Chapter Forty

The park was the same.

Just I remembered it, the only difference was the snow coating what used to be green grass and the tall trees had no trace of its leaves. The lake was frozen at the shoreline. It looked like a parallel universe of what I remembered. I hugged myself, walking that same path I'd walked the day I met him.

Him...

Evan...

Dark_poet001

The boy of sad eyes.

I remembered clearly how nervous and sweaty I'd been that day, I'd feared I'd pass out. He made me feel so much from the very beginning. I finished the path and looked ahead and there he was.

Just like the first time.

He leaned against the same tree, right across the lake, arms across his chest. He wore his usual dark pants and dark blue coat with a blue winter hat, his dark hair escaping it messily.

Dark_poet001... forever handsome.

Cold wind blew past me, my hair dancing with it. We stared at each other for a while, savoring the silence, the distance.

I love you, peachy girl.

Mrs. Strawberry.

You and I are one.

The girl and the shark.

Gazing at each other from the distance was somehow peaceful. We didn't need to say anything, to make any choices. I wished we could stay like that for a long time but that was not an option. I pushed my hands inside my coat and he leaned off the tree. He had two coffees in a tray in one hand.

We started walking towards each other.

No more waiting.

No more time.

Each step I took felt light, like I was walking on water. For some reason, I didn't feel overwhelmed, I felt at ease. Each step led me to the boy I love. The first man I'd ever loved and the one who'd hurt me the most as well. It's contradictory how love and hurt go hand in hand, love can so easily hurt us. I could understand everyone who never wanted to love or let anyone in. It's terrifying. To give someone that power to hurt you, is scary. Some people are not afraid to jump in love. They want it, they fight for it even when they get hurt, just like me.

But others don't want to be vulnerable. They don't want to get hurt. Evan was like that. He shielded himself, pushing everyone away from him. He feared being exposed and hurt. He didn't know love. He knew nothing but pain for so many years of his life. It was the scars not visible to the eye the ones that hunted him. He was a pained soul.

His shield of self-preservation was so strong when I'd met him. He'd hurt me so much at the beginning, it was like walking in a mined field to get to him, to get him to let me in. I fought for it because that was the type of person I was. He hurt me to push me away because that was who he was. And who he was, wasn't his fault. Everything he went through to become the person he was, wasn't and would never be his fault.

At the beginning, I forgave him because I understood him. I knew what it took from him to let me in. He needed someone to fight for him.

A traumatized beautiful man behind that coldness.

His thick black eyebrows escorted those hypnotizing dark eyes that gazed at me as if trying to pierce through me. His nose was slightly red and so were his lips, probably because of the cold.

We stopped in front of each other. I squeezed my hands inside my jacket's pocket, feeling how sweaty they were.

"Hey." his sexy voice filled the air, giving me goose bumps.

I smiled at him, "Hey."

He licked his lips, "Here we are again."

"Yes." I nodded, "It feels like it's been a while."

"It has been for me." He averted his gaze, "I'm afraid this time we can't sit on the grass."

There was no grass, only snow.

I gestured the bank behind us, "We can sit there."

We walked to it and we both sat down. He offered me the tray, "I brought you some hot coffee, caramel macchiato."

It surprised me, "You remembered."

We had a conversation about coffee so long ago through Wattpad. The fact he remembered warmed my heart, he gave me a twisted smile, "I remember everything about you."

The dragons in my stomach stretchered their wings, waking up. Evan stared at me for a moment before sipping his coffee, "Thank you." I raised the cup and sipped mine as well. The hot coffee warmed my insides, the dragons enjoying it. I gazed at the lake in front of us, the snow covered trees around it and its frozen shores. It was such a melancholic view.

We didn't speak for a while, just enjoying our coffees.

He was the one to break the silence, "I'm sorry about last night. I shouldn't have showed up at your door like that."

"It's fine." I blushed, remembering the kiss, "It's fine." I repeated.

I knew I had to say something, I knew I had to speak up. He waited for me to speak. I was the one making a choice, not him. I had the future of us in my hand and it didn't feel right to have this power. I could either make him happy or completely miserable. I hated being in this position but he put me in it, not me.

I let out a long breath I didn't know I was holding, "This is hard." He didn't say anything, "Why did you lie to me, Evan?" I looked at him. I needed to see this. I needed to see the expression on his face as he explained it.

He didn't look at me, his eyes on the horizon, "I was afraid. I know it sounds like a lame excuse but I was terrified. You..." his eyes met mine, "You're the first good thing I've had in a long time. I didn't want to mess thing up. It was part of my past." The pain in his gaze bothered me, "I'm so sorry, Jules. My fear of messing things up ended up making everything worse. I just... I managed it the wrong way. I'm not sure I know how to manage anything at all. This is all so new for me."

"I know that but it still hurt, Evan." I had to be honest. I understood him but that didn't mean he still hurt me a lot by lying to me. It didn't seem like a big deal but it was.

Trusting someone is harder than loving them.

Evan placed his Starbucks cup on the bank next to him and shifted his body towards me. He was so close I could every single detail of his handsome face, "I'm really sorry for hurting you, Jules. I probably don't have the right to ask for your forgiveness but I have to do it. If there's a small chance for us, I have to fight for it."

"Fight?" the word reminded me of Shane, "You call this 'fighting for it'?" he raised his eyebrows in surprise, "You didn't fight for me. You just waited."

He seemed taken aback, "Because you told me to wait for you."

Why was I getting angry? I shook my head, "I know what I said but I wanted... I expected... more."

He crunched his eyebrows in confusion, "I... don't understand."

I rubbed my face, "It's just... you've never fought for me, not even when you hurt me so much at the beginning. You've never done anything to win me back. You just waited. It feels like you know I'll be here for you, that I'll return to you no matter what."

"Are you saying that I'm taking you for granted?"

"I..." I paused, not wanting to hurt him, "I guess, it just feels... I don't know."

He sucked both of his lips inside his mouth, he didn't look happy, "I see."

"That's all?"

He let out a little sad laugh, "No, I can't believe you're saying that. I've never taken you for granted. You're the most precious thing I have, how could I?"

"But that's what you showed me."

"Because you can't see inside my head. You have no idea of all the internal battles I had because of you. I went against everything I was, for you." He pointed me and then his chest, "Fighting my inner demons, my scars, everything. I did fight for you. It wasn't a fight you could see but a fight after all."

"It's not enough." The words left my mouth before I could stop them.

He looked taken aback, "What?"

"I know what you've been through. I know-"

"You know?" he snapped, a sarcastic smile filling his lips, "You don't know a thing about what I've been through."

"I'm sorry I didn't mean it like that." He looked away, taking his hat off, messing his hair up. I continued, "It's just that I didn't realize I wanted more, I needed more. I've been through things as well." I remembered my whole father situation, "I know it's not the same. It can't compare to what you went through but still, I didn't let those bad things affect me. I didn't let it hurt you. I just... I don't even know what I'm saying."

He nodded, "I told you I wasn't good enough for you, didn't I?"

"Let's not start with that. You know that's not what I mean." I spoke quickly, "I just expected more of you, that's all. I know it's selfish but I get to be selfish after being hurt and lied to."

He glanced at me, "You're not going to forgive me, are you?"

His eyes looked a little red, a slim coat of tears on them but he fought them back, blinking over and over again. He looked broken, vulnerable and so ridiculously scared of losing me.

"I love you." I whispered, my voice soft and broken. A glint of hope filled his eyes, "But I don't trust you." I held my chest as if the action would help, keeping my heart pieces together, "I don't trust you not to lie to me again. I don't trust you not to hurt me again and I can't be with someone I don't trust."

The pain on his expression broke my heart, "Are you..." his voice broken before he could finish, "How can you say that you love me and break my heart right after it?" he stood up.

I imitated him, getting to my feet, "Wait. Hear me out."

"No, I'm not letting you break up with me. No. I refuse." He shook his head repeatedly, tears visible in his eyes, "If I don't listen then it's not official. It's not real."

"Evan..."

He looked right into my eyes, "I love you. I love you so much I couldn't picture myself living without you during all this wait. I couldn't." tears escaped his eyes and he wiped them away angrily, "I can't lose you, too. I can't."

I held his face with both hands, "You're not losing me."

His eyes widened, "What?"

"I can't be with you right now but that doesn't mean I won't." I caressed his face, "We can start over, right off the first date. I'm giving you the chance to win my trust back, to win me back, to fight for me."

"You are?" more tears rolled down his cheeks, "Why? I don't deserve it."

"You do, Evan Woods." I pressed my forehead against his, "You do deserve one last chance. Don't ruin it."

He wrapped his arms around my waist, "I won't. I swear to God, I won't. Thank you, thank you." He hugged me. I don't know for how long we stayed like that. His heart was beating so fast I could feel against my own chest.

When we pulled away. He leaned in to kiss me but I put my hand on his mouth.

"Hey, not so fast. We haven't even had our first date." I let my hands down. He wiped the remains of his tears away.

He grinned at me, looking like a kid opening a present, "This can be considered a first date."

"Well, I don't kiss in the first date."

He cocked an eyebrow, "You're to play hard to get?"

I smiled, "You have no idea."

"I think I have a way to persuade you." He smirked at me.

"And what is that?" I folded my arms across my chest.

"A poem."

"The old trick, huh?"

"No, I'm going to come up with a poem for you right now as if this was our first date."

I laughed, "Can you do that?"

He winked at me, reminding me of that stupid emoticon he used on Wattpad when we chatted, "Of course, I can."

"Alright. Impress me, dark poet."

He cleared his throat, a deep expression invading his face as he spoke:

"I came here with a heart in flames,

Anguish burning my soul away

After spending so many days,

Watching my life turn grey.

Blue eyes filled with sadness,

Hunting, chasing my mind,

Making it impossible to breathe,

Guilt and self-loathe all combined.

Nothing has ever felt so wrong,

As hurting the love of my life,

The only girl that makes me forget,

The pain and my inner strife.

A chance, she says, she gives me.

Casting my agony away,

Bringing light to my darkness,

Hope and dreams to remain.

I'm not a knight in shining armor,

Neither a charming prince,

I'm a dark poet,

And for you, whatever you want me to be.

"Wow." I said honestly, "That was... wow."

He blushed, looking adorable.

I squinted my eyes, "There's no way you just came up with that."

"I sort of had an idea but it just flowed right here with you."

I smiled at him, "You're so good with poems is not even fair. I'm jealous."

"Poems seem to flow so easily when I'm with you." He extended his hand towards me.

I held it gently, remembering his words, "You and I..."

He gave me an honest smile, "are one." He finished for me.

I squeezed his hand, looking into his eyes, "For the eternity?"

"Evermore."

The end.

Xx

Author's note: Thank you for your dedication, for your patience, for not gving up even when updates took months. I love you, guys so much!

¿Will there be a third book? I don't think so.

¿Will there be an epilogue? I don't know yet.

Follow me on twitter Arix05 and Instagram Ari_godoy to keep up with me.

If you have time, take a look at my new story Across my window. Here's the link:

All the love and hugs,

Ariana Godoy.