So we escape to our mistakes for they wait patiently for us.
Oh, how they always wait for me.
If my fear has kept me here, only my fear can set me free.

La Dispute - Damaged Goods

James became close to a recluse in the following days. I never saw him, no one did. Kael didn't even mention it, and Nevaeh seemed to be ignoring his extreme absence as well. It wasn't exactly new for him, he had been withdrawing for weeks, but it was almost like he didn't exist anymore. Maybe some of my feelings were due to the others' lack of concern. Kael used to at least mention James when we didn't see him for only a day or two, but now it was like his name had become taboo.

The thought crossed my mind that maybe they expected me to explode at the mentioned of him, since our last few encounters had involved a fair amount of yelling and hitting. But it seemed more than that, it seemed like they were just ignoring his desertion from the Clan, like he could just step away and no one would question it. It was beginning to piss me off. How could he just disappear and abandon us? No reasoning, no discourse, it wasn't fair. Leader or not, he wasn't better than us and he shouldn't have some kind of power to just take a vacation when we were still working our asses off.

While James was taking his little hiatus, training had been steadily increasing and now it was approaching insane new heights. Sometimes we only went with three hours of sleep, sometimes we were physically working for sixteen or seventeen hours a day, and then still studying every evening. I fell dead into bed each night and had to force myself to roll out each morning. I lost weight, my eyes looked tired, I had dark circles under them and I was slowly gaining more and more bruises and cuts, too minor to ask for a heal.

James had been right when he said Kael was a much better healer than him. Though the scar across my throat was faded, it was still clearly visible, whereas when Kael would heal me it was like the injury never happened, the skin stitched together perfectly. It had unnerved me at first, but now it seemed completely natural.

He had been trying to see if I had any healing capabilities, but that, along with my elusive Sign, was showing itself difficult for me to control. Apparently, I was similar to my partner by not having strength in that area. Just my luck. Kael did his best to teach me other ways of semi-healing though, like Blood Angel names, strength names, endurance, so even if I was injured I could continue on without losing too much blood, or without passing out from pain.

I got injured a lot, which wasn't necessarily because I was clumsy or delicate, actually the opposite in a way. Kael described it as having 'no fear' which I had assumed was a fairly common personality trait for our kind. Apparently not. Though Darklings were inherently aggressive, Kael painted Darklings as calculating and careful beings as well, never fearful of the world, but always cautious of it.

There were a lot more dangers in the world for those with supernatural blood than mere Humans. At least the smart ones were calculating, the ones that survived. Those that were rash or let their excessive emotions and I overly potent desires get in the way often didn't last long, unless they were extremely powerful. Unfortunately, this calculating gene seemed to be missing in me. Maybe because I had lived such a boring life for so long or maybe because I had a fire to be the best. Whatever the reason, I wasn't afraid of getting hurt, even seriously.

Some nights I still couldn't sleep, even though I would be exhausted from the day's work. It was nights like those that I would go out to the white stone garden, or even up on the roof where Kael had taken me a few times when we tried to reach my Sign. Sometimes I would end up training almost two days straight, or reading through different books until morning. Those nights were coming more frequently, which was a blessing and a curse. I got more done and I loved being the only one awake in the huge house, but I had the nagging worry that the lack of sleep and extreme activities would catch up with me. Kael kept stressing how Darklings could handle so much more, but even he told me to take it easy more than a few times.

Occasionally, on the nights I couldn't sleep I'd hear the front door quietly open and close, marking James' departure or arrival after being out. Once, as I sat on the roof, wrapped in blankets staring at the sky, I saw a dark figure swiftly walking across the lawn, his shoulders hunched against the cold. I thought I heard the growl of his bike start up a minute later, but it could have been the wind.

Each time I heard him or caught a glimpse or even went a couple of days without any sign of him, it made my anger build. I suppose deep down I was hurt, or my pride was. It felt like I wasn't worth his time, even with all my training, all my improvements. I had gone from a normal woman to a Darkling, and a deadly one, in the matter of a couple of months yet my own partner was still too busy to be bothered with me. I guess it stung a little.

Two weeks after Blood, I still hadn't heard anything about a possible second meeting with Jevin. The killing spree in the city was still on hold, the trail completely cold. I asked Kael a couple times what was next, but he had simply told me it was a waiting game and we had to wait for Jevin to contact me, not vice versa. He had said 'things are in play' and 'time isn't being wasted' and other reassurances, but I hated waiting. Luckily, I didn't have much time to ruminate since training kept me busier than I could imagine.

October was closing out and I was starting to dread the coming winter. The worst was when we would train outside. Fortunately, as the temperatures continued to drop, so did the frequency of our outdoor practices, or at least their durations. I remember the first day it snowed though; October twenty-eighth.

Kael seemed skittish all day, and seeing someone of his stature "skittish" was borderline comical. I asked him what was up, twice, but he brushed my concern off each time. Even if his mood hadn't been such a dead giveaway I would have been able to tell something was going on. We trained outside all day, starting hours before the sun. I assumed we would only be out in the cold for a couple of hours, but then the sun rose, and then it moved high in the sky, then it started its way back down, all the while feebly trying to fight the chill.

Close to mid-afternoon the first snowflakes began to fall. Nevaeh had actually stopped in her tracks, glaring at each white speck that came near her as if she couldn't believe her Sign had turned on her in such a heinous way. Kael had let out a sigh that looked like a cloud of smoke, like when he sucked on his cigarettes, except it was just from the cold. I was expecting him to swear at Jack Frost or something similar and then move inside for the evening. Even though the cold wasn't as uncomfortable as other training scenarios I had been in, I still figured he'd let up, especially since we had already spent so long outside. But no such luck. Kael did swear a little, but then he just continued about as usual, running drills, sparring, working with my Shift, new weapons, trying to reach my Sign. It was never-ending.

I usually kept my Gift off, both out of respect for Kael's privacy and the desire to not have to deal with Nevaeh's venom. But even without my power I had the distinct feeling that something was going on, something was off, like Kael and Nevaeh were keeping something from me. As always, my thoughts went to James first. I hadn't seen him in two days, which wasn't too shocking, but with Kael's mood and our lengthy outdoor training in which clearly everyone was miserable, it all seemed to be connected to the strange feeling I had about the day, the knot that wouldn't leave my chest, the pressure behind my eyes. I tried to ignore my suspicion, but James stayed lurking in the back of my mind, watching me, mocking me.

Close to six, when the sun was sinking near the tree line, Kael finally heaved himself onto a pile of leaves, panting like a dog from our latest sparring match. I was out of breath too, even with the endurance names I had used. I leaned on the staff I had been using and looked down at him. Nevaeh was seated on a low branch behind him, cleaning her claw-like nails.

"What now, Rex?" I asked in as chipper a voice as I could muster.

I had started calling Kael different dog names about a week earlier. Sometimes his eager jubilance reminded me of a puppy so much I couldn't help it. He seemed to enjoy the nicknames too. I don't know when or how, but Kael had become the closed thing to a best friend I could ever remember having, and I liked it.

He cracked a smile up at me before laying back, sending a tidal wave of dry leaves flying out from him. Nevaeh answered instead of him.

"Can we please be done? I'm bored, and cold and it's been over twelve hours. You can't keep her out here all night. Might as well just tell and let her do whatever idiotic thing she wants."

"Tell me what?"

Kael shot Nevaeh a look like acid as I asked, but she stared Kael down right back with a smug look on her face. He looked genuinely disgusted with her for a moment before he glanced to me and patted the crunchy leaves sparingly coated in white dust next to him in a defeated manner. I sat down and looked at him expectantly.

"First off, don't look at me like that, all wide-eyed and cute. I didn't want to tell you this in the first place. It isn't my place to tell someone else's demons, or past."

My ears perked at this. I was sure it was about James, and the prospect of learning something of his past made my heart flutter despite myself. Kael continued.

"But knowing you, now that Nevaeh," he slid her another dirty look, "opened her big, fat mouth, you won't let this die until you know. Am I right?"

I nodded, trying to look guilty. He stared at me for a moment longer before muttering.

"It's creepy how similar you are to him, you know that? It's...it's unnatural."

This left me confused. James seemed nothing like me, at least not that I had seen. Besides loving violence, and darkness, normal Darkling things, and maybe being a tad overly guarded, but that hardly seemed to be what Kael was talking about.

He took a deep breath before speaking again.

"James is holed up in his room. October twenty-eighth, every year, it's always the same. The first couple of years I tried to go see him, to find out what was wrong, what I could do to help. Nevaeh's tried too, but it's always the same. He just needs to be alone today. He gives us his whole existence, and in return he asks for just a little time to grieve. A little time to be alone, to be selfish. I think he deserves that much from us.

You may not view this like I do because you haven't been here as long, you haven't seen what he does for us, how he belongs to us completely. He might be our leader, but in reality he's a servant to the Clan. Everything he does, he does for us, three hundred and sixty-four days a year. That's a hell of a lot more than I can say I do."

Kael had tried to actually mention James' reasoning as shortly and sweetly as possible, instead focusing on why I should let it be. But one part stuck in my mind.

"Who is he grieving for?"

I tried to look Kael in the eyes, but he was avoiding mine, one of his tells that he was about to twist the truth.

"We all have someone to grieve, Jordan. You don't live this life without losing people along the way."

He finally looked at me and his eyes were sad, I could see painful memories playing behind them, even without my Gift.

"Like Ambriel."

He nodded.

"And others, we've all lost many people close to us, either to the wars we fight, their natures, or their own minds."

Now it was my turn to nod, but the somber subject didn't make me forget that Kael had skirted my question.

"Is James mourning one person more than the rest though? October twenty-eighth every year is an oddly specific time to grieve, unless there's importance in the date," I asked the question gently, not wanting to push Kael too hard, but I kept my eyes on his, hoping he would decide to tell the truth.

"He holds it in all year, buries it, and ignores it. He deserves one day to be Human in honor of her." As soon as Kael said the last word he snapped his mouth shut, knowing he had said too much.

"Her?" I said as evenly as I could, though I had a strange feeling in my stomach.

Nevaeh piped up from her perch then, taunting me.

"Ooh, is that jealousy I hear?"

"Curiosity," I replied calmly, not letting her goad me, before looking back to Kael, eyebrows raised in question.

"See! I knew I shouldn't have even said anything. You're just like James, chipping away until you get the answers you want. Well fine, it's his mother. She died on the twenty-eighth of October fourteen years ago, right before he left home. That's all I know though, he isn't really big on sharing his past, especially weaknesses. So I advise you to stay upstairs today, to just let him have one day to be a real person with real emotions, real pain. He's a soldier the rest of the year, a good leader, but not a true person. This is the one time he lets himself not be a leader, and just be a man."

I couldn't truly explain the feeling that filled my chest at Kael's words, it was almost like a hot knife, slipping between my ribs, like a sharp pain near my heart, a crushing pressure on my chest. Something like instincts fueled me and before I realized it, I had released my Gift, sending it out from the confines of my mind, sending it further than I ever had before.

Immediately I was covered by a mountain of despair and unbelievable guilt, pain so raw it was almost physical. It wasn't like when I had felt Kael's thoughts and painful memories by accident in the woods months earlier, this was from James, from my connection to him. Somehow it was like the wire connecting us was calling me to him, showing me that he needed me. I couldn't feel his fire or his thoughts, I was too far away, but I still felt him, his pain, like a beacon calling me regardless of our distance, like our very connection was calling, not even my Gift or him.

A rush of guilt from my own mind quickly followed the suffocating emotions from James'. Here I had been trying to ignore his existence as he dealt with a part of his past so painful he retreated every year to try and deal with it, to hide his weakness from the world. He was so alone, and somehow that made it impossible for me to hate him. I was his partner, I was connected to him, I was a part of him. He should never be alone, not anymore, never again.

I hid my Gift again as I realized Kael was staring at me with a guarded look on his face, still waiting for a response. I knew he would get that disappointed, deflated look if I told him I wanted to see James. He'd think I would make things worse. I understood his concern, James' and my relationship had been volatile at best and to be honest, I didn't really know if he would even want to see me, but I had to try. I just knew he needed me, and as long as James was in need or hurting, I could never turn my back on him.

That's what my mind had been trying to tell me all day. I couldn't get James out of my head because he had been calling me, or at least our connection had been crying out for it's True Pair. Maybe not consciously, but the crushing sadness my Gift had felt was clear enough.

I decided to take a leap of faith and tell Kael the truth. I had kept this secret from him for far too long. He was honest with me, usually, it was about time I returned the favor and acted like he was an ally, not an acquaintance.

"Do you know what a True Pair is?"

Kael's face changed to mild surprise before he slowly nodded.

"James is mine."

The forest was still for a moment, as if shocked into silence, and then I heard a peel of high, mocking laughter. I had been so consumed by Kael's words and then my own thoughts and emotions I had completely forgotten Nevaeh was still present. I cursed myself silently for being so careless.

"Do you even know how rare that is? I mean like one Pair every few hundred years, or every few thousand years, maybe! It isn't possible, James couldn't be linked to you. James is powerful and...and a leader, a king compared to you. That's just absurd. Right, Kael?"

She directed the last of her words to her partner, but he didn't look at her, or even acknowledge her. He looked completely serious as he stared at me. After a few more seconds of silence he gave a slight nod, almost not enough to notice, his eyes locked with mine.

"I can't stand knowing my brother's in so much pain and I can't do anything about it," he shook his head and glanced down at the leaves, "maybe you can."

Kael's eyes proved his words as he looked back up at me. I could tell he hurt for James. Nevaeh was left mute, disbelief covering her pretty features as I turned in the direction of the house. My heart was pounding as I walked through the woods, the winter chill now seemed frigid. And to be honest, I was scared. I didn't have a clue what I was going to say or do when I got to James, I just knew I had to go to him. I had to see him, to be with him.

The house was calm and quiet, just like so many nights when I stayed up after the rest of the Clan went to sleep. I wondered if Kael and Nevaeh would be coming in soon, or if they'd continue to train, I doubted it. I wondered what choice words Nevaeh was saying and what Kael's response would be. He never ceased to surprise me. He truly was a good man. Sometimes I forgot what a dark past he had, sometimes I couldn't even remember how terrifying he had looked when I first saw him Shift, before I knew what he was. What I was. Sometimes I forgot he wasn't just my friend, that he had killed innocent people before James found him, before he saved him. That I didn't even know how much blood was on his hands.

My pace involuntarily slowed as I walked across the gym floor. What if he didn't want to see me? He certainly had tried to avoid me the last few weeks, what made today any different? It made more sense that out of all the previous days he would want to see me even less today. And even if he did want to see me, what the hell was I going to say? Empathy had never come easy to me, though I felt like it might be different now, since I really could feel what he felt. The thought still scared me. I didn't know how to be a good therapist, hell, I didn't even know how to be a good friend, a good person.

In the midst of my worrying, my Gift jumped from me, I hadn't called it, it just turned on like an automatic porch light. All doubts were wiped from my mind as soon as the wave of emotions, of need, rushed over me, and then the voltage came right on its heels. The fire I had missed, the feeling of electricity and power, the ecstasy of it all, it was all back. Then I softly knocked.

I could feel him inches away on the other side of the door. I could almost see him in my mind, leaning his forehead against the thick wood, eyes closed, wishing I would turn around and leave. Instead, I knocked again.

The fire on my skin made me feel light-headed and I was sure this was the strongest I had ever felt him, or maybe it had been so long since I had really felt it, since I had let myself enjoy it and admit how good it felt. I felt my heart rise into my throat and the adrenaline mixed with our connection made it difficult to get my thoughts to work. I took a deep breath to try to clear my mind.

I felt our connection flicker for a moment, as if he was trying to shut me out but couldn't quite manage, or maybe he wasn't really trying that hard. There was a pause and I almost felt silly for standing before a closed door, wishing it would open. And then I felt it, his thoughts filled my mind like air, like wind, as smooth and natural as if they were my own.

Please, Angel. I can't. Not now. Please leave. Please understand. I'm sorry.

The pain our connection had shown me earlier was only a sliver of what I felt when his words came to me. It was like a floodgate had opened, of guilt and shame and hate. I was drowning in it. I could feel it in his mind, hear it in his thoughts, I could sense it in every part of him. His apology struck me too. I had never expected to hear him say those words, even if it wasn't out loud. It hurt so much I felt panic rising in me. These emotions weren't something I had been expecting, they weren't something I was ready for.

I slammed the door in my mind, shutting off the fire, the electricity, but also shutting out the torment. It had been crushing me, so in exchange, losing the feeling of ecstasy seemed a fair price. I couldn't believe I had done it, but it was self-preservation, I had to. He wanted me to leave and I wasn't even close to capable of helping him. I had never felt anything like that before, the only thing comparable was the pain I had felt when I thought I was going to lose James so many weeks ago, or the self-disgust when I thought I would go dark. I couldn't willingly feel that again.

James had done this on his own for years, he could do it again, it's what he wanted. He wanted to be alone. I kept repeating the thoughts as I turned and began to walk back across the gym. I was almost to the stairs when I stopped, something was at the edge of my mind, something I needed to see. And then I understood.

Of course James would try to get me to leave, and of course a gentle knock wouldn't be enough. Every encounter we had had, at least every one that had gotten any kind of results, had been from us warring, from me defying him, from me challenging him.

I was so worried about what he was going through I had forgotten who I was dealing with. This was James: stubborn, arrogant, unyielding. And I thought he would just roll over and accept help? He was too proud to take help unless it was forced upon him. He hadn't even been accepting of help when he was close to mortally wounded, yet I thought he would just open his door and let me walk in now? I felt stupid for almost falling for it.

I turned around and glared at the closed door. I weighed the options of it being locked before I stalked over to it. I raised my hand to knock again, but thought better of it. I flipped the switch in my mind as I turned the handle. It was open like I had guessed. James would never expect someone to barge in, so why bother with a lock?

James was standing next to the fireplace, a look on his face of half-shock, half-contempt. He had an almost empty bottle in his hand, hanging down by his side. I walked in and tried to keep my breath even as the electricity reached a new voltage and his presence covered me like a storm. The room still smelled like him but there was an odd, sweet smell in the air too...alcohol. I kept my eyes on James, trying to not look half as scared as I felt. He was glaring at me now, his jaw set in a rigid line.

"You're drunk," I said, similar to the last time I had been in his room, but I could tell that this time he wasn't faking it.

His eyes moved to the floor by his feet. A heap of bottles lay there, like a pile of bones, all empty with the light of the fire reflecting off of them. His eyes came up to mine just in time for a sneer to pull up his lip as he replied.

"Family tradition I guess. It takes a lot more to intoxicate Angels, Darklings too. What a shame." His reply sounded convincing enough, his speech housed the distinct lilt of someone inebriated.

"Funny, I didn't think of you as a drinker," I replied flippantly.

I was baiting him, and I hoped he would take it. He wasn't the type to go down without a fight, so I planned on bringing him one. I let the door swing closed behind me as I walked further into his room uninvited, irreverent.

"We all have our vices I suppose," he jeered back, still not moving from the spot he had planted himself. I sat on the couch in front of the fire, just a couple of feet from him and patted the cushion next to me pleasantly.

"Let's talk, Ash."

I could feel anger building up in him through our connection. The electricity flickered every few seconds, like he kept trying to block me but couldn't. I gave a thin smile up at him, not quite mean, though I tried.

Before I knew it he was standing above me, holding my arm at the elbow and pulling me to my feet.

"Get out," he growled between his teeth, his eyes flashing with warning.

He practically dragged me towards the door and we were halfway there before I ripped my arm away. I felt my Shift turn in me, like it always did when I trained, or sparred with Kael and I had to stuff it down to keep it under control. James made to grab my arm again and I half let him, then I spun away, pulling from part of my Shift to give me strength and using his momentum to shove his back against the door, my forearm pressed into his throat, my weight pinning his body between the door and mine. I tried to ignore how feverish he felt.

"I'm not afraid to hurt you anymore, and I'm not leaving," I said harshly, pushing into his neck for emphasis.

I saw a hard smile touch his lips a moment before his eyes went dark. What seemed like an unbeatable force threw me back like I was a doll, I felt him grab my arm and twist it behind me and then his other hand came up and wrapped around my neck, his body pressed to my back. My Shift lurched from me and I had to fight the urge to pull away and let him break my arm in the process. Kael had scolded me enough times for letting myself get injured just to get out of a chokehold.

I felt his breath at my ear a second later and a rush of memories came to me. The Fallen man had done the same, though he hadn't had to use physical force. I had been just as helpless then as now. I felt the thought burn into my mind. I never wanted to be helpless, not against a Fallen, and not against James. I had learned so much since then, I had trained so hard. I wasn't helpless anymore.

My body decided what to do before my mind, my Shift and its instincts and weeks of training
took over and I let them. I leaned back into James before raising my free arm and grabbing around the back of his neck. I snapped my body forward as I pulled him over me, flipping him over my back and onto the floor before me.

Sometime during his short flight he let go of me to try to catch himself but I had him off guard and was on him in a flash. He was flat on his back with me on top of him, my legs squeezing his arms to his sides, one arm braced on the ground and the other against his throat again.

"Stop. Fighting." I ground out as I tried to focus my Shift to my strength.

After a moment, his eyes lightened a shade until they were his dark blue and the whites returned. But his glare was still just as frightening.

"Get off me," he commanded, and I almost did just from his tone.

"Say I can stay," I replied in the same commanding voice.

There was a pause where his eyes burned into mine, his were filled with hate and I had to stop myself from feeling hurt. Instead, I stared right back, my eyes still black from my Shift.

"I don't care, just get off of me," he spit the words up at me, venom and anger flavoring his voice.

I complied then, assuming that was the best answer I would get from him. I felt a little jolt of victory before I remembered that the battle had only just begun. I silently cursed James for being so damn proud. If he would just let me help him, this would be so much easier, but no, instead I had to fight for the right to even speak with him. He slowly got up and shook his hair out like a dog before kicking the bottle he had dropped during our scuffle over to the pile.

"Kael's training you well," he said quietly before he grabbed another bottle from a half-empty cupboard.

"Is that a compliment?"

I pulled my Shift back as he shot a sneer over one shoulder before returning to stand next to the fireplace.

"I'll take it as a compliment then. Thank you." I said in a cocky tone. He ignored me.

I sat on the couch, leaning my back against the arm, and stretching out in a comfortable position, ready for the long haul.

"I'll stay as long as it takes," I said as I closed my eyes.

Cat's out of the True Pair bag! And this chapter holds a dear place in my heart. My favorite band of all time, ever, and one of my favorite chapters. It just works. And is this the beginning to reconciliation?

Well, I'd hate to give that away, but one thing I CAN promise, is that you'll learn a lot about James in the next chapter, and the feels...the feels will break you.

Enjoy!

T