It's the nothing that kills.
I can't save you.
Control is something out of mine.

As Cities Burn - Of Want & Misery: The Nothing That Kills

I sat on my bed most of the night, staring out the window and thinking about what would happen to the Clan if its leader was gone. Kael had told me to leave, so he could focus on helping James, he said he would come get me if he had any questions I might be able to answer or if there was any change. He hadn't called on me yet though. Even Nevaeh, who seemed to not care about anyone or anything but herself, wasn't asleep. I could hear her soft music drifting across the hallway until close to four.

I tried to keep my mind busy, thinking of anything but the possibility of losing James, of losing my True Pair, my partner. I wasn't even a slightly spiritual person and I had never been a fan of religion, but I begged whatever was out there, whatever higher power there might be to save him, to give Kael the knowledge to figure out what was wrong, to give James the strength to wake up. I figured if there were Angels maybe there was some kind of a god too.

I had never been faced with something like this. I had never cared about another person, not like this at least. And it was more than that, James was my True Pair, not just my partner but something more and even though I didn't know entirely what that meant, I could feel it deep in my spirit, my being. I could feel that some part of me was dying, being ripped away. Not quickly like a severing though, no, this was a slow tear, as if every moment one more tendril couldn't take the strain and snapped. Like a razor gradually pressing into skin harder and harder until it slowly broke through each layer, cutting deeper. It was torturous.

I could physically feel that something was wrong, that James was losing whatever battle he was silently fighting inside himself, stuck in his own head. That was the worst part, I knew he wasn't going to come back in one sense, even though I couldn't admit it to myself. I felt nauseous, which didn't surprise me, seeing a drop of his blood made me faint, and now most of it was either in the backseat of a city cab or soaked into his sweatshirt and jeans.

I shut my door around five, no longer expecting Kael to come get me. I shut my window too, and drew the blinds, and then the curtains.

I hadn't cried, really cried, since I was a little girl, about little girl things, like a skinned knee or a harsh word, but I felt my face begin to warm and I didn't fight it. I curled up in the bed that wasn't really mine, hugged a pillow into me and silently cried hidden under the covers.

I cried for so much. I tried to tell myself it wasn't just for James, it was for all of this life, the changes I had been through, the future, the unknown, the new things I did know, the pain Kael and Nevaeh would go through...but I couldn't convince myself. I knew I was crying for only one reason; James.

I was crying because I cared for him, whether we were connected in some mystical way or not, the connection I felt whenever he was around gave me more, more emotion, more fire, more life. It made me feel like something in this world mattered, like there was more. I was crying because nothing scared me more than losing that feeling, that fire, than losing him, even if I couldn't understand why I felt it, or what it was.

I was crying because I loved James, as irrational as that was, as much as I would never admit it in any other circumstance except in the face of losing him, I still knew it was true. I was crying because he wasn't ever going to know it. I was crying because the only thing I had ever loved was dying and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. I was crying because I was helpless and I hated it.

I cried myself to sleep, wishing and praying to a god I didn't believe in to save him, to let me take his place.

» ✦ «

I woke up to a half-world. I didn't understand what was going on, nothing made sense, everything was foggy, everything except the pain. Pain like ice radiated through my body, all too real. My head shot bolts of it down the length of me, my heart sent fire through my limbs, my stomach felt like it had been torn apart by splinters of glass, even the air seemed to put a torturous pressure on me, sharp yet crushing.

I felt like crying out, screaming at the pain to leave, begging it to kill me instead of forcing me to suffer through it, on and on, endlessly, but I couldn't get any air in my lungs. They felt full of liquid, iced water that expanded and rippled, scraping new places with each wave. I felt hands holding me, but nothing from this world, I was sure I felt claws squeezing the life from me. I could feel raw skin on my back, hanging off grotesquely as if I had been whipped and I couldn't even move my hands to comfort it, each finger was broken and held in an unnatural position, some missing entirely.

I felt a tear slide out of the corner of my eye, cutting like a razor, slicing through my cheek as it fell, burning a trail, boiling skin off bone, peeling back as it charred. And then there was a glimmer of relief, of reprieve from the pain, just for a moment. A feather light touch of skin touching my cheek, gently taking away the burn...then it was gone, and a sea of ice and fire overtook me once more.

» ✦ «

Our leader was gone. There was nothing I could do. I had tried every mantra, every heavenly name, every spell and potion and trick I knew, but nothing changed my brother's condition. He just laid there, his heart beating slower and slower, his breath coming in shorter and shorter strained bursts, and that shaking. A small tremor that almost looked like it was from cold, except for the fact that James' body was burning up.

This was a fever like I had never seen. He had been freezing in the car, but now it was like his Sign was trying to blaze through him. This was an injury I had never seen, a poison I had never seen. The only thing I did recognize was the tremor, that god-awful shake. I had seen my brother tremble like that once before, except he hadn't been unconscious - and I prayed that wasn't what he was experiencing now.

It was our first Halfling, a woman named Ivory. She had been running wild in a small country town in Ireland, killing young men in sadistic ways after she lured them to her house with the promise of a carnal night. Darklings knew it was her, but the local Clans turned a blind eye to her actions because they were afraid of her. I remember I was scared too when James told me we were going after her. I had only been with him for six months, and I still wasn't sure I was a good enough fighter.

He had taught me about Halflings, about how they were diseased, evil creatures. How not a single one could control themselves, how they could be the most beautiful beings on Earth but were still vile monsters that would rather watch their own partners burn than save them. They would rather cause pain than anything else, even if it was worse for them, even if they gained nothing, they would still cause destruction and pain if they could. They cared for no one, they didn't even have the capacity to care. They had no souls, they had no hearts, though they could convince you they were made of gold. They were the best liars, and they were patient. They were pure evil.

I had had nightmares just from James' stories, from his firsthand accounts of the Halflings he had faced in his life. Of the monsters that hid behind heavenly faces and sweet words. Of the men and women that drew you in until you trusted them and then tore your heart out from your chest just to watch the shock freeze on your face, just because they enjoyed it.

James knew I was afraid of Ivory, but he believed in me and even said he would be the bait. He said he knew I wouldn't let him die. I had never gone up against anything more than a sixteenth, but I was loyal to James, and I had told myself I wouldn't let my only friend in the world die.

Ivory was powerful, and she had more experience, more years and more Demons under her than anyone we had faced, but I trusted James. He had saved me, he had made me who I was, so I followed him. I would have followed him to Hell if he'd asked me to. I still would.

We watched her for days, acting normal during the day, dismembering and torturing by night. Finally, James said he was going to become her next victim, and that I would kill her once she was distracted. James had always been good at distracting women, and Ivory tended to play with her food long and hard before she killed, but things so rarely go according to plan.

She realized what James was, even with his cloak and all the tricks we had used to conceal his powers and bloodline. She had still been able to tell, like she could smell the tainted blood in his veins. I thought she would kill him right away, but instead she used a power over him, something I still had nightmares of.

I had heard of Darklings with the same Gift as Ivory, except their strength was like a blade of grass next to a great Redwood. Ivory could give pain, not physically, she didn't even have to be touching her victim, she just had to give it. And that was what she did to James.

One moment he was standing before her, a cocky smile on his face and amusement in his eyes and the next he was on his knees, his back arched and his eyes squeezed shut. That was the only other time I had seen him shake like he was now, when her power was ripping through him.

His entire body had trembled and he later told me he couldn't make a noise, couldn't move. The pain was so great, he had silently begged Heaven to kill him right there. The woman had stood over him, watching like James was her twisted toy as he shook with a pain I couldn't fathom. I was frozen in my hiding spot, not able to comprehend what was going on. How she could have bested James. I knew Halflings were more powerful, but I had thought of James as invincible up until that day. He had never made a mistake, never even been seriously injured. He was the perfect fighter, but right then, seeing him on his knees, helpless and trapped by some unseen enemy. I was almost too scared to help. I almost ran away.

Lucky for James, Ivory was theatrical, and slowly bent to kiss him. It was a long, deep kiss, and it gave me the time necessary to pull myself out of my shocked stupor. My shot to her heart was perfect, clean and centered. She was dead before her lips left James'.

James hadn't been the same for days afterward. He pretended to be fine, of course, like he always did, but he wasn't. He was more on edge, more easily startled, anxious and jumpy. He even flinched away from me a couple of times. Pain like that can change a person, maybe not on the outside or in any visible way, but it certainly changed James on the inside, in his mind, like the tendrils of that pain were still wrapped around him at times.

I could only hope that the similar shake I was seeing in the hospital bed wasn't the same as last time. I couldn't imagine James going through something like that again, especially for so long. It had been hours. I couldn't imagine what that would be like if the tremor really was from some unseen pain.

Finally, just after five in the morning, I had to face that there was nothing I could do. I went to Nevaeh and Jordan's rooms, I told myself I would just let them go in and see him, but I knew I was waking them so they could say their goodbyes and blessings. Darkling's weren't expected to mourn death like Humans, and saying goodbye would probably seem silly to some Clans, but it just felt right for James, for the man who had pulled me back from the edge. The man who had taken Nevaeh in when she was alone in the world, and trained Ambriel when she had nothing to offer us in return. The man who was the foundation of our Clan, our family, who had always given himself completely to us, to being a good leader, to trying to be a good person despite his nature, despite his past.

It just seemed right to say goodbye to the man I thought of as my brother. I had already said my goodbye in a way. I already felt the numbness setting in, like it had after Ambriel. I was all too familiar with loss.

Nevaeh croaked at me through her closed door that she would be out in a minute once she was presentable, but I was too worn out to even be mad at her selfish, vain response. I knocked on Jordan's door, but didn't get a reply. I peeked in her room to see the slight outline of a person curled up in a ball under the covers. It was heartbreaking.

Jordan put up as tough a front as James did, and yet there she was, hiding under the covers like a child. I almost let her stay, it had probably taken her hours to get to sleep, but just as I was about to duck my head out, something caught my eye, a small tremble coming from the mound of blankets, as if she was cold and shivering. I swiftly walked into the room and touched the pile of sheets. She was shaking. I threw the covers back and saw the same peaceful look, the same slow breathing, and the same terrible tremble that James had. After a moment of disbelief, I shook her, probably rougher than necessary, but she didn't wake. I scooped her into my arms and ran to the infirmary.

» ✦ «

I woke to Kael tapping on my door, even the sound of his light knock sounded defeated. So this was it, James was dying, leaving us just like that. What a selfish, arrogant bastard. He put himself in danger, thinking he was unbreakable, and now look what he had done, went and got himself killed. Kael and I couldn't be a Clan of two! And I certainly wasn't keeping that conceited, stubborn, annoyingly 'talented' baby-Darkling around. Kael and I would have to join another Clan, and be bottom rung. I hated being beneath others, at least with James I could bear it because I respected him. He was a good leader, someone I was willing to follow.

Damn it, now I would never have him either. Damn him. Damn him for leaving me...and Kael.

That thought hit me like a tidal wave. Kael had been through so much in the past year and a half. When he lost Ambriel I thought it would kill him, and now this. He wouldn't survive. I was going to lose my partner. I was going to lose everything for the third time in my life. First my parents, then my sister, now my Clan and partner. Damn it.

James should have been more careful, he knew how important he was to us, but he didn't care. He didn't care about his own life and transitively, that meant he had never cared about us either. Arrogant little piece of shit, he never took anything seriously. Life was just a game to him and he honestly didn't care if he won or lost. Well now he had lost, and he was going to take the rest of us down with him.

I slid out of my plush bed and wrapped myself up in my silk nightgown before stalking down the hallway towards where I assumed James would be taking his final breaths. I turned the corner into the injury wing and froze.

» ✦ «

My world was on fire. I felt my skin melting, my blood boiling, needles stabbed every inch of me and my head felt under more pressure than seemed possible. I felt my bones snapping and pulling from their sockets, ligaments stretching, tearing, muscles twisting and ripping. I heard piercing screeches that I was sure would make me deaf but that was the least of my worries.

I was going to die, I was already so close and with every second of my excruciating torture, my will to hang onto life weakened. I began to feel cold, not the cold of the Earth, this was a complete, black cold that seemed to leach my life as it crawled up my legs. This was death. I had always imagined it to be cold. I thought of fire as life, burning bright just to burn itself out one day and become cold ash.

I couldn't believe this was my time, I couldn't believe I was so weak that pain and poison from some Lesser Demon could rip me from the world. I thought of my Clan. Nevaeh would be furious with me for leaving, she would blame me as if I had done this on purpose just to hurt her, everything was always about her in her mind. Kael would survive for a little while, but I could only guess at how long he would continue our old life before he relapsed and began killing unchecked again, a year? Two? It would start slow, but it would build, and then his guilt would set in, then his self-loathing. I knew he would join me soon in whatever afterlife awaited us.

A wave of guilt ran over me and I almost welcomed the cold shadow that was crawling up my chest, at least it chased away the pain, at least once I was gone I wouldn't be able to destroy anyone anymore. It was my curse, everyone I cared for I destroyed. I was the real poison. I should have taken my own life before it was too late, like I had tried to convince Jordan to do, like she had done. She had the strength to do it, yet I somehow convinced myself that I wasn't all bad. I made myself believe the delusion that I could overcome my training, my past, that I was strong enough, but even when I tried, the world still found a way for me to curse the very people I tried to save. Just like my first partner. At least Kael would be the last victim of my noxious existence, the final tragedy of my life...

And then I remembered Jordan, how could I forget her? Her wide eyes, as stormy as the cloud's gray color they mimicked, the slight smile she almost always wore when she was lost in her own mind. The way her body moved in small ways that seemed beautiful to me. The tilt of her head, the roll of her shoulders, the way she flexed her fingers at her side when she was listening, observing, the curve of her neck. Her protective nature and loyalty, her fight and determination that would be admirable if it was even halved. The way she always held my eyes for longer than anyone else I had ever known, sometimes with a curious look, sometimes sad, and sometimes just a look, free of any underlying agenda. It was amazing to just be seen.

Even her defiant nature that shined through in everything she did, the way her chest rose and fell as she used her Sign to calm herself, pulling power from the very air she breathed. How could I forget the woman who was my True Pair, my perfect fit? How wonderful and rare it was to have a true partner, and now I was leaving her too, before we had even begun.

Kael wouldn't be the last to be destroyed by my death, she would be. She was strong, I knew that, but could she weather this? How strong was our bond after such a short time? She would never be as powerful as she could have been, but maybe she wouldn't be completely destroyed, maybe I hadn't been around long enough to have an irreversible effect. Maybe she still had hope. Maybe my poison hadn't set in yet. But then I remembered sharing my blood, cutting my wrist and giving it to her lethal wound. I had linked us then, bonded our blood for life, bonded our bodies. She wouldn't survive my death. She would slowly wither away, lose her mind without her other half. The mere thought broke my heart.

Her face came to my mind then, fiery determination in her stormy eyes, glaring at me to not give up, to hang on to life just a little longer, to grab it just a little tighter. And then there it was, something tugging at the pain, something pulling the cold death away from me. I pushed and with the help of the ghostly pull, I felt it receding. The pain almost became bearable, the chill slunk down my legs in a reverse of its earlier climb. And the dark waters I had been buried in started shallowing...

» ✦ «

I stopped dead in my tracks in the doorway of our home hospital. There was Nevaeh, sitting on the edge of one of the beds, looking bored, and then there was James, eyes open, looking very much alive.

He sat with his legs over the side of the bed, his bare feet on the floor, his elbows on his knees cradling his head, hair hanging in his face. His coloring was normal again, and though there was still a sheen of sweat on his chest and shoulders, the bandage where I had tried to patch up the wound looked to be healing, my efforts finally working.

James looked up with a look of slight confusion, but mainly childish victory on his face, his lopsided grin cocky as ever, as if to say 'see, I told you I couldn't die'. I wanted to hit him and hug him at the same time. But then his eyes dropped to the unconscious bundle in my arms and his face changed, he leapt off the bed, winced, and continued toward me, steadying himself on the foot of the bed.

"What happened?" He demanded. He didn't sound like his usual cool, calm, collected self, in fact, his rushed words and anxious face looked rather un-James-like.

"I don't know, I went in her room to wake her to...wait, what happened to you? How are you awake? How are you aliv...I thought you were...Nevaeh, you..." I didn't even know where to start and my stammering was beginning to make me sound mental. I restarted.

"She was unconscious and shaking when I went in her room, I grabbed her and came here and then...well, then I saw you and we had this conversation."

James looked about as baffled as I felt, and it was strange to see such an open emotion on his face. It almost seemed like the real James had been replaced with a normal person. The shock on his face quickly morphed into a moment of raw pain, then fear, then he seemed to control himself.

"She's shaking," he stated in a serious tone, his face a stony mask, the old James back. "Was I?"

"In the exact same way," I said somberly, my fears from earlier seeming to rematerialize.

» ✦ «

Kael laid Jordan in the bed next to the one I had been in, I pulled up a chair. My brother tried to help her, but I knew what it was that had her, the same thing that had had me. I told him to leave, nothing he could do would make a difference anyway. Nothing had for me, nothing until Jordan had somehow pulled it into herself. Could True Pairs do that? Could I take it back from her?

Kael left at my order. Nevaeh had already stormed off once she noticed everyone was getting more attention than her, she didn't care what happened to Jordan anyway. Sometimes I wondered how someone could be so vile, so terrible, yet not be dark. She was the worst 'good' Darkling I had ever known.

I closed the door behind Kael and sat next to Jordan, I tried to focus on her and her alone. I tried to find some supernatural hold on her, something I could try to rip from her, some way I could take back the death she had taken from me, but there was nothing. No presence, no power, no anchor, nothing. I held her burning hand as she lay trembling on the bed, and I just sat, useless.

Something caught my eye on Jordan's face and I felt my stomach constrict; a tear. She was crying. A small sparkling tear fell from her gently closed eye, cutting a little stream down her cheek, I caught it and gently brushed it away. I felt a wave of emotions beating at my walls, but now was not the time to feel, to break, now was the time to be strong. I built up my blocks, my armor, all the tricks I knew to bury my emotions. Later, I would let it out. Later, I would feel it all. That the only person I needed in this life had died for me, taken my place. Later, I would torture myself, I would welcome the pain...but not now.

Jordan had taken this for me to save the Clan. She had done something so selfless it wouldn't be right to mourn it. To weaken myself with the burden of emotions. The only way I could repay her was to make my life worth her sacrifice, to make it worth her death. I clasped her hand in mine and laid my head on the edge of the bed. I was exhausted. I was worn down further than I could ever remember feeling and I welcomed unconsciousness, a break from life, from pain, from thinking, from everything. Almost as peaceful as death.

» ✦ «

There were whispers in my head, a whole chorus of them, little voices that hissed and snarled at each other. I don't know when they started, but soon they grew and were impossible to ignore.

No! She's not the one. What do we do? Can we take her? No, he'll be angry with us. She took us, stole us, but how? The Collector will be angry. We lost it. Where did it go? How did it escape? He doesn't want her broken. He doesn't want her like this. How did it get away? Where did it go? I don't know, I had my claws in. It shouldn't have been able to escape. Master will be so angry when he hears we failed. What do we do? I don't know. Do we let her go? We have to, we can't keep her. Only him, Master will be mad if we take the girl. He wants her whole. He doesn't want to mend her. Master will be so angry with us...we have to let her go, we have to...

I pulled in a glorious breath, gasping the cool, fresh air of the world. I had never tasted air so divine, so clear and crisp, so real. It filled my lungs and it was amazing. The place I had been was stale and dark, but this air was light and new and everything good about the world. I gasped in a second breath as I became aware of my surroundings.

The first thing I saw was James' face, pure unadulterated shock on it as if I was a ghost. I smiled at him but his face didn't change, he continued to stare at me with the same disbelieving look on his pretty face. He was leaning forward, his forearms on my bed and his head hovering just above his clasped hands. His face had a look of confusion on his furrowed brow, a look of disbelief in his eyes with suspicion in their corners.

I tried to sit up, but wisps of my experience still clung to me and the phantom pain made me stop halfway and lay back again. James continued to stare. He leaned back in his chair, still staring. His eyes shifted away for a moment to the end of the bed, as if he was looking for an answer in his mind, then his eyes came back. He opened his mouth, closed it and crossed his arms over his chest, still staring in silence. It was strange.

"You're alive," I said, confused on what exactly had happened, what was currently happening and how I should handle James' odd behavior. "Unless we're both dead?"

James swiftly stood and was out the rolling doors within two seconds. Now it was my turn to stare mutely. My mimic was short lived though, as ten seconds later Kael strode through the doors, followed by James, who was almost dragging a disgruntled Nevaeh behind him by a firm grip on her upper arm. He closed the doors behind them.

"Sit," he said to Nevaeh, as if he was training a puppy.

She sat on the edge of the bed obediently and crossed her arms over her chest with a pout. Then James turned his attention to me.

"Who are you?" James' voice sounded guarded, suspicious, and to be honest, confusion was setting in on me and I was beginning to get frustrated.

"I'm Jordan, nice to meet you, again." I said with a little too much bite. I continued. "Better question; how are you awake? Alive? Last thing I remember you were a hair away from Hell and now you're fine? I was in my room, I fell asleep and then...I'm here now, and so are you. So how about you answer my questions before you ask any more stupid ones?"

By now I glanced around the room to notice Kael looking as baffled as I had ever seen him. His mouth was actually hanging open and his eyes kept flicking between James and me as if he wasn't sure which of our miraculous recoveries was more interesting.

"I woke up, that's about all I know. I was poisoned by the Serpentine and then...it was gone." James still sounded guarded and it hurt a little bit. Was he going to act like the alley, the street curb, had never happened?

I wasn't sure what had happened to me, it was all just a fog, but I remembered the pain. All my memories swirled into a dream state, something I couldn't grab at, couldn't hold for long enough to remember, but I knew I had been close to death. Did he know that? Did he care? James spoke and pulled me from my thoughts like he so often did.

"I woke up and then Kael came in carrying you, he said you were asleep and he couldn't wake you. You had similar symptoms to me. I uh, I watched over you for a little while and then you...you just woke up, just now."

It was strange to hear James stammer, he was never lacking in cool, collected, usually demeaning words, but something seemed off about him now. He glanced to the ground once during his explanation too, another action that was distinctly unlike him.

"Well, I woke up just like you did. So, I guess the poison wore off, maybe I somehow had some in me too. It probably just wasn't strong enough to do much more than make us lose consciousness, that's all. Simple solution."

Wrong. I knew what I had just said was a lie, and if James and I had truly had the same symptoms, the same poison, then he would know I was lying too. I prayed he would get my story and run with it though. I wanted to talk to him, but I didn't know how much the others should know.

James stared at me for a moment longer before nodding slowly as if he was deeply considering my words. He was a good actor.

"I guess so. No harm done then, sorry for the scare."

He turned to Kael with his signature amused look on his face, amused, like this had all been a joke to him. One corner of his perfect mouth turned up into a cocky smirk.

"Hope I didn't ruin your night, brother."

Nevaeh made a noise like a frustrated scream while keeping her mouth closed, giving it a muffled sound and stormed out of the room, presumably to get what was left of her beauty sleep. Kael just stared at James, his mouth closed now before shaking his head, black hair swaying before his eyes, and walked out, swearing vehemently under his breath.

James watched him go and his face changed slightly, it was almost imperceptible, but his cocky look was only a cover and I suddenly found it easy to see underneath to the profound sadness. James turned to me and that hidden sadness intensified.

If I looked at all of him, his powerful stance with his feet far apart and his shoulders back, chest out and his arrogant smile, the slight squint of his eyes that made them look teasing and entertained, it was easy to miss the sadness. But if I just looked into his eyes, they betrayed him completely. He had certainly put a lot of effort into his posture, his default mask. He was quite convincing.

"Where did the poison take you?" He asked me seriously, though his face was still set in a cocky, carefree pose.

"What do you mean. I was only asleep."

I tried my best to lie convincingly, one of my many talents that seemed to fail in James' presence. That's when I noticed it, his presence, there was no fire, nothing at all.

"You're blocking me? Why? I thought it wasn't worth the energy...and you don't look like you have much to spare."

It was true, James looked exhausted, another well-hidden fact that I was suddenly finding easy to see.

"Because, I want to know some things before you slink around in my thoughts." The suspicion was back in his voice, in his eyes.

"You still don't trust me? I took the poison from you. I know I did, you know it too. It's the only explanation. It was excruciating, it was more pain than I ever even imagined could exist and I took it for you, I took death for you. I was willing to die and you still don't trust me. You have a serious problem." I said angrily.

"How do you know you took it? How do you possibly have that power? It's not a True Pair thing, I know because I tried to take it back and I couldn't. So how could you? How could you possibly pull it from me like that? I felt you there, when I was...I was almost gone and then I felt something pulling, that was you, but how?"

James looked half-angry, half-confused and it reminded me of a child becoming frustrated by a riddle they couldn't figure out, a game they couldn't win.

"I prayed."

This got James' full attention and his brow furrowed as he looked at me hard.

"I begged whatever was out there, Angels, gods, whatever, to let me take it from you, to trade places with you."

I made the split-second decision to not tell the real reason why. I couldn't even imagine my embarrassment if he knew my irrational obsession with him. I hadn't figured out my own emotions and I'd be damned if he knew about my feelings before I fully did. Besides, his moods were consistently inconsistent and I wasn't sure of how he would react if I came clean. Most likely he would never speak to me again, become more of a ghost than ever. Most likely he would try his hardest to avoid me and that was something I couldn't risk.

"I knew the Clan would fall apart without you, but I'm new, I'm not even a real member yet. I mean nothing to the Clan so I made the executive decision to take one for the team, so to speak." I said the lie as casually as I could, hoping that for once he wouldn't be able to see through it.

James stared at me indecipherably, standing completely still, as if he wasn't even alive, as if he was just a statue of the real James, made to commemorate him after his death. Then he spoke.

"You were going to die in order to give the Clan their leader back, the leader you just met, the Clan you barely know, the Clan you just said yourself you aren't really a part of. You were going to give up this new life you just discovered you had...to help strangers. People you didn't even know two weeks ago?"

He paused before he continued, as if he was trying to wrap his head around the situation.

"You took the poison...because you thought you should 'take one for the team'?" He sounded unconvinced now, as if he couldn't even imagine someone willingly acting in such a way.

I nodded, not trusting my voice in the current situation, worried I had been caught.

James spoke again, but his voice was so low, so quiet, I almost missed what he said.

"You...are a fool, a stupid, illogical, irrational little girl. And if this is how your mind works, your judgement, you'll be utterly useless to this Clan. You are too weak, weak and emotional and foolish. Too Human. It's pathetic."

I stared at him in stunned silence for a moment before I comprehended what he had just said.

"Wait, what? No 'thanks', no 'good job looking out for the Clan'? All I get are insults? Really?"

By now his words had fully sunk in. What was he thinking? I had just saved him, twice in one night, and he wasn't even grateful? I couldn't believe my ears. How could he act like this? How could he say that? He was a smart man, he had some speck of intelligence, and yet he was acting like my loyalty was a curse.

He was acting like the villain, like any good work was blasphemous and I should be ashamed of it. I knew he would have acted the same, given his own life to save any member of his Clan, or I had thought that was who he was, what he would do, but maybe I only wanted him to be that, to be the hero. Maybe I had blinded myself with delusions because I wanted to believe in them.

"You, you are such an ungrateful...I, I don't even know the word - child, that's it! You are such an ungrateful, sad, pitiful, little child!"

I was screaming now and for the first time in my life I couldn't control it, I didn't even want to. I couldn't believe James was saying this. I couldn't believe my pair was saying this. I guess none of our previous talks, none of the glimpses of a true connection...I guess none of that had been real.

He was just a selfish, broken man who couldn't even fathom doing something for someone just because it was the right thing to do, just because they had a heart. He didn't deserve my love, and I would do everything in my power to stop feeling it. He would never return it anyway, like he had said, people like him didn't love. People like him weren't even capable of it.

"I'm sorry I even saved you. Go to hell!" I spat with as much venom as I could muster before storming from the infirmary.

» ✦ «

My plan went about as expected, Kael was disgusted with me, Jordan despised me, Nevaeh was just as horrid as usual. Perfect, the world hated me, and the sun rises in the East.

I sat in the infirmary for a long time after Jordan left, after she had made her feelings quite clear. If only she knew how much I sometimes wished I really could just go there. If only she knew how often I felt like I already was. But I couldn't give up, I knew that, just as the last few hours had proven. I was vital to the Clan. If I left, if I died, the others would fall apart. They were the sole reasons I kept living, the only ties I had that bound me to my life, the only thread stopping my apathy-covered self-loathing from taking over.

I was sickened with myself, Jordan had laid down her life for me and I had thrown the gift back in her face. But what choice did I have? If she was willing to die for me then I had a larger problem on my hands than her anger. You don't sacrifice yourself for someone you don't care about, and I knew from experience that caring about me was the worst decision, the surest path to destruction. I had had my worries that she was growing too fond of me and I had worked extremely hard to kill those feelings in her as often as I had the willpower to.

I had been cruel to her on a multitude of occasions since her arrival just a short time ago...but then there had been other times, only a couple, but they were still there. There had been some times when I just couldn't resist the pull of her. I didn't have the discipline, the strength, to stay away, to push her away. Now, I realized that if I truly cared about the future of the Clan, if I truly cared about Jordan at all, I had to stop with the inconsistencies, stop with the guilty pleasures, of how I wanted to be, for her at least.

I had to be her leader, nothing more. Not her friend, not her True Pair, not anything more. I would rather have her hate me than love me. I almost laughed at the thought, Jordan loving me, what an awful, miserable joke that was.

» ✦ «

I laid in bed staring at the ceiling, fantasizing about kicking James in the teeth, bashing his head into a brick wall, punching him in the throat, and a whole slew of lower things that would surely be unpleasant for him. My mind was so full of hurt and anger I couldn't even begin to try and find reasons for his actions. I just didn't care why he said what he had, why he acted so horrible so often. I just didn't care anymore.

Regardless of his reasons, I was tired of it. He wanted to push me away, he wanted to be alone in his self-destructive ways? Fine. He was just a terrified little man who froze at the thought of someone caring about him. He was a selfish, arrogant child who had never been taught how to care about anyone, how to give or accept love, how to truly be with anyone. He wasn't even a real person, just the pretty, empty shell of one.

It's hard to see the broken pieces past such a pretty face.

The words of the Fallen drifted through my mind.

Well fine, if James wanted to push me away he could, I wouldn't fight it anymore. I had too much dignity to try and force my love on someone who didn't want it. I gave up, he won. I wanted nothing to do with him outside of being a fellow Clan member. So much for enjoying challenges, I thought to myself bitterly. I didn't want him as my True Pair, I didn't even want him as my partner, but that was unavoidable. The best I could do was grin and bear it, pretend he was just another person who I had no additional feelings for, positive or negative. I would act like nothing had happened. I would act like he was no one to me, just another person, just another man. I could do that.

The opposite of love isn't hate, its indifference, and that's what I would give him - no emotions, none at all. And eventually, it would be true, eventually, I really would feel nothing for him. Fake it till you make it. I always had been good at faking it.

One thing was for certain now at least, I didn't have to debate on whether I could or couldn't tell James about the dark haired Fallen, my prophesies or dreams or any of the other strange things happening. I wouldn't tell him anything. How could I trust him with information like that? Information he could use against me. No, I would make my decisions on my own. He was no longer on my side, if he ever had been. My life was mine alone, and I would choose what paths I walked, I didn't need his input anyway. Now I just had to find out what my own choice would be. I pulled one of the slim black books Kael had given me to journal in and began to write. I wrote every option I could think of.

Something fuzzy lingered in my mind, a message I had heard, a glimpse through the pain, the poison, but it was impossible to grasp, to fully remember. I felt like all of these instances and experiences were somehow connected, from the moment I met the Clan even, but I couldn't put them together. I had the eerie feeling that this was all the same game, the same battle, just on different fronts. Had the voices, the poison, been from the Fallen? Had he spared me?

The Collector.

The memory of his name sent a shiver down my back, one that stayed buried in my spine, tingling, unnerving me.

I would just have to wait to see what would come to pass. I would keep my options open and choose whatever was best for me in the end. James had made it painfully clear that looking out for anyone besides yourself was stupid. Being a team player didn't seem to be held in high regard here, so be it, I would play their game by their rules...and I would still win.

Some part of me, deep down beneath my loyalty to the Clan, beneath my involuntary feelings of belonging, had the itch of being drawn to the dark man, to his power, to his promises. I wasn't sure if it was my nature trying to pull me down the wrong path, or my gut pointing me in the right direction. There were so many times James and the others had talked about our nature as something we had to fight against...but then James had also said our power came from our dark, our nature...he had said our power was our darkness. He could never just give a straight damn answer.

Even deeper than my thoughts of Ambriel's killer was a little voice in my mind. A little voice planting seeds, seeds I tried to ignore. The voice said I wasn't a good person. I had always known that, and yet now, once I had proof of how broken I was, I was trying to fight it more than ever...but for what? I wasn't good, I never would be, not really at least...why pretend? Why even worry about my actions? It's not like I had a conscience, like I was trying to avoid guilt. I had no guilt. I had no soul. If I was born evil, maybe I should consider the option of just living the way I was meant to live, living the way I was created.

Did the lyrics at the beginning make your heart stutter a little? Don't be so dramatic, and certainly don't take everything so literally, where's the mystery in that? Where's the skill? The storytelling? Oh no, I won't give you such an easy warning as that.

But then again, not all death is the loss of physical life...I mean, didn't something die in this chapter? I believe so.

How about the rapid-fire perspective changes? Did it go smoothly? Could you easily understand who was when? I hope it was clear by the end.