Chapter 6

Waking up is the hardest part of the day for me. It feels like I'm glued down to the bed, with no motivation to get up.

Some days I think I'm lazy, but the truth is I'm just depressed. Whenever I say it out loud, I cringe. I hate that I've lost control of myself. I hate that I'm not a ble to identify myself whenever I look in the mirror. It's like looking at a stranger, and I think that's the scariest thing in life. Not knowing who you are.

Depression will break you into tiny pieces. It will break your confidence, self esteem, your soul, and everything that makes you , well, you. During that dark period you will start to lose yourself slowly, then all at once . All the things that you do and did as a daily routine will start to feel like a chore. Life to me nowadays is an ongoing series of chores.

I get of bed with dread in my chest because my science and technology class starts in half an hour. I feel as if I am a wind up toy that performs the same motions day in and day out, until the wind up runs out. And I'm waiting for that endless twist.

***

It turns out Chris and I have the same morning class. We're right on time, running up a couple rows to take our seats, as the professor lays his briefcase on his desk. It's like the class is an enormous baseball stadium, and his desk was the field that we look down on.

"I heard this guy is a hard ass , " Chris whispers to me, shifting uneasily in his seat.

"It's the first day," I say, "Don't worry about it."

"I'm your professor, Mr. Johnson. I think you're all old enough to know, no cell phones in class. After all , it is your education , " he announces.

One of the many reasons as to why I'm so stressed out is because of grades. Every exam I'm pressured to get a decent mark. A sheet containing many questions, a sheet that my future is depending on, a sheet that will either lead me to be a successful and wealthy man or lead me to a pub. How can they put so much weight on us? Than expect us to come out fine?

Truth is, the government doesn't give two shits about where we end up. The ones who make it are praised in this society, the others are underachievers.

"Dude, are you even listening?" Chris says , waking me up from my thoughts.

Jumping up in surprise, I reply, "What did he say?"

"Our first exam is in four days."

"What? Four days?" I shriek.

Realizing everyone's eyes are on me from that sudden outburst, I slowly shrugged into my seat.

"Is there a problem?" Mr. Johnson calls out.

Yeah , there's a big problem. Four days isn't enough time for us to have an exam. The semester just began, what are we even studying? This exam is going to jeopardize my grades, which will a ffect my future, later affecting my children and grandchildren.

I cough clearing my throat, "No, sir. Sorry , " I say, holding up a hand in apology.

The rest of the period I spent agonizing over how I'm going to pass with a decent grade in this class. I'm too overwhelmed with everything going on in my life, that it becomes so hard to focus, especially on school work. I let my subconscious fill me with negative thoughts.

Who in this world is successful without education?

Nobody.

Without money, you are nothing.

I know.

Your parents knew you would fail in life.

Tell me something I don't know...

The bell went off, and I look around lost and in confusion. "Did you write down the notes?" Chris asks throwing his backpack around him.

"Notes? No , can I borrow yours?" I was worrying about the exam the whole class, I wasn't even paying attention.

"I didn't take any , " Chris tells me.

"What? Why didn't you take any?" My voice getting a little louder in slight hysteria.

"I'm going to drop this class. An exam in four days? This guy's out of his mind , " Chris complains . Even though Chris has a reason to drop this class, I feel a little disappointed in his decision. I'm going to be left alone.

We met up with Brett and Mason for our twenty-five minute break. It's a nice and sunny day, so it ' s reasonable as to why they're meeting up outside. We sit on a large white park bench table near the campus.

"Pledges, welcome , " Brett says opening his arms, inviting us to sit. I would usually insist on him calling me by my name, but I'm mentally and emotionally drained.

I'm afraid if I say anything , the words will come out negative and my dark energy will pass on to others.

I act like such a happy person, but deep down, I'm not.

"So, what's new?" Brett asks taking a bite out of his poutine," You guys want some fries?"

"No , thanks , " Chris replies politely.

"What a gentleman , " Mason teases Chris.

"Chris, you're a part of brotherhood now, no need to be so friendly." Brett laughs. I eat silently as I listen to Brett and Mason brag about how many girls they've slept with because they're in a fraternity.

"Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed , " Brett says , staring at me. I shrug in reply and continue eating.

"He's stressing about an exam we have in our Science and technology class. That's in four days, might I add, " Chris speaks . I didn't want to get into it, so I decide to ignore Chris.

"Mr. Johnson?" Brett questions.

"Yeah! You have him this semester?" Chris asks.

Brett leans in closer, "He used to be up my ass big time. Little advice? Don't mention you're in a fraternity."

"Just copy notes from Mindy. A guaranteed pass right there. She's genius, at least that's what Brett and I do to pass , " Mason comments.

"Mindy?" I speak up, interested in who this girl is.

"Yeah, all the guys ask her for notes. Only if you're lucky to be in one of her classes," Mason smirks, "Also known as Brett's purse."

"Brett has a purse? I knew he wasn't into girls , " a familiar voice laughs. I look up and see Sarah standing next to Jamie , oh shit , Jamie's probably mad from last night. Brett rolls his eyes at Sarah's snarky comment.

"Jamie," Mason smiles, "Sarah , " he says dryly, offering them both a seat.

Everyone was making small talk, I didn't want to seem anti- social so I smile at them. Jamie wasn't looking my way, I hope she's not mad. I just need a chance to explain. I barely know her but I can't stop thinking about last night, if I didn't get kicked out, what would have happened between us? There she was centimeters away from me, still oblivious that I was staring. I watched her as she tucked her hair behind her ears.

"Where have you been the past week? You haven't stopped by the house , " Mason asks Jamie. I look at Jamie waiting for her response. She stops by the house? For what? I don't know, and I don't care, this could be my opportunity to explain last night to her. She shrugs awkwardly, like Mason asked a sensitive question. What's the big deal?

Brett quickly changes the subject, "I'm going to throw out my trash, Holden you want me to throw that out for you?" I 'm surprised Brett would even ask. He always lectured us on how we do chores for him, not the other way around. Though he did look like he wanted to escape , for whatever reason that was. I hand him my wrappers.

I thought at the mention of my name, Jamie would finally acknowledge my presence at the table. She didn't even flinch, was she pretending to not notice me?

"I almost forgot... I need to go talk to Mr. Johnson about the class I missed. I partied too hard last night, I accidentally slept in." She quickly grabs her bags.

"You're in Mr. Johnson's class too?" I ask with joy in my eyes.

"Oh , look who decided to speak to me again after standing me up last night." Jamie snaps at me.

"I can explain, it w- , " Jamie cuts me off.

"I've heard it all before." She rolls her eyes and walks off.

Well , now I'm sure that Jamie hates me. I feel my heart sink into my chest. Finding out Jamie hates me ma kes my day double worse than it already is. Great.