I am unbreakable but it looks like I could sometime soon.
And you are unreachable, about as possible as me touching the moon.

The Spill Canvas - Saved

James had a vice grip on my arm and was close to dragging me down the grandiose stairway. We were at the door before I finally pulled out of his grasp. He looked at me for a brief moment, his face inscrutable, before opening the door and ushering me out. We quickly walked down the path before turning onto the sidewalk. He sped up like he was on some kind of mission and showed no sign of slowing to let me catch up, so I jogged behind him.

"Hey," I was almost right behind him, and I knew he heard, but he ignored me and kept up his speed-walk.

"Hey!" I said again, louder, which was still met with no reaction. Finally, I grabbed his arm and yanked him around.

"What!" he shouted back at me.

His response startled me and I let go of his arm as I took a step back. We stood watching each other for a moment, the fog a miserable freezing drizzle now.

"What do you want? An apology? Let me guess, you had everything under control, you didn't need my help, and you can handle yourself, right? Then I'm sorry, but from where I was, it looked like you were about to be turned into a...a..."

"Monster?" I finished his sentence quietly. And he gave a short nod.

"Something like that."

"Well, I did need your help. So, thank you," I said curtly, still irked that I had needed him to swoop in to the rescue.

"I'm already a monster though. How could you not think of me as one? How can you hate yourself so much, but not see Kael, or Nevaeh or especially me as just as bad? How can you blame yourself for all the things you forgive us for?"

I hadn't meant to say so much, but the words just kept pouring out, the memory of my dreams in his room fueled me, and all of the other horrible things we hadn't talked about. More and more I was seeing how he seemed to fault himself for so much, for things he had little choice in, yet he never placed that same judgment on others.

"This isn't about me, this is about you and your death wish. Stop trying to die," he said his last words like he was giving instructions to a child, slow and simple. But I wasn't buying it. I took a deep breath before speaking, trying to calm myself enough to be rational.

"Seems a funny order for you to give, don't you think? I guess we're more similar than either of us thought."

At this, James let out a bark of laughter at the sky, throwing his head back like I had said something absurd.

"You're nothing like me."

"How can you think that? We're Pairs, mirrors, same blood, remember? We are the same."

He took a step closer, looking down at me, his hair hanging in his face, the occasional drop from the sprinkling rain falling from its ends.

"You were raised differently. You didn't even know what you were...what you are. You fought it your whole life where I embraced it. You hated it where I loved it. We are different. Fundamentally and immutably so."

His eyes bored down on me, and with the dark sky behind him, he looked every part the Fallen Angel from which he had come. But I had learned that his intensity wasn't something to shy away from, he used it to make others back down, but that didn't work on me, not anymore.

"You mean because I didn't kill anyone when I was a child? Because my father didn't force me to kill anyone, to use my Sign on people? Because I was never ordered to torture someone? Because I was never tortured by anyone? Because my mother didn't stand by and let horrible things happen to me? You're blaming yourself for all of that and thinking it means you're somehow a worse person than I am? So the way I was raised makes me innocent, but the way you were forced to be makes you damned, even though we act the same now? Really? You can't honestly believe that. What about Kael? What about all the people he killed, all the evil he did? I bet you don't count those against him. You only hate yourself for your mistakes-"

James cut me off with new heat in his voice.

"I didn't make mistakes! I killed people, hundreds of people; children, mothers, fathers, entire families, Humans, helpless people! Some I had to, some I was instructed to, but some I did without anyone telling me to, and all of them – all of them – I enjoyed. I'm not like you. I don't know how we can be so similar yet so different, but you should be glad. You should be grateful you're nothing like me. I would kill you if you were like me. I tried to," he ended quietly, all the force gone from his voice, all his anger drained as his eyes fell to my scar.

"I'm not what you think," I spoke quietly, almost hoping he wouldn't hear.

I held my breath a second after my confession. I knew what I was about to do was stupid, but I couldn't stand the look of self-loathing James had on his beautiful face, or the underlying trust he must have in me to think I was so faultless in comparison. The trust I knew I didn't deserve.

"I lied to you. I wasn't just waiting for you when I was pulled into the vision in your room...there was a Fallen, the one that killed Ambriel. He asked me to join him and I didn't say no - I didn't say yes - but I didn't say no. I didn't give him an answer, but I thought about it, I almost went with him. I-I felt so drawn to him, like gravity. I almost chose him and I think I would have if you hadn't pulled me out of there when you did. I almost betrayed all of you.

He killed Ambriel, and I almost joined him because he said he could make me more powerful than you could. He said I didn't know you like I thought I did. He said he could teach me more and that I would be better with him. And he said you're going to lose, that something big is coming and I'm on the wrong side. I believed him, at least a little bit. And then I lied to you because I was afraid of what you would do. And I wanted to keep my options open. I still feel the pull to him, every day."

I finished quickly, trying to get the words out before I lost my courage. I looked up from the wet pavement to see James watching me, but he didn't look angry, just thoughtful.

"You were never going to leave," he said the words so gently I thought I must have heard him wrong. He couldn't really be saying what he just had, he couldn't really not be furious with me.

"But...but I almost did. I was going to, I could feel the words, the promise, right on my lips. A second longer and I would have gone."

"No, you weren't ever close. You've been a member of this Clan since the day Kael convinced me to bring you back to the house. You have more loyalty to us than you care to admit even to yourself. You took my place, you were willing to die for me, you love Kael like a brother...and you at least haven't tried to kill Nevaeh. You've shown you care, you've shown you're willing to give up everything, your own life even, for us. You are a part of this family and you wouldn't have left. Traitors don't sacrifice themselves for the ones they're going to destroy. And even now - you're honest, trusting me with your secrets."

He paused and I found myself trapped by his eyes, just like I so often was, but this time something felt different as I looked up at him. After a second's pause, he reached out and lifted a rain-soaked strand of hair from my face, placing it behind my ear, an oddly tender gesture for him.

"You're nothing like me," he said again, a thoughtful look on his face.

He turned back in the direction we had started walking before glancing over his shoulder at me.

"Will you come with me now? Or do I have to carry you?"

We walked in silence for a little while, the drizzle picking up its pace around us as big raindrops began to hit the pavement. Finally, I spoke.

"Are we going to talk about any of the things Jevin said?"

"He's just trying to get under our skin. I upset him by not letting him have you. Which means now he'll try harder than ever. Anything he said was just meant to rattle us, don't spare it a second thought." James sounded casual enough, but something didn't add up.

"But he was right...about me. About someone else trying to get me on their side, trying to get me to betray you."

"That's what he does, he says just enough truth to mislead people. He said someone else wanted you, but then made it sound like you weren't loyal, like you were going to betray me, knife in the back and all that. But he was wrong. He says just enough to get people to believe him, then twists the rest to get what he wants. It isn't even worth talking about."

James still sounded nonchalant, but I knew he was just trying to get me to drop the subject.

"What about his comment of our bloodline. He made it sound like he knew. Like we are more."

James merely looked over at me dubiously before letting out a long breath, looking up at the night sky before answering.

"Jev has always had suspicions of my bloodline. He's jealous of my strengths and refuses to accept that I was merely well trained, and from a very young age. He's accused me of everything from a Fourth to a full, but he can't smell our Fallen blood any more than you or I can. He might be able to sense if there is a Fallen, or a Darkling, near him, but we can do the same with some specified training.

He just wants to breed distrust, and the best way to do that in our kind is to question someone's humanity or their capacity for good, to question if someone can overcome their nature. If I - if we - were Fourths, trust me, there would be no doubt in anyone's mind." James sounded tired now, but I was too interested to take the hint.

"And your visions? Why does he hate them so much? He seemed to lose it a little once he guessed you came because you had seen what he was about to do to me. And he said he tasted him on me...what did he mean?"

I had to stop myself from flinging all of my questions at James at once. I didn't want to irritate him into silence.

"Like I said, he gets into people's heads and plants seeds. He couldn't have possibly smelled his kind on you, tasted death on you. He threw too many possibilities out, too many lies just to see which would stick. Either you were supposed to die tonight and leave the Clan to be with other Reds, or you were supposed to stay with the Clan and betray me...but he made it sound like both. Like you should have died tonight, but also betray me and tear down the entire Clan in the process. Which isn't possible.

You can't betray me from the grave, and you being 'fated' to him, to be a Red, is just him blathering. He was just covering all his bases, making sure whatever happened would be to his advantage, within his predictions. And he only hates my visions when they spoil his plans, and because he doesn't have the same Gift. He loved them when he was my leader and they were useful to him. He's just jealous, of you, of me...of everything he doesn't have anymore."

Despite James' easy words, my mind still didn't believe him. I felt like there was more there, but I probably would always feel that way about him. He told half-truths just the same as Jevin did. Except Jevin did it to create mistrust, and James did it to do the opposite, to get the idea far from mind by making it all seem unremarkable and unimportant.

Jevin's words about our feelings for each other came to mind, but I couldn't bring myself to mention it. I would be outing myself too, and the worst thing I could think of would be to spill my heart to James and have him laugh, or worse, have that pitying look in his eyes as he explained to me that 'people like me don't love'. I didn't think I could take a blow to my ego, to my heart, like that, so I kept my mouth shut on the topic.

"Tell me about King...and Ash."

At this, James stopped in his tracks, staring straight ahead at the dark side road we were now on. I saw him swallow once, and then his jaw tightened. I wanted to dive into his mind so badly, but I didn't. I opened my Gift after a couple of seconds of silence, but kept it far from him, not poking anywhere near his thoughts. I reveled in the feeling of our connection as I waited for his response instead.

"They're dead. I killed them a long time ago."

"Then they aren't fresh, so you can talk about them."

I was pushing, but I wanted to know so much about James. His past was a bottomless mystery to me.

He looked over at me now, a furrow between his eyes. He looked even more stunning with lines of rainwater running down his face, making it shine in the yellow lamplight, gilding him. The silence dragged on between us, but finally he dropped his eyes, his chin falling close to his chest as he stared at the ground before him.

"Ash was the first name I was known by. Right after I left my father's house. I was angry and young and stupid, a kid really. I didn't control myself and I...I wasn't even aware I could be good, that I had the potential to not be what I had always been. I did whatever I wanted, and it was twisted. I was twisted. I probably killed more in that first year on my own than I had my entire upbringing. And it was all me, no one made me do to, it was just because I wanted to, because I enjoyed it.

I could promise protection to someone one moment, then if they said one wrong word, or if I was simply in an unpleasant mood, I would rip their heart out, make their skin peel, or...or so many other things. I betrayed those that trusted me, telling myself that it was better for me to kill them, to turn on them before they could turn on me. Those were the only two options in my mind; kill or be killed, betray or be betrayed.

I justified it all, I said I was nothing like my father, that I was 'cleaning up' the world, that they were weak, but I saw everyone as weak. I was infamous. Everyone knew my name, my title, Ash. Returning each I met to that from which they'd come, making the whole world burn. I could have an entire Clan drop their weapons by just introducing myself. No one wanted to fight Ash. Some said I was invincible, a full blood, until they met me at least.

I was just a child, but with a death toll greater than Halves three times my age. Some said I was from Hell. I used the stories as excuses, told myself I couldn't fight who I was and I had to kill...I had to be the monster I was, because I wasn't Human, I wasn't like the rest of the world. I told myself I was an animal and I couldn't control it. That's what my father had always taught me, fed me since I was old enough to remember. Believing it made it easier to sleep at night."

James looked up from the ground now, but he didn't seem to really be seeing anything. He stared out ahead of us again, his eyes squinted slightly, a sadness in them that looked painful. He took a deep breath before continuing.

"Then I disappeared, Ash disappeared, when Jev found me and...helped me. We formed an alliance and he showed me how to control myself, to some extent. He showed me how to direct my power against those who deserved it, truly deserved it, not just the victims I pretended were justified. That's when I became King.

I made them confess their sins to me, like I was some kind of judgment from Heaven. I made them get on their knees just like my father had made me do when I was being punished. I thought of each one, of each murderer or monster or predator as atonement for what I had done earlier in life, but I still let my nature get the best of me more often than not. I still tortured when it wasn't necessary, when they had no information to give. I still took my time and enjoyed their screams, their begging. I wasn't actually better, just more focused.

Often Jev would convince me to let one of those I had deemed 'guilty' escape, so they could spread the word, that there was a new judgment for the world to fear. Word traveled fast. Some knew I was Ash, just under a new name, others refused to believe it. They didn't want to admit I was back, they had hoped I was dead.

Slowly I began to change though, Jev started it, but I went further, trying to be someone my father wouldn't approve of, or someone I wouldn't despise. I began to learn more about the path some Darklings chose and I started to try to do the same, to have a bigger plan in mind beyond random killing. I began hunting Halves and the most potent of the Darklings, Vampyres, Werewolves, anyone who didn't deserve to live. Anyone who preyed on the weaker.

Jev was something like my keeper, my leader, and it worked for a while, but I didn't like being controlled, and I was changing in ways he didn't approve of, or maybe he was changing. Regardless, I was becoming stricter than he liked and we began to argue. He would tell me to take out other Clans, Clans he thought could become a threat to us in the future, and I would refuse if they didn't meet my criteria.

Soon it was clear to me that he just wanted power and I didn't like being used. I left and hunted on my own. That's how I found Kael, I was hunting him. He was weak blood, but still causing enough ripples within our kind. And then I did for him what Jev had done for me. I taught him a different way to live. Nothing helped change me more than teaching someone else what I barely understood myself, and the rest you can hear from him. He's a better storyteller than I am."

James' eyes came back to mine now, curiosity in them like he wondered how I would react to everything he had said. His hands were balled into fists at his sides and I knew he was nervous. But I couldn't even imagine being angry, or disgusted, or any of the other things I'm sure he was expecting. I was amazed at what he had been through, how far he had come. How he had pulled himself out of the hell he had been born into, the hell I had watched from his dreams. He had gone from the creature his father had raised him to be, to the man before me, with nothing more than his will, his desire to be good, leading him.

"You're right, I'm not like you...but I wish I was, I wish I had the strength you do. I wish I had the courage and determination and discipline that you have. I wish I could say I would have tried just as hard as you did to be good, to fight what I had been groomed into my entire life. I wish I could say I was like you."

I paused to glance at him from the corner of my eye. He looked part dumbfounded, part confused, wholly unbelieving, so I continued.

"You think you're some kind of soulless monster, and you were once, but you aren't anymore. You might still feel like one, but no one can judge us on what we want to do, only what we actually do. And as far as I can see, you've done far more good than bad, at least ever since you overcame what your father made you into, once you really had a choice. Once you were you."

James looked far past dumbfounded now, as if my words weren't even registering. He stared at me, the rain pelting the concrete the only sound, then he leaned forward, his eyes still on mine, and kissed me.

An earsplitting crack of thunder rolled through the sky as the cold rain picked up its pace, but I hardly noticed. My lips were on fire, and I felt like the unseen lightning had hit me directly. My entire body hummed under his touch. His kiss had been so light, just a brush of his lips against mine, like he had almost changed his mind at the last second. He pulled back just as swiftly as he had leaned in, a question in his eyes.

I stood there, stunned, letting the rain hit me, watching him as he watched me, each of us trying to gauge the other's reaction. Eventually the heat from the kiss faded and my wet clothes made a shiver run my spine. James reached out and lightly touched two fingers to my collarbone. Heat instantly spread through my body. I relaxed as I replayed the kiss in my mind for maybe the hundredth time and another shiver ran down me. James cocked his head, confusion back on his face.

"You're cold?" he asked quietly.

I shook my head, not sure if my voice was working.

"Not that kind of shiver."

Hm, so Jevin was James' leader, keeper, creator (in some ways)...

Interesting.

Also, side-note. I learned a VERY valuable lesson. Never, ever, EVER name anyone after a character, especially a bad character. I named a kid at my school 'Jevin' because I like the name, and 1. my coworkers perpetually give me shit because it isn't a real name, I just made it up because I like J-names, 2. the kid Jevin is kinda a little punk & the name is therefore tainted, and 3) the character Jevin is pure evil and I can't believe I named a child after an evil character (just wait & see)

However, silver-lining, I got to name that whole class (because they were all new and didn't have English names yet, hence why I could name a kid 'Jevin') and I named this sweet kid Kael and his best friend James and one day Jevin was being mean to James so Kael punched him (they're like 8 so there wasn't any actual physical damage, and I use the term 'punch' loosely here). And I never thought I'd hear that sentence being said in real life and I did and I couldn't even be mad at Kael cause it was like 'well, of course Kael would punch Jevin for picking on James, duh.'

Update: a year later...

Second silver-lining, or more like redemption, this year I got Jevin's little brother in my kindergarten class (Sassy Squirrels) and 1) he is much less of a punk than his older brother, he is actual quite sweet and I adore him & he me, and 2) his mom let me name him too (I HAVE NO IDEA WHY) and I named him Jace, which is a favorite J-name of mine (Mortal Instruments shout-out). So basically I named (English names) all the kids in a Korean family. Yay me!

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