They could at least talk about everything and he understood the club life.

A boyfriend. Are you really asking yourself if you would want to have a boyfriend??

He could already see them coming to the clubhouse, walking hand in hand. It was ridiculous. What outlaw biker was bisexual and choose to be with a man? The reputation of the club would definitely suffer from it when members started to suck each other. The last thing he wanted was to ruin more things he cared about.