As soon as you had the results from your patient's tests in your looked for the only thing you cared about. This was the last test to show if they were going to live or die and you hadn't slept the night before out of fear of what the test could show. You had been treating this patient for a few months and ended up getting very close to them. They were a good person like most of the people you treated but as you had spent so much time with them, you had become friends and although you knew it wasn't professional, you had formed a bond with them.

You searched through the test result. It felt as though the world stood still. The patient that you had been championing for months, that you were excited to see walk out of the hospital's doors and never have to come back was going to die, and it would be soon.

A thumping pounded in your chest as you felt your hands shake. You were going to have to tell them that they were going to be dead, then you were powerless and couldn't save them.

You tried to control the tears that desperately wanted to fall as you rushed out of the room filled with your colleagues to find a quiet corridor to have a breakdown in. It didn't take long until you found somewhere without any staff or patients, and you instantly slumped against the wall, sliding down onto the floor.

Holding your head in your hands sobbing, you didn't hear one of your colleagues enter the hallway until he sat beside you. Your breathing was fast and erratic as you wrapped your arms around yourself, digging your fingers into your sides, desperate to feel something.

"Calm down," he stated, resting his hands onto your upper arms.

His words sounded distant and shallow as he tried to get your attention back to reality. He pulled your head up so that he could force you to look him in the eyes. Out of any of your colleagues, you didn't expect it to be Alex Karev knelt in front of you holding your face and calling out to get you to focus.

"Follow my breathing."

He repeated himself a couple of times before you were able to follow the instruction. You took a few attempts to get it under control, but you followed his breathing until you were able to breath calmly once more.

"What's going on with you?" He asked. "I saw you look like you were about to have a breakdown."

"My patient is going to die and there's nothing I can do about it," you whispered.

"You've had lots of patients that have no chance of survival, it's not easy but it happens," he explained.

You could feel your lips begin to quiver as tears fought to fall again.

"I know it's unprofessional. I know it's not what surgeons are meant to do," you croaked. "But she's a good person and I care about her as a human being, not as a body to cut open. It hurts to know that no matter how much goodwill I have, I am unable to do anything to help her."

He let out a sigh, sitting down opposite you in the hall.

"That's one thing I've always been jealous of," he stated.

You raised an eyebrow at him, not knowing what he meant.

"You're good with patients, no matter what, you have a connection with them in a way I never could. You just need to figure out how to accept that you can't save everyone."

You lowered your head back into your hands. He was right, but you didn't want him to be.

~*~

Written by Charlotte.

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