TW: suicidal ideation

"You kids, always getting into trouble." I never hated his condescending tone more than I did right then.

"Can you please just fix it?" I asked Mr. Forkle. "I can't deal with this right now on top of everything else. I already have the fake kidnapping thing going on. I'm going to be getting harassed in the streets if people think this is true, that I'm just dating Keefe for his fame." He sighed. I always hated that sigh. It made me feel like he didn't actually care about me, even though he was like a grandpa to me. Like he felt obliged to take care of me just becases he worked with my dad, but he didn't actually want to.

"I'll see what we can do." Then he hung up. He always has to hang up so abruptly.

I put my phone down next to where I was curled up at the foot of my bed. My arms were wrapped around my knees tight enough to the point that my legs were uncomfortably bent. I tried to take deep breaths, stop all the feelings before they caught up and overwhelmed me, but it didn't work.

Hey Sophie, long time no see.

I'd never thought there was a downside to photographic memory, or whatever upgraded version I had, until I realized how vivid the bad memories were. And how much my brain just loved to replay them. Over and over and over.

Also Sophie, I heard about what happened to you.

I can't imagine what you must've gone through. I'm just glad you're okay now.

Until I break.

Once it starts, I can't make it stop. It's like a never ending flood of everything and nothing. I feel too much, but also I don't feel anything. These emotions feel fake, I'm forcing myself to feel them because it's what I should feel. What I should be going through. But when I realize that, it just makes it all that much worse. It's like the emotions become real, like I'm suddenly snapped back into reality.

I gasp as the world spins around me, releasing my knees to slam my palms on the ground, steadying myself. I was dizzy for no reason, at least until I realized I hadn't been breathing. I didn't even know when I stopped. It hurt to start again.

I'm a big fan.

And that wink. That wink. He knew what he was doing to me, he knew I didn't tell Keefe. He knew I would listen to him, because he wasn't in jail yet. I should've told someone, but it's too late now. It's too late, he'll come back. My friends will turn against me. Biana and Fitz will pick family over me, they already did. Fitz already did, when he didn't believe me when I called him. They would never believe me.

I gently lowered myself to lay on my side as my room began to turn and tilt. I was breathing, but too much. I couldn't slow it down though, couldn't get enough air. It felt like my lungs weren't working with me anymore, like they were just doing whatever they could to hurt me more than I already was.

I'll hopefully be seeing you real soon.

He's coming for me. I can't go back, I won't go back. I can't survive that again, I can hardly survive this after-stage. It's too hard to be here, too hard to continue on like nothing happened, adjust like everyone wants me to. And things just keep getting worse and worse, piling on top of me and I can't fight it. I can't beat it.

I'm not okay, I'm not okay. I want to scream it, I want to tell everyone, let everyone hear my pain, see my struggle. But I can't get the words out. I can't get to my mom, only a floor below me. I can't make any noise besides a slight release of air. Besides the panting from my too-fast lungs.

Everyone's moving on without me, they're getting past the trauma and the pain, they're healing. So why can't I? Why can't I keep up, why can't I just be normal, why does everything in my life have to go wrong? Why can't I be happy for once, why can't I catch a break? Why can't I get past this?

I feel like I'm still ten, still stuck in that closet. Watching as my parents die, but not moving. Stuck there, stuck as time passes, and lives move on, as people die, as tragedy happens. I'm still just in that closet, watching. Watching my body move, watching as my arms get under me. Watching as my breathing evens out with a yawn that stops the crying. Crying I didn't even know was happening. I watched from the outside as I stumbled down the stairs, tripping with my blurred vision.

"Sophie?" I heard my mom ask as I slammed into the corner of the wall. Wherever I was, whatever was going on, it was like I stepped back into my body at her voice. It still didn't feel quite real though. More like watching through a lense. Watching a movie, but my eyes are the screen.

"Oh sweetie, come here." I fell into her arms as the crying started anew. I felt her pull me to the couch, supporting my body entirely as my panic washed over me again.

"Help me." I was hardly able to whisper the words into her shoulder, but she still heard it. "Please mom."

"I'm right here, Soph. Right here." She tilted my head up until I was looking at her. "You see me. I'm right here, right in front of you."

I'll hopefully be seeing you real soon.

What if killing my parents and sister wasn't enough? What if they come after my new family, my friends? I already hurt Dex, he got hurt because of me. He almost died because of me. I can't live like this. I can't live in this constant fear. In this pain, in these overwhelming feelings.

Too much. It's all too much. I just want it to end.

"I'm sorry, baby, I'm sorry." My mom cried, holding me tighter. I didn't realize I said the last part out loud. "I'm right here. I want to help you. We all love you and we're all here to help you. I know this is all more terrible than I could've possibly imagined, but you're so strong. Just keep fighting. We're all fighting with you, all here with you."

I'm sick of fighting, so sick of fighting. I just wanted to be free for once. Be happy without consequences. I don't want to fight, not anymore.

I slumped heavier into my mom's arms, letting her keep me up as any fight, any emotions, drained out of me. I felt empty, overwhelmingly quiet without all those harsh emotions. I still was watching through the lense, detached.

"I've got you, I've got you. We'll figure this out, okay? Together, we'll get past this." I hardly had the energy to nod. It was like everything had left. Every bit of strength and feelings. I wasn't sad to see it gone, but the emptiness that remained wasn't welcome.

My mom tucked my hair behind my ear, kissing the top of my head gently. I startled out of her arms when my phone rang from where it was forgotten in the pocket of Keefe's sweatpants, which I had completely forgotten I'd been wearing. I wish I could go back and react differently. Worry about him instead of making it all about myself.

I picked it up slowly, noticing some sort of feelings slowly come back when I saw the called ID.

Lord Hunkyhair.

I pulled away from my mom the rest of the way, sitting up and swiping to answer.

"We've got it all figured out, Foster. You don't have to worry about a single thing. My parents are fully on your side, and they even support our relationship! It's more for their benefit than our's, but it's still something." I wiped the tears from my eyes, feeling my happiness match his.

"That's great." I mentally cursed myself immediately for my sniffly and nasally voice. From the way Keefe went silent for a moment, I knew he noticed.

"Do you want to talk about it?" That was something major I loved about him. It was never 'Are you okay?' or 'What's wrong?' Instead, he just asked if I felt like talking about it. Unless we were alone, I almost never did.

"Not right now. Tell me more, tell me everything that happened." The couch shifted slightly as my mom stood up, leaning over to kiss my head then walking away. I knew she was still worried, especially with how we left it, but she would give me my space until I was free, and until I felt like talking about it again. I just couldn't believe everything I let slip, everything I didn't even realize I was feeling until right in that moment.

Keefe explained to me how his talk with his parents went, how there would be statements sent out defending not only our relationship, but also my kidnapping.

"Thank you." I whispered into the phone when he was finished.

"It wasn't even me, Foster, it was my parents. And you know I'd do anything to help you." I smiled, forgetting that he couldn't see it.

I took a second, then two, to breathe. I need to take this chance, apologize.

"I'm sorry." I blurted quickly before he could say anything in my silence. "For how I acted earlier. I was entirely focused on myself, I should've been worrying about you more." I tucked myself into the pillows in the corner of the couch, wrapping my arm that wasn't holding my phone tightly around myself.

"Don't apologize, Soph, this all is so much worse for you than me. For me it's just the dating allegations, and even then it would be a million times worse for you than me." I froze at the nickname. Soph.

I couldn't stop hearing Alvar's voice. Keefe had pulled me out of my breakdown for a few moments, but I felt it wash back over me.

And even worse to hear that name, that voice, come out of Keefe's mouth. From his number.

Alvar knew. He knew he could reach me at any time now, and I think he also wanted to toy with me. Having Keefe with me right then.

It was nice seeing you guys, too. And I'll hopefully be seeing you real soon.

He knows what Keefe means to me. He wasn't just threatening me, he was threatening Keefe. What if the Neverseen comes after him? I can't stop them, I can't even get my stupid powers-

"Foster?" My attention quickly snapped back to Keefe.

"Yeah?"

"You weren't responding. Are you sure you don't want to talk?"

"I'm just... stressed. Sorry. I've gotta go, love you."

"Love you too." He said, but I could hear the suspicion laced in his voice. "Are we still on for lunch tomorrow?"

"Yeah, bye."

"Bye." I hit the red End button quickly, sighing as my phone shut off. I didn't want to explain to Keefe how broken I am yet. I don't want to scare him off.

My eyes snapped to my screen as it flashed on with a message in the bottom. I looked at it, my eyes glazing with fear as I read the text.

Unknown: midnight. meet me at the cave. come alone or your prince is dead. tell anyone, your cousin is too

I turned it off quickly, turning my attention to a spot on the wall as I heard footsteps approach.

I'll hopefully be seeing you real soon.

I didn't think he'd actually do something about it, not so quickly. 

"I've got chocolate?" My mom offered, holding out a bag of some candy brand. She sat down on the couch next to where my feet were. "If you want to keep talking, we can. Or, we can watch something."

"Watch something." I said, instantly feeling better as she turned on one of my favorite scary movies. It didn't have the same vibe watching it in the middle of the summer, but I still loved it just as much, and helped me forget about the message.

I went to get ready for bed after that, even though it was early and I hadn't had dinner. I didn't have much of an appetite anyway. I let my mom tuck me in and shut off the lights, then set an alarm for eleven. I wanted to have time to prepare and get there, make a plan first. But I couldn't even think straight at this moment because I was so exhausted from the day's events.

Very quickly, I drifted off to sleep.

~~~

I jolted awake to the blaring of my alarm. It wasn't loud, at least not enough for my parents to hear, but it was the very painful kind, like nails on a chalkboard.

I sat up, getting out a notebook and pen to start scheming. First, I need to figure out what they could possibly want.

Kidnapping me again is definitely a major option. I wrote it in all upper case, underlining and circling it several times. I shoved down any thoughts and feelings that came with it, moving on instead.

They could want to kill me, for killing one of them—Umber. I also didn't let myself linger too long there, writing down Powers next. They know that their experiments worked, they could want to test it, learn more, use it. Branching off of that, I wrote Brainwash. I didn't know if they could or not, since Alvar claimed they brainwashed him but he had actually been part of the Neverseen the whole time.

My next idea was the journal. They'd taken it, though, so I don't know what they'd need me for. Maybe it said something in it, something about my powers or some way to unlock something else.

I groaned and rubbed my temples, trying to dispel the growing migraine. I'd been getting more of those since being saved. Maybe it came with the powers, maybe it was stress and trauma, or it was probably all of the above.

I stood up and got dressed in leggings and a hoodie—dark colors, of course—and grabbed some supplies. A hammer (I don't even know why it was in my room), a sharp rock (again, don't know where that came from), along with some other potential weapons. I began to sneak down the hall, almost to the stairs, when I heard crying from my parents' bedroom. I stopped, my worry for them overtaking anything else.

"I don't know what to do." I heard my mom say in between sobs.

"We'll figure this out. We booked her a therapy appointment as soon as we got her back, you know it's not our fault that the closest one available was next week. But now she'll be getting help, be able to talk to someone who will help her get better."

"But she needs help now. You didn't hear her talking earlier." They paused for a second, but I still stood there. I felt awful. I never wanted to worry my parents, not like this. I'd put them through so much, after they'd already gone through enough before me.

"I can't help her." My mom eventually continued. "And it kills me, I've always been able to help her. But she was crying to me and all I could do was sit there and listen. I couldn't even help her calm down, that was Keefe. I've never been more helpless in my entire life. What kind of mom am I if I can't even help my daughter stop crying, help her want to live."

The best mom. She was the best mom I could've possibly asked her. It took all my restraint to not barge in there and tell her that. But if I did that... they'd all die.

I left as the crying intensified. I couldn't stand being there without reassuring her that all I needed earlier was for her to listen, for her to be there. She did exactly what I needed, but was guilty it wasn't enough. The only reason I even opened up to her was because of all she's done for me. All the times she's been there, the way she never pushed my boundaries. After I was adopted, she waited for me to come to her. She did everything she possibly could, asking what I wanted for dinner, asking about my day, letting me pick movies or if I wanted to go out and do something that day. But she never pushed me. She did everything perfectly. It hurt me so much to hear her think she wasn't the absolute greatest mom.

I took a deep breath at the top of the stairs, shaking off any thoughts outside of what needed to be done. I'll make sure my mom knows how much I appreciate her tomorrow, but right now I have to make sure Keefe and Dex live. And me too.

I make it down to the kitchen, grabbing a few knives and trying to find some way to store them so that they wouldn't cut my clothes or bag. I grabbed the sharpest and biggest ones, along with hiding a few smaller ones as a last resort in case things go to shit.

I get in my car, thankful that it was parked on the street, and turn it on. I sit there for a moment, then check the time. 11:43. And a text from Keefe.

how're you feeling?

Me: better, thanks. you?

Lord Hunkyhair: good, my parents came to talk to me about the "seriousness of the relationship." basically they want to make sure we're staying G rated.

Me: little do they know...

He sent a laughing emoji, making me smile. It faded when I saw a new text.

Unknown: on your way? or too busy flirting with someone who is very close to being dead?

I threw my phone in the passenger seat, and started driving. It wasn't too far to the cave, but it felt like forever. I got a sick feeling in my gut, this weird emptiness in my chest. I don't want to go back there.

But I made myself. Parked my car in the exact same place, even. I pulled out one of the big knives, took a deep breath, and headed towards the figures in the darkness.

I'll hopefully be seeing you real soon.

I'll be seeing you real soon, too. This time, I'm more prepared. This time, I'm not letting him hurt anyone else.

Another chapter done! also i just love neverseen drama and whatnot so you get some more of that. i hope you liked it, and i hope you've had good holidays and new years or whatever. bye!

Avery, out ->

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