I tear myself to shreds to prove
that I'm someone that I could never be.
Now these unsightly marks define me.

Senses Fail - Family Tradition

I sat on my bed, staring out the window, watching the white clouds drift across the sky, blotting out the stars and moon on occasion. I could still feel the rain pelting me as we flew down the streets. Zipping between the few cars on the road, hitting speeds I should have been afraid of, I was simply glad for the excuse to hug James tighter. Even though the rain bit, I wasn't cold, James had his Sign wrapped around us both, sometimes I even leaned back when he felt too hot, letting the wind cool me. I could tell he was driving fast to entertain me, he knew I wouldn't be frightened and I silently thanked him for the thrill. It felt like we were flying.

I felt a prick of disappointment when we reached the entrance to the woods, knowing my time was up, but I was exhausted. All the activity from the day, all the energy I'd spent fighting the hunters, and the emotional drain of meeting with Jevin had caught up to me. I expected to fall into bed and be asleep within moments, my body was almost too weary to make it up the stairs. But then I couldn't sleep, I just sat on my bed, looking out the window at the rain as it turned to sleet then snow. I glanced at the clock a few times, but even the numbers creeping closer to dawn couldn't make my mind still.

Just as I decided to lay back until morning, even if I didn't sleep, a quiet knock came through my door. I assumed it was Kael and wrapped a blanket around myself hastily as I walked to answer. I swung the door open and was shocked to see James on the other side, not my puppy-companion. I let out a little gasp of surprise as the embarrassment hit and I wrapped the blanket around myself a little more securely.

James' eyes widened when he saw my makeshift ensemble but quickly wiped the look from his face. He glanced down to his feet in an uncharacteristic way before speaking.

"Sorry to wake you, I thought you might be having trouble sleeping after the night you've had. It took me a while to sleep after my first, well, my first real battle...um, as an adult, or on my own. I'm going back to the city tonight. I had a vision...would you like to join me?"

Up until his last sentence James' eyes had avoided mine, or me in general, but he looked at me as he asked me to join. It gave me a giddy feeling and I couldn't help but smile. I had to remind myself to keep a tight hold on the blanket. I felt my cheeks flush at just the idea of it slipping. Though modesty had never been something I cared about before. James saw the blush and looked away again.

"Yes, just give me a minute to, to get-"

"Clothes, yeah, of course. I'll just be downstairs. Take your-"

"Time, okay. I'll only be a minute. I'll be right-"

"Down, yeah, got it...bye."

"Yeah, bye."

James turned on his heel and swiftly walked down the hall as I closed the door. I mentally kicked myself for stammering and sounding so ridiculous until I replayed the conversation and realized I hadn't been the only one looking a fool. I had never seen James so nervous, so normal, so Human? I had never seen his arrogant or aloof or apathetic shields so completely missing. I smiled the whole three minutes it took me to throw on warm clothes for our outing.

By the time I walked down the stairs, James seemed to have collected himself, or maybe my extra layers of clothing had him more at ease. He was casually leaning on the far wall, looking off into space. I wondered what he was thinking of and I wished I could see him like this more often; relaxed, not feeling like he was being watched, judged, just being, not acting. A moment later he noticed me on the stairs and nodded me down.

"Still choose knives?" He said to fill the silence as I walked to him.

I nodded, I already felt attached. They were at my side and I rubbed my thumb down them fondly. James saw and pulled his sleeves back, revealing the knives I had gotten glimpses of so many times but never really had a good look at. He had a sly little smile on his face, like a mischievous child showing something secret he treasured.

"I'm glad you like your weapons, it's good to have a specialty. Kael has his staffs, his 'clubs' he calls them, Nevaeh has her whip...and I, I have these." He held them out to showcase them better.

"My father didn't approve of anything Humans could make...he thought weapons were bulky and unnecessary. But he still trained me with almost every kind, and he used them too, but he looked at them as second-best to our hands, Gifts, and nature. I designed these the year I left, tweaked and changed them until they were perfect for me, for what I wanted from them."

Each arm consisted of a single blade laying flat on the back of his hand, maybe four inches past his knuckles when he made a fist. Wrist braces attached them securely to his forearm and it looked like a simple squeeze of his fist would release the knife, shooting it forward to its deadly resting position.

He tapped the sides of his wrists together and the blades retracted, hidden up his sleeves once more. He pulled one off, holding it up so I could see. The leather cuff that housed the knife and held it to his forearm was stiff as light armor, the entire piece a weapon, nothing without a purpose, nothing wasted.

"I can deal anything from a warning nick to a simple punch to a killing blow with these. They aren't bulky, not easily broken, can't be dropped or out of reach. I've always preferred knives over other options...but I wanted versatility." He smiled as he looked down, almost lovingly, at the one he held.

"They're beautiful," I said honestly.

Once James described them and why he had chosen them, they seemed very well suited for him, very natural for him, merely a deadly extension of himself, making him the weapon. It was fitting. As I looked at his outstretched arms I noticed something peaking out of his pocket, just barely, his shirt no longer hiding it. My mind immediately grabbed the memory, and I recognized it as the knife from his childhood. I wondered if he always had it with him, and I had just never noticed.

"Old habits die hard?" I said when his eyes followed mine to his hip.

I saw his hand twitch into the beginnings of a fist, but he caught it in time.

"Just a backup," he replied casually.

I reached for it, fully expecting him to stop me. He caught my hand halfway to him with his un-knifed hand, but that's what I wanted. I turned his arm until the top was visible. I couldn't believe I had never seen them before, probably because of the other thin, white scars spider-webbing his hands and arms, but there they were in perfect, neat lines. I looked up into his face to see an unhappy downturn of his mouth and worry in his eyes.

"When did you see these things? I realized you knew more than I had ever told you when you...mentioned things after Jev's. Did you use your Gift? Look into my memories?"

His voice held the beginnings of anger and I quickly answered, not wanting him to think that of me, that I would try to steal his past from him.

"When I slept in your room...I dreamt it. I saw you when you were younger, when you burned yourself. I didn't know how to tell you and I didn't even mean to see anything."

I realized I was still holding his hand awkwardly and I almost dropped it, but then I remembered the seventh line, his last punishment. I let my finger glide over it, just like he had in the dream. I brushed my fingers over the others slowly.

"Lucy, Eric, Dale, the servant girl, Madeline, and then your punishments...what was this one? I never got that far," I asked quietly, even though no one was around to overhear.

His jaw tightened at my words and I saw a flash of anger pass over his features, but it wasn't for me. It was for his father and the terrible things he had made him do, all the people he had made him hurt, how he had twisted his son's mind until murder seemed natural, fun. Then James dropped his eyes to the ground.

"My father liked beauty. And I was a pretty child."

His words came out bitterly and I was unprepared to answer. I had never imagined, the thought had never even come to my mind. Instead of replying I just nodded, letting him know he didn't need to explain further. I felt like I shouldn't have asked. His eyes met mine then and he seemed to push the memories away.

"It's in the past."

I nodded again, not knowing what to say until my eyes dropped to his neck, to the line that so closely mirrored my own.

"And this?"

I moved my hand to the scar, running my finger along its edge with a featherlight touch.

"I thought it happened that night, the last night I saw. I don't know why I thought that, I had a feeling I guess."

"You're right, it was that night. And I got it the same way you got yours," he replied softly. "I tried to kill myself that night," his eyes dropped to the lines on his hand before he continued, "but he wouldn't let me die. I was too valuable to him." He spit the last words out like they burned him and I let my hand fall from the scar.

"You are valuable, just not in the way he wanted you to be. I'm glad he made you live."

He gave an unbelieving smile. "That makes one of us."

I returned his sad smile for a moment before I held his hand once more, turning it over so his wrist faced me, looking at all the scars there and on his forearm.

"Do they all have stories?"

He chuckled at this, the tension around us shattering at the appearance of a real smile, his head dipping a second later, so he could hide it.

"They all have at least a small story, they would probably bore you though."

"I bet we could find some interesting ones," I said, a real smile on my lips too. He returned it almost in the same capacity. It was magnificent.

"Ahem. Cough cough. Wheeze," came an amused voice from the stairs.

James pulled his hand from mine quickly and took a small step back as he cleared his throat.

"Shouldn't you be asleep, KC." He said without looking to the staircase.

I found it strange how his actions could seem so nervous, while his voice was still just as calm as ever. I smirked slightly as I looked up to Kael, who was beaming back at me.

"Yeah, what exactly are you doing up, Spike?" I echoed James' question.

"Shouldn't you two take this to the bedroom?" He quipped back.

"Speaking of bedrooms, why don't you go to yours?" James replied good-naturedly.

"I'm not a kid, you can't send me to my room just because mom and pop wanna get it on."

Kael's face slowly took on a grave look despite his joke as he came down the rest of the stairs.

"Actually, I'm up because...I had a bad feeling, so I couldn't sleep." Kael gave James a poignant look at this, like he expected him to know what that meant.

"Are you going out tonight?" He nodded to the bag at James' feet, taking our clothes into consideration with a quick glance.

"I had a vision," was all James replied.

"Then I'm coming," Kael said with finality in his voice. "And I'm getting Nev, too."

James looked at Kael for a moment before nodding, an odd look on his face.

"I'm taking my bike, meet you at Cross and Division in twenty minutes, back of the graveyard, East corner. I didn't see much and I don't really know what to expect, but there will be a woman being chased, Darkling, I think. I have a feeling I have to be there. I think whoever's hunting her is the one Ace's group was cleaning up after. We have some time before she'll be there, but I'm leaving now." He turned to me. "I'll fill you in on the drive."

I had to hide my smile. I was riding with him.

» ✦ «

Ten minutes later we were flying down the wet streets for the second time that night. Any trace of feeling tired was long gone from my body. I hugged James tighter, my hands around his warm waist as we sped along, a smile on my face.

Everything felt right, balanced, perfect, for the first time in my life. James and I were understanding each other. He was changing, softening, becoming more human, more real, at least with me. He was trusting me more, and in turn, I felt myself trusting him too. It was foreign, but wonderful. I felt free. This was how life should feel, to be known, to be connected. This was where I was meant to be.

I still had questions, but I no longer felt like I couldn't speak with James about them. We were a team, he would help me find the answers I needed, and he would continue to change, his changes were because of me in some ways. He wasn't just a challenge, just a game for me to crack, he was my other half, my Pair, in the deepest meaning of the word. I had worried we could never be close, that he wouldn't let us be, but I was seeing the glimmer of something promising, glimmers that what was to come was going to be beautiful. I laid my cheek against his back and watched the world rush by as we made our way farther from the manor.

James squeezed my leg to get my attention before tapping his temple. I opened my Gift in response and was amazed to see how much easier it was to feel his mind, like a river flowed where previously there had only been a trickle. I felt his body tense against mine as he felt the new connection as well.

Feels different to you too?

I asked, wondering if he would have an explanation for why.

Maybe...maybe we're getting closer.

An image of myself flashed before my eyes. An image of what James had seen right after he kissed me. Standing in the rain, a mixture of emotions on my face, looking up at him as he looked down at me. I smiled into his shoulder as I laid my head back down.

Maybe. Or maybe you're losing your edge, Wolf. Maybe you're going soft.

I replied teasingly.

I haven't been able to block you for a long time, Angel, not truly, not fully. So if that means I'm losing my edge then it's been dull for a while.

I shivered at the feeling of his mind in mine and I felt something like a smile cross his thoughts before he continued in a more serious tone.

You don't know everything about Ace, his pack are covering up bodies for me. Someone has been hunting down Darkling women...and girls, children. They were branded with the Spoken symbol of revenge. It's meant for me. I don't know who, but I know the message is meant for me. I - in my father's home - I was the one who was...assigned any children. There was another boy being trained, near my age, but he never had the stomach for it. No matter what my father did to him, he couldn't make him...

James' mind seemed to stutter, to shiver, like a tremble, and I felt it down to my core, his pain, his guilt. I felt him steel himself so he could continue.

...I was the one who kill them, the assignments that the other boy, Malachi, couldn't finish, so he wouldn't have to. So my father wouldn't...

Another pause.

Regardless, these second killings started after our Clan returned to the city, when we were looking for the original murderer. I used to burn Spoken into some of the assignments my father gave me before I killed them. I didn't have any reason to, just mixing my different lessons; Spoken, my Sign...torture. I'm not proud of it, but I'm not proud of much of my life back then.

I think someone from my past, a family member or friend of one of my...one of the assignments I killed is taking vengeance, not just on me, but on my entire kind. I haven't been able to find anything, no leads, no one's seen anything. I didn't want the information to slip to the city and send it into panic, and I knew no one would report a missing Darkling. We don't pull Humans into our affairs often, even for our children, so I employed Ace to clean up and hide the bodies.

I have a feeling this vision will finally get me close to the killer, to the one trying to punish me for whoever I took from them.

The hesitation was clear in his thoughts.

You don't plan on killing them then? 

My mind was spinning with the new information as I asked, and I knew he was looking for judgment from me, any sign that I was disgusted with who he was. But I wasn't. I was sad for what he had suffered, sad for the others who had suffered by his or his father's hands, angry at what he had been molded into, angry at the guilt his father had buried him under. But I understood more than he knew. And even then, when he was the monster his father had carved him into, he took the worst assignments, the most damning, the ones that stole his soul to shield another from having to do it, to protect that boy from refusing and being punished, being killed. I had seen what his life was like in my dreams, and I couldn't blame him for so much, even if he did.

I plan on keeping my head and seeing if they can be saved. If I took someone from them and caused this, then it's my fault for everything they've done. I plan to save the woman in my vision, and then I plan to try and reason with whoever this hunter is. I don't think they're Human. I can't imagine a Human being able to take down so many of our kind, but whatever they are, I'll give them a chance to leave and never kill again.

I couldn't keep my argument from him any longer, anger building in me towards whoever this murderer was.

You don't owe them anything. They did this on their own, of their own choice, you didn't make them kill like your father made you. Even if you did take someone from them, you can't pardon them and take the blame yourself. It's not your fault.

He broke in.

I'm not pardoning them any real crime. They killed Darklings, they killed monsters-

I cut in again, too.

You know you don't believe that. If you did we wouldn't be going to save one of them right now. Human's aren't always good...and we aren't always evil. They killed children, that's enough for me, no matter what kind of child it was.

We pulled up to an old cemetery and James half-turned to me.

"I killed children too, and women, and men, and families. I killed monsters, Darklings, Demons and Humans alike, it didn't matter to me. You think I'm so irrational for not judging Kael for what he's done when I judge myself, but you're doing the same thing right now. You're finding excuses for all the things I did because I was forced into it, or raised to not see what I was doing, but you condemn whoever is going after these Darklings without listening to their why.

The only person I blame for these deaths is myself. I ruin people, and I can't ignore that. I can't wash my hands and pretend I didn't have everything to do with the trail of broken people I've left behind. I have enough guilt in my past to send me to Hell many times over, so if I can take this from them, it doesn't really change my sentence, now does it?"

He slid off the bike and offered me a hand which I ignored, swinging my leg over on my own.

"I disagree. An eye for an eye is one thing...but an eye for the eye of anyone who resembles the first sinner is ridiculous, and you know so. Nevaeh didn't go out and kill every Darkling after her parents were killed, or her sister. You didn't kill every father after he killed your mother. Kael didn't go on a hunt after Ambriel's death. You forgive others of their horrors because you can't see past your own. You only see what you want, that you're evil and soulless, so everyone else pales in comparison. If you don't kill whoever is in there," I gestured to the graveyard behind me, "then I will."

"I won't stop you, just let me talk to them first, to see if it's really my fau- to see if my actions influenced them." He changed his words when I opened my mouth to object, but I snapped it shut and nodded as a dark SUV pulled up and Kael and a disgruntled, sleepy-looking Nevaeh got out.

"Good, we didn't miss this party. Let's go," Kael said happily, like we were going to spend a day at the beach, not about to walk into a dark, cold, wet cemetery at five in the morning.

"The devil him-fucking-self better be in there if you felt the need to drag me from bed, brother."

Nevaeh spat at Kael as she strutted past, a bow strapped over her shoulder, a quiver at her hip and another on her back full of arrows. James rolled his eyes at her, which seemed uncharacteristic of him, before leading the group under the wrought iron gates into the graveyard.

The cemetery quickly sunk lower, like the deeper you went in, the closer to Hell you got. I usually liked cemeteries, but this one had an air about it, something heavy and dark. I tried to shake the feeling. I saw Kael shiver and shake out his arms like he was trying to rid himself of the same before he sped up to walk next to James. He leaned in and whispered something, something in Spoken I still didn't understand enough to decipher. James slowed before holding an arm out to halt Nevaeh and me.

The fog crept up all around us and I felt ice crawl up my legs. The chill of the place reminded me of Jevin, of death. James turned back to face me while Kael stayed facing forward in a stance that seemed much too aggressive to simply be the lookout.

Do you feel it? Can you feel anyone here?

I had never tried to see how far my Gift went, how far I could sense someone's mind, but I tried to focus on the darkness before me, visualizing sending my Gift out like a spotlight. And then I felt something, just a small disturbance in the nothingness around us, but it was definitely a mind, like a candle fighting to be seen. I nodded in the direction, unable to get any definitive thoughts from my current distance. James turned and strode into the darkness, we quickly followed.

A shadowed mausoleum loomed ahead of us, a dark shape collapsed in a heap by one corner. James broke into a run as soon as he saw the figure, dropping to his knees when he was within arm's length. He gently turned the woman over to see a heavy gag shoved in her mouth. He pulled it out and breathed Angel names over her as he untied her hands and she greedily gasped in breaths.

Nevaeh was hanging back, but Kael and I were right behind James, looking down at the woman, waiting for her to catch her breath and speak, but then something in her mind snagged, something caught my Gift's attention. When she looked up at James her eyes were black.

"I'm sorry," she said with a needled smile.

A moment later a bullet ricocheted off the stone above our heads and I found myself standing in front of James, blocking him, my knives in either fist. Nevaeh was facing where the shot had come from as well, her whip coiled at her feet, ready to strike out into the darkness at the first sign of movement. Kael was half-turned toward the woman, half the darkness the threat seemed to be coming from. But James was still fully facing the woman we had just saved, staring down at her, dismay on his face, his eyes wide as he began to slowly shake his head in disbelief. His blade appeared from his sleeve, its tip just an inch from her throat.

"What have you done? What have I done?" He asked quietly, almost too low for me to hear.

In one smooth movement the woman fell back to the ground in a pile reminiscent of how she had just been, blood spurting from her open neck, pooling onto the concrete before streaming into the grass. James turned then to face a dark figure materializing out of the mist before us. It was then that I felt them, at least five other minds circling us, surrounding us. I sent the thought to James, but he didn't reply, his eyes were locked dead on the man before us.

His eyes were a bright blue, with medium blonde hair cut short and clean, pushed back neatly. He had the face of a politician, just pleasant and handsome enough to be nondescript, nothing unique in him. He looked like any businessman, any CEO, but something about him seemed slimy, something made me dislike him immediately, on a gut level. He smiled broadly with too many teeth and I knew he was a snake. I held my position in front of James.

The man raised his arms out to either side, like he was welcoming us, but then his eyes moved to the woman draining on the ground by James, her blood reaching our feet, and his smile turned down.

"You killed my associate. Not very diplomatic."

James stepped out from behind me, ignoring the look I gave him before he spoke.

"I don't tie up my associates, usually," he spoke amiably, a practiced, sly smile playing with the corners of his mouth, but his eyes were deadly, his entire body tensed, ready to release in the blink of an eye.

Something buried in his voice sounded strange. I quickly realized it was fear, and not just fear - terror. Horror, panic, and dread seeped from his mind into mine, and I felt ice spread over my skin. If James was afraid, afraid like this, then we should all be terrified.

The man shrugged as he looked back to James, the smile of an animal with cornered prey spreading across his face once more.

"Well it's no great blow to me, now I won't have to share any of the glory when I deliver you to your father. He misses you so."

Wait, wait, wait, what?! Father?! The dead one? The one that is dead? No longer living. The father of James, the dead father? The one James killed? The father killed by James? The Fourth?

And ooh look, scars again. Interesting.

Keep reading, almost to the end now, you know you want to ><

P.s. This band - Senses Fail - was the first 'hardcore' group I ever heard, and therefore I attribute them with getting me into allll the bands I'm into now. They were my musical gateway drug.

T