No matter what anyone says, Eric Cartman is not gay. Why would he date a guy? Gross.

Sure, he had a small crush on Kyle growing up, but it was Kyle. He convinced himself that he liked the abuse more than the Jew he'd grown up fighting with. He was a little bit upset when Kyle got a girlfriend and they were happy. He convinced himself that he didn't want Kyle to be happy. It's not like he was jealous or sad that Kyle was straight. Gross.

Then he got to high school and met Ronnie Banks. He was a junior and from the rich part of town. Token knew him. Of course he did that rich fa-.

Ronnie was quiet and broody, but not nearly to the extent of the goths. He got straight A's, smoked weed, and never smiled at anyone. It seemed his sense of humor was broken, like his patience.

Ronnie didn't appreciate having an underclassmen follow him around throwing rude remarks his way to catch his attention. Of course, he was only 15 so Ronnie couldn't beat him up. That'd be wrong. It didn't stop him, though.

Ronnie had heard of Eric Cartman, of course. South Park was small and Eric was infamous for being a psychopath. He had been in the crowd when Eric fed Scott Tenorman chili made of his ground up parents. Ronnie knew what he was capable of when you were on his bad side.

It seemed, however, that he was on his good side. Insults showed one thing but blushing whenever he was looked at proved something entirely different. Especially when he only blushed when Ronnie looked at him. Punching him didn't even scare the kid off.

He seemed much softer than Ronnie knew he actually was. He never wore a sour look with Ronnie, and his insults didn't seem to hold any actual malice.

As time went on, Ronnie acknowledged Eric more and even started to find his words humorous. When Ronnie gave Eric his first smile at the end of his junior year, Eric decided it was the best thing he'd ever seen.

Kenny seemed to like teasing him about his gay crush. But he wasn't gay. Ronnie was just cool. Screw what that tranny-fucking fag says.

Eric knew he should trust Kenny more. They were very open about their own sexuality and very welcome to every kind of person. Black, gay, poor, genderqueer, they were accepting of it all. But if Eric trusted Kenny, that would mean accepting he was gay. And he wasn't.

His denial continued through his sophomore year, even when he went to prom with Ronnie. Even when they shared their first kiss after their 3rd date. Even after Ronnie went off to Denver University and Eric lashed out at anyone who mentioned him. Even when he graduated himself and Ronnie was there to congratulate with a smile and a kiss.

And on his wedding day, Eric Cartman-Banks proudly admitted he was gay.

No one was surprised, and Kenny, with their arm around Marjorine, announced that they knew it all along.

(And then he died again. Jk.)

The cover photo was made by Chokico on Tumblr.