january thirtieth.

jungkook looked down at his wrists. they were bare for the first time in weeks, empty of the gauze that was acting as a safety blanket for him. every time the nurse would change the bandages, jungkook would avert his eyes, and each time he showered, he made an effort not to set his gaze on them even once. he could hardly bear to look at them, but he didn't really have a choice at the moment.

"okay, this might sting a little! but don't worry, you seem like a tough guy!" dr. song said, too peppy for jungkook's liking as per usual. "if you're squeamish, you might want to look away." jungkook nodded. everything in his being was screaming for him to look away, but his muscles wouldn't listen.

he watched painstakingly as song brought his scissors closer and closer to his left wrist, snipping the knots at either end of the jagged line jungkook had slashed into his wrist. his brain was practically having an aneurysm trying to tell his body to look away as the doctor's fingers grabbed hold of the end of the freshly cut string and pulled. jungkook felt an odd tugging sensation as the stitches gradually disappeared, weaving in and out of his skin to reveal the scar. it was ugly.

his eyes were just as transfixed as the doctor unraveled the other wrist. jungkook wanted the bandages back. the scars were the most ugly, unpretty thing he had ever seen. or maybe it wasn't the scars that were ugly. maybe it was the memories he associated with them.

he remembered returning to his hotel room from the cemetery, an empty feeling in his chest. he climbed into the bathtub, surprisingly calm. despite the slight tremor in his fingers, he had managed to turn the faucet on and slice two crooked lines into his skin. he hadn't even bothered to write a note. soon-hee hadn't shown, and that broke whatever was keeping himself from succumbing to the urges that plagued him. jungkook hadn't thought about soon-hes since that day, he realized. even talking to his friends the week before, he had only said her name, forcing himself not to associate the painful memories that went with it.

"they'll fade with time. don't worry, kiddo." dr. song explained after noticing the boy in the hospital gown looking at the scars. taking off his rubber gloves with a flourish.

"i'm not five. don't call me kiddo." jungkook blurted. he didn't know where that had come from, he had been successful in biting his tongue to keep back whatever sarcastic remark threatened to escape his mouth in the doctor's presence for weeks. it was like whatever self-control he had before disappeared in the absence of the stitches in his wrists. dr. song looked hurt. jungkook didn't feel any remorse in the slightest.

"alrighty then. well, you're free to go home. just make sure to remember to come to your therapy sessions! dr. kim will have you back and at 'em in no time." song recovered smoothly, patting jungkook on the back before politely escorting him out of the exam room.

jungkook felt odd as he walked through the hallways of the hospital on the way back to his room. there he was, looking positively miserable in the blue star wars t-shirt and pajama pants that had little pictures of pikachu on them, bunny slippers on his feet. his friends had picked out the clothes for him in attempts to make him feel better. he had lied and said they did. they seemed to believe him. he felt lost despite knowing exactly where he was going.

he stepped into the elevator, and a male nurse pushing an elderly woman in a wheelchair got in with him on the second floor. jungkook crossed his arms over his chest to hide his scars and got out two floors earlier than he needed to. he decided walking the flights of stairs would be better than feeling the two sets of eyes on him. he knew they were probably sending questioning looks to his bunny slippers that squeaked when he took a step if anything, but part of him felt like their gazes immediately went to his scars, even though they were being hidden, pressed up against the blue fabric of his star wars t shirt.

when he finally made it back to his room, he let the tension in his shoulders release. no more people could look at him in here.

or so he thought.

"jungkook?"

jungkook nearly jumped out of his skin. he hadn't been scared that well since soon-hee. he turned around, expecting to see one of the band members, but who was really there scared him more than the initial shock of being startled. sitting in the two uncomfortable chairs next to the bed were the two people he never wanted to see again as long as he lived.

"oh." jungkook choked out, looking between nara's parents with wide eyes. his mind was speeding a million miles a minute, his brain going haywire. in his moment of panic, he had forgotten to conceal his scars. he felt nara's mother's eyes on them, and he quickly tucked his hands behind his back.

"we're sorry. we didn't mean to scare you." nara's father spoke again. he looked older. they both did. new wrinkles defacing their skin, gray hair littering their scalps. dark circles under bloodshot eyes. they had been getting just about as much sleep as he had, he assumed, which was not much at all.

"it's alright." he managed to say. silence ensued.

"we wanted to come visit. we heard you were here through one of those fan magazines nara used to get. they still come in the mail." nara's mother said, a humorless chuckle following the end of her sentence. it sent a shiver up his spine. he hadn't even thought about what the media would say about him. no wonder namjoon always made a big deal about changing the channel whenever the news came on the hospital television. "we should probably unsubscribe from those, hanbin."

"yeah." jungkook said softly. he could hardly look at either of them. they looked so much like nara. her mother had her hair and her nose. her father had her eyes, cheekbones, and chin. the thought made his stomach churn.

"are you alright, honey? you look a little pale." nara's mother asked, concerned.

"if you'll excuse me for a second—" jungkook mumbled as he rushed to the bathroom connected to his hospital room. he puked the contents of his stomach into the toilet. he wiped his mouth, trying to refocus his thoughts.

"oh, jungkook. come on, dear, let's sit you down, okay? hanbin, get him some water." jungkook was surprised to say the least as nara's mother followed him in, flushing the toilet for him before helping him to his feet. she lead him to his bed. this almost felt like a dream. he couldn't decide what was weirder, the fact that they were here to begin with, or the fact that nara's mother had just called him "dear." to his recollection, she detested everything about him. what changed?

jungkook let the woman help him to sit on his hospital bed. he took the plastic cup full of water nara's father offered. he took a few sips, looking between his dead girlfriend's parents in disbelief.

"i'm sorry, this is awful to ask, but—why are you here?" he asked, not being able to bear the awkward silence any longer. he needed to know. he was even more shocked when they offered him kind smiles.

"we couldn't believe it when we heard, jungkook. we didn't think you would ever do something like this." nara's father exclaimed.

"we—no, i honestly thought you would go on with your life after a week or so. i thought you were playing the typical rockstar games with our daughter, and that you'd forget she even existed." the woman said. jungkook gaped at her.

"mrs. wu, i would never do that." he said softly. so that was why she hated him.

"i know. now i know." she said, and his heart stung as her eyes filled with tears. his hand hesitantly reached out, putting it on her shoulder cautiously.

"i love your daughter." he said, looking between both of nara's parents. "so much. i never got to apologize for that night to you both. we were screaming at each other, and she walked out, and i just— i never meant for this to happen. i love her. i love her." jungkook said, his voice beginning to shake.

"you don't have to apologize, jungkook." mr. wu said. jungkook let out a relieved breath, thankful that he didn't have to retell the story of the night nara died. he tried to push the images of nara's broken body out of his mind, but they seemed to be burned into the back of his eyelids, there whenever he shut his eyes.

"we know you love nara. but you need to stop." mrs. wu said. jungkook's eyes nearly popped out of his head.

"what?"

"you said you love our daughter. we're glad you did while she was alive, so glad. you meant so much to her." mrs. wu explained, her eyes glassy with salty tears. "but do you notice the one wrong thing about what you said?" jungkook shook his head.

"you said 'love.' present tense. not past tense." mr. wu said. jungkook felt the tears he was holding back fall down his cheeks.

"it's time for you to accept that she's gone. she's gone, jungkook, and she's never coming back." mrs. wu reached forward, wiping the tears off of the crying boy's face. "you need to move on."

"no." jungkook said softly. he didn't want to do that. he didn't want to move on. he wanted nara, not anyone else.

"yes, jungkook. look at you. you're hurting yourself." mr. wu said, resting a firm hand on jungkook's shoulder. his other hand lifted jungkook's scarred wrist. "you need to stop blaming yourself."

"i can't." jungkkok stammered. the tears were never ending. nara was never ending.

"you can. you need to. it's not an option." mrs. wu said softly, smiling at him sadly.

"you can't keep living like this. nara wouldn't want you to. she'd want you to be happy. you're not happy." mr. wu said. this only broke jungkook's already broken heart into even tinier pieces.

"i can't, i can't. if i do that, i'll forget about her." jungkook cried, his shoulders shaking with his sobs. his whole body stiffened when nara's mother stepped forward and hugged him tightly. it had been a while since someone had actually had the courage to touch him. everyone had been treating him as if he was fragile enough to break under the weight of a feather. "i can't forget about her." he whispered.

"you don't need to. you just need to leave her in your memories. only in your memories, jungkook."

mr. wu's words echoed in his ears. he shut his eyes, trying to ward off the second wave of tears. he took deep breaths. they were right. they were so right, and jungkook hated that he hadn't realized it earlier.

so there he sat, letting his dead girlfriend's mother embrace him. he slowly, clumsily moved his arms to hug her back. it felt foreign. hugs were a rarity in his life post-nara.

he kept his eyes shut.

he realized he wasn't trying to keep his tears in anymore by keeping his eyes closed. no, he was just waiting for the constant image of nara behind his eyes to go away.