Chapter thirty-nine

You can do this, Jules.

I squeezed my hands at my sides.

The door in front of me looked big and terrifying. It was a normal door, what terrified me was what was behind it. Something I'd been consciously ignoring for my entire life or more like someone. Pretending he didn't exist was the best thing I could do to live a normal life, without the pain of rejection or abandonment getting to me.

He had a beautiful Victorian house, just two hours away from our town. It pained me to know he lived this close and he never reached out to us. It looked like he'd been doing great in life. An angry smile formed on my lips, remembering all those time Mom sacrificed herself to keep a roof above our heads and food on our table and that man never had the decency to reach out to see if we had died of hunger. How can you leave your five year old child and your wife like that?

I knocked on the door and Nadia opened it for me. She looked nervous and a little anxious, "Hey." I waved my hand, trying to act casual.

Nash appeared behind her, "Hi, come in, please."

I stepped inside the house and it was as big as it looked on the outside, very modern furniture, big stairs, cozy fireplace.

It's a home.

I put my hands in front of me, slightly uncomfortable. Nash held my shoulder, "Thank you for coming. We really appreciate it, he-"

I raised my hand, interrupting him, "Let's get this over with. Where is he?" I didn't intent to sound as harsh as I did but I couldn't help it. That situation brought out a cold side of me I didn't know I had.

"He's over here. Follow me." Nadia gestured a hallway, next to the stairs. I followed her in silence, Nash behind us.

She knocked on a wooden door and we heard a 'Come in'

Nadia opened the door for me, stepping aside for me to walk in. Slowly, I entered the bright room.

A man that looked older than his age, was sitting up in a big king bed. He was completely bald, and very thin. An IV was connected to his left arm. He looked so weak, it was upsetting. His big blue eyes met mine and the resemble between us was unbelievable.

He smiled, tears forming in his eyes, "Jules?"

I swallowed, just standing there, "Hello."

His shaky hand covered his mouth, "Oh Jules, you're so... beautiful."

"Thank you." I said curtly, fighting the tears that menaced to water my eyes.

He extended his hand towards me, "Come closer, Jules. Let me see you."

I glanced at Nadia and Nash behind me and they nodded, getting out of the room. I walked closer until I stood in front of his bed. Up closer, his skin looked dry and so fragile. I didn't expect him to look so sick. He didn't seem to be getting better any time soon.

Was he dying?

And why did it pain me to even consider that question?

He was nothing to me.

"You grew up to be as beautiful as your mother." I clenched my teeth at the mention of my mother.

"Yeah, I grew up healthy and good. No thanks to you by the way." I spat at him and he didn't even look hurt by my words.

"You have every right to be upset. You hate me and I don't blame you." He even spoke with a sad smile on his face, "I'm really sorry, Jules, for everything."

"That's it? That's all you brought me here for? To say sorry?" rebel tears swam in my eyes, blurring my sight, "You walked out on me and that's all you have to say?"

He pursed his lips, "I didn't want to walk out on you, Jules. I had to."

"What's your excuse for leaving us? I want to hear it."

He sighed, "I made a mistake. I was happily married to your mother when I met Tatiana, the twin's mother in a bar. It was just a one night thing, I was drunk out of my head." His words disgusted me, "Some weeks later, Tatiana came to me telling me she was pregnant. I promise to help her out, keeping it a secret. But then she found out there triplets on the way and it was very risky pregnancy. She needed full attention at all times. I still didn't leave your mother. I thought I could handle it."

"You thought you could have a double life?"

He shook his head, "No, it was never like that, Jules. I loved your mother with all my heart. She was the love of my life."

"But you still cheated on her."

"I was weak. I admit it." He winced and shifted in his bed, "One night, I got a call from the hospital. Tatiana was admitted. She lost the third baby and had really bad infection because of the dead baby inside of her, putting in risk the other two and her life. The doctor said it was not going to be easy to save them. They needed a miracle, they needed love."

My heart broke, "So you made the call."

Tears ran down his cheeks, "Yes, I chose to stay with her. They needed me."

"So did I." I whispered.

"I know." He wiped his tears away, "I know that, baby. I know that but you had your mother and I knew she was a marvelous woman that would give you everything you needed. Tatiana and the twins had nothing. They had a very difficult start, there were many surgeries, hours and days in a waiting room."

"Why didn't you just tell us?"

"Because I knew it was not temporary, they would need me for a long time. I couldn't put your mother through that. Even after they were born, they had to go through a lot. Nadia was born without a part of her intestine and not functioning kidneys. I remembered staying with her every single night, watching her be yellow. It's hard to see such small baby suffering so much. I donated her one of my kidneys when she was older."

"Oh."

"Nash didn't speak until he was around six years old. You probably noticed he's not fully normal, he has Asperger syndrome."

Wow, that was a lot to take in. that was not the picture I had inside my head about how and why he had done things.

"I know you still think I managed everything the wrong way but I don't regret it. Tatiana fell in a deep depression for the lost baby and all the pain her twins were going through. I couldn't leave her. It became our battle, our war to save them."

"This is a lot to take in."

"I know." He whispered, "I'm not trying to get you to forgive me. I just think you deserve the full story. I didn't leave you because I didn't love you, I just chose to be where I thought I was most needed."

"Why didn't you look for me all these past years?"

"Because I was a coward." He let out a sad laugh, "the more time it passed, the more I thought I had been a coward for not telling you and your mother the truth. I couldn't face the pain in your eyes, the resentment. I couldn't. I was a terrible father, I know that."

"You weren't a terrible father. You weren't a father to me at all." I paused, "But you were to them. I'm glad they had you."

"Jules..."

A thick tear rolled down my cheek, "We would have understood, mom and I. We would have understood and even helped out. You're right, you didn't manage this the right way. I needed you." I wiped my tears away angrily, "God knows how much I needed you. Just because I was a healthy kid doesn't mean I didn't need you." I let out a long breath, "You could have been there for the twins without disappearing from my life. You could have showed up some time in all these past years and you chose not to."

"Jules-"

"You didn't love us. You don't just walk away from someone you love. You just don't. You stay. And you try." My voice broke, "And you figure things out! Because that's what love is about! It isn't perfect, it's hard and it's worth fighting for."

He sobbed, "I'm so sorry, Jules."

"Don't be. You made your choices." I couldn't stop the tears, "Live with them."

I gave my back to him, sobbing, wiping more and more tears but they just kept coming, "And if it's my forgiveness what you want from me to be in peace." I looked at him over my shoulder, "I forgive you." I walked to the door.

"I love you, Jules." I heard his voice behind me and my heart fell to the floor, "You've always been and always will be my first child."

"The child you abandoned." I shot back, not looking at him, "Goodbye, sir."

And with that, I walked out.

Xx

Author's note: Confession time, this was a very hard chapter to write. If you have read any of my other stories, you've noticed the absence of the father figure in all of them. My father died six years ago, that's the reason I've always excluded the father figures in my stories, it was plain hard to write about one. I guess I have healed a little. Jules needed closure on that matter and I'm glad I was able to give her one. I can't deny I may have shed a tear or two during this chapter but being able to write about a father, feels like a victory after not being able to start one paragraph on it before.

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Hugs,

Ariana G.