I've learned enough to know that what you do makes who you are.
So here's a lesson in deception, don't act like you don't know.

Ice Nine Kills - You Scratched My Anchor

I tapped lightly on James' door an hour after we got home, I knew he would hear. It was close to three in the morning and I had been anxious for the time to pass. I had wanted to give him time to settle down from the evening's events, but not so long that he forgot what the club had shown him. That he was lonely and that feeling someone with you, having someone warm in your arms, making you feel good wasn't always a bad thing. Sometimes tiny pleasures didn't need to be guarded against.

Tensions had been high during the car ride, in part from James and Jordan all but baring their teeth at each other outside the club, but also the amount of sexual frustration in the car was unprecedented. Angels are passionate creatures, to an extent Humans cannot fathom, meaning an evening of near-companionship when none of us had had it in months was awful teasing.

James' hands had been balled into fists the entire drive, Kael was either gripping the steering wheel like it might try to escape, or distractedly texting what I assumed was the slut from the club, and Jordan stared out the window stonily, but I heard even her sigh a few times. I had to fake feeling the same, but in truth I was tickled pink, though my first meeting with James in his room had only been that morning, I was sure my plan could progress tonight. He certainly seemed like he could use the company.

As soon as we arrived home, Kael called a 'friend' and left for her place, Jordan went straight to her room and James to his. I changed, showered and waited. Finally three in the morning rolled around and I found myself at James' door.

I expected him to simply call me in again, like that morning, but instead the door swung open, a wave of heat from his overly warmed room hitting me. He had clearly showered recently and his damp hair hung in his face, it made him look younger. He had grey sweats on but nothing else and still held a towel in his hand. He idly rubbed at his hair with the toweled hand while his other gripped the door, blocking my path. He glanced me up and down. I had showered too and let me hair fall over my shoulders in wet waves, I opted for a casual look and wore sweatpants and a tank. I guessed James would like it. Jordan often wore similarly grungy clothes.

He gave me a weak smile, almost a defeated smile, before nodding his head in and turning from the door. I slipped in after him but he didn't walk to his bed, instead he sat by the fire, I fought the urge to stick my lips out in a pout. Instead, I joined him, I had been hoping we wouldn't have to speak, but apparently he wasn't about to let that happen.

"What do you need, Nevaeh?" He asked in a tired voice, just like he had that morning.

"I was about to ask you the same thing."

He had a slight bruise showing where the idiot from the club had hit him. I lightly touched my fingertips to it before murmuring Isda's name to heal him. I wasn't the best healer, but I saw an opportunity I couldn't let slip. I breathed out Mihr's name, the Angel of Friendship, Angel of Comfort, I knew James would recognize it and I hoped it would calm his mind to my intentions.

But I knew a little trick, something most Darklings didn't. Merely saying an Angel name did nothing, you had to use some of your power, your connection to Heaven, to the Angels, to have it work. This wasn't the little known part though, all Darklings were taught how to properly call on Angels during their training. The secret was something my mother had taught me, something I hadn't shared with the others because there was no need to. The secret was that you could speak one name while calling another. Using only your mouth for one but your power, your blood, to summon the effects of another, calling them with your mind, if not your voice.

It never brought about as strong an effect as thinking and speaking the same name, but it still could influence feelings, behavior, outcomes. And though I spoke Mihr, I focused my mind on Anael, Angel of Passion. I knew the effects would be too weak to truly influence James in any meaningful or profound way, but maybe it would at least lower his guards, his inhibitions. My scheme seemed to work as he visibly relaxed at hearing Mihr. I gave him a small, reassuring smile.

"So, what do you need?" I asked again.

His eyes wandered the floor as he seemed to think something over, I began to worry he had sensed the true Angel name I had called but after a moment he spoke.

"I'm your leader, it isn't right for me to ask anything of you. Leaders serve the Clan, they don't require anything more than loyalty in return. You do enough by being a devoted member of our family. I don't want anything else of you." He looked me in the eyes at the last part, putting emphasis in his words.

"You're right," I said evenly back to him. "It wouldn't be right for you to ask me for something, so I'll do it without being asked." I stood and reached a hand down to him, he paused and looked up at me, a line on his brow.

"Don't make me drag you to the bed. I wouldn't want you to get the wrong idea," I said teasingly, trying not to sound flirtatious, the tone my voice was accustomed to taking.

He smiled and dropped his head, shaking it as he chuckled, his hair falling into his face and hiding his smile with the tilt. When he looked back up he almost looked happy as he grabbed my hand and let me pull him from the chair.

To be honest, I don't know how I had stayed on such good behavior that morning. James was irresistible. He smelled like his soap, a light pine scent mixed with his normal smell of burned wood smoke, and the heat from his skin felt heavenly against mine. Fire and Water Signs usually seemed an odd pairing, but maybe because my connection was weaker it wouldn't really affect anything.

I pushed him on the bed and sat next to him at first, trailing my fingertips over his chest and abs, running my hands down his arms as if I really was a masseuse. He felt divine, all hard corded muscle under smooth skin, even his scars didn't bother me as much the second time. He had his eyes closed as he laid on his back, letting my hands run over his arms and chest and I could tell he was trying hard to relax, but between the Angel name I had slipped him, the club, and the meeting with Jev, I knew it would be a losing battle, he was too wound up. I smiled at the thought. Calm, ever-even James being full of emotions and desires, it was a nice new side to him.

I leaned down next to him, letting my breath hit his bare shoulder, my lips just an inch from his skin. I saw the corner of his mouth pull a bit, a minuscule contented curve there.

"Roll over, darling," I purred at him. James obeyed and I straddled his back, giving myself a better angle to rub his shoulders and neck.

I continued like that, rubbing his shoulders, down his back, up to his neck, kneading at his knotted muscles. I kept my hands out of his hair though, I would save that for later, now that I knew how much he loved it. I scratched my nails down his back after close to ten minutes of the backrub, after I knew he was close to relaxed, not hard enough to really hurt, but close. This gained a muffled but appreciative deep groan from James, low and rumbling, almost a growl.

I laughed softly. He stretched his back and shifted beneath me, and I scooted a little further down. After a couple more minutes and some lighter scratches, I leaned forward, rubbing my hands down his arms and laying on him in the process. He shifted a little as my breath hit his neck. I straightened, reversing the trail of my hands back up his arms. James murmured something. And I leaned down again, repeating the motion and laying with my chest on his back.

"Mmh, what was that?" I said breathlessly, my lips grazing his ear.

He let out a sigh before answering in a near whisper.

"It feels good, that's all."

"Well, that's the point," I said sweetly in his ear before straightening again.

I paused, not touching him for a moment, then ran my hands through his hair, up from his neck, over behind his ears. At the second circle of my hands I felt him shiver. I leaned forward again, keeping my hands twined in his hair as I pressed myself against him and left one little kiss on his neck. I felt his shoulders tense beneath my chest and silently I called on two more Angel names.

I knew I wasn't the strongest of the Clan with my Gifts or Sign but I had grown up with Angel names, and not just the healers. I was the best in this area and I would use it to my advantage tonight. I hoped James' emotions would cloud his mind enough that he wouldn't notice the Angel's lust and passion seeping into his veins, maybe he would mistake it for his own.

"Relax, James," I said in a soothing voice as I ran my hands over the muscles in his arms. "You're lonely, I know because I am too. This won't change anything, don't worry about me thinking it will. I just need someone, and so do you." I slowed my words as I ended, laying a feather light kiss on his shoulder between the last three.

His back stayed tensed for only a second more before relaxing beneath me again, either from the seduction of the Angel names or my words, I didn't know, or care.

Once again, I hadn't planned on going so far, on being so bold, but I also hadn't planned on slipping the Angel names into his mind. Tonight was simply going too well to stop now. My kisses became heavier and soon James had turned his neck so I had more room. He might have not been joining yet, but I could tell he was at least enjoying it, or trying to let himself enjoy it. I bit at his ear lightly and he made a noise, I bit a little harder and moved to his neck. Something like a growl rumbled from James again and then suddenly I was on my back with James on top of me.

He was breathing heavily and I was too, he almost looked confused for a split second as he looked down at me pinned beneath him. His body felt amazing on top of mine, better than I had imagined, burning and solid, crushing.

"You should go," he said in a voice filled with gravel.

"James, for once give yourself what you want. Let yourself be happy even if just for a night. You don't always have to resist every temptation of our nature. I know this won't mean anything."

I was getting really tired of convincing him, he could be such a martyr sometimes. I didn't let my irritation show though, that wouldn't help anything. Instead, I twisted one arm around James' shoulder, pulling him down on top of me further. He was still staring at me and I could tell he was thinking, weighing the options, the reasons on each side. He could never just do something, he always had to analyze every option, think everything to death.

I leaned my head up, my lips just a hair from his.

"Kiss me," I said quietly, my lips grazing his.

Either from his weight on me or nerves or something else, I couldn't quite catch my breath and I had a strange tight feeling in my chest. But then his mouth was on mine, his hands on me, pulling me into him, pressing me against him. It was better than I had imagined, he tasted sweet and his mouth was hot. He was so much bigger than me, so much stronger, it was pure ecstasy to be in his arms.

His hands felt like fire running down my body, twisting in my damp hair, it was all I could do to not cry out from the pleasure. Instead, I moaned against his mouth, rolling my body against his. He groaned back and then just as quickly as it had begun, he was propped up, hardly touching me at all, holding his body stiffly off of mine, like any contact might burn him. He swore under his breath and rolled onto his back.

"You have to go. Now. I 'm not doing this with you. Leave."

He moved to the edge of the bed and sat, his voice sounded tired, but not just tired, weary. He had sounded that way a lot lately. Despite myself I felt a flash of anger, I had known this wouldn't be easy and I had told myself there would be nights like this, cut short, but still, I was frustrated. I hid it as best I could and with a simple 'if that's what you want,' I got up and left.

Even with the disappointing end, my time with James had still left me feeling electrified. He was like a drug, his touch, his body, his presence was addicting. It left me wanting more. And I always got what I wanted.

» ✦ «

I had been tempted to use my Gift, to change how the world looked, but instead of a glamour for others, it would be for me, to change who I saw in my room. If I closed my eyes, if I just let it naturally happen, I could almost imagine that it was Jordan. But it wasn't. I didn't have the feelings, the nerves, the fire, nothing that she brought about when she was truly near.

I hated myself for what I was doing, but self-loathing wasn't new to me. At least it felt good, at least on the surface. Nevaeh was beautiful, skilled, and willing, eager even, but it was still wrong. For some reason I didn't care though, maybe she was right and I needed someone. I was lonely, and hearing that she was too hurt me. She had lost so much, she had lost everyone, just like me. It couldn't hurt to just give in. I was so tired of fighting my nature, and if I was going to give in to one part of it, this seemed the least damaging, the least damning.

It might feel wrong deeper, but her skin on mine didn't, her mouth didn't. Who would it hurt? She had already admitted it meant nothing. Was this what a good leader did? I was supposed to take care of my Clan, to serve them, and if Nevaeh was hurting, shouldn't I do what I could to lessen her pain? If she was lonely and she wanted me to help, shouldn't I?

My mind felt underwater and I couldn't think straight, maybe I shouldn't be thinking. No thoughts, just actions, that's what tonight was about. That's what I wanted, what she needed.

And then suddenly, I felt Jordan, I felt her two floors above me, laying in her bed unable to sleep. She wasn't weak like I was. And then it clicked. I didn't want to be with Nevaeh, and being with her wouldn't stop me from feeling lonely, not even for the night. I wanted Jordan and since I couldn't have her, not if I cared about her or this Clan, I might as well get used to being lonely.

Feeling Jordan's presence, even if she was far away, even if she couldn't feel me back, still reminded me of who I was, or who I wanted to be. Without her even knowing it, she gave me the clarity to send Nevaeh away. She left without a fit, which surprised me, but I was too worn out to really care. Emotionally, physically...I was just tired. I knew what was coming, and I was always weaker this time of year.

The door closed with a click and I was alone, but not really. I could still feel Jordan, I didn't know why I could sometimes and not others, regardless of if I blocked her or not, but I was grateful for each precious second my Sight let me watch her, let me be with her. It was the only small pleasure I had, that I could see her, enjoy her without her knowing, that way it couldn't hurt anyone but me.

If she thought I was fine without any contact with her, without my Blood Twin, my True Pair, then it would be easier for her to hate me, ignore me, whatever it was she had to do. If she knew that in reality I wouldn't have been able to survive these last six weeks without small luxuries like this, it would be impossible for her. If she knew, it would be as good as a death sentence.

I watched her whenever I could. I watched her train and become stronger, she really was gifted. I watched her go for her walks alone in our woods or through our cemetery, or when she was relaxing in her room. It was my favorite thing, when she had a small smile on her face as she dove into some daydream. I watched her train on her own, sometimes all night. I wanted to go out to her and tell her to take a break, to relax and take care of herself, but I couldn't. She was so driven, it was admirable. But I also watched her grow cold, hard. It was to be expected in this life, a warrior has to be tough, but it was sad to see the empty thing she was turning herself into in the name of strength.

She was becoming emotionless and it was painful to watch. She no longer seemed to care about anything, maybe she couldn't anymore. It's like she was trying to be just as apathetic as me, to prove she cared about me less than I cared about her. That's why she could never know that I watched her, that I did care, deeply and truly and more than I had ever cared about anything, or anyone, ever before.

Ten minutes after Nevaeh left, I was still lying in bed staring up at my ceiling, a silly smile on my face. I probably would have looked insane if there had been anyone there to see me, but I didn't care. I hadn't been able to sense Jordan so vividly for days and I was reveling in the rare ecstasy of the feeling on my skin. The tingle almost had a weight of its own now. It had been getting stronger each time.

She was laying in her own bed, fifty feet above me, looking out the window as she fiddled with the thin ring she always sported on her right pinky. She wore a slight frown on her face, a line between her big, gray eyes. I wished I could smooth it out with a light touch, my hands ached for it. Suddenly, she pulled herself off the bed and began peeling out of the tank she must have changed into after the club. I forced myself to shut out her presence. I couldn't let myself spy on her at times like this. She deserved at least some privacy, even if that was all I was strong enough to give to her.

She rarely slept in much and I hated her for it, even though it wasn't her fault, I was the one spying, it's not like she knew what she was doing to me. Once I closed my Gift and she was gone, a heavy, empty feeling settled in my chest. I felt cold despite the heat of my room and I pulled my Sign around me to warm myself, to try and thaw away the ache I felt.

NEVEAH HOW COULD YOU! I TRUSTED YOU! >_<

You don't slip stuff in people's drinks and you don't slip stuff in people's minds. Shame on you, girl, shame.