TW: talk of suicide, dead friend

"It doesn't feel right. Being here right now." My head bolted up in shock. I had zoned out, not noticing when my friends started to speak. I hadn't even realized I walked into ECV, much less up the stairs to the loft, or putting on my knee pads and sleeves. I attempted to tune in, noticing Brisa nodding along with Rayni's words.

"Sophie wasn't really at many practices because of getting hurt, but it still feels wrong to play and get ready without her with us."

"It doesn't make sense." Those four words were the first one's I'd said all day. I had moved through my morning sluggishly. I didn't even take the time to properly do my hair or grab my new knee pads, grabbing the ones with big holes without even thinking. I hadn't even eaten breakfast, or responded to my mom when she told me to "have a good day." Sophie being the topic was the only thing that could get me to talk since she died. She was the only thing I wanted to talk about. It seemed weird to me, usually someone would be avoiding what they're grieving, but all I wanted to do was think about her, talk about her, talk to her like she was still with me. I missed her so much.

"She was always so happy." I continued. "Happy people don't kill themselves without any reason." They all looked shocked that I just went out and said that. I had said those exact same lines to someone else almost every single day, trying to get somebody to give me a new answer, the reason why it happened.

Everyone in my group thought—knew, that she wouldn't have killed herself. Even if she was just having a rough few days. Then there were also the texts. They had to mean something. Some sort of clue. Whoever was on the other side was watching her. They had to have killed her. It wasn't a suicide. Sophie wouldn't kill herself. She'd come to me. I know she would.

"Maybe she wasn't happy on the inside." Irja suggested. "My cousin was the happiest guy in the world, but he actually had really bad depression and killed himself." She said it so nonchalantly, I grimaced at her carefree tone. I could tell, after knowing her for so long, that she was just pushing down her emotions so she wouldn't react so strongly, but it was still so off putting to hear her talking about people she cared about dying like it was the weather. Rayni seemed to feel the same, sending a small glare to the redhead.

"Can we talk about something else?" Juji's quiet voice asked. "I don't wanna have to go cry in the bathroom before practice." We all nodded and I gently squeezed her arm, giving her a small smile. Juji's always been the most sensitive of the group, an easy crier, so she'd been crying just as much as Sophie's own family. As much as Keefe, as much as me. 

"Have you guys started studying for tests yet?" Brisa asked. "I know it's still over a month away, but my mom is making me study for an hour every night because I almost failed last year."

Rayni laughed. I didn't know how she did that. How her and Brisa were able to immediately change the subject, and be happy. Once I start thinking about Sophie, I can't stop. "Honestly, just come to Exillium at that point. It's a trash school, but we don't have the tests or the pressure to be perfect." Brisa's mouth gaped open.

"My parents would kill me if I got kicked out of Foxfire!" I nodded my head in agreement. I loved Foxfire, but there was so much pressure to be smart, keep passing all of your tests, not get kicked out. Almost every student there got some sort of anxiety after their first year. It was even worse now, because I had to worry about tests, and worry about what happened to Sophie.

"I'll probably start studying in May, I'm honestly too lazy to start now." Juji joked. I was surprised she was able to make the switch to happy so quickly, but I decided to try, too.

"Same." I agreed.

"Well since I don't have to do any of that boring studying," Rayni said, "my parents are taking me to visit my grandparents the first week of May."

"Okay, but think of all the tourists." Brisa argued. I hated how many tourists were always in Paris. Granted we were considered tourists too, but pretty much everyone in Eternalia had been there at least twice. We were pretty close by so it was a necessary spot to visit. "I'd rather be studying."

"But I won't have to go to practice." We all agreed after that. Now don't get me wrong, I love volleyball with all my heart, I just love complaining about practice more. It's the same for all of us, especially Sophie.

My smile immediately dropped and guilt filled me. How could I forget about her, even just for a minute?

The others continued to talk, but I saw Brisa look over at me and notice. Her smile dropped a little too before coming back up. It was way too forced.

"How's Alvar?" She asked. I didn't feel like laughing, but I appreciated her trying to cheer me up. Almost all of my friends at some point had gotten a crush on one of my older brothers. I had to get used to it.

"I don't know, he's at college right now. He didn't text or call last night, he might've died. I'll ask my mom if she's heard from him when I get home." What if something happened to him too? He always would call us at night, or at least text a goodnight. What if I lost both my best friend and my favorite brother?

I wanted to cry, I wanted to freak out, but practice was starting so I just sucked it up instead. I was getting kind of good at that, at least from the outside. I could freak out afterwards, but I couldn't just throw my life away for fear. If I wanted to keep my spot on the team this year and in future years, I had to actually be committed, no matter how hard it was.

All of practice was a blur, including until I got home. I went to find my mom immediately. Even if he hadn't called or texted me, he'd at least say something to mom. She'd yell at him until he couldn't hear if he didn't.

"Mom?" I called out, rushing to her yoga room when I heard her response. I opened the door and saw her right in her usual spot, middle of the wooden floor and facing the mirror wall. She had a song from Taylor Swift's Folklore album playing.

"Hi honey!" She greeted, doing one of her complicated poses on her mat that took way too much balance for the average person. Good thing I'd been doing yoga with her since I was born. "Want to join me?"

I grabbed my favorite purple mat and dragged it next to hers. I was still in my volleyball leggings, which were the same type I wore for yoga. I set my hands on the ground, then the top of my head, and lifted my body up.

"How was practice?" My mom asked.

"It was good. It was really nice to see the girls again. I don't know why I missed so much practice, I could only focus on the ball once I was on the court. It was a nice change. Anyways, I was wondering if Alvar texted or called you last night? He always at least texts me but he didn't." My mom lowered herself and I followed her lead, moving to a simple pigeon pose. She turned her head to me, looking a little upset but mostly unbothered.

"No, he wasn't going to text me I don't think. But I texted him first then he responded. He said he was out late with friends and came home tired. If I'm being honest," her voice turned to a whisper, as if we weren't the only ones in the room, "I think he was out drinking, and I do intend to interrogate him when he comes home over the summer." Her grin turned devilish. I always liked that side of my mom, the one that liked to tell me drama that she probably shouldn't. Like who's having an affair with who at the book club that takes place at the bookstore she owns.

"Oh okay." That made me feel a little bit better, but I was still hurt. He ended up texting mom anyways, why couldn't he text me? He wasn't hurt, though. It could be worse. It could always be worse.

"How's Juji doing?" My mom had known all those girls for forever, since we started volleyball. So she also knew how emotional Juji was.

"Basically how you'd expect. She's been crying a lot, I can tell. She wanted us to change the subject, so we did, and then she was fine." My mom nodded and switched to bending a leg while reaching for the foot of her other. I copied her.

"And how're you doing?" She didn't face me, which I was glad for, but she could still see me in the mirror. I hated when people asked if I was okay, but I needed to hear my mom say it. She was the one person I'd actually respond to.

I looked down at my lap then back up to my mom, tears threatening to spill over. "I don't know." I whispered. "People always say that they wouldn't want their loved ones crying and obsessing over them when they're gone, but I can't help but do that. I miss her. I don't want her to be gone." I started crying, knowing my nose was about to start running. "It hurts so bad."

A physical kind of pain, a gaping hole in my body that I felt all the time. Before Sophie, no one I had loved had died. She was the first. And if she actually killed herself, if she chose to leave us... that hurt more than anything. Like I wasn't enough to save her. I couldn't possibly imagine how bad it was for her family if it was that bad for me.

"I know it hurts, sweetie. And I'm sorry, but it's going to keep hurting. It always will. But it will get better, I promise. It will get easier, and you'll learn to live with the pain. And you don't have to stop crying about her until you're ready. What she really wouldn't want is you bottling up your emotions because you think you're not allowed to feel and express your emotions."

I moved over and hugged my mom. I wrapped my arms tight around her and muffled my sniffling in her shoulder, but eventually my sobs got so loud that it was useless. She just sat there with me, gently rubbing my back and the back of my head.

I'd never been one to cry for long, I physically wasn't capable, but I still felt guilty when I stopped so soon. Did it mean I didn't care enough, when I couldn't even cry for more than a few minutes over the death of my best friend?

"Why did she leave?" I whispered with my hiccuping cries. "Why weren't we enough for her?"

"I don't know, sweetie, I just don't know. And we might never know, unless she wrote a note. But I know for a fact that it had nothing to do with you, or her family. She wouldn't do this to them without good reason. I just have to think that whatever was going on, it was so much stronger than the love she had from her friends and family, and it overpowered her." She pulled back from me and put my face in her hands, staring deep into my eyes to get her point across. "I can assure you, you are not at all to blame. You ar-were, an amazing friend to her. If anything, you probably kept her alive longer, if this was something she'd been dealing with for a long time." I nodded, thanked and hugged her, then left for my room.

It didn't really help to hear basically that there was nothing I could've done to keep Sophie alive, but I knew where my mom was coming from. She was just trying to help.

I didn't think anything could help me, though. Not unless Sophie could magically come back and all my pain would disappear.

i really hope that this one was sad. ngl i feel kinda weird bc i was writing the part of biana and della while listening to nickelback... it really didn't fit the vibe but that's okay. also this chapter takes place i think the day after the last part of the last one, just so you know the timing. hope you liked it!

Avery, out ->

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