Heaven's not a place that you go when you die, it's that moment in life when you actually feel alive.

The Spill Canvas - The Tide

I walked out of James' room on cloud nine. That was the best conversation I had ever had with him, with anyone, since my time with the Clan. He seemed so much more open, so much more real. I felt naturally drawn to him and even though I was beginning to understand him more, little bits and segments, there was so much more to know. At least I was beginning to be able to pick up on his cues. There was something about him that was so different, yet familiar. He sometimes seemed as far from me as possible, almost inhumanly so, but then other times it was like I was sitting with someone I had known my entire life. I said things, did things, I would never imagine doing with anyone else, even with someone I had known far longer than him.

I let my thoughts continue to grow in my head as I walked up to the kitchen, but as soon as I opened the door I found a shock-faced Kael sitting with the largest sandwich I had ever seen pulling me back into the real world and out of my own mind. The monster sandwich was hovering just out of reach of his gaping mouth, packed full of greenery and bright colored peppers and other veggies and cheeses, all of which stuck out haphazardly, possibly planning their imminent escape. He held it frozen, suspended halfway to his opened mouth as I turned the corner.

He looked like a kid caught with his hand in a cookie jar, so I gave him a small smile and sat at the breakfast bar. Kael set the sandwich down as he considered me for a moment. He glanced around as he spoke, clearly wondering how to go about what he wanted to say.

"Soo, how'd that goo?" He bit at his lips as he waited for a reply, but before I could even open my mouth he spoke again. "I might have gone down after a little while just to check on you. James can be tough on people, but you weren't there...I saw blood on the floor...you okay?"

He sounded genuinely concerned, which made me wonder what I still didn't know about James, if even his own brother, for all intents and purposes, thought he was capable of seriously injuring a member of his own Clan. Despite this though, I still felt unusually happy, so I decided to play a little.

"It wasn't my blood," I said casually as I hopped off the barstool and walked over to the fridge.

"Wait, what? Who else was down there? Who else is here? Did Nev go downstairs? No, I would have seen her..."

His voice drifted off as he finished, as if his last sentence was meant more for himself. Again, I found it interesting that Kael hadn't even thought of it being James' blood. I wondered just how good James was at what he did that Kael wouldn't even consider the option that James could have been injured. I felt a small well of pride for how expert my partner must be, even though it meant Kael doubted my own abilities.

I coyly looked over my shoulder as I spoke, before absently perusing the fridge's full shelves once more. "It was James' blood."

I couldn't see Kael's reaction, and I didn't want to allow myself to turn around and peek, but it sounded like he choked for a moment after I spoke. He sputtered for a few seconds more as he regained his breath and apparently spit up whatever drink he had been sipping. I smiled into the fridge as I grabbed an apple from the crisper.

I turned around and took a big bite, hoping to buy myself some time before the barrage of questions began. I looked up from my apple to see Kael gawking at me, a look of pure shock mixed with awe on his face. It made me smile, which I luckily hid from him behind the apple.

"What?" I said around a mouthful of Granny Smith.

"Who the fuck are you?" Kael said, the awe growing in his voice. I smiled again before taking a little nibble of the apple. I hadn't planned on answering, but Nevaeh walked in at just the right time to make it seem like I would have.

"Oh good, you're here. Ready?" She said, sounding like she didn't want to be doing this any more than I did.

"Yeah, what are we doing?" I tried to make my voice as pleasant as possible, but I still couldn't get the dark look she had worn as she stood over me during Master out of my head.

It was the strangest scenario I had ever been in, that a person who had practically tried to murder me not even a day ago was now standing before me acting like nothing had happened. Well if she wasn't going to bring it up, neither was I. Life was certainly different with the Clan.

"You're an Air, so we're going to work with some potential skills, whips and arrows. Any experience?" She sounded completely bored, I didn't take it personally though, she always sounded bored. Bored or bitchy, and currently I preferred the former.

"How'd you know I was an Air?"

I thought James had just 'discovered' that, and I had no idea how Nev could have heard of it so quickly. She merely shrugged and I almost physically heard her thoughts.

We had a hunch, I'm assuming it's been confirmed?

I wasn't sure how to respond to a thought-question like that, my Gift seemed to be getting stronger and I had never felt such close-to-audible thoughts before. I nodded slightly before noticing her annoyed look and remembering that she had asked me a question out loud as well.

"I've never shot an arrow in my life, and my whip skills are probably pretty rusty. Boys nowadays aren't nearly as kinky as they used to be." I decided I might as well try and bring some humor into the sure to be catastrophic training session, knowing it would be near impossible to make the next couple hours any more awkward than they were inevitably going to be anyways. Kael let out a chuckle behind me, apparently appreciating my S and M humor and even Nev seemed to attempt a small smile, but it looked pretty pitiful.

"Then let's hope you learn fast."

I could almost feel the dread rolling off Nevaeh, that and something that almost felt nervous...guilt maybe? Even though she hadn't been particularly friendly thus far, she at least wasn't spewing venom into my mind or muttering under her breath, so I decided to take it as a truce and nodded my understanding.

"Meet me downstairs in five minutes. It'll give me time to set up."

What she really meant was that I didn't have to come down and be around her until it was absolutely necessary but I pretended my Gift hadn't tipped me off too that. I attempted another smile, hopefully a little more convincing than hers had been.

"Sure."

As soon as Nevaeh's perfect little behind sashayed around the corner and I heard the basement's camouflaged door click shut Kael let out a big breath that almost convinced me he had been holding it the entire time Nev had been in the kitchen.

"Whew! I've never seen two females be so nice to each other when you know all either one of them want to do is rip the other's head off. The tension was so heavy it would have taken a bulldozer to move that shit. James must really have charmed you both to have you listen to his orders so well, well, charmed you, threatened her more likely. He was not pleased with her last night." Kael gave a dramatic shudder.

"I'm not doing this for James. And I don't take orders from him." I spat the words without even thinking and they came out much harsher than necessary, but Kael didn't seem surprised.

"You are definitely a stubborn one, and a bit of a problem with authority. I used to be the same. I'm excited to see how this plays out." He had a silly grin on, like he was at some kind of sporting event and couldn't wait to see how the two teams with bad blood played against each other, and who would be victorious.

"You could at least pretend to feel bad for me since I have a couple solid hours of torture in my near future." I joked back, trying to brighten my mood again before I descended the stairs into my own personal hell.

"I've never been a very good actor, if you want someone gifted in the art of pretending, go seek sympathy from James, though I doubt he'd give it. Since we're back on the topic of James, how the hell did you get the upper hand? Did you flash him?"

Kael spoke quickly, as if all in one breath, until he got to the end of his terrible segue and back on the topic he was curious about. It didn't surprise me, even before he had spoken I knew he wanted to get back on the topic of my training mystery. I'd felt the desire from his mind and it made it obvious that he was curious and more than a little skeptical. There was a cloud of doubt in his head that I had sensed without even trying. My Gift was flexing a lot lately.

"Nice transition. And no, I didn't flash him. You'll just have to ask him for the blow-by-blow, though with his reputation of pretending, I doubt he'll give it." I mimicked Kael's deep voice at the last part and raised one eyebrow at him in a playful gesture. He took the bait.

"You gunna be like that? Damn, you're going to keep us all on our toes, aren't cha?" He had a playful grin on his face, but for some reason James' smile flashed through my mind, his amused little smirk, the spark his eyes had held. I shook my head slightly, trying to shake the image out of my brain.

"I should get downstairs. Nev'll be ready soon."

I absently wondered what James would tell Kael when he inevitably asked him about our training incident. I doubted he would tell the whole truth, it seemed like he rarely did. As I walked down the stairs I began thinking of how much I still didn't know about James, especially if he was some kind of a master at lying. I felt a buzz in the air as soon as I reached the bottom of the stairs and I recognized the pinpricks as being from James' presence. I glanced around but didn't see him in the gymnasium, my eyes were drawn to his door though, and I could feel him on the other side.

The strength of my connection to him seemed to be growing stronger, like my Gift, and I could almost physically feel him, not just his thoughts or vague emotions. Currently, he seemed to be working something over in his head, something he was curious about, something he really wanted to understand, needed to understand. I could feel his desire to solve whatever mystery he was thinking of, it burned through me as strongly as his fireplace's heat had a quarter-hour earlier.

His mind was full of so much, it was daunting, even for me simply looking in as an outsider. Once again he left me in awe. No matter how hard I focused on his mind and feelings though, I couldn't get a grasp on what specifically he was thinking of, it kept slipping away, like smoke between my fingers. I let out a sigh as I walked across the floor towards Nev, giving up on trying to understand James' mind for the moment. I couldn't wait until Kael taught me more of my Gift, to hone and strengthen it.

Nevaeh glanced up from the bows she was working on as I approached. An uncomfortable silence passed between us as I neared and the echo of my footsteps on the gym floor seemed to deepen the awkwardness. I understood what Kael meant when he said the tension had been thick in the kitchen, it seemed even heavier now that he wasn't there to play watchdog. I decided I might as well take the plunge, she didn't scare me and my pride wouldn't let me be cowed.

"Let's just get this out there; I'll play nice if you will."

I tried to sound as casual as I could, to make my statement not seem threatening, because as much as I wanted to cave her head in, some part of me felt the need to behave. Deep down I figured it was because I didn't want to disappoint James, but I wasn't consciously admitting that to myself just yet. I had never cared about what others wanted. I had always done things by myself and for myself...but that seemed to be shifting.

"Just stay out of my way and you won't have any trouble." She replied in a voice that would probably be the audio clip of 'bitch' in the dictionary.

I rolled my eyes but decided I'd keep my cool a little longer. Hopefully, I could just ignore her for the rest of our session after she instructed me on how to work the archery equipment. Maybe if I got lucky she'd break a nail and leave early due to the tragedy. I smiled to myself at the thought.

"Don't smirk, it's ugly and makes you look simple." She said sharply, jolting me out of my thoughts. I was starting to see that James had been right, I spent much too much time in my head.

The next ninety minutes went mostly as expected. The only surprising event was that I was a natural at archery, and I wasn't horrible with a whip either. Nevaeh refused to credit any of my skills to my own prowess and instead said that I 'must have strong Sign qualities', but somehow even that didn't sound like a compliment. She was irritating me more and more with her high voice and unsaid comments leaking into my head. I wished I could turn my Gift off. Even when she wasn't directly thinking at me, her emotions and attitude were stifling. It made me feel like I needed fresh air.

The only high point of the training was the feeling of James' electric fire running over me. It was a constant calming pressure...and a reminder to not turn the arrows on Nevaeh. I found it odd he hadn't blocked me yet. Maybe he didn't know I could feel him, maybe he was so caught up in his thoughts he didn't even notice I was there as well, or maybe he figured I'd be so busy training I wouldn't have time to try to dig around in his head. Maybe he wanted to keep the lines of communication open in case I tried to kill Nev, which seemed likely at times. Whatever his reasoning, I appreciated it and the connection was probably the only thing keeping me relatively passive around Nevaeh's toxic presence.

After I shot the bull's-eye out of nearly every target she put before me and wrapped the thin, metal wire of the whip around every object she pointed me at, she let me go upstairs and relax for a half-hour before I had another training session with Kael. I swiftly crossed the gym floor and jogged up the stairs, happy to get away from Nev and her snide comments. A sharp headache had come on quickly halfway through training and I wanted nothing more than to get away from her and see if that somehow helped.

I was relieved that Kael was no longer in the kitchen, I didn't want to have to skirt his questions a second time. All I wanted was to be alone, to take my half-hour and get away, get away from Nev, and Kael, and the constant social expectations of the house. I wasn't used to being around people so much, to having to deal with others in such close quarters and not having any time to myself, to get lost in my thoughts. I was beginning to see that living with the Clan would leave me with very little time to be alone. I never knew you could miss yourself, but I was beginning to.

Instead of turning up the second flight of stairs to my room, I passed the stairs and went straight for the front door. I felt the urge to go out to the grounds and soon I was in the woods, surrounded by dark greens and the smell of dirt and fresh air. I found a big oak and leaned my back against it, sliding down to the forest floor. The breeze and natural sounds seemed to wash away my time in the gym and I instantly felt more relaxed. I hadn't noticed how much I had disliked the stale, trapped air of the basement until I was outside in the open again.

I closed my eyes and took deep breaths, trying to mentally hold the feeling and stash it away for when I'd need it later. Being alone in the peace and quiet did wonders for me and I slowly let my mind drift off, flying one way then another, thinking of nothing and a little of everything. I had missed just thinking, just being with myself. Every time I tried to dive into my own mind, someone interrupted me and it was nice to not have to be on for anyone. I could just sit and be me, letting my mind go free.

Soon I started to daydream. I was in the city again, it was nighttime and I was following something, searching for something. The dark hulking figures of the buildings were sprouting up on either side of me and made me feel small, but I still felt powerful. Their shadows brought me comfort and I enjoyed walking along the familiar streets, looking for whatever it was I felt drawn to.

Suddenly I saw a strange movement in the shadows of an alley up ahead, something so black it seemed to be sucking in the dim street lights, pulling all paler gray areas into itself to be swallowed up in its complete inky darkness. A moment later I was hit with the feeling of eyes on me, heavy and sinister, angry. It was so strong, so palpable, like a sheet had been draped over me, hindering my movements. A small spark of panic fluttered to life deep in my stomach.

My eyes flew open as I heard a brittle snap and I quickly looked around the quiet forest. James stood only five yards off, casually leaning against a tree, a broken twig in his left hand.

"You should get back inside, Kael's waiting." He said, a small smile playing with one side of his lips, something in between his usual cocky smirk and his predatory grin.

The air was void of the electric hum I was becoming accustomed to when he was near and a part of me resented him for shutting me out. He flicked the twig to the forest floor and watched it where it lay for a moment before leveling his eyes to mine again. He was standing unnaturally still like he so often did, looking like a stone statue, a strikingly handsome statue, but cold, unyielding stone nonetheless. I pushed myself up against the trunk and made for the house. He stayed frozen against the tree.

I noticed he was wearing a dark sweatshirt, one sleeve pulled down over his hand. I had never seen him with anything more than a t-shirt on and the small duffle bag over his shoulder pulled my attention to the fact that he was going somewhere.

"You aren't coming?"

I tried to sound nonchalant, but something seemed wrong, even though I couldn't put my finger on exactly what. The way he stood seemed wrong, the way he was watching me, even the way he held one arm against himself seemed strange, like it was bothering him, but there was something more, something else I couldn't place, a feeling.

"Going on a little errand, that's all."

He shrugged as if this wasn't an uncommon occurrence, but his stillness made the movement seem calculated, like he had to consciously decide to roll his shoulders just so in order to convey his careful act of apathy.

"A little early for bars and whores, isn't it?" I joked as I approached the tree he was still leaning against. His motionless stance was beginning to unnerve me, but he didn't break it as I neared. I found myself wondering if he was even breathing, his chest hardly seemed to move. He didn't laugh at my joke or even acknowledge it.

"I'll be home in time for you tonight."

His voice sounded strange, and something about him was different, strained, as if he was trying very hard to keep something hidden, to keep everything hidden. His usual carefully calculated demeanor was amped up to let nothing out that he didn't explicitly wish to be known and something about his behavior made my skin prickle and my heart drum in an unpleasant way. Just a couple of hours ago he had been completely different, but now he was acting like a stranger, cold and guarded.

As I passed, I glanced over at him, his head turned ever so slightly, just enough so his eyes could track my movements, but besides that, he stayed lightly leaned against the tree, stock-still. Once I made it past him and walked a few paces, I couldn't help it and looked back, hoping he wouldn't catch me staring, but he was still leaning against the tree, his back to me. The deep shadows the trees cast almost made it believable that he was a statue, placed in that exact spot by his artist to scare off intruders, like a forest scarecrow.

Kael was upside down on the couch of the media room when I found him, his bare feet sticking up in the air over the back of the cushions, his head dangling inches above the floor, hair standing on end. He righted himself with a surprisingly graceful twist and motioned for me to sit with him.

"Excited? I loved learning about my powers and how to use them. It can be really frustrating to start out but it's completely worth it in the end!" He wore his oversized goofy grin again but I could tell he was trying to be especially nice in case the training with Nev had gone poorly. He thought my retreat to the woods meant I was upset.

"Nevaeh was fine, bitchy as usual, but nothing surprisingly evil. At least I didn't bleed all over her this time."

Kael's face looked momentarily shocked, but then an easy smile appeared again.

"I see James wasn't lying, you're already pretty good with your Gift, well, one of them at least. But..." He raised his hand and paused in a theatrical manner, "I'm going to teach you control, to shut it off, turn it on, focus it. You're wasting your energy by constantly drawing from it as much as you do. No wonder you nap so much."

"Alright, you've got me hooked, where do we start?" I was beginning to get anxious to begin, I had always wanted some kind of supernatural power and now all that was standing in my way was time and training. It still seemed like I was living a dream, everything I had ever wished was real...was.

Kael was glancing around the room and let out a small sigh before answering.

"Where, is right."

Thoroughly confused, I looked around too, as if maybe I'd be able to find whatever it was Kael was searching for.

"You have to give me some kind of clue, my Gift isn't being very active right now and I have no idea what you're looking for."

His eyes stopped jumping around long enough to find mine. A thought seemed to dawn on him as a satisfied smile spread across his pierced lips.

"Where's your favorite place. If you could be anywhere, where would it be?"

Immediately my woods back home, the place from my daydreams, appeared in my mind, vivid and beautiful, then James' room popped into my head, but I pushed that answer away quickly. I decided to make my reply less personal and opted for just 'the woods'.

"Really? Not the city? You seem like the city type. I was hoping for a field trip to my old stomping grounds. Oh well, woods it is. Come on."

Kael sprang off the couch and was halfway down the hall before I caught up. I opened my mouth to ask, but this time Kael was the mind-reader and answered before I had the chance to speak.

"We're going to train in the forest. Mainly because it will help you if you're in a setting you can relax in, but also because working with your Sign will be easier out in the open air...and I'm really sick of sitting around the house. I get stir crazy. Smoke?"

He abruptly stopped, causing me to almost crash into him just outside the front door, and lit up an unfiltered Camel.

"Wow, I had no idea people still smoked those, or that you smoked in general for that matter."

Kael took a deep drag and blew it up into the clear air above us before answering.

"Habit I picked up back in my street days and since I figure I won't live long enough for cancer to catch me, it doesn't seem to matter much, now does it?"

Something about how Kael spoke of death so casually seemed strangely dark for him. He was normally the good-humored, mood-lightener, but I was beginning to see that all of the Clan had a darker side. They all constantly lived with death looming over them, they had all lost people and they all expected it to take them at any time. I supposed that took its toll on a person after a while.

Kael had been a street thug and murderer before James found him, and I still didn't know that whole story, Nevaeh had watched her entire family be cut down and torn away from her, and James...James seemed the darkest of all. If the others accepted death, then James embraced it like a lover. Something about him, something from his past made him welcome it. It was eerily similar to how I felt myself, maybe that was just the gift of our kind.

At some point during my little mental monologue, Kael had held one of the short sticks out to me. I shook my head at it and he shrugged before tucking it behind his ear.

"Doesn't it hurt your abilities, endurance and everything?" I had always heard that smoking wasn't exactly the best for fitness purposes.

Kael chuckled a little before answering.

"I was just kidding about the cancer thing. Hardly anything affects us the same as Humans, you'll learn that when you try to get drunk next." He pulled in another drag.

"Blessing and a curse," he said with a note of bitterness in his voice. "On the upside, I haven't been sick for half a decade, not even the sniffles. Being around our own kind strengthens our differences from Humans, our blood. Give it time and you'll see."

He gave me a nerdy smile before flicking his cigarette to the grass and stepping down on it. He spread his arms out and half-bowed, inviting me to walk towards the tree line.

"Shall we?"

Smoke leaked out of his mouth as he spoke, making him look like he was burning from within. Even in his silly half-bow, he looked slightly satanic and I suddenly thought of how he must look to his enemies in a real battle, all hulking muscle, brute strength, and merciless, murderous intent. I paused for a moment, picturing Kael in a fight.

"You know, you can be really scary looking sometimes," I said with a teasing undertone, but I wasn't completely joking. Kael struck an intimidating figure.

He straightened and shook his long, dark hair into his face, a small, sinister curve appeared at the edges of his lips.

"That's kind of what I go for. Let the out mirror within, as my mother always said. Though I doubt this is what she meant."

I took a deep breath and blew the hair out of his face before playfully jostling past him towards the woods and my to-be training ground. When he trotted up next to me he was smiling and any trace of him looking frightening was long gone. His unconventional look wasn't even slightly unnerving to me. I actually found his dark style kind of endearing.

Five minutes into the woods, Kael abruptly stopped and dropped down cross-legged on the ground.

"Here's good."

I sat a couple of feet in front of him at his prompting, waiting for instructions.

"Now, all you have to do is find your Gift. Air or your ability to poke around heads, I won't be picky, just find either one for now. Focus on finding it, it's already in you somewhere, but sometimes finding something you've always had can be tough. Just stay focused and search out your power."

He made it sound so simple, but I didn't even know where to start. How do you 'search' yourself? I spent about three minutes roving my eyes around, envisioning a scavenger hunt of my body before I got bored and started to daydream. I quickly noticed I had lost focus and pulled my mind back to the task at hand. Fifteen minutes later, and about four more times of having to reel my mind back on track, I was feeling both stupid and frustrated.

"Any hints besides 'search'?"

Kael had closed his eyes at some point during our short meditation session and I could see the remains of dark eyeliner rimming his top lids.

"Try and focus on something different about yourself. Your Gifts are changing and growing the longer you're with your kind, so try and focus on what has changed about you since you've been with us, maybe?"

His eyes didn't open and he spoke in a slow, even tone. And though I was excited to train my Gifts, my curiosity of knowing what he was thinking or meditating on seemed more pressing and I found myself trying to focus on his mind instead of my own. There was something that seemed peaceful about his still demeanor, but almost immediately my initial guess at serenity was chased away by a profound sadness as his emotions washed over me. He was thinking of Ambriel, I could tell by the aching loss I felt.

I felt like I was intruding on something deeply personal and I tried to focus my attention elsewhere, to leave his mind and instead focus on finding my power. I wished I'd done what he had said to begin with, instead of injecting myself into his mind and now having to find my way out. I felt like I was drowning in his sorrow, barely keeping my head above the waves. He had loved her so much, he had found someone so like him, so in tune with him. He had been honest with her, about everything, every thought he had, every emotion, every desire. It was truly like he had lost half of himself when she died.

I could feel a coiling pressure constricting my chest, the pain of knowing you are alone, truly alone, because the one you found would never be with you again. I found myself desperately searching for a way to turn off the pain, to leave his mind so I wouldn't have to feel his memories flooding me, suffocating me...and then, suddenly, out of nowhere, there it was. Almost instinctively I knew how to shut it off and the aching pit of his depression was gone.

There was nothing anymore, just my own mind. It felt oddly empty, like some part of me was missing, but then slowly, something began to surface. I felt a spark of something new yet familiar deep in the back of my mind, something I had never noticed before was patiently waiting to be called upon.

Cautiously I pulled it out and was hit by another wave of emotion from Kael, this time it was bittersweet thoughts, joy and sorrow intertwined together. Happy memories he could never relive; a kiss, a night together, two people lying on a rooftop, staring up at the sky smoking as their fingers intertwined... I shut it off again, not wanting to invade his private memories, the only things he had left of her. I sat there for a while after that, just feeling my power, trying to become acquainted with it, or reacquainted with it, like an old childhood friend I had fallen out of touch with.

Finally, I remembered that I was supposed to be training and reached out to gently touch Kael's knee and hopefully rouse him from his painful memories in a tender fashion. His eyes flew open when my hand was inches away and I was shocked by the lack of sadness there. He looked as if he had just been peacefully sitting, not tearing himself up over his lost love.

"Yeess, my dear?" He said in a jokingly silken voice.

I had to quickly compose my face to hide my surprise before I spoke.

"I found it and shut it off, my...mind-reading-Gift-thing? I don't exactly know what to call it."

Now it was Kael's turn to look shocked.

"You did it? Already?"

I gave a little smile of confirmation.

"So, what's next?"

Kael still looked shocked, his mouth hanging open slightly. For a guy who hid his mourning over Ambriel so well, he certainly couldn't hide any other emotions.

"And again I'll ask, who the fuck are you? Just to find my power took weeks!" Kael was practically shouting with excitement and disbelief at this point. "Wait, you aren't lying just so you can stop, are you? I mean shit, James said your Book of Dust training wasn't exactly a cakewalk, apparently, you have the attention span of a goldfish, so I thought we'd be out here for hours, every day, for weeks!"

I leaned back on my hands, feeling the pine needles poke into my palms and the cold dirt beneath them as I decided which statement from his rant to answer first. I decided on order of appearance.

"I'm Jordan, nice to meet you. I'm probably learning a little faster because I'm older than you were when you started, plus I've been unconsciously using my Gift all my life, plus plus, I have a better teacher," I paused to flash an award-winning smile at him before continuing. "I'm not pretending, I really found it and I resent the goldfish comment, fish aren't nearly as inattentive as people label them to be."

There was a moment of silence before Kael boomed out his signature laugh and flopped onto his back. He managed to choke out 'you're something else' between his bouts of laughter. Eventually, he regained control and stood up, offering me a hand. He pulled me up with such force I thought I might become airborne. He really was impossibly strong. He steadied me and gave a quick apology before heading back towards the house.

"You've earned yourself a break, we'll focus on your Sign tomorrow."

By the time we were back to the house, the sun was well below the horizon and my stomach was growling. Nevaeh was in the kitchen and whatever she was making smelled delicious. Kael solved the mystery by exclaiming 'stir-fry!' as soon as the aroma hit his nostrils.

"You're a nerd," she replied, but there was no bite to her voice.

"Well, you're a bitch," Kael said in the sweetest voice possible, a saintly smile on his face. Nev rolled her eyes, but I caught a glimpse of a small smile before she turned back to the skillet. It was weird to admit, but she didn't look nearly as strange cooking as I had expected...she actually looked kind of a natural at it.

"You guys are back earlier than I expected, so you'll have to wait for it to finish."

Kael perked up at this, seeming to be bursting at the seams with the desire to talk about my speedy learning.

"Yeah, Jordan found her power today, she can shut it off too." He turned to me. "Is it off now?"

I was almost surprised to realize it was. I hadn't even noticed its absence. I nodded at Kael's question, giving his expectant face a small smile.

"Not surprised, she picked up on archery and working with a whip extremely quickly too. She's talented, and her Sign's strong." Nevaeh started out sounding casual, like being a natural at shooting a bow the very first time was no big deal, but by the time she got to the ending compliment she spoke quickly as if she wanted the words out of her mouth as soon as possible.

Kael made an overly-exaggerated shocked gasping sound and clutched at his chest dramatically, his eyes open wide.

"Nevvie, was that a compliment...for...Jordan? What the deuce is going on around here? Everything's gone to hell – Nev being nice, James losing fights, the newbie being all pro at shit. Frankly, my mind is blown."

"Oh, shut up." There was more sting behind this retort than the last, but it still seemed like her heart wasn't in it.

"Is James back yet?" She asked in a voice which somehow sounded both bored and slightly irritated all at once. Nev seemed to be uniquely talented at mixing emotions I thought were incompatible.

"Nah, he shaid he wash oming back onight, sho tha robably meansh we can expect him at 11:59 or so," Kael mumbled half his reply around a mouthful of grapes from the fruit bowl on the counter and wiped his mouth on his sleeve like a messy child.

Nev gave him a look that perfectly mirrored how a mother would right before chastising a kid for talking with his mouth full before letting out a resigned sigh and stirring the food instead.

"He said he'd be back in time for my training tonight, whenever that is." I debated telling the rest of what I wanted to say, and finally decided it couldn't hurt. "Something was off about him though, like he was upset. He just seemed...different."

What I didn't say was that he had seemed cold, which surprised me considering his actions earlier had almost been begrudgingly friendly, like I was growing on him without his consent.

Nev almost visibly tensed at my mention of James and even without my Gift's aid I felt her jealousy rolling towards me from across the kitchen. Her words during Master which I had almost forgotten crept into my head. James is mine. Her harsh reply broke me from my thoughts.

"I think we'd know better than you how he's feeling, you know, since we actually know him."

Kael cut in at Nev's nasty tone to prevent me from answering in kind.

"He's always moody. I'd only be worried if he was in a good mood, now that's out of character." Kael attempted a chuckle, but when neither Nevaeh nor I joined, he stopped and kept talking.

"If it was something big, he'd let us in on it. He might be captain of the ship, so to speak, but he does fine on his own as well. And he knows to loop us in if he can't handle it alone. He probably just wanted to get away for a little while. We all need to be alone sometimes."

"Like when you ran off to the woods this afternoon." Nevaeh's honey tone was so innocent it was clearly meant to be mocking and I shot a glare at her back I hoped she'd be able to feel.

"I just needed a little fresh air, that's all," I replied through clenched teeth, working hard to not jump at her.

"Well, you don't see me running off to the bathtub every time I'm stressed, now do you?" She replied sweetly.

"I guess my connection to my Sign is just stronger than your-"

"Ookayy!" Kael clapped his hands together as he raised his voice over my unfinished insult, sounding more than a little uneasy. Nev was now turned towards me, her eyes angry slits of emerald in her caramel face.

"Really wishing James was here right about now...or a referee." Kael continued in a semi-sing-song cadence trying to fill the silence of the kitchen with any noise he could think of to prevent us from speaking anymore.

"Your wish is my command," came a smooth, deep voice from behind us. I turned to find James standing in the hallway, mud caked on his shoes and halfway up his calves, his hood pulled up to hide the majority of his face.

He dropped the duffle bag off his shoulder and pulled the sweatshirt up over his head, showing a swath of skin as his shirt stuck to it. I made sure to tear my eyes away before he caught me admiring him. He dropped the sweatshirt with a wet squish on his discarded bag before shaking his messy hair out, spraying water in a large arc around the kitchen and hall. It made him look surprisingly dog-like. Nev leaned over the food to shield it from the water droplets and gave James a dagger-filled glare.

"Raining in the city?" Kael asked in a chipper tone as if the tense thirty seconds before James' appearance had never happened.

James let out a low, breathy laugh like he was cold and pushed his still-damp hair back from his face.

"Not quite."

His answer gave the distinct feeling that his evening had been interesting, but he didn't look like he was planning on extrapolating. Even with James' cryptic answer, Kael groaned as if he had said more in those two words than any of the rest of us had understood.

"You didn't end up in the lake again, man, did you? That shit's nasty. You'll get Ebola or something one of these days, I swear."

James acted playfully offended as he answered. "Why of course not. I only had to do that one time to learn my lesson. I smelled fish for a week. No...it was the river this time." A smirk spread on his face as if he knew Kael would enjoy this piece of information.

"Dude, how do you always end up in some massive body of water every time you go off on one of your damn, crazy adventures?" Kael sounded scolding, but his face was painted with brotherly teasing.

"No one ever expects it, it surprises people, and therefore," James gave a little flourish of his arms and mock-bowed as if introducing something grand, "it is my get-away of choice." His smile was all fox as he came up from his half-bow, his dark lashes stuck together thickly, framing mischievous eyes.

"Who were you running from?" I asked without consciously deciding to.

James turned his attention on me and I felt a little shiver run up my spine. Something was still different, wrong with him and the way he was looking at me.

"The whores, of course." His voice sounded blatantly flirtatious and it left me so surprised I wasn't able to think up a clever reply.

Something was definitely different, his smooth flirtatious manner seemed dangerous, like a trap set to lure someone to their end. Luckily, before the silence dragged on too long making me look slow, James' face took on an interested look and my feelings of being his prey diminished slightly.

"You learned to shut off your Gift? Impressive. I guess you aren't a total failure as a teacher." James said to Kael in a joking tone.

"Oh, come on man, I'm a great teacher, I taught Amb everything she knew."

Kael's demeanor didn't change at all when he mentioned Ambriel. His voice was steady, his movements just as easy-going and calm as ever, even his eyes didn't show a hint of pain. He was so composed I almost believed that he was at peace with her passing, but then I remembered the well of overwhelming sadness I had felt emanating from his mind earlier. I wondered how much of his happy outward behavior was merely an act, a coping mechanism like 'fake it 'til you make it' as my fosters had so often quoted at me when I was in a sour mood.

Kael's controlled actions meant nothing more than the fact that he was as good at hiding his inner workings as James or myself...maybe even better. I was at least beginning to be able to see the cues in James that sometimes pointed me in the right direction, like the muscle in his jaw that jumped when he was working at controlling his emotions, or when his hand would tighten ever so slightly at his side as it flexed as if aching to hit something, or when his eyes would momentarily show more than he wanted to share...

I almost physically shook myself out of my imaginations of James. What was wrong with me? I was appalled that I was acting like some stupid school girl dreaming of her crush. I was suddenly overwhelmed with relief that I was the only one with my particular Gift. I would be mortified if someone was in my head and saw my pathetic obsession. I rejoined the conversation in time to hear Kael praising my achievements from the day.

"She learned archery so well that even Nev threw her a bone and then she found and shut her Gift off in sixty minutes tops, so the fact that the Dust session was so unsuccessful points to you being the shitty teacher." Kael raised his hands as if he was resting his case. "I'm just saying, she did fine with us, so you're the only constant variable of her sucking...just saying." He ended with a satisfied smile, like he knew he had made his point effectively.

"Yeah, what's up with calling me a goldfish?" I was trying for an irritated tone, but it came out teasing and playful and I mentally kicked myself for sounding so flirtatious. I really had to get a handle on whatever these feelings were.

"Well, you were awful at the book practice." He replied in a completely unapologetic tone, standing behind his comment.

"I'm glad you picked up on shutting off your Gift so quickly though. Now you can stay out of my head, I was getting really tired of that." He leaned forward into me as he spoke, clearly invading my personal space and trying to get me to step back. I quickly flipped the switch in my mind and focused all my energy on looking cool and composed as I prepared for the wave of fiery electricity that would hit me.

"You mean this?"

An amused curve played with the corners of James' lips but the emotion I pulled from him broke my concentration and I took a half-step back, confusion on my face.

His face changed into an unhappy mask as soon as I reacted and my Gift was quickly blocked, a cold, hard wall hastily thrown up from his direction. He had his jaw tightened, the telltale muscle standing out in a strong line as if he was concentrating very hard at keeping his block in place. I closed the connection and felt the empty feeling again that meant my Gift was dormant.

"You felt something?" He sounded genuinely surprised.

My confusion swiftly turned to anger. How long had he had these feelings and simply been able to hide them? Suddenly, I realized why he was surprised, my Gift must have slipped past the wall he normally used. I must be getting stronger without knowing it and he hadn't known either until it was too late and I had already felt all that I needed to.

"You can stop blocking me, it's gone." My voice sounded harsh, bitter, but that didn't surprise me. James held my glare for a moment with a hard look before I turned back to the rest of the kitchen.

Nev and Kael were both watching, clearly surprised by how quickly our playful act had turned into something serious and probably confused by what had suddenly changed to make me behave this way. They obviously weren't used to seeing someone act in such a way to their leader, but I couldn't help it, he was so cryptic, so hidden and I had been stupid enough to think I was beginning to understand him, that we were becoming close. But what I'd felt pouring out of him was anything but friendly, it wasn't like the growing feelings of trust and familiarity I had for him.

I had felt a deep suspicion, disappointment, betrayal...disgust? And anger, a heavy, burning, consuming anger underlaced with a cold, murderous determination that actually frightened me. I had never imagined the possibility that he could have such dark, hate-filled feelings for me. That he wanted me dead.

There had been so many glimpses of James that seemed to point to him caring about me, or at least not being the terrible person he tried to make himself out to be. I had been holding onto the hope that he wasn't a monster, only focused on finding the good in him; his playful smirk, the sparkle in his eyes when he was happy even if his mouth didn't show it, his open, honest words earlier that day, his concern when I had been injured, his brotherly affection for Kael. So many flashes of him being good had been stored in my mind, I had ignored all of the glaring contradictions that showed him for what he really was.

There was nothing good in him. It was all just an act to manipulate and trick others. He was like a psychopath who had learned to mimic others' emotions to lull them into thinking he was normal, that he was safe, but I had gotten a peek of who he really was. I had seen under his mask, and now I knew what hid beneath.

Psssst...

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One of our mains dies next chapter.

Shhhh.

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