Skies are falling tonight, as you run and hide. Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust.
We all fall down.

In This Moment - Ashes

I walked into the kitchen to see Kael and Nevaeh bustling about, getting food and plates and cups ready. The breakfast bar only had three places set but the last thing I wanted to talk about was James. His behavior in our last encounter still made my teeth grind and I was starting to get a sore jaw from all the frustration he put me through. Nevaeh was in an unusually good mood, a small smile on her face that only looked slightly haughty. However, Kael was clearly sour, my suspicion that he was upset from his breakfast-call confirmed.

I walked in just as Nevaeh said something apparently hilarious and mussed Kael's already messy hair, laughing loudly. Kael ducked away but otherwise ignored her playfulness. Seeing him without even the hint of a smile on his face made him look ominous and a little frightening. I could only imagine how he must have been before he joined James. A small shudder ran up my spine.

I slid onto one of the barstools and attempted a smile at Kael. One corner of his mouth curled up in response but it looked forced.

"So what's the plan today? More training? Target practice? Taking down large, wild game with our teeth?"

I was surprised when Nev smiled at my joke, kind of, and a small part of me started to feel like today might be a good one, even though my sleep and first social contact had been seriously wanting. I glanced to Kael, but he seemed to have not heard me. Nev spoke as she saw me look to her partner.

"Don't even bother with him, he's grumpy because James is going through one of his distant phases." She made a face as she mocked James' behavior before continuing. "He likes to do things on his own a lot, but lately it's been a little more than usual and Kael is being a baby about being left out."

"I'm not mad he left me out, I'm just worried about him. I have a bad feeling. This is too big of an opponent for him to go after alone. I mean a Half, maybe even more? He's getting too involved, arrogant, and he's going to get himself killed. He's not immortal, you know, no matter how much he acts like it. He can die just like any of us, just like Ambriel."

Kael finished a little quieter and I knew that was his real fear, that he would lose James just like he had lost Ambriel. First his love and then his brother. That would be too much.

"I'm sure he's fine," Nevaeh said dismissively with a wave of the spatula she was using to make an enormous omelet. A small piece of green pepper detached itself from her wand and flew to the floor where she glared at it as if she thought her look alone had the power to put it back in its proper place.

"Yeah, I mean he was fine this morning when I saw him, if not a complete asshole, but he was a living asshole." I said, trying to both agree with Nev and keep her happy while still reassuring Kael.

Kael turned to me with an odd look on his face.

"You saw him this morning?"

"Well, I couldn't sleep an..."

Nev let out an uncharacteristically dorky snort before cutting me off.

"You couldn't sleep? You screamed so loud III almost couldn't get back to sleep."

I pretended to not hear her mocking tone as I continued.

"For whatever reason...I couldn't sleep and started looking through the Book of Dust, I saw the words and decided to go tell James. He wasn't in his room at first, but then he came stumbling in all torn up. He said it was from a bar fight, but he was lying, so I left. He was acting like a tool."

I toned down the language I wanted to use to describe his behavior. I didn't want them to know just how much James got under my skin.

"It wasn't a Fallen though, I know he wasn't fighting anything like that...I just, I don't know, I just know." I realized I had no idea how I knew it wasn't a Fallen or a Half or anything else like that that he had been fighting. I didn't think it was a Darkling at all actually, but I couldn't articulate why.

Kael bit his lip before cracking his neck in what seemed possibly a menacing way.

"Damnit! See Nev, he was already out all night, got fucked up and then what? Headed back out for a second round? With no backup? What a little shit."

"He wasn't that hurt, I mean he was shot...but just in his leg." I hurried to add at the look of frustrated disbelief Kael gave me.

"He just pulled it out and cleaned it, so it couldn't have been that bad. He had some deep marks on his shoulder though...if that helps give any idea of where he had been." I paused for a moment, wishing I wasn't the only person who had seen him and had information on what he might be doing.

"He said the other guys looked worse? So maybe he didn't completely lose?"

Kael rolled his eyes at this in an uncharacteristically ill-tempered way.

"Of course he didn't lose. He never loses...but that doesn't mean he should run around all night acting like a demi-god. If he gets caught off guard or too outnumbered or if there's a Greater Demon out there waiting for him, if there's a Half," Kael pointed towards the front door for emphasis, "it won't matter that he's a good fighter, it won't matter that he can make little fireballs or see glimpses of the future, he'll still get ripped apart or shot through the head or something else even he can't come back from. All because he doesn't want us out there, because he wants to do it on his own. There's a reason we're a Clan!" Kael ended in a frustrated yell.

The passage on quads and Pairs came to the front of my memory but I didn't think now was the best time to talk about it.

"Well, why don't we go find him then? Why sit at home and whine about it? I mean if you want to join him and watch his back...why not go do it? He's your leader, not a dictator, you don't have to sit at home and twiddle your thumbs just because he tells you to stay. We aren't his pets."

Kael looked at me as if I had suggested we all fly unicorns over the city that afternoon instead of train. Nev spoke to fill her mute partner's silence.

"James doesn't take well to disobedience. We respect his decisions because he's our leader."

I raised my eyebrows at her, the stubborn, defiant part of me refusing to give up so easily.

"And I don't take well to being told what to do." I looked back to Kael evenly as I continued. "I don't know about you, but if he isn't back by dark, I'm going out and finding him."

This seemed to end the conversation and the kitchen fell silent. Nev finished the eggs and Kael set out fruit and bread. Even with half the members in a sour mood, the scene in front of me still made me jealous. They were a real family, comfortable around each other, even with their strange quirks and mercurial moods.

Kael would lift a plate to avoid colliding with Nev, Nev would toss him a cutting board before he asked. They were just as in sync here as in a fight, maybe that's what happened when you spent every waking moment with another person. Jealousy slunk through me again. I wanted to be truly known, understood...cared about like that. If no one cares about you, do you even really exist at all? It had been so long since I had actually had someone close to me, someone I felt close to as well. I wasn't even sure I knew what it felt like.

I was pulled from my thoughts as Kael spoke up and relayed the training schedule for the day. He kept making little comments like 'if James shows up then he'll work with knives' or 'unless James ditches, he'll work with the Book of Dust some more with you'. I began to wonder if I had overestimated Kael's ability to hide his emotions, since it seemed all he could do now was burst with them.

After breakfast I went through close to the same regimen as the day before, except for the fact that a sulky Kael subbed for the sections James had taught a day earlier. All the physical training went well enough, from sparring with Kael to working on rapid archery with Nevaeh, but anything that required attention or concentration was rocky at best. No matter how I tried, I couldn't get James out of my head. I was worried and the emotion didn't sit well in me. Luckily, Kael seemed just as distracted and didn't get on my case to focus like James would have.

Halfway through the afternoon, a pounding migraine began drumming at my right temple, making it even more difficult to stay on task. A particularly sharp beat of pain ripped through my head and I gingerly touched my temple, squeezing my eyes shut to try to block out the pain with the light. When I opened my eyes, Kael was watching me, his dark, curved eyes were almost as indecipherable as James'.

We were sitting out in the woods, him cross-legged a few feet in front of me. We had been trying to reach my Sign for close to an hour, but every time I closed my eyes and tried to focus all I saw was James' face. A sneer on his lips or that amused little smirk, but most often I just saw his eyes, watching me, haunting me. Kael looked at me a moment longer, almost as expressionless as James, before he sighed and began to stand.

"Let's call it a day...and don't stress too much, you'll find your Sign, don't worry."

I was glad Kael thought my headache was attributed to my Sign's elusivity and not James' absence, which would have been my guess. We walked back to the house in silence, Kael with a stony look on his face. Just as the large shape of the house became visible through the trees he spoke.

"You know you've already died twice being with us, or come pretty damn close...are you sure you want this? How long do you really expect to survive?"

I watched him as we walked, but he refused to look back.

"You think I'll die in the first real fight I get into?"

Even with my Gift off I knew that was what he expected.

"I just have a feeling I'll have to bury another Clan member soon," he replied woodenly, still without meeting my eyes.

"Well, I'm glad it's you having these feelings and not the one with visions." I said nonchalantly, trying to not let on the chilled feeling in my stomach.

Kael stopped and turned to me finally.

"I'm serious, are you really willing to find out who you are, what you are, just so you can throw it away living the life of a soldier? What do you think will happen when you're in a real fight with us and we're too busy to watch your back? When James can't rush over and heal you before you bleed out or some Demon takes your heart? There are other Clans, you know, ones who aren't always on the front, ones who never even see combat, or at least not like us. Hell, choose any city and clean it up, you don't have to fight demons to hunt evil, it's all around us."

The intensity in Kael's words were reflected on his face and I realized I didn't have an answer.

"You can leave now, still, and it won't make an enemy of me, I'd understand." He continued, sounding almost like he was pleading with me.

I paused for a moment, looking down at the ground before I realized there really was no choice. I reached out and laid a hand on Kael's arm, an uncharacteristically sentimental gesture for me.

"Kael, I'm not leaving, you were once new to all this and you survived, James too. I'm not Ambriel, you have to understand that." I finished in a gentle voice, not sure if bringing up the last member of the Clan was a good idea or not.

Kael said nothing for a few seconds and I began to wonder if I had said the wrong thing, then his indecipherable mask broke and he looked to be debating answering one of two ways.

Finally, he spoke.

"I know you're not her...but she was better than you and that still wasn't good enough."

"Then I'll work harder."

I started toward the house once more and after a moment's pause I heard Kael follow. At the foot of the porch steps, Kael stopped and lit a cigarette, inhaling deeply before blowing the white smoke above his head.

"And you're worried about me dying?" I teased as I stood next to him. He gave a weak smile, the cigarette still between his lips.

"Well, if I'm done training, then I'm going for a run."

Kael shot me a look clearly meant to be dubious before I continued.

"I'm not going to the city...yet. I'll come back, just going for an innocent little run through your woods. Scout's honor." I held up two fingers in mock imitation of the Boy Scout sign.

Kael gave a little shrug and mumbled his agreement before continuing to smoke, staring up over the tree line.

Almost an hour later I had run most of the clearly marked, shorter trails and doubled back. I wasn't the best with directions, but unless I was terribly mistaken, I was expecting to emerge from the forest just to the right of the white-rock garden.

I'd wanted to return ever since my first visit but hadn't found the time or privacy. For some reason I liked the idea of being alone there and I didn't really want the others watching me in my newest hideout. I figured I needed to find a new secret place, since my old had been both invaded and divulged.

I smiled as I walked towards the pond, once again satisfied that the life I had always dreamed of was finally mine. Even if it killed me, it was worth it. That's what Kael didn't understand, death seemed a fair price for a life I actually wanted to live. I leaned against the same stone as before and tried to clear my mind. Even as I had run, James wouldn't stay out of my head and I was beginning to get angry with myself. What was wrong with me? So much had happened in the last few days I was beginning to not be able to keep it all straight.

I tried to make a mental list; one, yell at James for being such a prick, two, chew him out for trying to work this 'project' alone and remind him that Kael was his brother, three, ask about True Pairs, four...figure out what to do about the visions, or prophecies or whatever they were, five, figure out what the Fallen wanted with me, or if he was even real, maybe I was just going crazy. Compared to the alternative, that he was real, going insane almost looked like the more realistic option. If he was real though, then I had to decide where my loyalties really fell. The feelings of power I had felt in the trance, the promise of immortality, the ecstasy of his presence, a shiver of pleasure ran up my back as I remembered the encounter...

I flung the thought from my mind as soon as I realized it. Fallen were the worst creatures the world held, and I would never join one, ever. But even if I didn't admit it to myself, there was still a pull, a desire to hear his voice again, to see him. I wished I trusted James more so I could confide in him. Sometimes I felt like I could, but I had a strong feeling that telling him I was seeing and hearing things in the woods, that I dreamed of killing him and especially that the Fallen responsible for Ambriel's murder might be trying to recruit me, were bad ideas.

I turned the problems over in my mind, trying to come at them from new angles, hoping for an answer to present itself. I could tell Kael everything, but that would be the same as telling James. Kael was too loyal to keep information like this from him. If I really was the True Pair of James, and he could tell me more about what that actually meant, then maybe I'd tell him some of the secrets I'd been keeping. Maybe.

I stared out at the pond's still water. The calm surface looked mocking compared to how unsettled I felt. I stood up in disgust, kicking at a clump of grass as I turned from the glassy pool, making my way back to the house. The sun was dipping low and I had a mixture of excitement and dread swimming in my stomach. If James wasn't back when I got home, I would change into street clothes and search him out, just like I had said I would. I missed the city and was itching to go to it, but Kael's warning of my own mortality was still in the forefront of my mind and I felt a small measure of fear at the idea of going into the city alone.

What if he was right? What if Kael's burial fears were true and he would be losing another soon. Out of the other Clan members, it was certainly looking most likely that the death would be my own. I pushed the thought from my mind. Living a cowardly life just so you could safely arrive to death in the end anyway hardly seemed like a life at all. I would accept whatever came to me, just like I had my entire life.

I had an odd combination of butterflies and knots in my stomach. I still had my headache from earlier but it was much slighter after my attempt at relaxing by the pond. My nerves couldn't decide if they wanted me to walk quickly with anticipation or slowly with anxiety to the house so I ended up alternating between the two speeds in an awkward trek across the grass.

I flipped my Gift on, now as natural as if I'd always known it was there, and took a deep breath as I walked in the front door. I was immediately both relieved and disappointed that I didn't feel James' electricity on my skin. He was either blocking me or still not back. Instead of investigating to check which it was I made the snap decision that I was going to the city regardless. I wanted to be back on the familiar streets and dare the danger to find me. I missed it and I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn't afraid of this life. My life.

Fifteen minutes later, after changing into a dark hoodie and low-slung baggy jeans, I was descending the stairs and heading for the door. Kael stepped out from the front sitting room and I almost expected him to try to stop me, but he just moved aside with a meaningful look.

"I'm not your parent, do whatever you want," he said in a tired voice as he pulled a cigarette from beneath his hair that he had tucked behind his ear.

"I'm just going to the city for a walk, if I find him, good, if not, oh well. I've gone for hundreds of walks there so stop with the morose face." I said sweetly, but he didn't change his serious look.

He finally shook his head slightly and stuck out his hand as if to give me something. He dropped a smooth, cold sphere in my hand, like a metal marble. A Call.

"Just in case you need help. You're never alone, not anymore." He gave me a weak smile, but his eyes looked sad, it made me nervous and I let a tendril of my Gift leak into his mind.

He was truly worried for me, it seemed like he had already accepted my death, like he was already mourning me. But all his worry and sadness for me was nothing compared to the underlying fear he had that James wasn't okay. He hadn't heard from him all day which wasn't normal, even when James was on one of his 'independent stints' as Kael thought of them. Yet he still felt it would be undermining James if he went out to find him. There was more there, but I had seen enough.

I gave Kael a serious look before speaking.

"You worry too much. He's fine, I know it."

"Stay out of my head," he replied a little sulkily.

I gave him a small smile and clapped a hand on his arm as I walked by. I almost thought he said something as I left, though it could have just been the last remnant of my Gift leaving his mind.

» ✦ «

I'd felt sick all day, though that wasn't really uncommon for me. The world often warned me when a tragedy was about to happen, or when a dramatic shift was coming. I had felt it the day we heard of the first murder in the city, the hour before James had come to the door carrying Ambriel's body, the day we went to ask Nevaeh to join us, the morning we walked into the store and first saw Jordan.

In fact, my sickness was why we had stopped at her store, I could tell I was about to be sick and her little convenience store was the closest place James had seen...and now I felt that same feeling, that same sickness. These feelings weren't a science, sometimes I felt them and nothing happened, or at least nothing I connected to my sickness, and sometimes things happened without the warning, but I had learned to listen anyway. It was my Sign, the Earth communicating with me, sending me hints of what was to come. I couldn't see the future like James, I didn't have prophecies or visions or anything close to as accurate, but I still knew things. Nature made sure of it. The world whispers to those who listen, and I knew today would be dark.

I was terrified that my sickness meant James was in trouble, that he had gotten into something too big even for him, but I had no way to check. I had tried his phone throughout the day, but it was dead or off. I tried to talk myself through my fears, tried to convince my mind that James shouldn't be underestimated, that he could take down anything the city had lurking in it, but things had been different lately, the murders, the gruesomeness of it all. The city was becoming more perilous, worse things seemed to be convening there. Something big was coming, I could feel it.

It wasn't until evening that I realized what my feelings really meant...Jordan. I sat across from her in the woods as she tried to reach a Sign that was still hidden from her, vainly trying to keep my own mind off of all the ways James could be in trouble in the city when suddenly it all made sense. Jordan had already essentially died twice with the Clan and if it weren't for James' and my healings, she would have died before her first week was up after Nevaeh overestimated her strength.

Even her fight with James would have killed her, should have killed her. I hadn't asked, but from her scar and the multitude of blood on her, I figured James must have given her a lot of his. Blood sharing solidified the bonds in Clans, and James and I had so often shared strength and blood I sometimes felt like he was more my pair than Nevaeh. Blood isn't given lightly, which meant Jordan had been close to death more times in her short stay with us than I had been in my first entire year with James. And she hadn't even left the safety of the grounds yet!

It wasn't James the world was warning me for, it was Jordan, I was sure of it. She had been distracted all day, probably by James' absence, but I didn't mention it. Instead, I called training off early, neither of us had our heads in the right place for meditation or self-searching anyways. I tried to talk to her about my fears, but she brushed them off just like James would have. They were so similar, it was eerie.

The sick pit in my stomach grew all day, until I couldn't even enjoy the food Nevaeh had made. She acted like she didn't mind, but I knew I had hurt her feelings. I stood in the front room after dinner, staring out at the yard, willing James to come back, for me to see his cocky gait as he strutted across the lawn to the door, but he didn't show. Jordan would leave soon, I knew she'd make good on her threat to go to the city and find him. I knew she wouldn't renege, she was too proud.

I sighed as I tried to prepare myself for another pyre. Jordan was great at what she did, she learned quick, she was smart and strong, but she had lived so long holding back, holding herself in. It was just too late to train her to embrace her instincts, she couldn't let go of what she had lived her whole life thinking she had to be.

Perfectly on cue, she came down the stairs looking strangely masculine. She had baggy-dude jeans on, a dark hoodie and skater sneakers, her hair was tied up behind her too, hidden. She looked almost worried when she saw me, like she thought I would try and stop her. It was cute, like she thought I was her big brother or something. I suppose I did think of her like that though, like family, already. It was amazing how quickly she had grown on me, maybe because in many ways she was the female version of James, and he was more of a brother to me than anyone else in this world. I loved James in the deepest form of the word, and maybe that had run over to Jordan as well. She was so similar to him, except green, still unsure, not as sharp and broken and cynical. It was impossible not to love her.

She was so new to this world. I still saw looks of wonder on her face at times, it made me feel protective of her, and proud whenever she overcame an obstacle. Everything about her either brought admiration or care to my mind. That would make tonight even harder. I knew I couldn't convince her to stay home, one of the downfalls of her being so similar to her partner, she was as stubborn as a mule, overconfident and reckless. And a whole slew of other things that would probably get them both killed.

Instead of even trying, I simply gave her a Call. I knew it wouldn't be any help. Maybe I was just torturing myself, making sure I would be able to hear her ask for help, when I knew I wouldn't be able to get to her in time. Maybe I was just making sure I would feel guilty for her death and be able to blame myself. I was good at that.

She told me I worried too much, just like James had a thousand times. And then she was leaving, and I was sure I would never see her living and breathing again.

"Niabe on ire has."

I spoke under my breath, pleading with any being listening, the Earth or Heaven or Hell. It didn't matter. Jordan looked at me for a moment, as if she had understood, but I knew she hadn't, she didn't know enough Spoken. Even I only knew the phrase because of James, who seemed to be near fluent in the forgotten tongue.

"Return to Heaven or here." I repeated to the empty entryway after she had left. I went up to the roof to smoke shortly after.

Two little deaths before even leaving home...can Jordan survive without the Clan's protection?

Historically speaking, it's not looking great for her. And what has James been up to? Where is he? Should Jordan listen to Kael's instincts or her own? I guess you have to just wait and read...

Spoiler: revelations next chapter.

T