A/n: TW for MAJOR transphobia, slurs, religious trauma and PTSD. Note I'm not bashing religion here, this is unfortunately a common trans experience especially in the 1800s. I'm also only using the slurs I can reclaim myself as a bi NB for the sake of expressing transphobic comments in a negative light. Girlie is majorly traumatised and I never see anyone delve into it, I'm going to. Also Gender ambiguous reader.

What the reapers often forget about themselves is that they're all undead. Understandably, no one wants to think about their deaths. But unfortunately it was necessary to heal, and overcome whatever it was that lead to your death. Although that was something Grell really struggled with. She took her own life thanks to crushing dysphoria and literal hate crimes she'd faced as a trans woman.

And while the world hadn't quite progressed to the point being trans was seen an normal, research was being done on it. At the very least, people were trying to understand. So the whole topic of Grell's gender became kind of a 'don't bring it up' things among dispatch. She only had three people in her corner.

Othello, who was rather interested in the science behind it and had Grell willingly participate in all his studies about how being trans worked.

Sebastian, surprisingly. He was a shapeshifting demon so he didn't really have a gender himself. He just took on whatever form was needed for his current contract. He could be a girl, boy, androgynous or even something not human at all if he wanted. Gender didn't mean anything to him, so he knew exactly what Grell was and while he had to blend in as a human butler and never really bought it up with her, there was an understanding between the two of them that Sebastian understood.

And you of course. You were rather gender ambiguous yourself so it'd be plain hypocritical of you if you weren't her corner. Since you met, you were trained under her, you'd been inseparable. The only two openly gender ambiguous ones in the whole of dispatch, you were practically made for each other. You were always around each other.

Expect for right now, unfortunately the higher ups dumped extra paperwork on you and you were stuck filling that out while she was out on the field. You were going to catch up with her by lunch though, so all morning she'd worked solo. Finally though, you were due to come by soon, so she waited at the designated spot you'd discussed.

Unsurprisingly, a lot of deaths happened in the sketchier parts of the city. Crime ran rampant and murders and drug overdoses were common in the area, so the reapers were often down there collecting souls. Unfortunately that also meant running into some icky people from time to time.

Grell leaned against the wall by one of the alleyways, waiting for you and flipping through her ledger for the next souls to collect. It was a quiet day, not many people were out and about. The area was pretty religious (and the time period, this IS the 1800s after all) and it was a Sunday, so she figured they were all in church.

Her train of thought was broken when she heard the voice of a man calling out rather slut shamey phrased. She just rolled her eyes, having heard that a lot in his area. It was only when she heard it again she came to the cold realisation it was directed at her.

"What kind of harlot wears their hair down like that, and with trousers!" The man's voice said.

Not only was he slut-shamming but was enforcing toxic gender roles. Woman in Victorian England were told to wear their hair up and under a bonnet when out and about. And they never wore dress pants, only walking skirts and gowns.

She snapped her ledger shut and turned to face him with a scowl. Seeing there were actually three people, a man and what she assumed was his wife and another family member.

"Who are you calling a harlot you decomposing corpse looking-" she snapped.

Before she could finish, the man gasped over-dramatically in shock upon hearing her voice. Her voice that handy quite hit the 'feminine' vocal range yet.

"A man?! What kind of sinful homosexual cult are you recruiting for?" He said.

Grell seethed in silence for a moment, half expecting a man like this to start being transphobic.

"I'm not a man thank you! Some woman just have deeper voices. What kind of man are you to be talking down on lone ladies in the street? In front of your family no less! Pathetic, disgusting" Grell snapped.

"Your kind shouldn't be on the streets! We know your demon possessed goals to harm our children, Tranny"

Grell wanted to whip out her scythe and slice him right here and now, but no. Not only was he not in the ledger, she'd be seen as the 'psycho trans person' if she hurt the cis man.

"Fuck just leave me alone, I wasn't doing anything. You approached me to slut shame and as soon as you hear my voice you switch to transphobia? Vile, a pathetic excuse for a man you are" Grell snapped.

"Don't you talk to my husband that way you freak" the wife stepped in.

"Tell your husband to keep his crusty ass out of other peoples lives!"

"You're going to hell, god hates peoples like you"

Grell just snickered in anger, god? What god? She WAS a god. She was a reaper.

"Oh darling you don't know the first thing about god" Grell shook her head.

"I'm sure you know a lot about the devil with your sinful lifestyle" the man taunted.

Now she was just getting more and more irritated, she'd told them to fuck off and they were STILL harassing her.

"Oh I know the devil, and he's a lot closer to you human than you think. Watch out for a tall, raven haired, dashing man in a tail coat. He's much more polite than you lot. If anyone of sinning here it's you, harassing people on the street for just existing? What happened to love thy neighbour? What happened to all those lines in your precious book that tell of your beloved JC standing up for the poor, sex workers, the homeless huh? You can't pick and choose" Grell seethed.

"How dare you insinuate we're sinners? We're nothing like your sex crazed, body mutilating, perverts" The wife snapped.

That was it, she was done with this. All he was doing was waiting patiently for her partner without even looking in these peoples direction and now she was being harassed. Just for existing. She'd unfortunately dealt with this before, and the longer it went on the more it worked her up. The more it bought back old memories and re-opened wounds.

"JUST FUCK OFF! GET YOUR BIBLE FUCKING BIGOTRY AWAY FROM ME!" She yelled.

"DON'T YELL AT MY WIFE THAT WAY!" The man replied.

"THEN GO AWAY YOU FREAKS! STOP HARASSING ME FOR EXISTING!"

It happened so quickly she didn't have time to react, as fast as the words left her mouth she felt a harsh sting across the side of her face and she stumbled back a bit. Did this motherfucker just hit her?

"Excuse me? Did you actually just-" she began.

"Keep your mouth shut sinner, or I'll turn you into a fag and set you alight" the man snapped.

It as that phrase that set something off in her. That word, that fucking word. She couldn't count how many times she'd been called that. Everyone just saw her as an effeminate man, not a woman. That was bad enough, but the fact she was attacked either way always made her loose faith in humanity. She just can't catch a break, no matter who she was or what she looked and sounded like.

She felt her eye start to well up, and in her state of stunned silence she must have seemed weak. Because the man bought his foot up and took the chance to kick her square in the stomach. Sending her tumbling back into the bricks and hitting the back of her head.

That word, the hit, the pain. It bought everything back, the day she died. The attack she'd suffered mere hours before she couldn't handle living anymore and ended everything.

It just came rushing back.

She froze, tears streaming down her cheeks smudging her mascara. She was in such a daze she didn't even notice that you'd finally showed up.

"HEY! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING DICKHEAD!" You screeched, having seen Grell go down as you'd rounded the corner to meet up with her.

"That THING is insulting my wife!" The man snapped.

"THING? What are you a lunatic? That's NO WAY to treat a WOMAN. Get your privileged assed out of here, you're late for your dick sucking appointment with your beloved god. GET LOST OR I'LL SET YOU ALIGHT, BREEDERS!" you threatened.

Maybe it was the fact you had your scythe on you that made you seem more threatening, but they backed away and finally left. You turned to Grell who still seemed dazed and clearly distraught. No doubt that hit had triggered the worst parts of her life to resurface and in an attempt to stop herself from getting intense flashbacks, her brain has disassociated.

You approached her carefully to not startle her, gently taking her hands as she hyperventilated and choked on her tears.

"Hey... let's go somewhere else" you said.

She just nodded, allowing you to scoop her up and use your abilities as a reaper to jump onto the rooftops and hide away from everyone else.

You sat with her against a chimney, making sure she wasn't bleeding or concussed. Luckily she managed to make it out out with only some bruises. For a while you just sat there, gently rubbing her arm to try and calm her.

"(Y/n)" she finally spoke up.

"Yeah?"

"I died trying to escape this. And I only end up in the exact same position... is there no way to escape it? Am I cursed to live like this forever? In a body that isn't mine, being assaulted for existing, being told I'm a filthy sinner going to hell? As if I'm not already dead because of all the shit people like that did to me? What did I do? What did I do to deserve all this?" She sobbed.

Fuck, you wanted to chase down and bludgeon anyone that had ever hurt her, you hated seeing her in so much pain.

"Grell, listen to me. You are above people that that, you understand gender on a much more complex level than they ever will. Their willing ignorance, their stupidity is why they lash out at you. You haven't done anything wrong, you exist as a trans woman and that ok, that's normal. Some people are trans and bigots just have to live with it. Cope and seethe with it. You are innocent here, you've done nothing to deserve this. The world is a cruel fucking place, but it has its wonders too. One day there'll be surgeries for people like you, and medical care for all the hormonal stuff. You're lucky you're immoral now, because you get to live to see that happen and be the first one in the doctors office to get that procedure. I know it's hard, but you have to stick it out" you explained.

She knew you were right, there'd be ways she could bodily transition in the future. Othello was working on it, some human doctors were looking into it, it'd happen eventually. She just had to hold on a little longer. But it was the discrimination that made it so hard to hang on, and the crushing dysphoria. She couldn't even escape it with death because she was already dead. 

"I don't know how much longer I can hold on. One of these days I'm going to take my scythe and cut everything off" she sighed.

"I know it's hard, but don't do that. You'll obliterate chances of getting the best pussy the world had seen surgically built into you" you replied, trying it lighten the mood.

She snickered, wiping her tears and makeup stains from her cheeks.

"I better have the biggest tits and best pussy for all the shit I've been through" she giggled.

"Girl I promise you I'll be drooling over your tits when you get them"

"If you're a well behaved reaper maybe I'll let you bury your face in them"

Mood lifted a little with the jokey comments, she sighed and sat up straight, adjusting her messed up outfit.

"Even if the world is full of hypocritical, faith blind, bigots... at least you see me for who I am" she said.

"Exactly, you'll always have me. And I know for a goddamn fact you are a girl. The prettiest girl there is and the first girl soul reaper in dispatch, that's a pretty big feat even if the higher ups are a bitch about it" you replied.

"I better get some goddamn respect for that in the future, I'm paving the way here"

"I'll strange anyone who doesn't respect you. I know the world fucking sucks Grell, but to me you're the only woman that matters. You are divine femininity in the flesh, a goddess"

She smiled, giving you a softened gaze. You always knew how to make her feel better, she could always come crying to you and you'd be there to help her.

"I love you... you know that? You're the only one that truly understands darling" She said.

"I love you too, if I had the time and money I'd make you my bride you're such a beautiful woman" you replied.

"If you keep that language up I might have to kiss you"

"Well I guess I better keep it up then..."