Heaven's not so far away,
I can hear its melody from here in the waiting room.
Well, Heaven's not so far away.
I can hear its melody calling me home.

This Providence - Losing Control

It was funny how the scar across my throat already looked healed by the time I was out of the shower and drying off. It didn't even look new, instead it had the pale coloring of one that was years past fresh. I idly touched its thin line, following its trail as I thought about the evening's proceedings. A picture of James and his similar scar flashed through my mind. I wondered how he got his and why it left a scar if he had a healer as good as Kael around. Maybe it was from his earlier years, before the Clan. Maybe that's where all his scars were from.

I threw on some comfy clothes before making my way out to the hallway. I had given the gear to Kael to have it cleaned and repaired. If things kept going as they had been, I had the feeling I'd end up going through a lot of gear. Kael was waiting in the library with a stack of books almost as tall as him where he sat in his maroon over-stuffed chair. I stopped in the doorway, wishing I had decided to take the night off after all.

"You're joking," I said with a groan.

His smile widened into a Cheshire cat grin that looked surprisingly sinister with his wispy hair hanging in his face.

Two hours later I had what seemed a hundred Angel names swimming through my head; everything from Gotzone and Hasmed, to Iahmel and Vel. Kael had promised he'd have me as proficient with their names in two weeks as himself and even Nevaeh, who apparently knew names that weren't even in their books, passed down from her parents and their parents. He said something about them being innate, carved into me, and all I had to do was remind myself of them.

I was anxious to be able to actually apply the names, but Kael said I had to learn them before I could even begin to call upon them. Apparently it wasn't the words that held the ability, but my use of them, like my power, my blood was what made the call work. And since I didn't yet understand my power, and couldn't Shift or use my 'Blood Power' as he called it, actually using the words seemed exasperatingly far in the future.

Next was Nev's history lesson which consisted of her giving me even more books, but these were full of the most powerful Fallen and all the evils they had done and the calamities they had caused. It felt more like I was reading ancient mythology than my ancestry though. I had assumed I would enjoy reading any kind of history of my kind, even if it was terrible, but I soon discovered that wasn't the case.

The authors didn't suppress anything, and they didn't seem ashamed either, they simply wrote the truth in all its horror, in all its gore and all its depravity. I felt more disgusted with Darklings than connected to them by the end of my first history class. Even after just two hours of reading I already understood the hatred the Clan held against Fourths and Halflings. They didn't seem to have a single redeeming quality, no soul, no remorse, no values or lines or boundaries they wouldn't cross, even the ones they 'loved' would be cast aside if they got in the way of power. Even their own children, or lovers, no one was too great a sacrifice if it meant a step closer to whatever goal they had in their sights. Some Fallen didn't even seem to want power, just destruction, just chaos. And they chased it with a singularity that was disturbing. It was sickening, even to me, even to the mind of someone sick.

I read page after page of wickedness without cause, torture that even I couldn't stomach, cruelty that didn't have a motive, no goal or prize sought to be gained, no reason. Often the baseless violence and brutality were the cause of the Darkling's ultimate end, and yet history repeated again and again, a cycle of a Fallen pushing the world too far, acting on his or her desires and sealing their own demise subsequently.

Some of the acts were so atrocious I felt physically ill, something a story had never been able to illicit from me. In a small way, beneath my abhorrent disgust for my kind, I felt better, at least I wasn't like these creatures. I may desire the dark, the cruel and violent at times, even often, but flaying children as they screamed for their mothers, removing someone's flesh piece by piece, impaling and eviscerating whole towns one household at a time for no other reason than wanting to? Or boredom, or missing the power of being someone else's god? That was something I had never desired.

I was surprised by the many instances of Human cruelty that were caused by Darklings' manipulations as well: wars to witch hunts, holodomor to crusades. Some of the worst execution techniques history ever knew came from the minds of Fallen. Many of the worst killers in history, widely notorious or still shrouded from public knowledge had been Darklings, though many were 'weak-blooded' as the book called them, eighths or sixteenths or even less. Bathory, Talat, Calihula, Mengele, Torquemada, Himmler, Ivan, Nero, Dracula, the list almost seemed fictional.

Even on the rare occasions where Darklings weren't directly responsible for the horrors of the Earth's history, they were close, being the whisper in the ear of some of the darkest times the world had ever seen.

Finally, Nev let me leave, taking the pile of books with me to my room before going to James' for Demon types and blocks. I had to take a small break to recompose myself, to bury my feelings of revulsion and loathing before my next session, but luckily I had had years of practice at controlling what I felt, what I allowed myself to feel. Within a few minutes I had battled my tight stomach and headache back into the shadows and was ready for whatever James had planned. I felt a slight excitement for the lesson despite the last two revolting hours I'd just endured. And the fact that it was already well after midnight.

I paused in front of his door for a second, wondering if I should knock or walk in since I assumed he was expecting me when it swung open before me. He had on jeans and a grey zip-up, casually zipped a couple of inches below his collarbone. His hair was wet again and I assumed by the fresh pine scent he had recently taken a second shower.

I took a stabilizing breath and brushed past him, hoping he hadn't noticed me admiring him. I sat on the same couch I had woken up on earlier that day. Even though it was only an hour after midnight, the day seemed like the longest of my life and the memory of my horrible training that morning seemed as if it had been days ago.

James sauntered over and sighed heavily as he sat in a chair near the fire, pushing his sleeves up in a weary motion, his right wrist bandaged.

"Tired?" I asked sarcastically, one eyebrow raised in inquiry.

"Didn't get much sleep the last couple of nights, that's all. And now I have to play teacher for you."

He sounded less playful than I would have liked and he was completely blocked from me, not even a tickle of his presence on my skin. His inconsistent moods were beginning to irritate me and the fact that he was keeping me out of his head, robbing me of the ecstasy I felt when he allowed it, made my mood drop another level.

"Sorry for the inconvenience." I replied, letting my annoyance slip into my voice.

James held the Book of Dust out to me lazily and I groaned.

"This again?"

He grinned, the picture of arrogance and attitude. I let out a small scoff before snatching the book.

"Demon types are in there, like I said. So if you want to learn, you'll have to be able to read that. I'm not going to read them to you." He ended with a half-sneer.

"I'll read it tonight then, a little bedtime story." I dropped it to my side on the couch. "Now, how about you teach me that neat little trick you have that keeps me out." I said with a smirk that I hoped mimicked his lips' normal cocky twist.

"Aw, is the little lamb frustrated?" He taunted back at me.

"You're annoying me." I replied shortly.

It was truly amazing how quickly he could get under my skin. He was the most infuriating man I had ever met and his enticing demeanor other times only made times like this even worse. Being drawn to someone so unpredictable was really beginning to piss me off. I never knew if he would be my friend or my parent, if he would treat me like a sister, or a bother, or an equal. It was terribly frustrating.

I gasped as a wave of electricity hit me and ran over my body, but then, just as quickly as it had come, it disappeared. I glared at James. He merely sat in his chair, his tan skin glowing faintly in the firelight with an amused little smile on his face. He took down his block once more and it took everything in me to stop myself from making another noise. Then he flicked it off again, and the feeling was gone, leaving me cold and empty. His smile grew as the fire returned a third time.

He was playing with me, giving and taking away the heavenly sensation. He turned it off once more and looked at me with his devilish smile.

I opened my mouth and was about to yell at him, or tell him to stop, or something else along those lines, when he made the fire return even stronger than before and I had to snap my mouth shut to stop myself from moaning, my hands balled into fists at my side.

"Stop. That." I said through clenched teeth, my eyes narrowing as I glared at him.

"What? You don't like teasing?" He replied in an innocent voice.

I knew that as soon as he figured out how blissful our connection was for me he would abuse it. I had just hoped he would maybe be embarrassed by it and not use it against me so blatantly. I had hoped wrong.

I held his mocking eyes for a few more seconds, before reaching for my Gift, making to stuff it away. Then everything went black, a moment later light flooded back to my eyes, except I wasn't in his room anymore, I was back in my woods, the clearing from my daydreams, the one from my nightmare.

I was sitting in the middle of the field, I could feel the grass beneath me and even the air smelled of leaves and the outdoors. I knew James was doing it, that he was using his Gift on me, but I couldn't figure out how he knew my secret place or, if he didn't, how he could make me see something he had never seen. I stayed seated, fuming on the inside but calm on the out, waiting for James to show up with his dark eyes and hard smile to give me some belittling instructions, but nothing happened.

I was alone in the field, just like I was in my fantasies. I cocked my head to the side and strained to hear anything out in the still woods but there was nothing. I was relieved when I realized the feeling of eyes on me was absent, it was strangely peaceful and I decided I might as well enjoy it while it lasted, until James decided to show up and spoil it. I laid back and gazed up at the sky, grass tickling my neck, just like I had so many nights in my childhood when I would sneak out.

The trees above me looked like dark blotches against the navy sky dotted with stars. I could almost make out shapes and images in their branches, like they were over-sized Rorschach tests. I smiled up at them as I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Whether James had put me here on purpose, or if he had just forced my mind to pick its most used spot, I didn't care, I was here now and this was the most relaxed I had been all day. I was going to enjoy it.

A strange breeze blew over me a moment later, much too cold for the season my daydreams were usually set in. I peeked one eye open slightly, almost expecting James to be standing over me, his arms crossed and his face set into its 'teacher' front, but nothing was there, just the sky and the inky trees, reaching out like wicked souls towards the brilliant sparks in the dark canvas above. The breeze picked up again and it was almost like there was a whisper floating on it, but I missed its message. I sat up and looked around, now sure it was James messing with my mind.

"Just come out already," I called to the empty night air. "James!"

Now I was starting to get angry, what was the point of wasting my time by making me wait for his grand entrance? His theatrics and arrogance truly were astounding.

A dark laugh drifted through the branches to me, eerie and familiar. I froze, holding my breath as icy fingernails tiptoed up my spine. The wind suddenly sent a gust, blowing my hair in my face. I swiped it away, trying to catch all the stray strands to clear my vision. I scanned the woods and thought I saw a dark shadow move just beyond its edge. The laugh continued and echoed in my head, smooth and deep, cold and mocking. And close. I knew that laugh, it was the same from my nightmare. It was Ambriel's killer. In a moment I was filled with the need for revenge, the need to kill the thing that had hurt Kael, my friend, that had forced James to live with the guilt of not being able to save his brother's love.

"Why are you hiding? Big, strong Angel too scared to face me? What, you killed Ambriel but you can't beat me? Did you have to trick her in order to win? Sneak up on her? Stab her in the back? Come out and show me who you are!" I called out over the growing laughter.

Silence followed my words and the breeze died down. A heavy branch snapped behind me and I spun around, getting to my feet but staying low. My fighting stance didn't matter though, as a frozen needle touched the back of my neck and I was paralyzed. Ice ran through my veins and over my skin, so cold it burned my flesh.

"You want to see me? Then turn around, silly girl."

A long pause followed the words, but my lungs were frozen as well as my body, all I could do was flick my eyes to the side, begging my neck to turn. My mind was screaming at me to move, to fight, but my body refused to respond. I was bound. It was as if I had never been able to move, as if my entire life had been frozen in one spot, like my muscles had never learned what movement even was.

"No?" Came the mocking, smooth voice behind me. I could feel his cold breath on my neck, he was right there, right behind me, but I could do nothing. "You aren't strong enough? With the big talk I expected better from you." The voice feigned sadness, disappointment, as if he had truly hoped for a better fight, a more worthy opponent.

"You aren't being trained to your fullest potential. You can do so much more, be so much more. They can never teach you what I can. You're on the wrong side."

The voice was now at my ear, whispering seductively, his breath sent a shiver down my spine and I realized I could speak, the pressure constricting my lungs released.

"You killed one of us, you aren't the side I want to be on." I breathed out, using as much of the air in my lungs as I could, trying to fill my weak voice with all the venom I could muster.

"I promise you this, she is not dead because of me. I have done nothing to you, nothing but watch over you, protect you, always from a distance, until you'd need me. Like now, when they are leading you down the wrong path, a dark path. What do you really know about your new friends? How do you know they're the side you should stand on? You don't even know the truth about the one you accuse me of killing, child. I'm clearly stronger, isn't the stronger side - the winning side - the one you want to be on?"

His voice was soothing, gentle, and persuasive. Seductive. It was a feather running down my neck, relaxing my body, my soul. It was so beautiful and all I wanted was to turn and see his face, not to hurt him, but just to see how lovely he was. If his face matched his voice even slightly, then he would surely be the most glorious thing I had ever seen. My mind felt fuzzy, clouded with sweet-smelling smoke.

"It's hard to see the broken pieces past such a pretty face, but your leader isn't who you think he is. You're on the wrong side." He whispered into my ear again, and a small breath escaped my lips, a sigh of pleasure as his silken voice continued to caress my mind.

"You could be so strong, so fierce. I can make you what you've always wanted. Your nature is beautiful, your Gifts are so strong. I've never seen their likeness. You just can't see it with those people around you, corrupting you, weakening you. You feel it too, I know you do. Already they're draining you. You can stand with me. I can teach you...join me."

An image settled on my mind, one of power, one where I would rule, not follow. I could be a god. I would have everything. I could live forever. The twisted darkness in me, the Fallen part of me, was pulling so heavily, so strongly, I felt my entire body coated in the desire his words gave me. Their sweet promises pulled me closer to the edge of a cliff in my mind, but I wouldn't fall from it, I somehow knew I would fly once I leapt from its heights. I would soar. I just had to trust him, to give myself to him, and I would be his, on his side. The winning side. All I had to do was say the words.

I give you my life. I give you my death. My body and soul. I'm yours.

I somehow knew the words...my lips parted, the need to speak them burning my tongue.

Suddenly, a fire burst over my skin, breaking the frozen paralysis. An electric volt ran through me that brought me to my knees and the cold breath disappeared. The voice drifted to me once more, but it was no longer close, it floated on the wind like his laughter had.

"You can either stand with me or fall with him...but we will meet again. You're on the wrong side, little batnae."

I saw an orange light flickering and suddenly I was back in James' room, his face above mine, a fire in his eyes I had never seen before. His hands were on my shoulders as if he had been trying to shake me out of my dream. My eyes felt glazed as I stared up at him blankly.

I was laying awkwardly on my back, like James had laid me down once I was transported to the field and now the arm I was on prickled with sleep. I blinked away the grogginess from my mind as I slowly straightened. James moved back, but his face was still full of confusion.

"What happened?" I asked slowly, my mouth thick and heavy.

"You tell me. I was about to pull your mind when it was like something snatched you away, your mind was ripped from me and just...disappeared. It was like you were in a coma, a trance."

"How long?" I managed to choke out, swallowing hard to try and bring life back to my dry mouth.

"Two and a half minutes, give or take a few seconds," he replied precisely, as if he had timed me. "Now my turn. Where were you, what did you see? Was that a prophecy?"

I hesitated, not because I couldn't remember, but because my instincts were telling me I shouldn't confess to James all that had transpired. My gut was telling me to only share the bare minimum, to not give away anything that would make me vulnerable. This hadn't been a prophecy. This was a message, a message from a Fallen - I was sure of that.

James already had suspicions about me, even if his mind seemed clear of severe ones. He probably trusted me about as much as I trusted him, which seemed to be less and less the more I learned about him, or the more I realized how much I still didn't know. From what I knew and even all I didn't, he wasn't the most honest, honorable person. He was just as cunning and hidden as me. Which meant I would be a fool to fully trust him so soon...just like he would be a fool to fully trust me. I had to watch out for myself or no one would.

"I was back in the woods, the one from the other dream...or prophecy. I thought you had put me there, so I waited for you but you never came. I heard someone laugh again...and then it was cold, so cold I couldn't move. I was paralyzed until you pulled me back."

I looked up at him after I finished, realizing that avoiding his eyes would only make him more suspicious. He had a searching look on his face, as if he was trying to see what I had, without the help of my words, so I forced my face into its usual look, trying to add innocence wherever I could. His jaw tensed for a moment before he released it and his eyes took a hard edge.

"Back in the woods, our woods?" His voice sounded scarily smooth, pleasant even, if it weren't for the burn of his eyes on mine.

"No, my woods back home. It's my favorite place." Now that I was keeping so much more from James, my secret spot back home hardly seemed worth hiding.

"So, you had a prophecy about being cold...in your favorite place...waiting for me." He turned his head slightly, his dark eyes glinting in the firelight of his room. "What does it mean? Only you could know." He spoke the words without looking away, the entire time he held my eyes, trying to draw the answer from them.

His question surprised me and I found myself at a loss for an answer.

"I...I don't know."

James sneered at my reply, one corner of his lip raised slightly, like a cynical smile was trying to form.

"Well, I suggest you figure it out. Something happened here...but I can't get to it, something's blocking me from seeing anything. So it's up to you."

His voice was as sharp as a razor as he spoke, the fire in his dark eyes hot enough to scald me. I could feel his power quietly hissing through the air around me and something about him seemed lethal, like there was an anger burning beneath his surface that he was just barely containing.

"I want to know how your mind could be pulled away from me so easily. And why you keep being brought to those woods, what's their importance? That's your homework...now go."

His words were cold and dismissive. He was no longer my partner, or even a fellow Clan member, he was acting as the leader, giving an order and expecting it to be followed without question. A part of me bristled at the sound of the assumed authority in his voice, expecting obedience. The dark in me was daring him to try and tell me what to do, but an argument was the last thing I wanted right then, so I simply stood, grabbed the Book of Dust from the couch and stalked out of the room.

That night I slept with my window open, ever since James had pulled me back from the message with his heat and current, I had been burning up. As soon as I got to my room and opened the window, letting the cool night air in, I collapsed onto the bed, both from the exhaustion of the long day and with the hope of drifting back to the woods, back to the Angel with the beautiful voice and tempting promises. My head couldn't have hit the pillow for more than ten seconds before I was asleep.

My dreams were disappointingly peaceful and benign, no dark figures in the woods, no Demons to run from, just deep, dead sleep unmarred by nightmares.

Uh-oh, and just when we were beginning to trust her, or him? Who's really telling the whole truth here? And when Heaven calls, shouldn't you answer?

Remember to pay special attention to those pesky themes, lyrics, and details...

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