Alex shoved her hands inside her pockets as she stared at the fresh grave. It felt surreal. Suddenly Miles was gone. In the blink of an eye, without having to do anything, without being exposed. The relief however was minimal. It had been a too easy way out for him. She had wanted him to suffer, she had wanted to hear him beg for mercy. Getting even, that should have given her resignation. 

But there was no satisfaction now. 

Sure, this solution was much better. She didn't need to be afraid to leave traces, her identity was safe. Now that he had died like a rat, as a traitor, nobody would honor him. All he got was a hole in the ground. Exactly what he deserved. He couldn't have died a more dishonorable death– and still, the dissatisfaction kept gnawing.

Alex cast a last glance at the disturbed earth, spitting on the grave. "Hope you rot in hell, asshole," she grumbled. 

She turned around. Rat kept standing there a little longer, but Happy walked with her to the bikes. Juice and Chibs had returned to the clubhouse a while ago, so Tara could remove the bullet and stitch the wound. 

"I'm proud of ya," Happy's deep voice sounded next to her. She felt his heavy hand land on her shoulder. 

Surprised, Alex looked to the side. She couldn't remember he'd ever talked to her and she'd certainly never heard a compliment coming out of his mouth, to anyone.

"Don't know many people who'd pulled that trigger without blinkin' an eye."

Alex shrugged her shoulders, she knew better than showing him how much his words meant to her. "I'm not afraid of dying."

She sat down on her bike, waiting until Rat was done with saying his goodbyes. 

. . .

Alex got permission to go home as soon as she was dismissed at the clubhouse. She was glad about it; she had been awake all night. 

In the bathroom, she brushed her teeth first. Still, she had the feeling the taste of Miles' filthy dick was in her mouth. The thought of it made her sweat. For a moment the stench of his unwashed sack was surrounding her and she could feel him inside her mouth again. Squeezing her eyes, she threw up. Nothing but bile left her throat; she'd already puked out supper and since then she hadn't eaten anything. 

After spreading toothpaste through her mouth for at least ten minutes and washing her face, she left the bathroom. Would Tara already be back in the hospital?  

The thought about the doctor made her doubt again. Tonight she had intended to visit the woman after she got home, to tell her what had happened. She hadn't taken her birth control pill tonight and she wanted to be absolutely sure she wouldn't bear a child of that asshole. She didn't look forward to an S.T.D. or other damage either, so she really needed to trust someone with the fact that she was a girl. 

It wasn't easy at all, after all, Tara was the fiance of her VP. If Alex made an appointment, Tara's confidentiality belonging to her profession would make sure she would shut her mouth, but Alex thought it would be too risky to register herself in the hospital. Who knows who else would have access to her file... She however knew Tara had been there when Kip died, which gave her the feeling she would understand her better than anyone else, and apart from that Tara had no reason to rat her out, as Miles had. 

She would take her chances. 

. . .

An hour later she was in the hospital, knocking on the door with the right nameplate. Usually, the nerves would have formed a knot in her stomach, but after everything that had happened tonight and the morning after, Alex only felt an emptiness. 

The door was opened. Surprise was dripping from Tara's face. "Shane? Hey..."

Alex looked briefly over her shoulder before she headed inside. Taking a deep breath as the woman looked questioning at her, she decided to just open up. 

"I was raped tonight."

All color was drained from Tara's face. "W-what?" Dazed, the woman stared at her. A few seconds passed before she shook off her dismay, laying a hand on her shoulder. "Come... Let's take a seat." Tara squeezed her hand before she pointed to two chairs in a corner. 

Alex did what she asked. She sat down hunched over, her lower arms resting on her knees as she observed the woman for a while. Her lips were pressed together, and with a brief movement, she tugged a strand of her brown hair behind her ear.

"What I'm about to tell you...  I need to be sure you keep it between us."

For a moment Tara hesitated, then she nodded. "Yes, sure. Just tell me what happened and how I can help you."

Despite the situation, Alex lifted the corner of her mouth a little. "First, it might be good to know that I'm a woman."

Tara's eyes widened and she clamped her hand around the armrest of her chair. "W-what?" she asked in disbelief. "Do the others..."

Alex shook her head. "No. Nobody knows. Miles discovered it and he raped me tonight."

"Is that – is that the reason he's dead?"

"No. Fucker turned out to be a rat too."

"That's... just horrible, I'm so sorry for you  ..."

"Alex," she filled in the blank. "I need a morning-after pill and an internal examination. And an STD test. You can fix that, right?"

The woman stared at her, still overwhelmed. Slowly she nodded. "Maybe you should also..." She dropped her eyes. 

"Set up a meeting with a shrink?" she guessed, huffing. "I'll be fine. I just wanna be sure that asshole leaves me no shit."

"Okay," Tara answered softly. 

. . .

Tara performed the examination in silence, although Alex noticed she was in thoughts continuously. The woman got her a salve and some medication, which Alex shoved inside the pocket of her cut without saying a word. 

"You got no questions?"

"I – I am still overwhelmed that nobody has discovered that you're a woman. What will they do if they find out?"

Alex shrugged her shoulders. "Nothing I look forward to. Don't worry, I'll tell 'em as soon as I've earned my top rocker and nobody will ever know you already knew the truth."

"Why... are you doing this? Are you transgender?"

She kept Tara's glance for a while. "Almost two years ago my little brother died. He was a prospect."

Again her eyes widened. "Half Sack?"

"Kip." She leaned back into the chair. Actually, she had thought it would be harder to talk about it, but at the moment she just felt tired and empty. "I have no family left. He found his place within the club. I wanted to become part of SAMCRO too, as a means to honor him. Get that coveted patch. He died before he could receive it." She closed her eyes for a moment. Suddenly she craved for a joint. There was no pot in her house, but she had intended to visit Juice anyway tonight after she had slept a few hours. She had to talk to him, he needed it. And she needed it too; she still didn't understand why he'd wanted to steal the drugs. 

"I was there when he died," Tara spoke softly.

"I know."

"He died to protect a baby. Abel." She dropped her eyes. 

Alex knew what had happened. Without doing a damn thing, Tara had watched how the baby was taken away from her. Only weeks later the guys found him back in Belfast. A retaliation – like there had been many. 

But not for her brother's murderer. He was killed by his own people. 

"Did he suffer?" For the first time since she was here, Alex felt something. Slumbering grief slowly spreading through her chest.

"No, not even for a minute." The woman pressed her lips together. A tear glistened in the corner of her eye. "Cameron stabbed a steak knife in his stomach."

Automatically, Alex's fingers wandered to her own scar. She never realized her brother had died that way, she had solely focused on her goal. 

Tara bent over, putting a hand on her knee. "Your brother died as a hero, Alex. He might not have saved Abel, but he saved me. Who knows what would have happened if I had been alone with the baby."

Alex looked up. She couldn't care less about the woman's gratitude. She'd preferred Tara to jump in front of her own child, instead of leaving it to her little brother. The woman shuddered as their eyes met and she looked away. 

"I will keep your secret, I promise. I owe that Half... Kip."

"Good."

Alex heard the bitterness in her own voice, realizing she was no longer the same person as she had been yesterday.